Good Man

"Every piece of the universe, even the tiniest little snow crystal, matters somehow. I have a place in the pattern, and so do you..."
- T.A. Barron



Were Caroline back home in Buffalo, she would either be walking on leaf-covered sidewalks, crunching them to bits and pieces, or even trudging through an early snowfall. But here she was, two children walking before her, dressed in their Halloween costumes, holding retro pumpkins baskets Caroline had kept all these years in which Giselle and she had used when they went Trick-or-Treating as children.

Mikey, dressed like Zorro, walked with a skip in his step as he held a plastic sword in the hand that wasn't carrying his pumpkin basket already filled halfway with candy. Meanwhile, Chloe did her best to follow her big brother as she waddled in her costume, the pink Care Bear with the rainbow on its stomach known as Cheer Bear.

Caroline smirked at how adorable her children were.

"Mikey, don't run with that sword. You'll poke your eye out," she spoke sternly to her son. With her arms crossed under her chest, her purse dangled from her right wrist. "Careful, Chloe. Slow down so you don't fall, sweetie."

Little Chloe stopped slightly, turned to look up at her mommy and smiled, holding up her pumpkin. She was too funny to watch because she could barely walk on her own as it is and didn't even understand the concept of Halloween. All she knew was she was wearing a funny outfit that looked like a teddy bear and was holding a pumpkin as she copied every move her brother made.

Wearing a baseball cap with the brim covering her eyes, Caroline found not warmth but security in Mike's leather jacket she was wearing. Mike had always been a lean man, but this article of clothing seemed to swim on Caroline. It still carried his scent and she loved that small detail. It allowed her to feel as if he were right there with her, walking beside her as they took their children out for Halloween, just like they had the year before...



Caroline pushed the pink and green baby stroller in front of her as Mike walked next to her on the sidewalk of their neighborhood. She was dressed in only a pair of jeans and an Adeline hoodie, an Oakland Raiders baseball cap placed strategically on her head as Mike wore a black snap-cap and his black leather jacket. A two-year-old Mikey skipped along, dressed like an Oakland Raider, which was the reason behind Caroline's choice of hat.

"Daddy, daddy...we get mo' candy?"

Mike smiled. "Yep. Lots of candy," he replied with a nod, then added for Caroline's ears only, "The more for us to eat when he goes to bed."

Caroline giggled as her shoulder rubbed against her husband's as Mikey began to run as fast as his short legs would take him in the costume he was wearing.

"MJ...slow down, buddy," Mike called out to his son.

As the small Pritchard family walked up a driveway and waited for Mikey to walked carefully up to a neighbor's front door with other kids much older than him, Caroline watched her husband's profile as he looked from his son to his baby daughter, Chloe, who was eight months old and sitting up in her stroller, dressed like a pumpkin.

"I am so looking forward to taking them out Trick-or-Treating ever year until they start complaining that they're too old and would rather pass out candy," Mike commented, leaning down so that his face was only an inch in front of Chloe's. "Are you as anxious as I am, Chloe-Bug?"

Chloe grinned from ear to ear at her daddy and reached out her hands to each side of his face and grabbed tightly.

"I'll take that as a yes," Mike laughed.

Caroline laughed out loud, too...



...Until she realized it was just a memory and, according to other parents waiting for their children to step away from the house before them, she was laughing quite randomly at nothing in particular.

Realizing this faux pas, Caroline bit her lip and frowned as her children scampered up to her to show how much fuller their pumpkins buckets were getting.

She simply smiled with feigned excitement and they continued on their way to the next house on the street.



When Halloween had passed, another month without Mike had come and gone for Caroline. Eventually, just when she thought she would be able to focus on living life and not on the one she planned on living with her husband at her side, Thanksgiving began to creep up and throw togetherness back in her face.

What the hell did she have to be thankful for this year?

Sure, Giselle had taken on a husband in the form of Tre, her children were safe and healthy, but Mike had been killed.

The latter canceled out the other things, in her opinion.

Something she wasn't in the mood to share with anyone else, as well as Dr. Bath, her psychiatrist she was still seeing. She wanted everyone to believe she was getting better. And, for the most part, she was...sort of. As best as she could possibly be, anyway. But this was the holiday season, and it was going to be a very difficult one, no doubt.



Thanksgiving Day arrived rather leisurely, which was nice but laced with latent resonance.

