A Unique and Torn Romance

I turn the ignition again, and again the engine sounds like it’s coughing.

“Come on! Just start!” I yell and slam my hand repeatedly on the steering wheel.
I turn the ignition again – and get the same result.
“Come ooon! Just start for me? Please? I’ll drive you to the shop before school so you can get a nice, long check-up, if you’d please just start!” I turn the ignition for the third time, and sure enough: Third time is NOT the charm – at least not in my life.

Now one might ask ‘You’re a unicorn, so why don’t you just fly?’
And to that my mom’s ever-so-lovely answer is ‘Apparently you haven’t inherited that gene.’
And my comment to that is ‘Of course not. My name is Mikey Way, after all!’
My! Life! Sucks!

I get out of the car and slam the door shut – putting all of my strength into slamming it good and hard. Even though I’m skinny and got absolute no muscle mass, the car door breaks. Of course. One of the hinges breaks and the car door dangles off of the car and scrapes against the pavement of our driveway.

I close my eyes and steady my breathing as I try not to get an aneurism. Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts.

And no; rainbows and sunny meadows are not happy thoughts to me, just because I’m a unicorn.
My happy thoughts; sex. Big surprise, right?
Mrs. Williams’ big boobs. Mrs. Williams’ big boobs. Why does she have to be married? I bet her husband prematurely ejaculates every night, just from the sight of her. I bet I’d be able to hold my load long enough to bang her brains out. I’d fucking reinvent the concept of multiple orgasms.

“Mikey!” My happy thoughts are broken by my mom’s yell. I look up and see my mom walking down the concrete staircase.
“You haven’t left yet?” I roll my eyes and look up into the sky. Dear god, why did you take my mom’s brain?
“I could see you were having trouble with the car, so I wrote a note for you.” When I look down she’s standing in front of me – note in one hand, bike in the other. I take the note.
“You better hurry if you want to make it to school before second period is over.” With those words, she hops onto her bike and drives off.

I get my bag off of the ground, kick the car one last time before I stamp off. I walk into the woods that surround my house and covers the hill. The road is safer, but the woods are shorter. There are a few steep hills, but I’ve met them all before, so I know where they are.

I once met Ray out here. He was scaring off a few birds and rabbits. He tried to convince me that he’d just scared off a huge, fuck-ass bear, but yeah… He’s Ray. He might be a werewolf, but come on!
Even Gerard has told his fair share of lies. He once said he’d just sucked the blood of the Abominable Snowman who lived up on top of the hill. That’s more of a joke than a lie. I mean, come on! The Abominable Snowman? He lives just two streets down from the mall.

Suddenly I lose my footing and fall. I roll down the steep hill – meeting a few rock and logs of wood on my way.

I finally stop by rolling into a huge, fuck-ass tree. One thought goes through my mind: Ouch!

I slowly stand up and brush my clothes off. I look around and notice I’m just a few feet from the road – the road that leads straight to the school. At least I got down the hill faster.
I snigger slightly, before I suddenly feel a chill against my horn.

Shit! My hat!

I look around me – turning in circles like a freaking moron – before I look up the hill and see that it’s lying a few feet up the steep hill.

Great. Just fucking great! My life in a nutshell! What the fuck did I ever do to be tortured like this?
Why can’t I just live my life and not be bothered? I promise to be a good unicorn-boy and do what people ask me, if shit will just stop happening to me!