Sinister Smile With a Hole in My Heart

The boys came back just in time to get into the holiday spirit. Thanksgiving had come and passed and everyone had crowded around the boys to listen to their stories of shows, and they were pretty hopeful to be signed to hopeless records. Just waiting on a call. However soon they were into mid December, almost three weeks later with no call. Things stayed the same for the most part. Jill continued to see Alex/Will just as Zack and Michelle continued to date and Kate and Jack. Although how long that would last Kate wasn't sure. She had still put off telling Jack, and Rian's threats continued.
The way Kate felt was as if the walls could cave in any minute, and she was constantly on her toes; however she knew that Rian was right and she would have to tell Jack. Her plan was just to prolong it as far back as she could.
On the contrary, Alex was feeling lighter then ever. He no longer would spend his nights and evenings out drinking. In fact, Alex hadn't had a drop of alcohol in-he couldn't honestly remember how long. He now filled his days positively. He spent as much time he could with Drew, which also meant time with Jill which he wasn't completely opposed to, putting it lightly. When he wasn't with them he spent time with his positive friends, Jack and Zack, and Rian sometimes, but ever since right before they left for tour, Rian had began to act very strange towards Alex. Each time he went to talk to Rian, he wouldn't meet his eyes, or talked in discreet language Alex hadn't decoded. And in his spare time, Alex was being productive and writing, composing, doing everything he could to work towards his future in the music industry.
One particular day Alex didn't have plans, just jotting down some lyrics, he was surprised to hear his phone ring. Smiling and answering on the second ring he greeted Jill personally when he answered the phone.
"Hey Jilly," he said softly in the peaceful mood he was in, and Jill loved hearing his old nickname for her. Seeing Alex taking such good care of her-their-son, and spending so much time with him almost made things feel like before, with the gap of the absence of her father and Joey. Jill's stomach dropped when she thought about her best friend. Ironically it was because she felt like she hadn't put enough thought into him recently. Between being a mom, working her new job as a waitress, balancing her dating and social life, and having time to sleep, eat, shower, and go to the bathroom, Jill didn't have much time for anything. She hadn't even talked to Jack yet about their mother's problem. A part of her was putting it off to see if it would improve, but it didn't things just got worse after the boy's return leaving Jill with no choice. In fact, that was the exact reason she was calling Alex.
"Hey," Jill said lightly, "How would you feel about taking little D for the day? I have to work for a few hours and I don't want him in the particular...atmosphere," Jill's voice was cheery, and Alex's heart soared and sunk at the same time. Jill wasn't going to be with him today, but Jill putting her trust in Alex to take Drew for the day, and Alex was excited to take him.
"Ok, sounds good," The boy hastily answered, "when do you want me over?"
"As soon as possible too soon?" Jill laughed lightly and Alex's heart fluttered.
"On my way," he promised shutting his notepad and then his phone. Standing up although he was alone in the room, Alex adjusted his pants and belt and then stretched his arms in the air, placing his palms flat against the apex of his head. Lost in thought and on his way out.
+++
"What are your plans for today?" Jill asked jumping on Jack's bed that he slept in waking him up, just like she did when they were younger. Although when they were younger, Jack would get pissed in his preteen days at his sister who was still considered a child. These days Jack, although still not happy being woken up that way, found it a bit more endearing and didn't yell at his sister. Instead he sleepily rubbed his eyes.
"I don't know," he was groggy and still rubbing his eyes, "What day is it?"
"What did you do last night?" Jill answered his question with a question and giggled at her brother's state besides the fact that it was one in the afternoon.
"...uh..." Jack closed his eyes again trying to remember, "What day is it?" he repeated.
"Saturday! And it's one in the afternoon!"
"So why are you waking me up!" Jack pulled his covers over his head and hmph-ed
"Ok fine, sleep. But Alex is coming to get Drew and then we need to sit down and have a serious conversation before I go to work."
The covers were quickly removed off Jack. "Alex is getting Drew and taking him out? It's that serious? And since when do you trust anyone besides me and mom alone with Drew?"
"Yes, it's that important." Jill said as the doorbell rang saving her from the second half of her answer, she excitedly jumped off of Jack's bed and Drew began to wail.
