This Life

I can see the sunlight through my curtain. Oh God the sun. Why can’t a cloud move over it and cover it? Why does it have to shine through when the last thing I want is to think about those-Ugh.

I can’t think anymore, she’s always clouding my thoughts, she’s always in my dreams, she’s always in my memories, she’s everywhere I turn around. I need her, need more than anything I have ever wanted. But, but- I don’t know what to do anymore. It’s been weeks since I last saw her. It’s been weeks since I last talked to her. Weeks since I touched that soft skin of hers.

I turn around and face my alarm clock, four red numbers gleam at me, as if they were trying to tell me something, probably to get my lazy ass out of bed and get ready for work. But I don't want to go to work, I just want to lay here and forget about her. I want to just stop thinking about her green eyes; about her brown chocolate hair; about her smi- In a matter of seconds my whole body and mind react as one, my hands grip my hair and my eyes shut tightly “Just stop!” I shout; but this voice that comes out of my lips isn’t mine, no; it’s the voice of someone I have never heard in my life, yet it’s familiar like the decorations on a Christmas tree.

10:12 that’s the time the clock reads, I was supposed to be at work four hours and twelve minutes ago, yet I’m still laying in bed with no strength to get out, or to even reach for my cell phone that’s laying right besides the clock on the wooden coffee table to call in sick. Sick hah. I’m a doctor I should know what’s wrong with m- I do know what’s wrong with me. I’m sick; I’m suffering from an irreplaceable broken heart. A disease with no.. Well there is a cure, and that cure is to go out there, to the world and look for someone new, for somebody to fix my heart.

The only problem there is, is that I don’t want somebody new. I just want her; Cassadee.
I keep staring at my clock deciding whether or not I should just go in late and go on with my day pretending there’s nothing bothering me, but oh there’s so much going on in my head right now, so many things I’m not sure I’ll be able to suppress.

Get up you idiot, you’re going to loose your license, people are already starting to notice how unstable you are. I groan hearing my self conscious. It was right. All my life I had worked to be where I am, I always wanted to be a doctor and I had accomplished it, but now it was like I didn’t care anymore and I was going to throw it all away.

No I’m not going to throw away my life’s accomplishments away for just one girl, one insignificant love.

I throw the covers off of me and my feet touch the cold tiled floor, I take in a deep breath and get up feeling my muscles tense up; I sigh and drag my feet towards the bathroom across the hall of my room. I walk directly to the sink and turn the right handle towards me, I cup my hands and put them underneath the cold running water, I close my eyes and splash some water onto my face. The temperature wakes up my muscles and alerts my body to wake up. I reach for the handle and push it, turning it off. I take deep breaths and open my eyes starting at the mirror in front of me.

I can see my blue eyes staring back at me, though they don’t seem blue to me, they’re graying out, I’ve seen them change day after day, ever since she’s been gone. I rub my face trying to rid of her image; she’s just plastered there and won’t go away with anything I try.

I can remember her as the first time I ever laid eyes on her; the first time I heard her speak; the first time she smiled; the first time our lips brushed with one another… I remember the first day I met her.

“Patrick!” I had heard somebody calling my name.

I turned around and saw Hayley’s vibrant red hair coming towards me. Her hair was all messed up, I remember that and she was running out of breath.

“What’s wrong Miss. Williams?” I asked her once she was near to me.

“I know you’re all set to go home, but Doctor, Ross is very busy and there’s this lady claiming she can’t take the pain any longer. Doctor. Ross asked me to look for you and ask you if you could help him out a bit.” Hayley explained and took a deep breath.

I sighed and ran my fingers through my ginger hair. I was exhausted and tired, all I wanted to do at that moment was sleep, sleep til’ dawn.

“Did she sign all the paper work?”

“Yes, she’s waiting with the rest of the patients.”

I thought about it. One more patient wouldn’t hurt, at that moment I thought that one single person wouldn’t change anything in my life, why would it? But of course, she changed everything.

“Fine, put her in room four, I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

Hayley nodded and took off. I walked back towards my office and dropped my bag, and picked my white coat from the nearby chair. I put it one and walked off towards room four. She was waiting for me.

I opened the door, clipboard in hand and saw her sitting on the examining bed.

“Miss. Pope?” I asked as our eyes met.

“Yes, Cassadee Pope.” She smiled sadly.

“I’m Doctor. Stump. What is it that’s wrong?” I questioned looking away from her.

“My head hearts really bad, I feel like somebody is trying to crack it open wit a brick or something. And I feel hot and cold at the same time, I can’t explain it. I’m getting chills and my nose bleeds constantly. My body is in pain all the time, and I just want it to go away.” She explained to me as I’m trying to write everything down.

I looked from my clipboard to her, she looked fine to me. A bit tired, but normal looking.

“How long have you been like this?”

“It comes and goes, but mostly on days like this.” She whispered as she began to rub her hands together.

“Maybe it’s the weather affecting you?”

“That’s what Dr. Ross told me last week, but I don’t want to feel like this any longer.”

