It's Your Finger and How I'm Wrapped Around It

Taylor's P.O.V.

“I’m scared,” I mumbled quietly, sighing heavily as I leaned into Guin’s short body. She was half my size, but she was a friend and she was there for me when I needed her. Honest to God, I was flanked by short girls. Guin was on my left and Raychel was on my right, so I kinda felt like a circus instructor, training the little people to walk around and learn how to deal with being next to a tall person.
It was quite hilarious.
But right now, things weren’t hilarious. They were serious.
Seriously fucked up.
“It’s going to be okay,” Raychel nodded persistently, shaking her pointer finger in my face, a careless, aggravated look creasing her jaw and scrunching up her eyebrows.
“Leave me be, dickwad,” grumbling, I rose to my feet and started pacing the living room again, my mind lost in banter of thoughts.
They had been annoying the crap out of me with their caring antics. I knew they were just trying to help, but I didn’t want their help; I didn’t need it. I just wanted George to walk through the door already and tell me that the baby wasn’t his, that he needed me, and that everything was going to be alright; okay.
But deep inside, I knew that wasn’t the case. Maybe one of those things would be right, but I knew they wouldn’t all pan out like that. Something was going to go wrong; it always did.
And I was deathly afraid of that.
I wanted him to hold me, to be with me. But if he came home with knowing, truly and proven test knowing, that he had a kid under his sperm, it wasn’t going to be pretty.
It just wasn’t.
“Taylor, you’re going to fucking run a hole in the damn carpet,” Guin snapped, grabbing my arm and yanking my body back into a seat, her eyes narrowed slightly. “Sit down and chill, you’re only going to fucking hurt yourself or make yourself pass out from all this thinking.”
“Yeah, you know, ‘cause you can’t handle all of that,” Charlie continued, winking over at me playfully as he tried to lighten the mood with one of his corny, absolutely stupid jokes. “It’s too much thinking for that tiny little brain of yours, darling.”
“Go sit on a butt plug and rotate, Jordan.” Glaring at him, I slumped into the chair, wishing, hoping, that George would just walk through the door already.
Yet it never happened. We spent hours in that living room, waiting for an answer; waiting for him. But he never came.
It was pushing three A.M. when I finally gave up and slid into bed, pulling his pillow close as I sighed in broken defeat.
Damn you, George.

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When I woke up, he still wasn’t here, and that only put a damper on the rest of the morning. I trudged around the apartment, a depressed aura lifting through me as a low frown laced itself across my plump lips.
Guin, Nita, Raychel, Kasey, and Mari had all arrived earlier, having huddled in the living room for most of the morning, hushed conversation sounding out every time I walked away. They weren’t being shady, but they knew I didn’t want to hear it.
I didn’t want to hear anything but the sound of the door opening.
I loved my friends, and they were just trying to be here for me; they were here for me, but I didn’t want that. I was too consumed in my own thoughts to have to deal with people. Even if the dealing was easy enough as normal.
I just wanted Johnny, dammit. I wanted him next to me; beside me. I wanted him here, so he could tell me everything was alright.
And after almost a full twenty-four hours of constant worry, he still hadn’t walked through that damn door.
“Babe?” Guin asked quietly, fiddling with her hands nervously as a small, inviting smile stretched across her full face. “We’re going to order Chinese, you want some?”
“Yeah,” I mumbled, cuddling into the chair arm as I rested my head against the back of the headrest, a soft sigh escaping from between my lips. “Just the normal,”
“Alright,” nodding her head in an end of conversation plural, she turned around and walked out of the room, only to backtrack as she came at me with purpose and dignity in her step. “You know what?” She asked, stopping in front of my cocooned body as she stared down at me.
“What?” Raising my eyebrow, I gazed up at the short girl in question. Honestly, what was she about to do? Curse me out for sitting on my ass and moping all day? If she was going to do that, she could turn her ass around and spank it, because I wasn’t going to take that shit.
“I love you,” she said quietly, leaning down and pressing a soft kiss to the side of my forehead. “You were you with him, and you were you without him. Don’t let this eat you up inside.” With that, she walked off, making her way into the kitchen as she mumbled out my usual order to Raychel, who was writing down the enormous list of food everyone wanted.
