Disasterpiece

I vaguely remember, while drifting in and out of consciousness, being carried up to the hotel room by Corey and put on my bed. After that I must’ve fallen asleep from utter exhaustion as I woke up to morning sunlight coming through the window. I squinted a few times, adjusting to the light; I felt numb, once my eyes were able to stay open I just stared blankly at the wall, nothing going through my head. I had no idea what to do or where to start or even how to feel. I knew great washes of depression were the only suitable option, but what should I mourn first? There was so much wrong now, I didn’t even know if I could recover.

I brought my legs up to my chest, wrapping my arms tightly around them. What was I to do now without my Uncle, without the one constant pillar in my life who had been pretty much a father to me? It seemed impossible that the world could still turn without his beam, without his laugh…I would never get pulled into a big sweaty hug again.

Fresh tears brimmed at the corner of my eyes. How could I cope with all of this at once?

I heard some light shuffling coming from the other side of the room, most of me couldn’t be bothered turning over to find out who it was, but that little spark inside mustered all the energy I had and flipped my body over. I found Josie tip toeing around, placing things into our suitcases; obviously trying not to wake me up.

“Josie?” I asked, my voice husky and weak. She jumped, surprised and looked over at me.

“Oh I’m sorry did I wake you?” she apologised, her face full of sympathy. I shook my head and pushed myself up into a sitting position. Josie walked over, sat on my bed and rested her hand on top of mine. “How are you feeling?” she asked; now she was closer I could see that her eyes were puffy and tired looking, she was close to Uncle Frank too so I knew this must’ve hit her hard.

“I don’t know,” I answered slowly and honestly, she squeezed my hand and frowned.

“I’m so sorry, I can’t believe this happened,” she whispered, I frowned back, swallowing a lump in my throat.

“Me either,” I replied hoarsely, looking down. She scooted closer to me, resting both her hands on mine.

“I know you’re not ready for this,” she started cautiously. “But we’ve got to go back home, Corey booked us a flight out today.” I looked up at her not comprehending what she meant; with the state of my mind I wasn’t able to click with her reasoning. She must’ve recognised my empty look as she frowned even deeper and squeezed my hands.

“Vix…we’ve got to…we’ve got to go say a proper good bye,” she worded as carefully as she could. I suddenly realised what she meant, and with the hit of reality my eyes started to sting.

“I can’t do it,” I breathed out. Josie’s eye welled up too as she drew me into a hug.

“Don’t worry I’ll be there for you, we’ll get through this together I promise,” she cooed. It didn’t make me feel any better, all I could picture was me standing alone in a church staring up at a coffin on the alter, the world outside was black…to me it felt like the only thing in existence was me and that coffin. I cried into Josie’s shoulder.

Saying good bye to Corey only added to my distress, I wanted so bad for him to be there by my side when I said goodbye, but there was no way he could as they needed a singer or they’d have to cancel shows. I knew that wasn’t even close to an option but it absolutely broke my heart to hug him goodbye at the airport, he was the only one of the guys to say goodbye to us as the rest had interview and pre-show commitments, so we didn’t even see them before we left.

“Call me whenever you need, I don’t care what time it is over here,” he whispered into my ear as we held each other tight. I nodded into his flannel shirt, squeezing him as hard as I could before I let go. He looked down at me sweetly, brushing his thumb over my cheek.

“I wish I could come with you,” he said sadly, having grown up with Uncle Frank too he was devastated by the loss.

“I know,” I replied quietly.

“Say good bye for me won’t you?” he asked.

“I will,” I said. We had one last hug before Josie and I boarded the plane, waving a solemn good bye to Corey as we went; for me I wasn’t even sure when I would see him again, making it all that more tragic.

Des Moines was settling into an early winter, a brittle cold wind whipped its way inside the airport every time a door opened. It felt like snow wasn’t too far away. Josie and I collected our bags, making our way out towards the car park; I was assuming we were heading for the taxi rank, but it seemed Josie had made other plans.

“Vixen!” a familiar male voice came loudly. I stopped and turned in the direction it came from to find Brandon jogging up to us, waving. I let go of my baggage to allow him to draw me into a big hug, which I reciprocated. It was a bitter sweet moment, on one hand it was comforting to see a familiar face, one that I knew had been close to Uncle Frank and helped him out...but on the other, it was just that. He had been closer to Uncle Frank in his last few weeks than I had been; it was something that I knew I would regret for life.

“How was your flight?” Brandon asked as he stepped back and picked up my bags, I went to grab them off him but he shooed my hands away.