I looked at her and smiled, I didn’t know what I could possibly tell her, if it was hot outside I would have guessed it was from heat exhaustion, but it was cold today, mostly cloudy and winds.

“I’m going to prescribed you some medicine for the pain” I told her.

“I already have some, Doctor.. I need to know what’s wrong.” She pleaded desperately.

I gulped and looked down at the pen in my hand.

“The medicine will help.” I told her once more and walked out feeling completely useless.

I take a long deep breath and close my eyes once more, unable to look at myself in the mirror. Maybe it’s my fault that she’s gone now. Maybe if I had tried to do something from that very first day things would be different or maybe, things were just meant to happen the way they did.

I open my eyes and sigh walking to my bedroom I walk to my night stand and pick up my glasses and put them on, I stare at my bed; I just want to lay there for hours and hours and then days and days… I shake my head and walk to my closet instead and begin to look for something to wear; something casual to say ‘I’m fine, don’t worry’ but everything in my closet just shouts ‘look at me, I’m important and you’re not’ I groan and take a simple dark brown blouse and khaki pants.

I noticed as the days went by that Cassadee was a regular, some days I would get to see her, some other days she would get my fellow friend Doctor. Ross, but little by little I started to notice the pattern in her visits. She only came in on cold and cool days. Every day that the sun was out producing a bit of heat she wouldn’t show up; she always claimed she felt good on warm days. Dr, Ross and I didn’t bother to take that as something important, but as time went by I noticed how much of an impact it was in reality.

Come on, Come on. I groan mentally as the red light beams ahead of me taking an eternity changing green. It’s not the fact that I’m already late, but the fact that the longer I sit here in this car, the bigger chances I have for my mind to wonder. Wondering at a moment like this can not be good.

“Doctor. Stump.” I heard Cassadee’s soft voice as I walked in for her regular check up.
I looked at her and gave her a small smile.

“You can call me Patrick, I have this feeling we might just be seeing each other a lot in the future.”

She gave me a small sad laugh and nodded. “Yeah, I think you’re right.”

“The usual?” I questioned.

She nodded frowning a bit. “The usual.” She finally spoke.

“For your sake I hope tomorrow is a rainy day.” I smiled, though I hadn’t meant it.

Just stop, Just stop. I breathe heavily as I put my car on park.

My hands grip the steering wheel with unnecessary strength, my knuckles turning white with each passing second. I don’t even know what I’m doing here, I’m not going to be able to do anything, I’m not going to be able to concentrate on the things that I need to do.

Breathe, Breathe. I repeat to myself over and over again trying to ease my breathing, but it’s so hard. It’s so had to do anything, or to even think about something else besides Cassadee. I want her to be back and tell me she’s feeling bad, to at least see those gorgeous green eyes looking back at me, to see her smile, to hear her voice. But how can she when she’s no longer here, when the sun is always shining in the sky, when it’s always so warm and the heat radiates more and more as each day passes by. I can’t take it any longer; I want to run away to some place where it’s always cold, where the sun is always hiding, where I can see her beautiful face, where I can talk to her for endless of hours without worrying about the warmth of the sun. For it to just be the two of us. For me trying to make her feel better, but I’m stuck in a place with no escape, in a place where I’m chained to. In a place were people need me.

I stared at her for a couple of seconds hoping she wouldn’t catch me, but I wanted to ask her so bad, to try and make a move, even if I would regret it later on. But I didn’t care about the future then, I was just thinking about the present and nothing else.

“Patrick?”

I blinked as my breath hitched at the sound of her voice.

“W-What?” I stuttered a bit unable to compose myself immediately.

“Is there something you want to ask me?” She asked with a small smile forming at the ends of her lips.

I gulped terrified of the idea now. But I was committed; I wasn’t going to let the opportunity pass.

“Actually… There’s something I want to ask you.” I told her gaining my confidence back.

“Oh. What is it?”

“Would you like to go out for a cup of coffee…?” I trailed off and hesitantly looked away.

There was a bit of a silence afterwards, and my heart raced not wanting to hear the answer anymore.

I look out my window and gulp, there’s so many cars parked, so many sick people who need assistance and I’m here in my car talking to myself and remembering that I shouldn’t. Things that happened so long ago and still haunt me. Those memories shouldn’t be the ones hunting me. Those memories are just the past, I should be worrying about the present, and the future of what lies ahead for me.

I take in a deep breath and shut my eyes. I can feel the rays of the sun heating up the car, and the coolness the AC left is starting to reduce. My breath quickens and I tighten my eyelids more as if I were to look at the beaming sun I would go blind.

Stop thinking about her. Stop thinking about her. I mumbled mentally as my teeth bite down on each other.

“I hear tomorrow is going to be quite a nice day.” Cassadee spoke as she picked up her hot coco to take a sip.

“Oh, that’s good news then.” I smiled still unable to believe she had actually accepted the invitation.

