Status: On hiatus. When it will be back, I don't know. If it will ever bet back, I don't know. For now, it's on a hiatus and in the back of my mind. Sorry. It has to be this way.
So Young and Desperate for Attention
Chapter 13
I didn’t want to look at him, it’d be too hard. I was hoping this would be easy to do but deep down I knew that this would be extremely hard. I wanted it to go smoothly. I wanted Brendon to take this in a good manner. I just wanted this to be easy. I didn’t want any tears. I didn’t want any pain.
“How have you guys been?” Jon finally asked breaking the silence.
“Okay,” Spencer said. He sounded hurt. So hurt. Why was he hurt though? I knew I had hurt him by leaving the band but it’s been nearly two months, he should be over that by now. They’ve found people to replace us, released a single, and have a tour planned. It seems like he’s gotten over it, so why does he sound hurt? I looked up at Brendon who had remained silent. Brendon was glaring down at the grass. He hates me now. I know he does. He won’t speak to either of us.
“Brendon?” Jon asked, once again, breaking the silence that had overcome the four of us.
“Sorry, what?” he asked clearly having not paid attention to Jon the first time. I looked back down going back to my action of playing with our entwined hands just as I had when we first got here a few minutes ago.
“You okay?”
“Nope,” he said with a sigh. Well he sure isn’t hiding anything today. I wanted to ask what was wrong with him, but I had a feeling I knew.
“What’s wrong?” Jon asked. I drew in a shaky breath of air preparing for the worst.
“Everything. First Keltie stole him from me and now you have. I can clearly see I’m not damn good enough for him. Well I’m sorry that my love was just a game and a fuck for you!” he said in an outburst. I knew it was an outburst, Brendon is so good at keeping himself under control. I’ve always envied that part of him. He’s always been able to act so calm and collected even when he wanted to cry or yell.
“Brendon!” I shouted when he ran off. I tried to get up but Jon held me down. “Let me up Jon!”
“No. Staying here is what is best for both of you,” Jon said calmly. How can he be so calm?! Brendon’s hurt and it’s all my fault! “Let him go.”
“I can’t… It’s hurting me Jon. He’s so hurt…”
“Brendon will get over it. If he’s truly your friend then he will learn to accept what he has seen,” Jon said softly. He wrapped his arms around me holding me against him tightly.
“Jon is right Ryan. You’ve moved on and Brendon has to accept that,” Spencer added in. I wrapped my arms tightly around Jon no longer being able to hold the tears back. I felt horribly guilty for what I had done to Brendon.
“Calm down Ryan,” Spencer said softly. Jon was rubbing my back gently but neither Spencer’s words nor Jon’s actions could calm me down. Spencer sighed softly. “I should go find Brendon before he gets too far.”
“I guess it is best. It was nice seeing you again Spencer… I just wish this had gone better than it did,” Jon said ending his sentence with a sigh. By this point my hysterical cries had dimmed down into just sniffling.
“Hey guys, Bren and I have the first show of our tour tomorrow… Come?”
“You want us to come?” Jon asked.
“Wouldn’t we just cause problems?” I whimpered.
“I don’t care if they don’t fucking like it. You’re both still our friends and we want you there supporting us.
So please come, it’d probably make Brendon happy to see you there supporting us,” Spencer said. I peeked out at him letting out a soft groan when I saw he was pouting at us. I buried my face back in Jon’s chest.
“If Ryan is feeling up to it by then, we’ll be there.”
“Call me by six okay? I don’t want to tell Brendon you’ll be there and have his hopes fall…”
“I promise I’ll call,” Jon said.
“Bye Jon. Bye Ry,” Spencer said softly. I didn’t bother looking up or saying goodbye to him.
“Can you get up Ryan?”
“I don’t want to. Let’s just stay here for awhile,” I said tightening my grip on him in fear of him leaving me. I didn’t want him letting go. I wanted him to stay here with me. I couldn’t be alone now.
“I want you to go to their concert and talk to Brendon…”
“We’ll cause a scene in front of the fans.”
“If it happens, it happens. You two were like best friends, you need to work this out with him. You two can’t stay not talking forever.”
