Disasterpiece

Talking to Griffin yesterday and seeing his excited little face reminded me that I promised to bring him back some gifts from the tour. Waking up to an empty hotel room meant I was safe to assume that Josie was with Sid and planning on spending the day with him, and that I could hit the shops in peace and quiet. I rugged up as the weather was starting to turn a bit nippy and headed down to the taxi rank where a driver was kind enough to take me to a shopping mall.

The mall was decently sized and from what I saw as I glanced at a directory when I entered, there was a good variety of shops available. My first stop came almost immediately when I passed a stall selling oversized chocolate and candy. I imagined with a smile the delirious look that would plague Griffin if he was here. I loaded up with a metre long tolberone and a mixed assortment of sweets before continuing my shopping adventure.

As it was early there weren’t too many people around, mostly seniors meeting up with their friends for coffee, buying trinkets for the grandchildren and doing the weekly grocery shopping. I was able to stroll at a leisurely pace in and out of shops just because I could and I had nothing better to do. My strolling had currently brought me to the toy section of a department store, where I was standing in an isle considering which stuffed lion Griffin would like best.

“I might lose my job for recommending the cheaper one, but if you’re buying for a boy I’d get the smaller one so when he’s at college he can still have it with him and be able to hide it from his friends,” a cheery voice snuck up on me. I jumped a little in surprise as I looked beside me to find a pretty good looking guy wearing the department store uniform and smiling at me. “Hi I’m Josh,” he greeted with a massive smile, extending out his hand.

“Um…Vixen,” I replied cautiously back, taking his hand for a brief shake.

“I didn’t mean to butt in or anything, but you looked like choosing was becoming a big decision,” he apologised, though he was still smiling. I adjusted my handbag on my shoulder and shrugged nonchalantly.

“That’s ok, knowing me I’d probably end up walking out of here with nothing due to indecision,” I joked lightly back. He reached out and picked up one of the smaller lions, hugging it to his face.

“See this one is perfect, I have one just like it at home,” he said.

“Did you take it to college with you?” I asked jokingly, a smile creeping up on my lips. He laughed and nodded.

“It’s the perfect size for hiding in small places,” he responded with a wink.

“Well I’m sold,” I stated, reaching out I picked up another one from the shelf. “Thanks so much,” I added to him.

“Hey no problem,” he replied. I started towards the check out when his voice interrupted me again.

“Hey wait!” he said after me. I turned and cocked my head in question. “I hope this isn’t too forward or anything, but do you want to go get a coffee later?” he asked. I wasn’t quick enough to stop my eyes from almost popping out of my head as my heart began to race. I was completely unaccustomed to random date proposals, in fact guys showing any interest was foreign to me – look how long it took me to get comfortable with Joey.

Joey, I sighed.

All of that was still so recent, while a simple coffee with this guy didn’t mean anything more had to happen, I still felt bad knowing that my heart wouldn’t be in it or have any desire to be more in it in the future. My emotions were still very much pining for Joey, even though they knew their yearnings would never be fulfilled. I sighed again.

“Thanks for the offer but I’ve…I’m already with someone,” I lied apologetically. He brushed it off.

“Hey no worries, thought I’d take shot,” he joked before waving and walking away. I felt downtrodden as I paid for the lion and continued my shopping trek. It wasn’t as exciting as it was before though, my mind now clouded by past hopes of romance and the knowledge of their eternal limbo. I found myself walking past shops without paying any attention to what they were, at least until I noticed a music shop. The heavy music coming from inside attracted my attention and drew me in. I walked over to the CD stands and started to browse, taking in multitudes of names and faces that I had never heard of.

As it so happens my fingers slunk over some familiar looking CD cases, cases I had only bought myself this year. I picked up one and stared down at the masked faces, smiling internally to myself. It made me feel special to be able to play a small part in the role of Slipknot, even if it was just selling merch for them…I knew I was part of something so big and unexplainable that it changed people without them even knowing how. I put the case back in the slot and noticed a little tag hanging under their section – a hand written note from the store manager.