“You’re not going to have your number one patient there tomorrow.” She smiled and placed her cup down, and looked out the window coughing a bit.

“I’ll miss you then.” I told her trying to match her same tone as before.

She looked back at me smiling.

“Thanks for asking me to do this. I’m usually at home watching on demand movies.” She chuckled a bit.

“I’m usually sleeping or at work.” I said trying to make her feel better.

“But you do something for man kind. I on the other hand just waste a perfectly well life.” She sighed and frowned.

“I don’t think your wasting it.” I smiled encouragingly at her.

“You’re just saying that to make me feel better. I know the truth, and that’s okay with me. Not that it matters, I’m always sick and nobody knows what’s wrong with me.”

I keep looking at her with a smile on my face. There was so much to her that I didn’t know, so many emotions and thoughts killing her inside just wanting to be let out, and there I was helping her. I was the person she could turn to when she needed to release some of those thoughts and anger or whatever they were.

I open my eyes and rapidly take out the keys out of the ignition. I open the car door and step outside to the hot summer day. My right hand turns into a fists clutching tightly to the car keys. I can feel the key edges digging and ripping into my skin. It doesn’t matter, the only thing that matter is the heat. It’s so strong and it brings back so much pain I wish would be gone, I wish it would just disappear into thin air.

My feet move quickly through the parking lot. I can’t comprehend what I’m doing, everything is just a blur. The heat is just a blur; it’s driving me to the edge of my emotions and thoughts.

“Patrick.” She whispered in the mist of darkness.

I felt her body turn around; I could feel her hand trying to search for my face, for some type of recognition.

“I’m right here.” I whispered taking her hand in mine.

I felt her get closer to me, her cold body against my warm one, and her delicate face against the crook of my neck.

“It’s not supposed to be this way.” She whispered trying to sound calm, but she didn’t succeed, I could hear the worry, sadness, uneasiness, excitement and the fearfulness in her voice.

“Things don’t always go according to plan.” I told her running my fingers through her soft hair.

“You’re my doctor Patrick, and I’m your patient, I shouldn’t be here.”

“But you are, and there’s nothing wrong with that, we can’t help who we fall for Cassadee, it just happens.”

She stayed quiet for a couple of minutes, her breathing quickening then easing, and her heart racing like a horse.

“Patrick.” She whispered again.

“It’s okay.” I told her kissing her forehead. “It’s okay.” I repeated.

I open my fists letting my keys drop, I can feel the blood in my palms run down onto the dirty street as my feet keep running in search for something, or possibly nothing at all, just running to find an answer to all this madness, to all this thoughts and anguish inside of me. I can hear somebody calling my name but I don’t care any more. I don’t care about anything or anyone besides Cassadee, she’s the only one that actually mattered, the only that ever made a difference in the end. The only one that left an impact in my heart.

“Patrick!” The same person yells again.

I shake my head and push my legs harder, I can hear the cars nearing closer and closer, the street is coming closer to my eyes and my legs keep moving in that direction with no way of breaking or stopping. The just keep running not caring about the destiny ahead.

“PATRICK!” The voice becomes louder.

I know it’s Ross, Ryan Ross coming after me. My partner in health, as I used call him before he betrayed me. Before he made everything change, before he ruined everything that I had. Before he changed everything in my life.

“W-What are you talking about?” I stutter unable to help the misery in my voice.

“Patrick, it’s for the best. You have to underst-”

“Understand what? That you’re leaving me?” I raised my voice, trying to shout at her.

Cassadee frowned and shook her head trying to make the words come out to explain.

“That’s what you’re doing Cass, you’re leaving me.” I told her, my eyes searching for an answer in her face.

“I need to go away to some place warm, it’s my for my health Patrick, it’s to make me feel better, can’t you understand that?” She asked, all I could hear was the torture in her voice.

I stared at her. I couldn’t just loose her like that, I couldn’t loose her when I had just found her, when we were finally finding ecstasy in our lives.

“Where?” I asked her.

“Far.” She replied looking down at her hands. “Far away Patrick. I’m sorry.”

I shook my head. “No, It’s not your fault.” I mumble, how could it be her fault? It wasn’t her fault the weather hated her; detested both of us.

“Ryan said it was the best thing to do.”

“Ryan? Doctor. Ross?” I questioned unable to comprehend what she had just said.

She looked up at me with teary eyes. She nodded once and turned around.

“I have to go.” She whispered and began to walk away.

Just let me be. Just let me be. I close my eyes and push my legs to their limit, I can feel them starting to tense up, they want to give up and just rest, but I can’t let them do that, not now. Not with the sun beaming down at me. Everything is becoming louder. The horns, the heat from the cars, the screeching wheels, the cars breaking, the speeding traffic, the music blazing from car stereos, the laughing, whining, shouting people in the cars. Everything is becoming so much more realistic than the past weeks and it’s all sinking in with each running step I’m taking. My fate is catching up to me, and I’m letting it get to me.

I hear a horn; I open my eyes meeting those gorgeous green eyes for the last time.