"I'm coming baby," she cried to her son who didn't seem to care as he kept crying while Jill quickly opened the door for Alex hastily and turned to run up the stairs to the nursery without a word to Alex yet.
"Hi?" he said laughing to himself at the humor he found at being let into the house and then immediately abandoned without even a greeting. However he could hear Drew crying loudly, and began to feel a pit in his stomach. Maybe he shouldn't be so confident about taking the baby for the day.
A few minutes later, Drew's crying, along with Jill's attempts to quiet the baby got louder and louder and it took Alex a minute to realize that the two of them were coming towards him. Finally he saw each of them descending the stairs. Drew's face was beat red and his face was contorted while Jill just look defeated.
"I have tried everything," she sighed her eyes looked like they were going to start leaking tears.
"Here, let me see him," Alex offered trying to stop his body from shaking with nerves.
"Ok," Jill hesitantly handed Alex the baby, and as soon as he was placed in his father's arms the baby quieted. Alex's eyes went wide in shock. It was like Drew had a sense of who Alex was and Alex hadn't even had to do anything but cradle and rock him.
Jill smiled at the boy, "I must admit, I'm a bit jealous, I can't remember the last time I just picked him up and he stopped crying."
"It's just because he knows I'm his daddy," The boy cooed at the baby and Jill melted right on the spot. She opened her mouth to say something, but it was much too sweet for her to speak and ruin the moment.
Each of the young parents stared at Drew lovingly before their eyes slowly rose until each of them caught the other's gaze, staring in an indescribable moment. Neither was sure what to do. They didn't want to break the gaze, but each secretly felt like they should further the moment in some way or another. However, both were in reality scared of rejection from the other.
The time they spent staring into each other's eyes is unknown, but the moment was broken by a creak in the stairs alerting them that someone was about to enter their presence.
"Hey Lex," Jack said sleepily waving his hand and squinting his eyes.
"Jack. hey uh man what's up," Alex was startled and all nerves, every time someone else was around him and Drew together, besides Jill, scared of his secret being revealed. However on the token, he couldn't wait for people to know that he was Drew's father.
Jack stifled a yawn as he shrugged his shoulders walking towards Alex and Drew, "I don't know, apparently we're having a serious sit down," Jack then took Drew's tiny fist wiggling it a bit, "Bye buddy," he gently whispered to the baby unsure what to make of Alex taking him out alone.
Drew smiled and gurgled as a little drool came out of his mouth and Jack shook his head smiling. Alex and Jill were oblivious to the moment of them pointedly trying to not look at one another.
Just then Jane Barakat entered into the foyer of her house she went unnoticed yet she kept it that way for a while. Smiling, she watched as her two children, grandson and Alex all interacted together. Alex was like her second son, she'd known the boy as long as she'd known her own children it seemed, and although she'd formed close relationships with Kate and Joey as well, Alex had always been her favorite of her children's friends.
The way he was holding her grandson made her smile, he seemed to be so great with him, and the way he was looking at her daughter was making her melt. His eyes were reluctantly darting between her and various other spots however, when they did meet Jill, they were filled with so many emotions. Jane almost smacked her head with the palm of her hand; she couldn't believe that she'd never seen it before. Alex was in love with Jill. He obviously adored her son; and Jane couldn't help but think that maybe her daughter would get her happily ever after all.
"Mom?" Jane was brought back to reality when she heard Jill question her and all three young adults and the baby turned to face her. "Hi babe," she softly spoke to her daughter descending the stairs then picking up her purse and car keys off of the side table she approached Alex and held her hands out for Drew, Alex seemingly reluctant finally passed her the baby and she briefly rocked him before she gave him a kiss on the top of his head.
"Where are you going?" Jill's voice was filled with concern and Skepticism.

"Grocery store, I’ll be back in about an hour. Why? Do you need something?"
Jill shook her head no, and Jane quickly placed a kiss on Drew's forehead. "Goodbye my favorite boy," she said handing him back to Alex who smiled, and she returned the gesture with a knowing smile that puzzled him.