They all left, piling through the door as Jordan slurred loud, obnoxious words at Raychel for forgetting about him. But in reality, she had put Charlie instead of Jordan, and he was so trashed he couldn’t even remember where ‘Charlie’ came from or how it was connected to his past.
They were all going? Hell, they’d need at least two cars. Probably three if they didn’t want to be crowded. But they were most likely doing it for me, to give me time alone, and I wasn’t complaining.
The peace and quiet was much appreciated.
Shaking my head, I let out a loud yawn, sliding my feet up under my thighs as I stared at the blank TV screen. I felt so out of it without George. What Guin said was true, I was myself, and I would be myself with or without him. But I missed him. He made me feel amazing; he made me want to be a better person.
He completed me.
And I didn’t want to end it. I wanted him with me, not with Dez and a baby.
I was scared; horribly scared.
I always had shitty luck when things were going good, and this just proved my point.
George was always my friend, but I had always wished he was more. And then he started dating Dez. They spent time together, they made love; they became inseparable. And I was left in the dust, at least, compared to what it had been before without her. Then, oh so nicely, we all found out she was knocked up, and that only caused more problems. George resorted back to me, of course, like he always did when fights occurred or problematic situations arose. And from then on, things slowly seemed to be getting better. He actually asked me, well, sort of, to be his girlfriend! For once in my life, it was all mine!
Mine!
We always had hurtles to jump over and deep pools we’d have dive into, but we made it through eventually. We were such good friends that it was easy enough to forgive each other after a while.
But if this kid really was his, it would fuck everything up. Jesus, it already was.
He had left without telling anyone. For Christ’s sake, he was still there! I remember when he was so against her for everything she did because of this, and now he was sitting at her bedside, not truly knowing if that kid was his or not.
I was so afraid of losing him; of Dez planting lies in his head while she screamed and cried, pushing that damn thing out. I doubted that it was actually his kid, but that wouldn’t make a difference if she slipped her little veil of magic over his head and pulled tight enough. It was like a damn noose; that girl was like a fucking noose. She’d suck the life out of you like a leech and strangle you to death with a ten thousand pound chain.
I needed him.
Okay, so I didn’t really ‘need’ him, but I wanted him.
I wanted him so badly it hurt; it made my heart ache, a small piece of the bloody flesh sliding to the floor every hour that past and he wasn’t back yet.
What if he never came back?
My head snapped up as I heard the door slide open, soft shuffling noises sounding out as someone came in quietly.
Someone being the key word here. Not a shit load of people, just one. My one.
George.
Rising to my feet quickly, I took off towards the door, trying to calm my breathing as I slowed my pace, not wanting to look like I was bombarding him. I didn’t want to turn into a needy, whiny girlfriend. But I really did need him.
“George?” I asked quietly, my voice ringing throughout the silent apartment loudly.
“Taylor,” he replied, the sound of him shucking his shoes off sounding out as he came around the corner of the kitchen.
He appeared in front of me, tired and worn out. He was bent over, more than usual. He normally always had bad posture, but he looked like the Hunch-Back of Notre Dame right now. His bright, charismatic blue eyes were bloodshot and well used, filled to the brink with worry and exhaustion. Deep, swollen bags seeped out from under his eyes, the look creating an almost ghostly appeal to his facial features.
All over, he looked horrible. He was worried, upset, tired; drowning in his own self pitied uselessness.
“George,” I gasped out, my fingers running across the gruff, stubbled skin, my hand cupping his cheek in a loving embrace. “Baby, you look like shit.”
“I can’t say you look much better, darling.” A small, insolent smile cracked across his lips, his rough, calloused fingers sliding down my arm as he moved it away from his face. Frowning, I watched as he leaned down, his soft lips pressing into the flesh of my palm, his deep eyes staring into mine, pleading with me to not be angry. “I missed you.”
“Why didn’t you call? Or text? Anything would have been nice.” Biting my bottom lip, I looked up at him in question. Was it honestly that hard to call? I had been sitting here, for hours, depressed and worried; going through an emotional break and he couldn’t even call.
