Running With Scissors

Dry swallowing pills. It's an event that sends your gag reflex churning inside you. Here I am, staring at the pitiful reflection in front of me. Here I am, not hopped up on any drugs, but forcing more then the recommended dose of anti-depressants and sleeping pills down my dry throat. I could care less- I need the sleep. My eyes are dry and itchy, showing hints of red and weariness. I can see my lips moving, but I'm not talking- My reflection is. My limbs are sore and heavy and I hear the ticking of a clock inside my head. I don't know where it's coming from, but I want to find out.

Sleep is the only consciousness where demented thoughts come together. It's the only time thoughts can't scream useless messages to my brain. These pills keep these thoughts under control. These pills keep the thoughts from choking the air from inside me; from tying me up and throwing me into the ocean. These pills are proof that I am sane, because without them my brain comes apart at the seems, making me more dependant then a whining toddler.

My eyes curiously switch their glance to the open doorway where Jayde is standing, smiling weakly at my figure. Then I realize I'm not even looking directly at her, I see her through the mirror. My eyes look away, despite the fact I have pitifully tried to force them to be otherwise.

"That's a lot of pills," she states quietly pointing at the line up against the back of her bathroom sink.

"It's not all of them," I state, even though I tell my mouth to stay quiet.

"Do you ever take the wrong ones?"

"Yea."

"What happens?"

"Depends."

"On what," she asks curiously.

"What's mixed with what, how much I've already taken, how much I've had to drink- if any," I tell her, feeling useless and embarassed at her curiousity.

"You drink," she asks as if she's surprised. Who wouldn't be...

"No. Well... Not really, no."

"So you do or you don't? You sound unsure," she teases.

"Once and a while. Okay?" I feel my face burning up with embarassment. Humility.

The atmosphere became groggy and awkward and I cleared my throat as I put all of my things back in my bag. I looked up at her and blankly stated, "I'm going to go lay down now."

"Alright. Do you want me to wake you up later or anything?"

"No," I answered defensively, pausing in the hall. "No... It's alright."

"Okay," she smiled.

"Bye."

"Goodnight."