Pre-order Slipknot’s new album All Hope is Gone here today! And while you’re waiting check out some of their side projects including Stone Sour (Corey Taylor/James Root) and Murderdolls (Joey Jordison)

I vaguely remembered both Joey and Corey talking about their side projects at different times, but I’d never really paid much heed to them. Shuffling to the side I traced my fingers over the spines of cases until I found Stone Sour, picking up the CD I examined it for a moment, a little surprised that Corey didn’t have his big mug on the cover. I skimmed over the song names and decided to add a little more ‘Corey education’ to my knowledge bank, placing the cd under my arm so I could buy it later. I shuffled over again and searched for Murderdolls, I wasn’t exactly sure why I was preparing to draw myself more into Joey’s world when he so evidently want me in it – but I was genuinely curious to see what could branch out from Slipknot.

When I finally found it I was a little taken aback by the cover, not in a bad way – just that I wouldn’t have thought Joey would delve into the glam goth sort of look, but then the whole vibe of the artwork screamed B-Movie horror, which made me think back to all the posters on the wall of his den. I turned it over and read some of the song names, chuckling to myself at their tongue in cheek play on pop culture. I paused mid-movement as I went to put the cd instinctively back in its place. Would it be wrong if I bought it? Even if Joey wasn’t in the band I would probably buy it out of interest…but we was in the band, so did buying it make me seem desperate, like I was trying to cling onto him?

I bit my lip and looked at the cover again, it would only benefit Joey’s pocket if I bought it, which I wasn’t against as he had spent a lot more money on me; and I could simply hide it at the bottom of my suitcase so nobody would see it and assume I’m mad for him. I sighed and hurriedly pulled the Stone Sour album from under my arm, placing it on top of the Murderdolls album so I could buy them both. I turned towards the cashier and bumped straight into someone.

“Sor-” I began looking up, but I was cut off mid word by a sudden lump in my throat. Before me stood Joey, looking just as shocked as I imagined I did. He gathered himself quicker than I could though and briskly hid whatever he was carrying behind his back. I then realised, with a burning face, that I was holding his album, I did my best to turn my hand inconspicuously on an angle so the only CD he’d see was Stone Sour. I looked to the ground, avoiding eye contact; I was completely incapable of working out what to do. Running away was ridiculous, ignoring him seemed petty and talking felt impossible; though even if it was possible I didn’t think any words would be suitable for such a situation. I frowned and shuffled on the spot, god knows how weird our lengthy, silent encounter must look to other people.

I tried my best to at least acknowledge him before turning away, but nothing came out – not even a little squeak to show I was trying. I drew in a deep breath and turned away any way, I felt my eyes starting to sting at my own stupidity. I was a few steps away when he called after me.

“I don’t hate you,” he blurted out. I froze, little pin pricks running up and down my spine. “I just…I wanted you to know that,” he mumbled, trying to piece together an explanation not just for me, but for himself. I slowly built up the confidence to spin and face him; he was watching me with a face full of contorted anxiety and sorrow. I was overwhelmed with the feeling of being extremely sorry for him; I wasn’t sure why…my gut just told me there was more going on, more than I could began to fathom to understand. I bit my lip and offered him the best smile I could, it came out more like a sympathetic twitch of my lip corner.

“I don’t hate you either,” I said quietly, his face relaxed a little with relief, but it was still plagued with that same depression.

“I’m glad,” he replied, but the meaning of his words didn’t reach his eyes. He paused for a moment as if on the verge of saying something else, but he quickly changed his mind. “I’ll see you around,” he added shortly, he spun and stalked away – trying to escape his urges to say or do something more.

I watched him disappear into the distance, his shoulders hunched over and his hair swinging around behind him, and wondered what really went through his mind; what demons played in his depths. As I paid for the CDs and made my journey back to the hotel I pondered my own feelings, I felt like that was his attempt at an apology and it should’ve made me feel better, happier. But it didn’t, if anything it made me feel worse, not because I was begrudging our lack of relationship, but because it made me concerned for him. I felt for sure he was up to something that was set to devastate his own self more than he could devastate me, I just didn’t know what.

But I was soon to find out.