“I know,” he answered simply, wrapping his long, tattooed arm around my waist, pulling my body closer, his movements dragging my hips against his. “And I’m sorry. But I had to get this done, Taylor. I had to know, and I wasn’t thinking about talking to you. I just wanted to get this shit over with.”
“You still could have—“ I tried to say, only to be cut off as rapid words flew from his open lips.
“I know, I could have done a lot, but I fucking didn’t. Let’s leave it at that. I’m here now; I’m home. I didn’t have time, alright? I was really fucking busy and I wasn’t in the right emotional state to talk to you; so I didn’t. Deal with it.” Sighing heavily, he leaned back against the dividing kitchen wall, stuffing his hands into his dark jeans pockets as he stared down at the floor. “Listen, I didn’t want to come home and fight. I just wanted to see you.”
“I’m right here,” running my fingers through my locks of long, auburn hair, I looked at him. One look at him and that’s all it took. I could fall in love with him all over again, no matter what he was saying or doing. He was amazing in every way, and the truth was going to hurt. I just knew it. “Is the baby yours?”
“I won’t know for three days or so.” That was the big truth? Well, fuck you, truth! Blow my giant sized, blue dick!
“You have to wait?” I practically whined, gnawing at the right corner of my bottom lip in annoyance, my bare foot kicking against the floor roughly. I’m sure it looked a hella a lot like a little kid throwing a tantrum, but I was pissed and I think I had a right to act like a child sometimes. Especially with something like this. “Fucker.”
“Yeah, how do you think I feel?” Shaking his head, he threw his sailors jacket onto the back of one of the green and oak kitchen chairs, his feet scuffing against the floor as he made his way to the couch, dropping down onto it with a loud, abused sigh. “I sat there with her for hours, watched the kid being born, just to realize that I couldn’t actually find out if it was mine or not for at least three days. I’m so fucking sick of this shit, Taylor. That kid looks nothing like me, yet I’m the one that's there; I’m the one she put down as the father. And I can’t do shit about it until the results are back. So all these goons from DSS and all the staff at the hospital think I’m a jackass because I didn’t want to stay with her, and because I wouldn’t pay the bills. Fuck, Taylor, I look like such a fucking asshole! I never wanted to be a bad father, but now I don’t even know if I’m one or not and I already feel horrible about it. I’m already fucking attached to that kid.” He shook his head again, a deep, worried frown on his thin lips. “I’m already so fucking attached. She had a girl, you know? She’s the fucking cutest little thing I’ve ever seen. She looks nothing like Dez, except for her hair. She’s got a full head of brown hair and bright green eyes.”
“You have blue eyes and she has bluish-gray ones. Green isn’t anywhere in that, George. And brown’s a really common color.” I pointed out, slipping into the chair beside the couch that he occupied.
“But baby’s eyes can change color after their born. And they don’t have to have their parent’s eyes. My dad has Green eyes, Taylor. She could have his eyes.”
“A lot of people have green eyes baby, a lot of people. It doesn’t mean it’s because of your dad. Maybe the guy she cheated on had green eyes? You said she didn’t look like you, but she didn’t look like Dez either. Maybe she has all of his looks?" A loud, heavy sigh left my lips as I laced my fingers together over my knee. “Babe, you can’t beat yourself up over this. She might not be yours. You won’t know until you get the results back.”
“That’s exactly the problem! I won’t know! So for now I have to fucking wait and think about how bad of a dad I’m being! And I don’t even know if I’m truly her dad or not!”