"Hey!" Jack protested in a fake hurt tone, "He's your favorite boy?" Jack plastered a sad, devastated look on his face, "You too," Jane promised placing a kiss on Jack's face as well and Jack jumped up and down pointing at his small nephew and saying in a taunting voice, "HA-HA! I WIN!"
Jill and Alex each shook their heads rolling their eyes in disbelief of the tall black-haired boy's childish antics but neither could contain a smile.
Jane bid her final goodbyes leaving the doorway, and not a moment later Jill nodded her head towards the door and Alex nodded bouncing the baby in his arms and slipping the diaper bag over his shoulder while Jill grabbed the carrier/car seat and followed him outside.
“Thanks again,” She said once they got outside and out of earshot from everyone else.
“For what?” Alex asked throwing the diaper bag into the front seat of his car, and handing Drew off to Jill while he took the car seat from her and installed it into the backseat all by himself. Jill was impressed with how quick he did it, and secretly double checked to see if the safety seat was set up correctly, as she put her son into the car. It was.

“Babysitting,” Jill replied behind her back as she kissed Drew’s tiny cheek and backed herself out of the car.
“Babysitting? I think it‘s called parenting when the kid happens to be yours,” Alex chuckled and Jill flushed hoping she hadn’t hurt his feelings.
“Ok,” Jill awkwardly wrang her hands together and Alex just smiled down at her waiting for her to continue. “Uhmmm…You have my number. Just call if you need anything. And…he has two bottles all set up with formula in the bag. You won’t need to feed him until…oh shit! I mean crap, you’ll have to feed him in about an hour, I’m sorry. Anyway if you still have him three to four hours after he’ll need to be fed aga-,”
Jill was rambling nervously and the boy found it endearing. He gently put his hand on her shoulder.
“Everything will be fine,” he promised her.
“Ok…yeah…yeah you’re right,” closing her eyes and blowing out air in a relieved way.
“I’ll keep in touch,” she promised and went in for a hug surprising Alex, who eventually gained his composure and went in for the hug as well, gently wrapping an arm around her waist and the other around her shoulder resting his hand gently in between her shoulder blades.
“Bye,” Alex said pulling away, smiling and walking towards the driver’s side of his car, slipping inside the car and putting his seat belt on he turned to face the small boy.
“Ready to go out with Daddy?” he asked and the baby cooed appreciatively. “Ok, now. Where are we off to?”
++++
Jill walked inside the house and called out to her brother, “Jack? Jaaaaaccckkkk?”
“I’m min her-,” she heard him say while noisily chewing a mouthful of something crunchy. Entering the kitchen she saw her brother sat upon the kitchen counter eating a bowl of cap’n crunch.
“Wat-sup-”Jack asked still heavily chewing now with his mouth partially open.
“We need to talk,” Jill sighed hopping up on the counter beside her brother letting her legs dangle and gently sway back and forth hitting the drawer behind them.
“Oway-,” Jack finished chewing the large mound in his mouth, and swallowed it before he continued, “About what?”
“Mom.” Jill would not meet her older brother’s eyes and he sounded worried, “What about her?” he asked placing the bowl of milk down on the side of him that Jill was not.
“She’s abusing her medication.”
“Abusing her medication? Ever think that she may need her medication? It’s prescribed to her for a reason,” Jack raised his voice and Jill knew that he was just doing what he thought was right, defending his mother; and she bit her lip, this was what she’d been afraid of.
“I’m not trying to condemn her at all, I’m not trying to argue, and I’m just scared. Listen Jack, she had three months worth of medication that was gone in almost a week!” she exclaimed and a look of rage came over Jack’s face however, the look soon dissipated once he saw the tears that were welling up in his sister’s eyes. Once he realized that she was sincere, and completely serious, he bit the inside of his cheek unsure what to do or say.
“When did-uh-when did you start noticing the missing pills?” Jack asked his voice now calm and quieted.
“Around the time Kate came home, maybe a little later. At least that’s when I noticed it.”
“And how about her? How’s she been acting since you’ve noticed?”
“That’s the thing…” Jill trailed off, “I can’t remember a time since dad died that she’s been. So good with Drew and happy.”
