Status: Off hiatus! Active, slowly but surely!
Sinister Smile With a Hole in My Heart
"I remember head down after you'd found out."
Jill awoke from a nightmare in a cold sweat. It was only after she woke upshe realized her nightmare wasn't just a dream. It had really happened.
After sleeping together Jill just laid there trying to let what she'd just done sink into her head.
"Are you ok?" Alex asked sitting up and reapplying his shirt. Sounding like he actually cared.
"Yeah." She lied plastering on a smile, "fine."
"Ok. Well...thanks?" Alex placed a kiss on her cheek and got up to walk out of the den. Turning to glance at her once more he looked her over smiling and left.
Jill couldn't help the tears from coming. She had no idea where they were coming from. She'd waited for the boy she wanted, so why did it feel so wrong and rushed?
Pulling out bag that was crushed under her, she took out her phone and called the one person that she knew she could talk to.
Her tears had now turned into sobs as she waited for Joey to answer. Ring after ring. No Voicemail. Nothing.
Finding herself sadder and even angry she fled out of the den she was in, wanting to get away from the scene. After getting her coat. She snuck out of the back door, and decided to take the very very chilly walk home.
The snow was heavy and the mid december snow kept falling. Pulling on her scarf and gloves, with her arms crossed across her chest Jill hoped she would get frostbite or hypothermia and just curl up, fall asleep and die.
Twenty minutes later as she was trudging up her snowcovered driveway she saw a police car had turned onto her street.
+++
Alex rustled and turned on his side once again. He just couldnt seem to get comfortable. A problem he'd been having for the last month. Nights went by and he tossed and turned with maybe an hour or two of sleep under his belt ,tops. Band rehersals had been slow since they usually took place in Jack's basement and the....Jill's baby's had come home. Plus Jack had been busy helping out with his nephew. So what kept Alex preoccupied? Bars. Drinking. girls. sex. more drinking. sleep til the next night. By sleeping he meant trying to. Or laying in bed. Rolling once more he faced his alarm clock. Only 12:30 pm. He still had a few hours until happy hour. He wasnt desperate enough to go out drinking before happy hour.
"Still sleeping?" a voice said from behind the bathroom door and moments later it opened up revealing one of the more frequent visitors in his bed. Shaking out her wet blonde hair she sat on the bed besides him.
"what are your plans for today?"
"I don't know." he lied, he knew exactly what his plans were.
"Well. I promised my cousin I would stop by. You should come. I bet Jack will be there, you guys could hang out."
"Michelle, I can't." he replied irritated. That was the last thing he wanted to do.
"You haven't even seen him yet have you?" Quickly, Michelle pulled out her phone and opened it,shoving it in Alex's face.
He really didn't want to look. He had no idea where opening that can of worms would lead him but he was sure wherever it was, it would not be a good outcome. His curiousity however, got the best of him and he looked at the screen. The little baby on the screen was adorable.Small with Jill's thick chocolate brown hair. But the big eyes staring into the camera were not green like hers. They were a warm brown. Matching his own.
"Isn't he?!" Michelle asked again louder interupting his thoughts.
"Isn't who?" Alex asked pushing the phone back towards Michelle no longer wanting to look at the image that he couldn't tear his eyes from.
"Isn't Drew cute?!"
Drew.
His sons name was Drew. Choking on the thought Alex nodded and turned to his side. No words were coming out.
"So come see him!" Michelle probed one last time getting off of the bed.
"No." Alex said finally feeling his lips again.
"Fine," Michelle resolved. "I don't know why the hell you're so hestitant but you're going to have to see him someday," she replied walking out of the room.
He knew that she was right. That was what scared him. Facing the baby with his big brown eyes and his mother who he'd hurt so badly.
"Are you sure?" Jill asked hesitantly as her brother rocked a crying Drew back and forth.
"Yes. I've got it Jill. Don't I buddy?" he asked and the more he rocked the infant, the quieter he got.
"Well, it's the first time that I'm going to leave him alone with someone for so long...."
"JILL! WE WILL BE FINE!" he whisper-screamed since the baby was dozing off in his arms. "Besides it's only for three hours."
"Ok." Jill gave in slowly making her way to her front door. She really didn't want to but she knew she had to at least attempt to get a job. She did not want her son to be raised being dependant on his grandma and uncle. Plus she didn't want to break the bank for either of them either.
"Ok, You call me if anything, ANYTHING goes wrong! You got it?" she demanded bossily to her older brother.
"Yeah, Yeah. I've got it. Now go." he said slamming the door leaving her outside.
Fixing her blouse she got into her car and headed to the mall. The first place a girl with only a high school education and a baby would go to find work.