Adrienne arrived at the Pritchard home in the late morning with bags of only God knows what, and was pleased to find Caroline had properly taken the steps in thawing the huge turkey for dinner later that evening. It had been decided a few weeks earlier that having the annual stuffing of one's face would be held at Caroline's, simply because everyone thought it would be something wonderful to do for not only Caroline, but also for everyone else. Like being close to Mike on the holiday, even though he was no longer there; physically, at least.

Caroline started working on the different pies: apple, cherry, pumpkin, and kiwi lime which was a recipe from her grandmother. Then came the preparation of the stuffing, squash, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, green beans, cranberry sauce, corn and buttered rolls.

Claudia came over during the early afternoon with Frankito to help the other women set up the dining room table complete with a smaller table set aside as the kids' table.

Around three o'clock, Billie Joe arrived with Joey and Jakob in tow, each having brought some video games to keep them busy in the event of getting bored. Next came Tre and Giselle who brought a large bowl of ambrosia salad to share for dessert. Nef, who was planning on bringing his boyfriend but felt a little awkward in doing so at this time, came stag with his fellow, and also very stag, bandmate, Dave. Following them was Anastasia, Mike's first wife, who only showed up to drop off a fifteen and a half year old Estelle. The last guest to arrive, which was a pleasant surprise, was Gerard Way.

He'd given up going home to Newark to spend the holiday with his own family.

Caroline had greeted him with a hug and let her smile for him radiate to show she was indeed grateful for his being there instead of going home, in order to help make her holiday a bit more comfortable.

Dinner was finally served at around four thirty and as all the adults sat around the table, Caroline took her place at one end of the table, which the chair at the opposite end, down across from her, remained empty.

For the man who would never sit there again.

With her children close by but looked after by their half sister, and with Billie Joe at her left and Tre to her right, she couldn't help but think of all the good men she was in the company of.

Billie Joe, Tre, Dave, Nef, Gerard, and even Rob who was home in LA for the holiday with his family. They all cared for her, they all looked out for her, they all protected her, and they all loved her.

She was surely blessed to have them all in her life, but was it horrible to think, even if for the quickest of moments, that she'd give them all up forever in an instant for just one more moment with Mike?

As the meal wore on, everyone began to slow their pace down in eating; taking only a few mouthfuls of this and that as they gradually sat back against their chairs and breathed heavily. Yawning began to follow suit as each person abandoned their plates to instead merely chat about whatever.

With studious eyes, Caroline watched everyone talking, laughing, sipping occasionally from their wine glasses, and even randomly farting.

The latter more so on Tre's part.

With a small yawn of her own, Caroline excused herself and left the dishes alone on the table as she pushed her chair back and stood up. Walking up to the kids' table, she kissed the tops of her children's' heads; Estelle included. Continuing on her path, she made her way to the front hall and up the stairs to the second floor.

Her feet finally brought her to her destination: the master bedroom. She stopped in the doorway and just looked around; the bed, in particular, in which she spent so many nights beside her husband.

"Why're you just standing there?"

Caroline's head jerked to the right to look at where the voice had come from and her heart skipped a beat in the process.

Her hazel eyes narrowing in confusion and her heart beginning to swell with joy, she couldn't help but smile as she watched Mike walk out of the master bath, adjusting the cufflinks on his right arm with his left hand.

Looking right at her, he walked over toward his tallboy dresser and shook his head with a laugh.

"Cat got your tongue?" he continued.

"Uh...I'm just..." Caroline stuttered. "How are you...here?"

Raising an eyebrow at his her, Mike lifted up a bottle of cologne and uncapped it as he shrugged his shoulders. "Well, let's see," he began. "My birth mommy and daddy felt horny one night and took all their clothes off, then...well, they fucked. Nine months later---"

Caroline held up her right hand to cut him off. "No, I mean...you're supposed to be..." she trailed, not knowing what she should say.

"What am I supposed to be?" Mike dabbed some cologne on his neck, behind his ears, and on his wrists and recapped the bottle before walking toward Caroline, shoving his hands in his pockets and looking down at her with impish blue eyes. "We're supposed to be going together, if that's what you're getting at. Not separately. We're not arriving as separate bands, I mean, we are..." Mike spoke candidly, staring off over her shoulder in thought.

"Huh?" Caroline was so confused now.

"You're not even dressed yet," he remarked, looking back down at her. "We're gonna be more late now."

"I'm so confused right now, it's not even funny," she explained, looking up at him and finding that she had tears stinging at her eyes. "I mean, you're here with me, right now, right? I'm really seeing you?"

Mike narrowed his eyes. "Did you get into our stash?"

"I'm serious," Caroline insisted, reaching out and touching Mike's chest to shove him gently. And when she made contact with his skin, she cried out.