“But Jon…”
“I don’t want to hear it,” Jon said pushing my away. He pushed my head up with one finger making me look at him. “I know you miss Brendon and I know it’s killing you that he reacted like that. Which is exactly why you two need to talk and work this out.”
“It won’t be easy…”
“I know, but not everything in life is easy. You know this Ry. You can’t avoid all of your problems, sometimes you just have to face them and this is something you have to face.”
“You’re right Jon. I just… I don’t want Brendon walking away from me for good,” I said the tears trying to return. Jon wiped the tears away pressing a soft kiss to my lips.
“You’ll be able to do this, I know you will,” Jon assured me giving me a small smile. I had to believe him. I had to do believe I could do this…. I had to do this. I didn’t want Brendon hating me.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“Hey Ry, you ready to go?” Jon asked coming into the room. I closed the notebook I had been writing lyrics in nodding at my boyfriend. “More lyrics?”
“Yeah. Just distracting myself I guess,” I shrugged. I wanted to see what Brendon and Spencer were doing with the band, but I was dreading the meet and greet I was getting drug to.
“It won’t be as bad as you think…”
“Yeah, because me going to go talk to my ex-boyfriend and former band mate about how I am over him and together with one of his closest friends is going to go great,” I said sarcastically. Jon sighed softly lacing his hand with mine.
“I’ll be here for you the entire time,” he murmured giving me a soft kiss.
“You better be,” I warned playfully. Jon laughed softly pulling me out of the room. I wasn’t ready for this. I so wasn’t. How could I face Brendon? I just… This would be impossible to do.
“You’re shaking. You’re scared,” Jon noted as he started the car. I snapped back into reality noticing how far we’d gotten while I had zoned out.
“You know why I’m scared,” I murmured.
“If he is truly your friend he will accept this,” Jon assured laying his hand on top of mine. That’s what I’m scared of.
“How have you guys been?” Jon finally asked breaking the silence.
“Okay,” Spencer said. He sounded hurt. So hurt. Why was he hurt though? I knew I had hurt him by leaving the band but it’s been nearly two months, he should be over that by now. They’ve found people to replace us, released a single, and have a tour planned. It seems like he’s gotten over it, so why does he sound hurt? I looked up at Brendon who had remained silent. Brendon was glaring down at the grass. He hates me now. I know he does. He won’t speak to either of us.
“Brendon?” Jon asked, once again, breaking the silence that had overcome the four of us.
“Sorry, what?” he asked clearly having not paid attention to Jon the first time. I looked back down going back to my action of playing with our entwined hands just as I had when we first got here a few minutes ago.
“You okay?”
“Nope,” he said with a sigh. Well he sure isn’t hiding anything today. I wanted to ask what was wrong with him, but I had a feeling I knew.
“What’s wrong?” Jon asked. I drew in a shaky breath of air preparing for the worst.
“Everything. First Keltie stole him from me and now you have. I can clearly see I’m not damn good enough for him. Well I’m sorry that my love was just a game and a fuck for you!” he said in an outburst. I knew it was an outburst, Brendon is so good at keeping himself under control. I’ve always envied that part of him. He’s always been able to act so calm and collected even when he wanted to cry or yell.
“Brendon!” I shouted when he ran off. I tried to get up but Jon held me down. “Let me up Jon!”
“No. Staying here is what is best for both of you,” Jon said calmly. How can he be so calm?! Brendon’s hurt and it’s all my fault! “Let him go.”
“I can’t… It’s hurting me Jon. He’s so hurt…”
“Brendon will get over it. If he’s truly your friend then he will learn to accept what he has seen,” Jon said softly. He wrapped his arms around me holding me against him tightly.
“Jon is right Ryan. You’ve moved on and Brendon has to accept that,” Spencer added in. I wrapped my arms tightly around Jon no longer being able to hold the tears back. I felt horribly guilty for what I had done to Brendon.
“Calm down Ryan,” Spencer said softly. Jon was rubbing my back gently but neither Spencer’s words nor Jon’s actions could calm me down. Spencer sighed softly. “I should go find Brendon before he gets too far.”