“So,” Jack was looking down with his hands in the front of his hair and assessing everything, “Mom is using too much medication, but she’s better then ever before…what do we do?”
“I don’t know. All these things can’t be good for her, but…she’s happy…,”
“We’ll sit her down.” Jack said definitively, “Hash this whole thing out,” he finished and Jill was happy that her brother had come to the same realization she had without her even having to try to convince or plead with him.
The smaller girl nodded and looked down still though a very minor smile had begun to sprout on her face. Maybe everything would be ok.
++++
“He’s soooo cute,” the girl in front of Alex and Drew cooed placing the strands of her hair behind her ear.
The two boys had ended up at the mall after driving for a bit. At first they’d headed towards Alex’s apartment but half-way there Alex had decided Drew should have some clothes, and toys and such at his place too, so he’d made a u-turn and drove up towards the mall. By the time he’d reached the mall and unloaded Drew and his baby bag out of the car, finally getting inside, he’d realized it was time to feed his son.
“Shit!” Alex whisper-yelled and then looked down at the giggling baby smiling warmly, “You think this is funny, huh bud? You think this is funny,” Alex was shocked with his tone; it was in a baby voice. He had surprised himself with the way he so easily adapted into the father life. Drew was still giggling and Alex put the carrier on a chair beside him, the bag on the table in front of him; and scooped Drew up lifting him in the air tickling him. The baby adored this and kept his gummy smile wide. After a few minutes, Alex held Drew to his chest gently with one hand while rocking him. With his other hand he reached into the bag and searched around for the baby bottle. Alex was feeling around as much as possible inside the bag for only having one hand to use, but he was afraid to move himself to see inside the bag for fear of dropping Drew, or arranging him in a way of discomfort. Finally grasping the rubbery cap Alex pulled the bottle as hard as he could until he had a good grasp on the whole thing and easily pulled it toward himself. Flipping Drew around so that his front was facing upward, and placed the bottle into his mouth. Drew ate/drank the formula hungrily and Alex watched him. He couldn’t describe the bond he felt they shared as the baby looked up in Alex’s eyes and his seemed to say ‘thank you for feeding me dad!’ He was mesmerized in the moment and couldn’t even seem to focus his eyes on anything else.
“My my, Alex Gaskarth?” a soft, child-like, female voice spoke to him. Looking up Alex came face to face with a familiar face. Her body and sultry demeanor were anything other then child-like.
“Hey Dean,” Alex said glancing at her softly before he brought his attention back to Drew who’s eyes were now drooping even though he was still drinking the bottle.
Dean Andrews was a name that hadn’t been out of Alex’s mouth in--he hadn’t known how long. She used to be a regular conquest of his but he hadn’t seen her since the summer they’d both graduated high school three years previous. Back before the thought of being romantic with Jill Barakat had ever even entered his mind. He and Dean had never been officially together, but he could remember several double dates throughout high school. Dean and himself with Jack and Kate.
The stranger who was his former lover, sat beside Alex and Drew as she looked lovingly upon the baby.
“Still in town I see?” she asked Alex playfully with a sexy smile.
“Yeah…not for long I hope though. Waiting for a record deal and it’s off to the west coast.”
“The west coast, that’s where it’s at,” Dean’s face was plastered in a dreaming, far off face; and Alex remembered that that was where Dean had been headed last time they’d spoken.
“Didn’t you go out there? After High School?” Alex asked looking up from Drew and examined Dean for the first time since she’d made her presence known. She was the complete opposite of Jill in every way; physically at least. Dean had angular, sharper features very pronounced; whereas Jill’s features were softer, more feminine. Dean’s light blue eyes and golden hair battled Jill’s deep dark hair and piercing hazel eyes. And lastly, Dean was tall, almost to Alex’s height himself with legs that seemed to go on forever while Jill’s petite size was endearing and made Alex feel the need to wrap his arms around her and never let her go.
“Yeah, still do half year, half year in NY. Still have the Broadway dreams. For now, I’m just visiting for a week. Low profile though so ‘shh’,” Dean flirted in her indirect way as she gently lifted her finger to her lips.
