Poprocks and Coke: If I Can't Have Both, Which Do I Choose?

I ran into the house, trying to fight the feelings of wanting to pass out right in the hallway. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want to cry, I was in too much shock to. All I could feel at that exact moment was a seperation from my own body and reality. It was as if time stood still but my body was in a mode where I couldn't slow down my thoughts or my heartbeat. Everything was so out of reach.

I just stood there in the hallway, looking around my house like I didn't know where I was, like I was in a dream... I wish I was.

I walked over to the phone like a shocked little child, unaware of the horrors that are outside. Every ounce of independence I thought I had disappeared and all that was left was a little girl who needed a hug that was never going to end.

Once I picked up the receiver it hit me... he's gone, and it could be my fault... I broke down right in the middle of the kitchen. I've never cried so much in my life. I was practically screaming at the top of my lungs.

I managed to try to push back all the tears and I dialed the number for 911. When someone picked up, I sniffled and wiped away all my stranded tears. "Hello, what is the problem?" the lady asked.

I sniffled trying to answer, "My brother..." I tried to talk but it was just too hard.

"Yes, what's wrong with your brother, M'am?" she asked, trying to be as soothing as possible.

"He's in the garage..." I paused to wipe away some tears, "Dead," I cried softly.

"Just stay at home." she ordered sympathically, "I'll have someone come in a few minutes," I nodded my head even though she couldn't see that. "We found your address. Just stay tight for a while."

I nodded, "Okay." With that, I hung up.

I slowly stood up from where I was. It took me awhile but I finally started to walk down the hall. I looked out the window to see if there was any sign of life around, there wasn't. That's when a weird sensation started to flow through my body. It felt horrid and suddenly the memory of my brother hanging from a rope came shooting through my mind. I quickly gulp as I felt the need to vomit.

I ran into the washroom and stood by the toilet. The vomit from my brothers still, lifeless body makes my whole body shiver and chill when I start vomitting into the toilet.

I flushed and then looked back out the main window in the house at the front door. As I looked out, I saw a bunch of cop cars that weren't there before. I walked out the door to show them where Kyle was. I went up to the first cop who looked at me like I was the saddest thing he'd ever seen, making me feel even more lost.

Without letting him talk, I quickly answered the question that I knew he was about to ask, "He's right in here," I said with no emotion in my voice nor face.

I went up to the garage door, and slowly opened it. It was hard for me to look at his lifeless body hanging there from a rope that was tied to a block of wood up on the garage ceiling. His face almost blue from having no oxygen. It was such a sad sight, but for me it was something completely different. I felt like it was my fault. How could I have been so mean and difficult to him, especially after his car accident?

"Everything will me fine." A young police woman said to me. "Where's your parents?"

"I don't know," I paused, trying to get out of my daze, but it was hopeless, "they weren't home when I left."

"Where did you go?" she then slipped out a notepad, getting ready to take notes.

Here comes the interigation...

"To the theatre with my boyfriend. We just went to a movie and then went our seperate ways after the movie," I sniffled, wiping my tears on a tissue as I start to think about all the bad events that had just taken place within the past two hours.

"Was your brother showing any signs of wanting to commit suicide before you left this evening?" she asked as she looked down at a notepad, ready to write down my answers.

I paused for a few seconds as I thought about her question. It wasn't until then that I considered that maybe he did show signs that I didn't see before.

"You know I do love you, right, kid?"

I smiled and nodded, "I know. Same goes to you, senior."

He smiled small and looked like he was satisfied with my answer; "Are you going out tonight?"

I nodded, "I'll be back before midnight probably."

He paused, looking as if he was in deep thought. It felt awkward as I stared at his deep face, "You okay with that?" I questioned slowly.

He popped his head back up and nodded quickly, "Have a good time and tell Billie to treat you good or I'll haunt him," he weakly smiled.

I inhaled sharply at my last memory I have of my brother. I guess the remarks he made could have been suspicious, but he was being playful with me, wasn't he? There was no seriousness or tenseness in our conversation, we were being goofy.

I snapped back into reality a bit after my thought of my brother from earlier that night and looked at the cop, "We talked for a minute before I left... he seemed normal..." I paused for a moment. Was he okay with me going out? Could have this all been prevented if I had chose to stay home in stead of going out tonight?

"M'am?" urged the cop, trying to get me back out of my daze.

"It's just so... I'm just really confused right now," I looked up at her anxiously, meeting her eyes but quickly glancing down to the ground. I looked over to my side only to see the paramedics zip up Kyle in a body bag. I felt my tears begin to swell up again in my eyes. How could this happen? My poor brother. I never meant to make fun of him through the years, I thought he knew that I was only doing it because I'm his sister. How could he kill himself?

"M'am, if you would like, I can send some reports to set you up with a grieff counselor right away. I know how hard this probably is for you and there's no harm going for a little extra guidance to help you through this tough time," the cop stared at me. I found it hard to make any kind of eye contact so I kept my eyes glued to the ground under me.

I nodded quietly, scared if any noise that came from me would cause me to lose control and break down into tears.

As I went into my home, the same feeling came over me like I was in some kind of nightmare that would wake me up at any moment. I just stood there once again in the middle of the hall thinking I'd be woken up at any minute. In the back of my head I knew that this was reality but I didn't want to believe that.

I was so caught up in my thoughts that I didn't even hear the phone ring. I let it ring a bit before I got the confidence to answer it. I walked into the kitchen then grabbed the phone. "Hello?" I sniffled into the receiver.

"Look, Nikki, I never meant to get pissed off at the theatre, but you have to understand that Tre has been on our backs ever since we started dating," he yelled into the phone in a hurry. He sounded very anxious, drunk even.

I sniffled loud enough for him to hear even though that wasnt my intention. He sighed, "God, Nikki, I don't want to be in a fight anymore. Please stop crying?" he said like he was pleading.

"Billie, I don't care about that anymore! I have other issues I need to think about at the moment!" I said, impatiently to him although my voice sounded weak and a little horse.

He sighed again, getting more impatient by the minute, "Would you just forgive me already? I said I'm sorry, what else do you want?" he yelled into the phone in a bit of a drunken panic. At least, I was assuming he was drunk.

I felt my face turn red and I couldn't control it anymore, the storm of tears started to pour down my face, "Billie, why does everything have to be about you?! I told you that I have another issue!" I yelled into the phone with even more tears going down my cheeks. God! Why does he have to be so selfish?

"Oh, please, what other issues do you have?" he asked sarcastically, making me tense up. I could tell in that moment, by the sound of his voice that he actually didn't mean to say that and he regretted it right away. I was in no mood for bullshit though. My emotions were everywhere and I had no time to compromise.

"Billie!" I shouted, almost taking control of the tears. My control of them didn't last very long though. "Kyle just killed himself!" I whimped in pain to him, quietly and heart-wrenchingly for me to hear my own words travel through my head. I couldn't even bear how weak I sounded, but not only sounded, every one of my muscles and nerves felt weak after I finished my sentence.

There was a silence over the phone as Billie had nothing to say, but that didn't back me down, "I have more things on my mind than just you, Billie! I think you should consider my feelings too instead of being so goddamn selfish!" I quickly hung up the phone before he could reply to me. I felt so overwhelmed about everything; one moment I was mad at Billie and then I felt guilty for shouting at him when he didn't know what was really going on... How would have he known? The thought made me stare down at the phone, something inside of me was hoping he would call back and understand how I was feeling.

Nothing. Just silence filled my house and even that was scary to me.