Disasterpiece

I reclined on the couch, taking a large swig from my glass of wine. Josie had managed to find an available flight pretty quickly and was currently up in the air flying over to her lover’s side. So here I was sitting alone in the lounge room, watching crappy romance films and drinking wine. It was the first time I’d really been alone since getting back to Des Moines, the only other time had been the brief moment between picking up Corey’s mail and going to the bar; either Brandon or Josie had always made sure they were around otherwise.

I was kind of thankful for that now, it was eerie being alone. Even with the television blaring and all the lights on, it felt scarily claustrophobic – like the feeling you get when you’re playing hide-and-go-seek in the dark and you hide in the corner of a closet, all bunched up in a ball; on one hand your full of anticipation and nerves at being found out and on the other you’re very aware of how alone you actually are. And I was extremely aware of my uncomfortable seclusion.

I flicked the television off, stood up and started pacing aimlessly around the house. Into the kitchen, back out to the lounge room, into Josie’s room, across to my room, then back out into the lounge room. I kept this up for a good five minutes until I realised how restless I actually was. Whether it was because I hadn’t been alone yet and was scared of falling into a world of thought which would undeniably lead to depression over Uncle Frank and Joey…or just because I had grown so accustom to being around people that to not have any one here was unnerving, I wasn’t sure. But I was sure that I wanted to fix it as I didn’t like either of those conclusions.

Tracing back into my room, I grabbed my phone from the dresser and dialled Brandon’s number.

“Hello gorgeous lady, how are you?” he answered almost instantly.

“Hey, hey…I’m good-ish, what are you up too?” I asked, sitting on my bed.

“Just helping chef close the kitchen then I think I’ll head home and leave Harriet to close up,” he replied.

“Ah ok…do you by any chance want to come over here instead of going home?” I suggested slyly, biting my lip; he just laughed.

“Don’t like being alone?” he chuckled knowingly, I smiled into the phone.

“Something like that,” I conceded meekly.

“Ok give me about half an hour and I’ll be there,” he said.

“Awesome, thank you so much,” I gushed, overwhelmed by his generosity to help me out all the time.

“You don’t need to thank me! I would be over there if I had the choice any way,” he laughed. We said good bye and I hung up the phone, placing it on my bedside table. I lay down on my bed, resting my head on my hands. I suddenly felt a lot calmer knowing someone else would be here soon.

It felt like no time before he arrived, ringing the doorbell. Jumping to my feet and shaking off the sleep which had begun to take me, I jogged to the front door. I pulled it open and Brandon stepped inside quickly, shaking some snow off his jacket.

“Is it snowing?” I asked, closing the door.

“Just a little…it’s getting freaking cold outside but,” he nodded, his teeth chattering a little. I took his jacket from him, hanging it up and led him out into the kitchen where I put the kettle on.

“Hot chocolate?” I asked.

“Sounds spectacular,” he replied, resting casually against the kitchen bench beside me. “So did Josie get her flight alright?” he asked; I had called him while Josie was packing her bags to let him know the situation.

“Yeah no problems, she was so jumpy though; it was funny,” I replied with a chuckle. The kettle clicked off and I poured Brandon and I a mug each, handing his carefully over.

“Can we go sit in your room so I can wrap myself in your blanket?” he asked, obviously enjoying the warmth of the mug in his hands.

“No worries,” I grinned, flicking off all the lights as we walked to the room so I didn’t have to get up again. We sat on the bed together, pulling the blanket up to our chests. I turned the small television I had in my room on, handing the remote to Brandon.

“Guests’ choice,” I told him. He put his mug down and used the remote to turn the television off again. I cocked my brow at him in question.

“I’d rather just put some music on if that’s ok?” he asked, I shrugged my shoulders nonchalantly and nodded, it really didn’t bother me either way. Brandon got off the bed and bent down next to my bedside table where I had a pile of CD’s.

“Do you have a preference?” he asked, I shook my head. He started sifting through the covers slowly, stopping every now and then to read the song list or take a deeper look at the artwork. I knew he had pretty much the same taste in music as me, but I wasn’t sure what type he felt like playing. He got to the bottom of the pile and held up a CD that made my stomach drop.

“Why is it still in plastic?” he laughed. My face burnt as I struggled to answer him, all I could see was Joey’s face on the front. When I had unpacked my suitcases I found the Stone Sour and Murderdolls CD’s I bought overseas, of course I was still all up for listening to Stone Sour…but there was no way, after everything that happened at the party, that I could listen to Murderdolls now. So I had stashed the CD below all the other ones, hoping not to see it for a while.

“I just never got around to opening it,” I managed to lie. Brandon laughed at me again, but instead of putting the CD back under the pile he left it propped up on the bedside table – like he was leaving it ‘kindly’ out for me to remember to open; if only he knew. Returning to the pile, he picked up a Metallica CD, stood up and popped it into my sound system, lowering the volume so it was just audible. He came back over, resuming his position next to me.

