This Life

What am I doing? Why am I even here? I’m not happy, I don’t feel like the person I used to be. I want to be like I used to be. I don’t care if I was always sick, and I cried endless hours at night for the pain to go away. I don’t care about that, because at least I was happy. I had someone there for me, someone who cared and loved me without caring about my sickness.

Now I’m in this… hideous place where the sun is always hitting my face, I’m always burning and I can’t stand it. It’s too much heat to be around. Too many tourists to be around with.

I miss him so much. More than anything I have ever missed. Patrick. Oh God, I miss him so much and I just left him broken hearted thinking it was for the best. But it wasn’t. It really wasn’t. It was the worst thing I had ever done in my life.

I should have just stayed and put up with the coldness. At least then I had Patrick to warm me up at night. I had him to watch endless movies on his non-working days. I had somebody to be around with and to protect me, to make me feel better. I had somebody who I loved, and loved me back.

Just go back. I can hear myself arguing in my head. I want to go back more than anything. But I’m afraid of going back. What if he already moved on? What if he hates me and never wants to see my face ever again for hurting him? There’s so many possibilities and no answers.

Just take a chance. I’ve only been here a couple of weeks, maybe I can go back, maybe it’ll change my life in a good way, and I can be with Patrick and be happy with him.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes. I can picture him perfectly, his smile, his glasses, his gleaming blue eyes, his adorable ginger hair, his soft warm skin… Everything. I can picture everything, he’s just like a photograph ingrained in my mind forever.

I shake my head and open my eyes, I can’t take this any longer, I need him to hold me and whisper things in my ear and to tell me everything is going to be okay, even if they’re not. I just want to hear him say those words, to know I’m the only one he loves and for him to know he’s the only one I love.

I stand up from the bench I had been sitting on and take my bag walking rapidly towards my car, I get in it and turn it on, I stare at my reflection in the mirror, and for once in my life I’m one hundred percent sure of what I want to do. I fasten my seat belt and turn on the car remembering the day the day my whole world came crashing down.

“You’re condition is very… rare and unique. I’ve known a couple of cases were the patient is allergic to the sun, but in your situation it’s the opposite.” Dr. Ross told me as he paces around his office.

“What are you trying to tell me?”

“I think it would be best, if you went to live somewhere where the sun is always around.”

“But- Can’t I just take medication and put up with it? My whole life is here doctor.” I said in a desperate town.

“You chose to live your life in the wrong city Miss. Pope.”

“I can’t leave.” I shook my head thinking about Patrick, how would he react when he found out?

“I know about your… relationship with Mister. Stump it’s never a good thing to get involve.”

I stayed quiet, he was right it wasn’t right. Patrick and I weren’t supposed to be together, he deserved to be with somebody who would be there when he was in need not someone who was always in need.

“Thank you doctor, I guess I’ll start packing.” I smiled sadly and shook his hand, and walked out of his office.

I stare at the clouds from the airplane window, my heart beating hard against my chest, thinking of what I would say to Patrick. Thinking whether or not he would forgive me for what I did to him, and whether or not he would take me back.

The plane landed a few minutes behind schedule, and from what the captain had said, it was a perfect sunny day in Chicago. I grab my one carry on bag and pass rapidly through the crowd of people.

I remember the day I told Patrick I was leaving, how broken he had looked and it had been all my fault, how I walked away without telling him I loved him and how much he meant to me, I remember wanting to go back and telling him to come with me, but his whole life and career was there, and I couldn’t ruin his life because of my condition.

“Miss?” Somebody speaks.

I blink a couple of times and notice it’s my turn, I walk to the front desk and give the man my information and he gives me the key to the rental car.

I get in and drive towards the hospital hoping Patrick would be there. I drum my fingers impatiently on the steering wheel as I feel my insides twist from the nerves. I take a deep breath trying to relax myself. I see the next light turning yellow, I speed up focusing in only trying to catch the light, until I see someone running onto the street, I scream hitting the horn, and slam on the break, but it was too late.

My green eyes connect to his blue eyes.

“Patrick!” I scream as my head hits the steering wheel making everything go black.

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What once was me, is no longer but another death.