Alex shook his head with a smile thinking of Dean Andrews and her old tricks. “Still same ol’ Dean huh?”
“Guilty.” Dean shrugged her shoulders as she crossed and uncrossed her legs, although Alex wasn’t noticing quite as much as she would have liked him to. She hadn’t planned on running into anyone on her trip home. Sure as hell not anyone she’d want to talk to. However she’d clearly realized she was wrong when she saw her old flame, Alexander Gaskarth sitting in the food court, with a baby no less.
“But you’re not the same old Alex. Daddy Alex now I presume.” There was a hint of teasing in her town, however it sounded impressed as well.
Alex froze at the comment. He wanted so badly to say yes instinctively, but the secret was holding him back. But looking down at Drew who was looking up into his eyes, and then looking at Dean’s face he just grinned warmly, and shook his head yes, “yeah,” he responded softly.
Eh, what the hell she’s going back to the West coast in a week anyway. It‘s not like she‘s going to go out and run her mouth, and even if she does who is she going to tell that I know, he thought.
“Well” Dean leaned forward, “He’s soooo cute,” she cooed placing the strands of her hair behind her ear. “And he looks just like you.”
Alex never really thought of it before, but looking down he could definitely see Drew carrying a strong resemblance. Being a ‘proud papa’ Alex took the finished bottle from Drew’s mouth and placed him across his shoulder and burped him.
“ Definitely not same old Alex. It’s crazy! You’re a-single?-dad, and a good one at that. He looks like he adores you, and you actually look like you know what you’re doing.”
“I try. It’s harder when you’re by yourself,” Alex had meant that it was harder to take care of everything on a daily basis, whereas Dean had taken it that he was taking care of the child all by himself all the time. Because of this, Dean didn’t ask any questions about the baby’s mother, which Alex would have been grateful for if he’d noticed.
“Oh where are my manners? What’s your name little guy?”
“This is Drew,” Alex said in a baby voice and waved his tiny hand at Dean as she laughed.
A comfortable silence fell over the three of them before Dean started again.
“Are you still close with Jack?”
“Best friends,” Alex confirmed, “And he and Kate are together.”
Dean’s eyes grew wide, “Still? Wow, that’s crazy, they must really be in love...I remember some pretty crazy stuff went down with the two of them.”
“Like the fight at the market?” Alex laughed and Drew, who’d been falling asleep on the Alex, was startled by the laugh and began to whine since he did not want to be woken up.
“Exactly! That was crazy! Costco had their pictures in the front of the door reading ‘DO NOT PERMIT ENTERANCE’ for the longest time,” Dean chuckled and Alex rearranged Drew into his carrier and rocked it slowly back and forth smiling at what must have been the newest catch phrase of Dean’s vocabulary. ‘That’s crazy’.
“You know sometimes I wonder what would have happened if we ended up together,” Dean batted her eyelashes and Alex was not going to just give in. Not while avoiding her eyes anyway.
“Were we ever actually together?” Alex asked cockily.
“No, but we had some…” Dean chuckled, “good times.”
Alex couldn’t disagree with that statement. Some of his best times in high school were spent with Dean locked away up in his bedroom. “Yeah,” he smiled unsure of what else to say.
“And now you have a family, and a pending musician career, everything I’m searching for.”
Alex didn’t know what context to take that statement in. He wasn’t sure if the statement was a come-on, or just a way to state the facts in a wishful way. Thankfully he didn’t have to find out. As he opened his mouth to respond whatever first came to his mind, there was an addition to the table, an interruption in the conversation.

“Alex. Dean Andrews?” Dean and Alex both looked up to the person behind the greeting.
“Zack Merrick,” Dean said excitedly, she stood and when that happened she was no longer blocking Zack’s line of vision to the carrier holding Drew, and Zack’s confused expression grew even more confused.
“Hey Dean,” he awkwardly returned the hug that she was giving him and shot Alex a, what the hell is going on,; look.
“How are you?” Zack asked as he made his way over to the carrier and scooped Drew out and cradled him, “Hey little man what are you doing with Uncle Alex?”
Dean faltered giving Alex a look that he returned with a pleading, ‘don’t say anything’ look.
