Disasterpiece

I marched down the front steps venting in loud puffs of breath; my fists were clenched together painfully – I could feel my nails digging into my skin. That worthless piece of excrement was the biggest bastard I had ever had the displeasure of meeting; why did he have to buy my grave, out of all the graves in the world that he could’ve bought why mine? And why was he been such an asshole about it?!

“VJ wait up!” a voice I knew only too well called from behind me, I stopped in my tracks but didn’t turn around; instead waited for him to catch up and stand in front of me. His eyes bore into me, his lips pursed in a mixture of confusion and concern; he sighed. “Where are you going?” he finally got out, his voice low and resigned. I shifted my footing and shrugged.

“Home – away, I don’t know where do you think Corey?” I responded, standing here with Corey began to wash away the anger – suddenly it was all replaced with a harsh wash of depression. Reality had finally hit.

“You’re in the middle of nowhere, how do you plan to get anywhere?” he pointed out.

“I don’t know I’ll walk,” I replied, trying to step around him to begin my trek before he could decipher the devastation I was sure was about to explode from my features. He mimicked my step however, stopping me from going anywhere; he took my face in his hands holding it steady, I looked to the ground; I couldn’t face him.

“It will take you days to get anywhere, and what about the children of the corn?” he asked; usually I would’ve snorted and made some smart remark at this, but I couldn’t bring myself to think of a single thing let alone say it out loud.

“Corey please let me go,” I pleaded, my bunched hands began to shake slightly and my nose began to sting – a signal that the waterworks weren’t too far away. Corey let his hands drop, I heard something jingle a second later before metal was pushed against my right hand; I looked and saw his car keys.

“Go; just get out of here ok? And later you owe me an explanation,” Corey said, I looked up at him; a tear fell down my cheek. He frowned sadly, wiping it away.

“Thank you,” I mouthed, he nodded and stepped aside. I started towards his car, soon finding myself running. I latched onto the door handle, threw the door open and got in as quickly as possible – soon the studio was just dust in the rear-view mirror.

I knew home wasn’t my destination; my red eyes said too much for Josie. I knew nothing Uncle Frank could say would make me feel any better either – the only place I had left in the world to go was the place that had put me in the predicament. I turned off the car, staring through the drenched window screen; the heavens had opened up to my situation just after I hit the city limit. I sank into the car seat; everything inside hurt so much; never mind the tattoo on my back it felt like someone was tattooing from the inside and they wouldn’t stop until it had broken every layer of organ and skin.

I bent over, arms wrapped around my waist; I tasted the salty liquid as it spilled down my face. I shouldn’t be feeling this way, Joey was right I did have Corey and Griffin now; I had moved onto the next stage of my life – this shouldn’t matter at all! It shouldn’t…but it does, it matters so much that no words could possibly begin to explain it.

I stumbled out of the car, my feet sloshing in the puddles built up in the gutter. I walked in an uneven line towards the empty spot; swayed – fell against the willow and slid down; my back burnt against the rough bark. The wet grass that filled my ex-space sparkled in the dimming sunlight; why was it so special here? What was it about this spot that made me feel safer than any hug or blanket ever could? I leant my head against the trunk, trying my best to contain the hysterical sobs falling from my lips. I closed my eyes.

She put her shopping bags filled with groceries on the first step, ruffling through her handbag momentarily she drew out a red elastic. Running her fingers quickly through her hair she pulled it back neatly into a pony tail – the elastic securing it in place; he didn’t like her hair all over her face. Picking up the shopping bags once more she walked up the last few steps and juggled them in her hands as she unlocked the front door. She walked briskly into the kitchen, placed the bags on the bench and began to unpack; he would be angry if they weren’t put away straight away.

She finished, feeling momentarily accomplished; a feeling that she hadn’t felt the full impact of for years. She went over to the sink and washed her hands, she caught her reflection in the oven window; even now she couldn’t help but cringe. Her hair had long forgotten the taste of dye, her outfit consisted of items she would never willingly pick off the rack, her shoes were a size to small and cramped her toes at the top; but she did it for him, she loved him and he wanted her this way – the person in the reflection was his not hers.

