Our Disappointed Hearts

I smiled as I drove away, the smile matched this gracious, and happy feeling in my heart- a feeling of weightlessness that I couldn’t seem to escape. Maybe this was what it was like to be high? Not having a worry in the world; to just be happy? I had no idea, but I liked it, and I giggled to myself while Zepplin settled back in her seat, and once again her defensive tone pierced into me, only, this time it didn’t hurt or sting at all, it actually made me smile more because I knew it would happen.

But why in God’s name was I so happy?
So what if she gave in, what’s so great about that? She still hates my guts, and probably only wants to do it for selfish reasons- like protecting the drugs that influenced her that night- or out of fear?
It didn’t matter, she would be safe and warm and I wouldn’t have to toss and turn worrying about her tonight.

-

I led Zepplin through the dark house in silence. She didn’t want a tour, or small talk, she probably just wanted a bed and a room to be alone in. I led her upstairs past my bedroom and to one of the guestrooms- my favorite of all,

It was a simple and handsome beige room with light blue curtains and a soft queen size bed with blue sheets. I figured she’d enjoy it more than the hard wood on benches that nasty old men have sat on that have been exposed to germs and bacteria galore.

“Uh, you can sleep here” I said, getting out of her way to let her in the room and getting out of the door, barely on the threshold. “The bathroom is just down the hall. You can take a shower or whatever, if you’d like.”

She completely ignored me. Just kind of nodded and set her stuff down, and turned away from me.

“Right, uh, there’s also spare toothbrushes in the drawer under the sink.”

I smirked to myself, almost, because she’d have a hard time deciding if her hygiene or her pride was more important. “I’m going to sleep. I just ask that you stay long enough for us to figure out a place for you to stay, alright?” I paused, bit my lip, and proceeded more delicately “I’m really sorry for whatever happened to you tonight…” I didn’t know what that may be, but I knew it was something terrible. “I wish I could do more.” I said it with earnestness, whether she cared for the thought or not.

Much to my dismay, she remained silent: without emotion or acknowledgement, and I knew that was my sign to leave- she needed to be alone. I turned away from the threshold and walked away without another word.

The door closed accordingly, just as I figured it would. She’d be shutting out the world tonight.

-

Sleep refused me as I lay in my bed, silent and without peace, despite my previous exhausted state. My body ached, the wounds I had inflicted upon myself hours before stinging, and my mind was tumultuous with thoughts of the nights happenings.

I felt so stupid and selfish. Who was I to cut my skin to the point of unconsciousness? My life was nothing compared to this girls…everything seemed to be going absolutely wrong for her. So who was I? A selfish teenage girl. No wonder she hated me..

With this in mind, I pondered what was to come of Zepplin…why she was so distant, and what had happened to her, and I realized I wanted to do everything I could to help her, and to make her happy. She had emotions somewhere. I could see them under her silence and her violent attitude. She was in pain, immensely so, but she was too proud and externally strong to let it show.

She made me worry in a way I had never worried before in my life- she made me desperate to help, but she was impossible… Frustratingly so.

Sleep deprived and restless, I could think of nothing but her.

Beauty was evident in her deeply carved features, though a life-time worth of pains and suffrage also illumed itself in her face, whether she tried to hide it or not. Regardless, her beauty was captivating, despite that I had seen only glimpses of her face in the moonlight- every time she was near me she turned away..

Seconds, minutes, and nearly hours passed before I realized that I could stand it no longer.. I needed to see her once more to ease my restlessness.

I crept out from under my warm sheets, my pajama pants and a small shirt now being my only source of warmth, and I treaded softly across my carpeted floor.

As I walked down the hallway my heart raced, and I doubted my actions as the door approached.

The door knob was cool under my finger tips, and I turned it silently, letting the door creep open without sound…and there she was.

She lay on her side, facing the door, and I could see her only in the moonlight that shone through the thin curtains on the windows. Her shirt and pants were strewn out on the floor and I reproached, slightly embarrassed, until I realized that the sheets covered her perfectly well.

Only her back and thin frame were exposed under a small white shirt. She was small and fragile looking, her clothes were just like her attitude, a cover of reality. She was weak, and fragile..

Despite her thin body, her curves were inviting and luscious, still, and I was embarrassed even more so. I had never lusted after anyone in my life- not genuinely, and further still, I had never lusted after a woman. I had never even thought that I would be so immensely attracted anyone, especially a female, yet here I was. Though, I was not surprised…
Her body was everything I wanted. She was everything I wanted..

But that wouldn’t happen, because she would not feel the same for me. I could hope only to help her on her way to living a better life than the shitty one she was leading now.

I crept back into my room and retrieved some clothes and forty dollars. I set the clothes- a few tee shirts- because I knew she would accept nothing more if she accepted those, on the dresser table, and slipped the forty dollars in her jeans pocket so she might find it after she left and would not be able to refuse it.

I crept back out of the room, taking one last glance at her, hoping to God that she’d still be there in the morning, and retreated into my bedroom, still more restless than before..

-

I woke around 8 a.m., disregarding school completely, to find that her room was empty, except for the shirts I had left, and she was gone.

No food had been taken, no note was left, and nothing was said.

She was just gone, and my heart was wrenching itself apart again.