“I guess it is best. It was nice seeing you again Spencer… I just wish this had gone better than it did,” Jon said ending his sentence with a sigh. By this point my hysterical cries had dimmed down into just sniffling.
“Hey guys, Bren and I have the first show of our tour tomorrow… Come?”
“You want us to come?” Jon asked.
“Wouldn’t we just cause problems?” I whimpered.
“I don’t care if they don’t fucking like it. You’re both still our friends and we want you there supporting us.
So please come, it’d probably make Brendon happy to see you there supporting us,” Spencer said. I peeked out at him letting out a soft groan when I saw he was pouting at us. I buried my face back in Jon’s chest.
“If Ryan is feeling up to it by then, we’ll be there.”
“Call me by six okay? I don’t want to tell Brendon you’ll be there and have his hopes fall…”
“I promise I’ll call,” Jon said.
“Bye Jon. Bye Ry,” Spencer said softly. I didn’t bother looking up or saying goodbye to him.
“Can you get up Ryan?”
“I don’t want to. Let’s just stay here for awhile,” I said tightening my grip on him in fear of him leaving me. I didn’t want him letting go. I wanted him to stay here with me. I couldn’t be alone now.
“I want you to go to their concert and talk to Brendon…”
“We’ll cause a scene in front of the fans.”
“If it happens, it happens. You two were like best friends, you need to work this out with him. You two can’t stay not talking forever.”
“But Jon…”
“I don’t want to hear it,” Jon said pushing my away. He pushed my head up with one finger making me look at him. “I know you miss Brendon and I know it’s killing you that he reacted like that. Which is exactly why you two need to talk and work this out.”
“It won’t be easy…”
“I know, but not everything in life is easy. You know this Ry. You can’t avoid all of your problems, sometimes you just have to face them and this is something you have to face.”
“You’re right Jon. I just… I don’t want Brendon walking away from me for good,” I said the tears trying to return. Jon wiped the tears away pressing a soft kiss to my lips.
“You’ll be able to do this, I know you will,” Jon assured me giving me a small smile. I had to believe him. I had to do believe I could do this…. I had to do this. I didn’t want Brendon hating me.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“Hey Ry, you ready to go?” Jon asked coming into the room. I closed the notebook I had been writing lyrics in nodding at my boyfriend. “More lyrics?”
“Yeah. Just distracting myself I guess,” I shrugged. I wanted to see what Brendon and Spencer were doing with the band, but I was dreading the meet and greet I was getting drug to.
“It won’t be as bad as you think…”
“Yeah, because me going to go talk to my ex-boyfriend and former band mate about how I am over him and together with one of his closest friends is going to go great,” I said sarcastically. Jon sighed softly lacing his hand with mine.
“I’ll be here for you the entire time,” he murmured giving me a soft kiss.
“You better be,” I warned playfully. Jon laughed softly pulling me out of the room. I wasn’t ready for this. I so wasn’t. How could I face Brendon? I just… This would be impossible to do.
“You’re shaking. You’re scared,” Jon noted as he started the car. I snapped back into reality noticing how far we’d gotten while I had zoned out.
“You know why I’m scared,” I murmured.
“If he is truly your friend he will accept this,” Jon assured laying his hand on top of mine. That’s what I’m scared of.
♠ ♠ ♠
You know that pairing of Ryan/Jon we added? Yeah... That was a total mistake. Sarah agree to Spencer/Jon... I was looking at pictures of Spencer when I gave her the offline message via msn and well... I kinda accidentally typed Spencer's name instead of Ryan's. I thought I typed Ryan's name. I really ought to pay attention to what I write... So yeah, it was a total mistake. Give us a few chapters and we'll correct it. Since Sarah is such a kind co-author, she didn't make me go back and rewrite the entire chapter, we're just going to correct it this way. So to answer a lot of questions I have gotten, Ry/Jon is not a permanent pairing. It's a Rydon/Ryden for a reason...Speaking of Sarah... Has anyone seen her? She hasn't been online in a couple of days and it's starting to worry me. She always tells me when she'll be gone for a period longer than two days but this time she never mentioned anything. Sometimes the things she says scares me and I'm getting worried about her. Has anyone seen my co-author who has mysteriously disappeared on me?