So What If I Never Hold You?

Bella's P.O.V.
After Mom and I bought the dress, we went home and hung out until Brian and Justin came home from practice. That resulted in Brian and I studying for a test in statistics, and working on the history homework that I missed. When that was done, he ate dinner with us, and he went home, leaving me to do my single person studying. The next two days of the week went fine, I even went to the game, and the weekend went fine, until Sunday morning.

At 7 A.M. Sharp on Sunday morning, I was awakened by the sickest feeling I felt in my life. My stomach churned so horribly, and I nearly had to bolt out of my room and into the bathroom to throw up the remnants of Saturday night's nachos and Dr. Pepper, and the small amount of Jack Daniels that I had gotten at a party. Since it had been a really small amount of alcohol(at least and amount that I was used to), I ruled out hangover. I immediately thought the worst thing. So, once the stomach was emptied and I couldn't do anything else, I flushed the toilet and started getting ready. Once I was finished, I walked into the bedroom and got dressed in a pair of jeans, a Nirvana t-shirt, and a pair of Converse, and went downstairs. I grabbed my purse and the keys to my car and went outside. I walked into the car and nearly sped my way to the drug store.

Fast Forward a few hours
I was back home in my bathroom, with the door shut. I was sitting on the edge of the tub praying that the test would turn negative. And it just so happened I had waited the time told on the box. I got up and stepped towards the counter where it sat. I picked it up to see what the pregnancy test said.... The blue plus sign nearly made me pass out, but once that fit was over, I felt the tears catch in my throat. I began breathing heavily trying to make them pass. I shoved the test into my pocket and left the bathroom. I once again made my way downstairs but this time I got stopped. "Where are you going hun?" My mom asked me as she stood in the kitchen door frame.

"Um, I'm going to Brian's, last minute studying party," I said. She nodded telling me she'd see me later and to behave. I told her I would and everything and made my way out the door. I walked down my lawn and looked both ways before going across the street. Once on the other side, I walked up Brian's walkway and stood at the door. I brought up my my hand in a fist and was about to knock on the door, but something kept me from moving my hand towards the door. I couldn't bring myself to knock on the door, but just as I was about to put my hand down and turn away, the door opened. There stood Mr. Haner looking straight at me.

"Bella, are you okay?" He asked me. I had known the man all my life, and he'd been nearly a father to Justin and me, but I couldn't tell him.

"I-I'm fine," I stuttered startled.

"Well, Brian's not here, do you need me to tell him anything?" He asked.

I couldn't tell him that I had a pregnancy test in my pocket that shown up pregnant, especially when it wasn't even Bri-Bri's child. "No, and you don't have to tell him I stopped by, I'll catch him tomorrow after school," I told him then we said or goodbyes and I walked back to my house. Upon walking in I only said, "Brian's not home, call me at dinner time, please," I said as I walked back upstairs and into the bathroom. I dug out the test box, and took it into my room. I found a shoe box in my closet and hid the tests in there. I couldn't tell Mom, at least, not yet.

At dinner that night, it was silent. I didn't even stay for as long as Mom and Justin. Once i had eaten what was on my plate, I just took my dish into the kitchen to wash it. Once that was done, I went back upstairs to take my shower, finish up the last of my homework, and sit in my room listening to music and read. I had stopped reading when Mom came in to say goodnight and ask if anything was wronged. I told her that I was fine, and that Val and I were still having issues(somehow, keeping up with that same lie). Eventually she left, and I laid there thinking about how I had ruined my life by one incident involving only a couple lines of coke. Through the night, my thoughts wandered to how I would deal with the issue. I couldn't have an abortion, it was against how I was brought up, though I knew that it was technically okay in most people's eyes seeing as I was raped. I just couldn't do it. Eventually, I told myself that I was going to go through pregnancy, and put it up for adoption when it was over. I couldn't be a teenage mother. I knew nothing of how to raise a child, I couldn't do it on my own, I couldn't find Henry and tell him what he did to me just so he can go and be a deadbeat, and lastly, I couldn't let Brian take on the role of the father. I knew Brian would be great, but tying him down to that life when he had so many dreams felt like the worst thing I could do.

The time I looked at the clock was midnight, only to be awakened by the damn alarm at 7: 00 A.M. the next morning.