“George! I know that! But you can’t do this to yourself! You can’t kill yourself over something you can’t do anything about! You have to fucking relax, at least to some extent, until you get the results. And if that kid is yours,” crawling over the arm of the chair, I hobbled onto the couch, spreading my body over his as I cupped his cheeks lovingly, a clear and assertive tone to my voice. “We will make this work. No matter what, George, I love you. And we will make this work. I’m going to stand by your side whether you like it or not. And that baby, I’ll be her step mom if I have to. George, I’ll do it all. I’ll be there and I’ll take care of her, I’ll watch her, I’ll do everything to keep her in your life. But you have to stay in mine. I’ve never had you before, George. You’ve always been my best friend; never my lover. And then all of this happened and you looked to me; like you always do, because I’m always there for you, George. You finally gave in and admitted you wanted me, you asked me to be your girlfriend! I never wanted something so badly in my life, and finally it was mine. It was there right in front of me. And I’ll be dammed if I let you get away because you knocked her stupid ass up!”
“Technically, it was her belly.” He said simply, his eyes filled with confusion and denial. He didn’t want to admit that I was right; he didn’t even want to listen to me. He just wanted this to go away and for it to all work. Well, I was trying to get this to work, and he just didn’t want to deal with it.
“Shut up and listen to me, George Ragan! I’m not going to sit back and let you deny me; you’re going to tell me what you want to do. Do you want to stay with me, whether or not that kid is really yours? Or do you want to leave me and go be with Dez, whether or not that kid is yours?” Biting my bottom lip, I stated down at him, tapping his cheek as he tried to look away. “I’m fucking talking to you, George! Listen! I want to be with you, more than anything else. But I’m not going to sit here and be strung alone. You tell me what you want. I’ve told you how it’s going to be; I’ve told you what I’d do for you. Now you have to make up your mind. But you better remember what I’ve done for you. How long our relationship, not sexual, but our friendship, has lasted. And overall, if you never listen to a word I say, at least listen to the fact that I love you. George, I love you. And that’s never going to change. You’re my first love, you always will be. And I can’t give you up. But now you need to decide if you want to give me up or not.”
I said my peace. That was that. All he had to do was take it and use it now.
Crawling across the couch and off his body, I slid onto the floor and walked into the kitchen. My fingers laced into my dark hair as tugged on the strands roughly, aggravated and hurt beyond belief. You have no idea how hard it is to lay the law down and then walk away, not knowing what that person would choose. I just wanted him to know that I loved him, and that I would be there for him, no matter what. No matter if that kid was his and if he had to be around Dez all the fucking time. I do so much in my life, and now I finally had one thing that I truly wanted, I didn’t, wouldn’t, give it up so easily.
But I had to let him make up his own mind. No matter how hard or how badly it could, or would hurt.
“Babe?” George muttered, his heavy footfalls stopping behind my body, his ragged breaths echoing out across the dull, quiet room. “…I listened to you…now you gotta listen to me.”
“I’m all ears,” I answered, debating on actually listening. I knew it was really his turn, he had listened to me, and it was my turn to listen to him. But I didn’t want to. For the life of me, I was scared shitless. I just wanted him to tell me what I wanted to hear, and if he didn’t, it would be devastating. I wasn’t ready for that kind of blow to the heart.
“First of all, thank you.” He leaned forward, pressing his lips into the side of my neck as he wrapped his arm around my waist. “For everything. You’ve done so much for me, you don’t even understand. You’ve always been there for me, through thick and thin. Even through all of this. You were always the person I could count on; the shoulder I could cry on. I thank you or that. Secondly, I love you too. I love you, I really do. And you’ll never understand that either. But I do. You’ve always been there for me, you’ve always made me laugh. You’ve become a part of me; the better part of me. And I fucking love you for it. I can sing and cry and whine about all this shit, and how girls are bitches and ho’s, and how my heart is broken, and before, that was true. But now, it’s not. It hasn’t been for a while. Through all of this fucked up shit, I’ve still been okay, and it’s all because of you. So,” sighing against my neck, his fingers caressed the skin just under my shirt, right above the waistband of my short shorts. “If you’ll take me, even if she is my kid, I want you. For as long as it’ll work baby.”
“Forever then,” turning around in his arms, I leaned up slightly, pressing my pouty lips into his own thin ones passionately.
I don’t care what he says. We’d make this work forever.
I had been thrown the short stick all my life, and it was finally my turn to have the golden wand. I wasn’t letting go of it anytime soon.
Even if it had a seven pound, six once, brown haired and green eyed baby attached to it.