“Long and tiring, I just want to sleep,” Josie replied as we started on our way to the car park. I suddenly realised that without any other relatives, Brandon must’ve been the one who had called and told Josie about Uncle Frank. I glanced sadly up at him, he was smiling but I could tell it was an act for our sakes, his face didn’t hold the same vibrancy it usually did.

“Well I’ll get you two ho-” Brandon started.

“How did he die?” I interrupted, my feet planting themselves onto the ground. Josie and Brandon looked at each other cautiously, weighing up whether or not they should share their knowledge. Josie stepped forward, putting her hand on my shoulder.

“Maybe now’s not the time – not here,” she said softly, looking around at the airport patrons who were having to manoeuvre their way around us. I shook my head and stared resolutely at her – I had to know and I wanted to know now. Josie sighed deeply, looking over at Brandon for help. He joined her next to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders.

“It was quick, he didn’t suffer...he had a stroke,” Brandon explained slowly, rubbing his thumb up and down soothingly on my shoulder. I swallowed, looking up at him.

“That’s it?” I questioned weakly...it seemed so simple, too simple...too simple for a man like him; he was a warrior that battled against all odds. I couldn’t fathom one thing bringing him down. Again Josie and Brandon eyed each other wearily. “Tell me,” I said seriously, they both sighed simultaneously.

“Well...he was a bit sick beforehand, and acting strange...but that stroke was so sudden that there’s no way it was connected,” Brandon answered. I looked to the ground, avoiding eye contact with both of them; in my heart I knew that it was. If nothing else the last phone call I had with him should’ve been some indication... ‘Just remember that I love you and support you and will always be here for you even if you think that I’m not.’ He knew something was going to happen.

I let the other two lead me out of the airport as I got lost in my thoughts. I wondered if had I been at home where I was meant to, if he would’ve died at all? Would I have been able to notice the signs of sickness and saved him from impending death? And if I could’ve does that mean I’m responsible for his death, that because I chose to chase a rock star, I in turn took the life of my Uncle? He was the one who told me to come back home as soon as I got hurt, but I hadn’t, I had stayed there instead...maybe if I had come home this wouldn’t of happened. Maybe this is all just a big flashing sign indicating how wrong Joey and I are for each other.

The drive home was quiet, a radio station buzzed away in the background as Josie and Brandon attempted intervals of benign conversation. I sat in the back staring out the window, watching the frosted colours of Des Moines fly by. It was eerie arriving back home, a home that had been empty for weeks. We lugged our bags up onto the porch and waited, jittery in the cold, as Josie fumbled with her keys and unlocked the door. The house had started to develop a slight musty odour, with dust settling itself happily on almost every surface. Josie flicked the light on and we all quickly made our way inside, closing the front door behind us. Brandon rubbed his hands together for warmth, shifting awkwardly in the door way.

“Well I’m glad your home safe,” he said.

“Thank you for picking us up, we really appreciate it,” Josie thanked him with a weak grin.

“It’s not a problem...um...I’ll be back tomorrow anyway as there are some things that need to be sorted out,” he carefully worded, I could tell he was trying to get a message to Josie without upsetting me, but I knew what he meant. A proper good bye was still yet to be had.

“Oh yeah...we’ll see you tomorrow then,” Josie replied, opening the door again for him.

“Bye,” he waved, stepping out onto the porch.

“Bye,” I whispered back as the door closed. Josie turned the lock then looked at me.

“Are you ok?” she asked, worry lining her face. I shrugged, picking my bags up from the floor.

“I guess, I’m going to get some sleep,” I told her. She nodded as I turned, making my way into my bedroom. I flicked the light on, threw my bags on the floor and closed the door. Tomorrow seemed too close, like it was already closing in on me. I knew that any discussions that would take place then would make everything seem that much more real; that it would bring the reality of Uncle Frank’s death crashing down.

I couldn’t think about it.

Deciding that a numb sleep was the best option, I unzipped my bag in search of some pyjamas; instead I found a group of colourfully wrapped packages – my birthday presents, Josie must’ve packed them. I bit my lip and picked up the closest one, it was a small box with a little tag on top. I turned it on its side and read the tag.

To VJ
Happy birthday
Love Joey xo

It felt like an electric shock had been sent through my body, I had the urge to suddenly throw it across the room and break whatever was inside against a wall. I resisted though. Instead I stood up calmly, walked over to my closest and pushed it as far back on the highest shelf that I could – condemning it to a life hidden in darkness. It wouldn’t do me any good to know what was inside anyway.