Running With Scissors

My feet were dragging when I re-entered the appartment. I placed the phone on the table and looked up to see Jayde at the fridge, pulling out a container of orange juice. She didn't make eye-contact as she poured it into a tall glass and lifted it to her lips; Her hips leaning carelessly against the counter and her hair wildly escaping it's natural flow. She can feel my eyes on her; I can tell, but she won't say a word.

I sigh loudly, finally bringing her attention to me, even if it's just for a second.

"What do you want me to do," I ask her.

"What do you mean?" Innocence swarms her tone.

"I don't know... All I know is that you're not happy; and I can't help you... Do you want me to leave?"

"What? No-"

"Cause it seems like I'm causing you some kind of grief being here. I don't know what to do. I don't want to see you get hurt and I never thought things would be this bad... I guess I expected to come back here and get some wonderful welcome! I expected to find all of my friends the same way they were before... I didn't expect to find that one of them was dead, and the other one so broken she minus well be. I just... Fuck! I was living in my own world... I fucked up big time, didn't I? I can't do nothing right... I wanted you to be alright. Especially you- I... I care about you. I fucking can't stand to sit around and watch you cut yourself down inch by inch. You're breaking my heart, Jayde! Just... Fuck! I- I can't deal with this! Fuck!"

She jumps when I cuss. She's mistakening my worry; my despair for anger. I'm making her feel more hopeless by trying to explain myself. Like I said, I can't do anything right and by now, I can't take back what I've said. I stand hopelessly, my hair falling across my face like it had when I was hopeless and alone.

I'm brought to my senses with the crash of broken glass and look up just in time to see Jade collapse to the floor, surrounded by her broken glass. She's grabbing at her hair, perhaps trying to pull it out in frustration and gasps of sobs start to escape her mouth. My body still hasn't responded to the incident. I feel like the world is moving in slow motion; Like I'm watching all of this in a movie from afar.

"I'm sorry... I didn't mean it," I say, approaching her quickly, trying to reach out to her before she slaps my arms away from her.

"I can't stand this," she screamed before getting to her feet and opening the cupboard. "I can't stand living," she screams, throwing a plate across the room. "I can't stand letting people walk all over me! I can't stand trying to impress people, or trying to be happy! I hate everything! I hate my parent's, I hate my boss, I hate myself!" She continues to scream as dishes are thrown around, crashing to the floor in shattered pieces. "I knew this was going to happen! I knew I was going to lose everything! I knew I was going to screw up, and everyone was going to leave me! I fucking can't stand myself... Look what I've done! Look what I've done! And now you're going to leave too; Just like all of them! You're just going to leave because I'm a lost cause! I should have known! I should've known!" She drops to her knees, gasping for air as she pulls ferociously at her hair once more.

My heart is pounding a hundred miles per hour as I find my face wet with tears. I don't know what to do; I'm on the verge of an anxiety attack. I'm in shock. I'm... horrified.

She mumbles something before she reaches for shards of glass, crushing them in her hands until her skin is raw and bloody. I suddenly snap into reality as a glistening shard of glass travels upwards to her arm.

"Jayden, stop," I scream, grabbing her by the shoulders and wrestling the glass from her.

She screams at me, telling me to let her go; telling me to leave.

"Stop it," I cry out, holding her near me until she's calmed down enough to breath. I find myself repeating the sentence, "I'm not leaving you, I'm never leaving you; You're not a lost cause... I'll never leave you again. Fuck... I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, Jayde..."

She's trembling like crazy, her body tired and worn out, therefore not bothering to fight back anymore. My chest is soaked from tears as she sniffles, leaning against me calmly. I cease to let her go, just holding her for as long as I can.

"I'm going to bed," she says brainlessly, pushing away from me and getting to her feet to walk down the hall to her room where she closes the door leaving me surrounded by the horrid mess she's left behind; The horrid mess reminding me of a time that still doesn't seem real...