She turned the tap off, wiping her hands on the tea towel before turning the kettle on. She glanced at the list on the fridge, his messy scrawl had once been unreadable to her; but now she knew it too well as if it were her own. Tonight, apparently, she was to order Chinese food to arrive at exactly six pm; lemon chicken and BBQ shrimp. She hoped he would actually turn up on time tonight; he never gave her much spare money so unless he was here to pay she could not pay the delivery guy. He did call when he was going to be late usually; just after he was already running late.

She made herself a cup of tea, with one sugar just to spoil herself; and headed out into the hallway with the intention of settling down to read the Des Moines Register. Her left hand balanced the hot cup as her right hand reached out for the bedroom door handle, pushing the door open wide she took a step inside and stopped; the scolding liquid splashed onto her bare skin as the cup gravitated to the floor. Her mouth fell open, speechless; her eyes widened at the site before her. He sat on the edge of their bed in his boxers, his chest drenched in sweat; he licked his lips and looked up at her as if daring her to question the scene.

She watched the other one hop around the room giggling as she pulled on her pants. Her chest caved in, she tried to suck in air but there was no oxygen, there was nothing; nothing existed anymore. She began to choke, her airways clogged up with the thick sludge of deceit. He got off the bed and walked over to the cupboard, opening it he pulled out a ragged duffle bag and threw it across the room – it landed at her feet. She stared at it, not understanding – not comprehending. He rolled his eyes; the other one laughed.

“It’s not working out, I packed your stuff for you,” he said monotonously; not a breath of care wavered in his voice. She opened and closed her mouth; panic rose up inside her. What was she to do now? Where was she to go? Her whole adult life until this point had been with him, she didn’t exist without him!

“Why?” she cried out weakly; he sighed in frustration, storming his way across the room.

“You bore me, now get out of my house,” he said sternly, she stumbled backwards a few paces; her knees weak. He picked up the duffel again and threw it at her; she managed to clumsily grasp it before it hit the carpet. She watched the other one come up behind him, hands slunk their way over his shoulder and began rubbing his chest; mouth nipping at his shoulder playfully. She felt sick; spinning on the ball of her foot she ran from the house; tripping down the steps she steadied herself and bolted down the street.

She kept running, she didn’t want the reality to catch up with her; she couldn’t be slapped in the face again – it felt red raw already. People watched in concern, some in amusement, as she went; her balance not unlike a drunk who’d spent the last eight hours in the pub.

She ran.

She fled.

She ran with no conscious direction.

She ran until she couldn’t any more.

She collapsed face first weakly on the kerbside grass, finally the tears came; they came without mercy; the came with the believed knowledge that it would be the last chance they had to exist. Her fingers wrapped around the green blades, pulling at the roots; conveying the agony inside. She rolled onto her side; realising for the first time where she had brought herself. She stared at the familiar house, the willow. She wailed loudly, she had given everything up for him; the most important person in her life had left her because of him.

And she had let it happen.

A black haze swarm around her sight, hypnotising her; she felt light headed. Then her eyes fell on it, the space; the rejected gap between the aging stone hers eyes had stared at so many times previous. She pushed herself up shakily, the picture sharpened. There it was – he could take away her dignity, he could take away her life but in death no one could touch her.

I jolted awake, surprised to find myself surrounded by darkness; sleep had evidently taken hold. I looked around quickly, but there was no life in sight; my eyes fell on the grave in front. The ache I had felt before was void now; it was replaced with something; something stronger than any misery that had plagued me in any lifetime. I had what I didn’t have before; I had the most important person back in my life again, even if he went on tour I knew he would always come back. I had reclaimed my freedom; I had built myself a life now – I didn’t rely on him.

He couldn’t touch me now.

I knew was strong enough to fight back; I had backup that I knew would fight til death for me. No matter if he walked right through those cemetery gates right now and proposed; no matter if he walked through those gates right now and commanded me to do something. I could say no now, there was nothing left between us; I didn’t even hate him – he just didn’t exist; he wasn’t worth a thought.

I got on the hands and knees and crawled forward, running my hands over the smooth patch of grass I had once clung to so dearly. I finally understood why this spot had never been filled before – because it had so much more to do than harbour a skeleton.

“Thank you for helping me, but someone else needs you now,” I whispered. Getting to my feet I made my way to Corey’s car; a new fire burnt inside.