+++
Jill had to practically drag herself out of the store she'd just submitted an application for. Every single store in the malll. Every single one she'd gone to had said the same thing. Sorry, we're not currently hiring but leave us an application and if something opens up we'll call. Somehow Jill was doubtful. Making her way to the food court, Jill dug out the five she knew she had in her wallet. After her tiring and disapointing day she figured she at least deserved a nice coffee cooler from Dairy Queen or something before going home to play mommmy. Rounding the corner her heart stopped in her throat.
He was walking into the bank next to the Dairy Queen. Stopping her strides, her breath began to quicken and everything around her began to blur. Scrambling around for a seat she finally spotted a bench in an alcove in nearby. Out of sight from him. She practically ran. As everything began to darken, her pace fastened and right before she could reach the bench she felt a thud.
Someone had run into her. Or she them. She was not entirely sure. Either way, not meaning to be rude, but desperate, she pushed them away and finally sat on the bench. Closing her eyes and placing her head between her knees she took nice easy breaths. Everything began to slow and she soon returned to normal. Lifting her head back up she was surprised to see a man, well a boy looking to be about her age standing there staring at her concerned. Embarresed she realized that this must have beeen the person she'd had the collision with.
"I'm Sorry," she managed to say before he said anything as she got up. "I had a bit of a panic attack. I'm not normally so rude," she flashed him her best smile, which wasn't much of one.
"No no. It's fine. I was just worried that you were going to start siezing," he siad offering her his hand.
"Alex." he said
Faltering a bit at the irony, she placed her hand in his. "Jill."
"Nice to meet you,Jill." he smiled.
Alex flipped his hair out of his eye. It was definitely time for a haircut. Placing his money that he'd just withdrawn from the bank into his pocket he sighed. Not being at the mall in ages he tried to remember where the salon region of the mall was. Lost in his thoughts he wandered around until her found a map mall. Not realizing it he had managed to pass it on his way into the mall and was at the polar end opposite now. Remembering that he could pass through the hallway in the back of the mall where the security and lost and found were, he made his way there.
Slowly rounding the corner he stopped dead in his tracks. There she was. Jill Barakat. He knew that she was no longer pregnant but he was surprised she was already exactly the weight sdhe was pre-pregnancy. She looked...great. Except she wasn't smiling like she used to. Her mouth smiled. But her eyes didn't. Cruelly Alex was happy about the absence of her old smile, because she was standing there with her hand in the hand of another man. Not taking care of their--her- he corrected himself-child. He now knew, that seeing the baby and Jill around may make sticking to his decision difficult.
After sleeping together Jill just laid there trying to let what she'd just done sink into her head.
"Are you ok?" Alex asked sitting up and reapplying his shirt. Sounding like he actually cared.
"Yeah." She lied plastering on a smile, "fine."
"Ok. Well...thanks?" Alex placed a kiss on her cheek and got up to walk out of the den. Turning to glance at her once more he looked her over smiling and left.
Jill couldn't help the tears from coming. She had no idea where they were coming from. She'd waited for the boy she wanted, so why did it feel so wrong and rushed?
Pulling out bag that was crushed under her, she took out her phone and called the one person that she knew she could talk to.
Her tears had now turned into sobs as she waited for Joey to answer. Ring after ring. No Voicemail. Nothing.
Finding herself sadder and even angry she fled out of the den she was in, wanting to get away from the scene. After getting her coat. She snuck out of the back door, and decided to take the very very chilly walk home.
The snow was heavy and the mid december snow kept falling. Pulling on her scarf and gloves, with her arms crossed across her chest Jill hoped she would get frostbite or hypothermia and just curl up, fall asleep and die.
Twenty minutes later as she was trudging up her snowcovered driveway she saw a police car had turned onto her street.
+++
Alex rustled and turned on his side once again. He just couldnt seem to get comfortable. A problem he'd been having for the last month. Nights went by and he tossed and turned with maybe an hour or two of sleep under his belt ,tops. Band rehersals had been slow since they usually took place in Jack's basement and the....Jill's baby's had come home. Plus Jack had been busy helping out with his nephew. So what kept Alex preoccupied? Bars. Drinking. girls. sex. more drinking. sleep til the next night. By sleeping he meant trying to. Or laying in bed. Rolling once more he faced his alarm clock. Only 12:30 pm. He still had a few hours until happy hour. He wasnt desperate enough to go out drinking before happy hour.
"Still sleeping?" a voice said from behind the bathroom door and moments later it opened up revealing one of the more frequent visitors in his bed. Shaking out her wet blonde hair she sat on the bed besides him.
"what are your plans for today?"
"I don't know." he lied, he knew exactly what his plans were.
"Well. I promised my cousin I would stop by. You should come. I bet Jack will be there, you guys could hang out."