I rested my head on his shoulder as we drank our hot chocolates silently. I don’t know why I’d never told Brandon about Joey…or at least some of the basic details. Not that we’d been going out for long or anything, but I knew he must’ve wondered why I was so disconnected (besides with Corey) with a band I had just been on the road with and befriended. Or maybe he didn’t take any notice and was just happy that we were together and I was back in Des Moines.

“Hey Vix?” Brandon whispered; I looked up at him expectantly.

“Do you really like me?” he asked. I sat up straight, still looking at him as I searched his face. His eyes were wide and filled with honesty, he didn’t look sad or depressed, just a little reserved like he was preparing for something. I wondered briefly where the question had come from, there were no actions on my part (that I could think of) that would lead him to believe otherwise; I assumed he must’ve been feeling insecure in himself.

“Of course I like you,” I replied quietly with a smile. He looked relieved, but still looked a little apprehensive as he took the mug from my hands and put it down on the floor with his. I watched curiously as he turned back to me, shuffling closer.

He raised both his hands to my face, placing one on each cheek – they were warm still from the mug. Leaning forward slowly, he closed his eyes, placing his lips heavily against mine. I fought the sudden urge to resist and instead fell into the kiss, reciprocating as heavily as he was.

The air around us seemed to develop into a thick, hot smog. Brandon pushed his body forward against mine, taking his hands from my face he propped himself up, guiding my back onto the bed. His kisses started to get harder; I reached up, tangling my fingers through his hair as I opened my mouth just slightly for him to enter.

He groaned against me as the heat continued to build up, I felt his jeans getting tighter on my leg as his breathing deepened. Suddenly he pulled back, puffing and staring down at me.

“If this is too soon just let me know ok?” he said, I nodded in reply but he seemed to want a verbal answer to assure him.

“It’s ok,” I whispered. A smiled touched his lips as he dove forward once more, continuing where he left off. But now I thought of it, the heat seemed to dissolve for me; a cold tingling feeling replacing it instead. Was I actually ready for this? The last time I’d done it had been with Michael, and that was nothing to fantasise. But the niggling feeling deep inside said it was more than that.

Brandon began to unbutton his jeans, tossing them aside to the floor without even breaking the kiss. My heart rate increased as I felt his hands wander to my chest, tugging at the hem of my shirt. Oh God…if I broke it off now would it be too late? Would it hurt his feelings and make him feel like I didn’t like him? I knew that it would, so as much as my insides churned and yearned for a halt, I couldn’t bring myself to do it, I couldn’t’ bring myself to hurt him after he’d done so much for me. I’d put up with me for a lot less before. I continued to kiss him as piece by piece he removed all of our clothes.

And finally he stopped the kissing, but only so he could adjust himself over me. I bit my lip, holding back the stinging of my nose which I knew signified tears, as he gently pushed himself into me. With all respect, he was trying his hardest to accommodate for me; but it didn’t make me feel any better. I turned my head to the side as he moved his hips up and down, groaning and kissing my neck as he went.

I wished I hadn’t turned my head – it only made it worse. Instead of the relief I sort, I was faced with the Murderdolls album – with Joey staring right at me. I’d always dreamt that he would be my next time, that he would wash all the memories of bad, selfish sex away and replace them with an amazing concoction of devotion and pleasure. But that was never to be now, he was with his ex and I was with Brandon. Brandon who was amazing to me; Brandon who I’d known for years but never thought about in this way before recently; Brandon who was on top of me putting to rest every last one of my Joey fantasies and dreams – the Joey who was staring right at me from the album cover.

It was too much.

“Brandon,” I cried. He stopped immediately mid-thrust, looking down at me with wide caring eyes. I looked up at him with tears brimming in mine. “I can’t,” I whispered desperately. Without question he pulled himself off me and sat on the edge of the bed, stroking my face as tears fell. I felt so ashamed.

“It’s ok, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you,” he apologised over and over again; making me cry harder.

“It’s not that,” I choked out, not wanting him to feel at fault in the slightest. Wishing I could take it all back so he didn’t have to hurt.

“What is it?” he whispered, honestly caring for my answer.

“I don’t know…” I started between sobs. “Maybe I’m just not ready,” I replied, looking away from him shamefully.

Saying it out loud made me realise that that wasn’t the reason, there was definitely something more. If I really, truly liked this guy I should’ve been able to do it, regardless of whether I still had feelings for Joey, I should’ve enjoyed it. I knew I had feelings for Brandon; he was so genuine that it was almost impossible not too…but maybe I didn’t have those kinds of feelings? Maybe I just saw him as a friend to confide in and just with everything that had happened; I let it slip into more without really thinking about it?

I felt beyond terrible.