“Oh, uh. I’m ok…just visiting for the week. Still out on the west coast mostly.”
“That’s great I love it out there,” Zack agreed giving most of his attention to Drew who he was playing with in his arms.
“Where’s mommy?” he asked Drew tickling his stomach so the baby began to cackle. “Where’s mommy huh?” He was confused to why Jill would let Alex take Drew out alone. She was a bit overprotective and the only people that she usually let him go out with alone were Jack or her mother.
At Zack’s question, although directed at the child who could not speak yet Dean looked between the two grown boys curiously waiting for a response on either side.
“She’s uh-,” Alex fumbled on his words cursing the predicament he was in. One slip up in words to Zack and he was done. However he’d been nothing but truthful to Dean as well and didn’t want her to think he was lying. His next words would have to be choice.
Careful not to say her name for the ears of Dean he started with, “She’s,” not wanting to give too much away he continued with, “busy” and finished without the word babysitting, instead opting for, “and asked me to take Drew for the day.”
Both of the spectators to Alex and Drew’s afternoon seemed satisfied with the response, although Dean still was looking at Alex questioningly and he had no doubt it was due to Zack’s little introduction to him.
“Well it was nice seeing you again,” Dean finally said awkwardly to Zack who muttered off a quick goodbye absorbed into playing with Drew. It was hard not to be.
Then she made her way over to Alex placing a light, soft kiss on his cheek and took out a receipt from her wallet and her eyeliner. He watched her thin, fragile looking hand as she maneuvered marks on the back of the receipt, into numbers. Ten numbers to be exact.
“Call me.” she said capping her eyeliner and meeting her eyes with his. It wasn’t a request. It was a demand. That was the way she’d always been, forward to say the least.
“Ok,” Alex responded not knowing what else to do or say,
And just like that Dean Andrews disappeared as soon as she had appeared and Alex brought his full attention back to Zack and Drew. Drew was starting to get cranky with Zack who was about to put him down in the carrier before Alex intervened and took him cradling him perfectly, and Zack gave Alex a wary look. He wasn’t quite sure what was up with his friend but he didn’t think that spending excessive time with Jill’s son and chatting up old flames was a good idea. Especially when he was doing the same thing at the same time.
“What are you doing here?” Alex asked well naturedly.
“I was going to ask you the same thing,” Zack’s tone was polite but Alex read right through it.
“I told you. I’m looking after Drew. Jill had stuff to do.” Zack still didn’t look convinced so Alex took it a step farther. He was feverishly looking around behind him, for dramatic effect of course, before leaning in towards the taller blonde boy, “I didn’t want Jill and Jack to know, but Jane asked me to pick up some things for him. Some things that they can’t afford right now. I ran into her on her way out, because she was going to do it of course, but I insisted since she wasn’t feeling well. “
“Oh,” Zack said not thinking to question such a thorough response, and he looked down as Alex looked down neither sure of where to take the conversation next.
“I’m just looking for a pair of some Steven Madden boots for Michelle,” Zack trailed off now deeply interested with the paper he had in front of him that described the boots to a tee, where he could find them, and the size he’d need to purchase.
“Michelle huh? You two still together?,” Alex asked putting the now sleeping baby into the carrier, throwing the baby bag over his left shoulder and picking up the carrier with his right hand and beginning to walk keeping in sync with Zack.
“Yeah,” Zack said with a huge grin engulfing his face, “She’s a really great girl. I like her a lot anyway. It’s just…I think Rian and some other people think it’s weird because she’s only just turned 18...”
Alex chuckled, “If you like her then that’s all that matters. Besides it’s totally legal.”
Zack smiled happy to have someone in agreement with him as the three males entered into a shoe store.
“And I’m really glad that she has someone that cares so much for her,” Alex continued getting Zack’s attention. “When we had our thing it was like mostly physical y’know? I just wasn’t into her for a relationship, anyone really at that point, but at least she has you now and-,” before finishing his sentence Alex looked up from the pair of baby Jordan’s he was looking at for Drew over to Zack. He was surprised to see all the color drained from his face. Before he could open his mouth to ask what was wrong, Zack beat him to the punch.
“You…and Michelle?”