"Michelle, I can't." he replied irritated. That was the last thing he wanted to do.
"You haven't even seen him yet have you?" Quickly, Michelle pulled out her phone and opened it,shoving it in Alex's face.
He really didn't want to look. He had no idea where opening that can of worms would lead him but he was sure wherever it was, it would not be a good outcome. His curiousity however, got the best of him and he looked at the screen. The little baby on the screen was adorable.Small with Jill's thick chocolate brown hair. But the big eyes staring into the camera were not green like hers. They were a warm brown. Matching his own.
"Isn't he?!" Michelle asked again louder interupting his thoughts.
"Isn't who?" Alex asked pushing the phone back towards Michelle no longer wanting to look at the image that he couldn't tear his eyes from.
"Isn't Drew cute?!"
Drew.
His sons name was Drew. Choking on the thought Alex nodded and turned to his side. No words were coming out.
"So come see him!" Michelle probed one last time getting off of the bed.
"No." Alex said finally feeling his lips again.
"Fine," Michelle resolved. "I don't know why the hell you're so hestitant but you're going to have to see him someday," she replied walking out of the room.
He knew that she was right. That was what scared him. Facing the baby with his big brown eyes and his mother who he'd hurt so badly.
"Are you sure?" Jill asked hesitantly as her brother rocked a crying Drew back and forth.
"Yes. I've got it Jill. Don't I buddy?" he asked and the more he rocked the infant, the quieter he got.
"Well, it's the first time that I'm going to leave him alone with someone for so long...."
"JILL! WE WILL BE FINE!" he whisper-screamed since the baby was dozing off in his arms. "Besides it's only for three hours."
"Ok." Jill gave in slowly making her way to her front door. She really didn't want to but she knew she had to at least attempt to get a job. She did not want her son to be raised being dependant on his grandma and uncle. Plus she didn't want to break the bank for either of them either.
"Ok, You call me if anything, ANYTHING goes wrong! You got it?" she demanded bossily to her older brother.
"Yeah, Yeah. I've got it. Now go." he said slamming the door leaving her outside.
Fixing her blouse she got into her car and headed to the mall. The first place a girl with only a high school education and a baby would go to find work.
+++
Jill had to practically drag herself out of the store she'd just submitted an application for. Every single store in the malll. Every single one she'd gone to had said the same thing. Sorry, we're not currently hiring but leave us an application and if something opens up we'll call. Somehow Jill was doubtful. Making her way to the food court, Jill dug out the five she knew she had in her wallet. After her tiring and disapointing day she figured she at least deserved a nice coffee cooler from Dairy Queen or something before going home to play mommmy. Rounding the corner her heart stopped in her throat.
He was walking into the bank next to the Dairy Queen. Stopping her strides, her breath began to quicken and everything around her began to blur. Scrambling around for a seat she finally spotted a bench in an alcove in nearby. Out of sight from him. She practically ran. As everything began to darken, her pace fastened and right before she could reach the bench she felt a thud.
Someone had run into her. Or she them. She was not entirely sure. Either way, not meaning to be rude, but desperate, she pushed them away and finally sat on the bench. Closing her eyes and placing her head between her knees she took nice easy breaths. Everything began to slow and she soon returned to normal. Lifting her head back up she was surprised to see a man, well a boy looking to be about her age standing there staring at her concerned. Embarresed she realized that this must have beeen the person she'd had the collision with.
"I'm Sorry," she managed to say before he said anything as she got up. "I had a bit of a panic attack. I'm not normally so rude," she flashed him her best smile, which wasn't much of one.
"No no. It's fine. I was just worried that you were going to start siezing," he siad offering her his hand.
"Alex." he said
Faltering a bit at the irony, she placed her hand in his. "Jill."
"Nice to meet you,Jill." he smiled.
Alex flipped his hair out of his eye. It was definitely time for a haircut. Placing his money that he'd just withdrawn from the bank into his pocket he sighed. Not being at the mall in ages he tried to remember where the salon region of the mall was. Lost in his thoughts he wandered around until her found a map mall. Not realizing it he had managed to pass it on his way into the mall and was at the polar end opposite now. Remembering that he could pass through the hallway in the back of the mall where the security and lost and found were, he made his way there.
Slowly rounding the corner he stopped dead in his tracks. There she was. Jill Barakat. He knew that she was no longer pregnant but he was surprised she was already exactly the weight sdhe was pre-pregnancy. She looked...great. Except she wasn't smiling like she used to. Her mouth smiled. But her eyes didn't. Cruelly Alex was happy about the absence of her old smile, because she was standing there with her hand in the hand of another man. Not taking care of their--her- he corrected himself-child. He now knew, that seeing the baby and Jill around may make sticking to his decision difficult.