"Babe?" Mike spoke, placing his strong hands on Caroline's arms and bending at the knees slightly to look her in the eyes. "What's wrong?"

Smiling through her tears, she shook her head insistently and just threw her arms around her husband's neck instead; inhaling his scent in long breaths.

"I love you, I love you, I love you..." she repeated over and over. "Don't ever leave me again."

"When did I leave you before?"

"Nevermind. It's not important."

"Okay, well...as much as I'd love to just stay here and hold you all night, among other things, you seriously need to get dressed if we're gonna make it to the San Francisco Recording Academy Honors."

"Huh? But that's in March..."

"Yeah, it is March."

"No, November. Thanksgiving, specifically."

"You did smoke some, didn't you?" Mike jested, with a hint of concern. "Babe...it's March 21, 2010..."

"No...no, that means you're not here..." Caroline began to whimper. "You're still gone..."

Closing the distance between them again, Mike embraced his wife and placed his lips to her ear. "Caroline, I'm always here."

With her eyes closed tightly, Caroline held on for dear life until she heard footsteps behind her.

"Care? You okay?"

Opening her eyes once more, the 32-year-old found herself staring at her empty bed once more. Turning to look over her shoulder, there stood Gerard who looked wholeheartedly concerned for her.

"Mike was here."

"Mike's always here, sugar," the New Jersey native commented.

"That's what he said, too," Caroline mumbled.

Looking to the floor and then back over to her bed, her eyes shifted to the photograph on her nightstand. It was a picture of Mike and Caroline standing beside one another at the San Francisco Recording Academy Honors from nearly three years before. Before Chloe had even been conceived and Mikey was just about six months old.

They were so happy then; together, in love. Alive.

"Wanna go back downstairs now for dessert? I'm dying to sample some of your sister's ambrosia salad. That shit looks delish."

Caroline smiled absentmindedly toward Gerard as she nodded and stepped closer to him. Placing his arm around the small of her back, he walked with her out of her bedroom and began to make small talk to keep her focused on the here and now.

Something of which she was fearing she might eventually lose touch with.



As soon as Thanksgiving passed, the chaos that revolved around Christmas kicked into full swing and the only thing on anyone's minds, it seemed, was shopping, shopping and more shopping.

Something of which Caroline threw herself into. She bought more gifts for everyone on her list than she normally would; perhaps subconsciously as her way to help them fill the void that would be on all their minds this winter holiday.

Caroline began to think about the time that had passed since she lost Mike during the tail end of summer: four months. Four months had come and gone. He had been dead for four months and she had become his widow; a term she was getting used to referring to herself as.

A widow.

She tried getting into the Christmas spirit. She really, really tried. She thought about the meaning of Christmas and how it was a celebration of the birth of Christ. The savior of all mankind who died for all of our sins and ascended into heaven to greet us when we all someday made that journey to the great hereafter.

And it made her think about patterns. Everywhere she looked, there was some form of a pattern. Be it in the simple design of clothing, linens and other materials objects, as well as in the places for everyone in this life. It got her thinking about how fate and life intertwine so fervently like a pair of lovers, lost in the throws of passion.

We are all meant for something, and something is meant for us all.

Each step we take and every move we make causes a ripple that will affect us in the long run, good or bad.

This was what Caroline mostly thought about at night, while she sat in bed, rubbing body lotion onto her arms, legs and feet.

That certain things we do in our lives set us on certain paths. If Caroline had stayed longer at the studio that day when Rob was in a bad mood, she never would've left when she did and gotten into that fender bender with Dean Calkins; therefore, she might not have had to run into him again the night he shot and killed Mike.

We all reap what we sow.

Maybe losing her husband, was in someway, although inadvertently, her fault on some level.

It was a pattern, you see. And in the pattern, we exist and find our places wherein the patterns grow and form new patterns, but one thing remains the same. There is always one constant.

No matter where life takes us, and no matter what we do to influence where it leads, we always have the past to look back upon. The one thing in our lives we can never change, never influence.

It's done, it's gone, it's over with.

But we hold onto it. We hold onto it on the darkest nights, clinging to it with every fiber of our being.

And, at night during the Christmas season, while Caroline clung to a glimpse of the past, she also clung on to the pillow on Mike's side of the bed in which she'd rubbed some of his cologne on.

After all, a snowflake to the world is as a single life to the universe. A snowflake has different patterns, just like a life. All depending on what happens to it when it's created and what happens to it afterward, as it makes its descent from the clouds.

And we all do what we can, day by day, to continue...