So Young and Desperate for Attention

I couldn't get over this. I knew exactly what I had to do next. I couldn't be around him, he was my obsession, my love. I needed him. Why did we break up? I'm trying to remember but nothing comes to me. It was probably my fault. The break ups were always my fault. I was either to hyper, to tired, to slow, to fast, to much of a bad kisser.

I let out a sigh as the tears started to fall. I need Ryan...I love him. I can't admit that ever again. I won't ever hold him in my arms again. I won't be able to kiss his soft perfect lips. I stood up and opened the bathroom door but what I saw next was unexpected. Spencer has anti-depressants at the moment because of our current love situation. He was lying on the bathroom floor not breathing.

“Spencer, wake up” I say. No response.

“Damn it....Ian!” I yell

“Yeah?” he called back

“Spencers unconcious” I yell. Then I heard fast paced foot steps. He helped me get Spencer into the rental car then Ian took the drivers seat and Dallon took the passengers seat. I called Ryan. I knew he would want to know if something was wrong with his best friend but then it hit me that he would want an explination. I didn't care anymore. I had Spencers head on my lap.

“Hey” Ryan says

“Hey, um. Can you meet us at the hospital?” I asked

“Why? What's wrong?” he asked

“Spencer um...passed out on the bathroom floor...he kind of over dosed.” I say

“On what!?” Ryan practically yelled

“His anti-depressants.” I say

“Wh..” I cut him off.

“Don't ask. Okay? Just get your ass to the hospital. He'll want to see you when he wakes up, if he wakes up.” I snap. And with that he hangs up. I sigh.

“What's going on with you guys?” Dallon asked

“It's a fucking soap opera. Spencer loves Jon and I love Ryan. Jon and Ryan are a couple which means we can't have them which leads to Spencer being depressed and me crying a lot which leads to at this moment where I snaped at Ryan and Spencer is unconcious in the back seat of a car that we rented.” I say

“That clears a lot up” Ian said. It was silent in the car for the rest of the way. We got Spencer in and then we waited. Ryan and Jon showed up not to much later. I stood up when the nurse walked out. “He's going to be alright. He's sleeping. We've pumped his stomach. You can go see him, just don't wake him up” she said

“Thank you” I say. I walked in then. I didn't offer for Ryan to go first. Spencer was my friend too and me and him were going through this mess together. I sat there next to his bed and looked at him. We had to fix this. I was tired of everything coming inbetween all of us. We were coming inbetween us. I walked out of the room after an hour of silence. Ryan went in.

“Why did he over dose?” Jon asked. I ignored him. Finally Ian stood up.

“Just stop it guys, be honest with each other. Can't you see how you guys are tearing apart your friendships over love? Why can't you guys just be with the people that do love you instead of the people you want to love you?” he said.

“You aren't over Ryan, are you?” Jon asked.

“No I'm not. I can never ever be over him. I've tried so hard to a point where I'm done trying. I'm done talking to you guys. I can't go through this pain anymore. I really expected a different out come but no matter how many times I've tried to think through all of this none of it's made any fucking sense to me.” I say before standing up and going outside. The tears started to fall again. I'm sick of these tears, I'm sick of this heart ache, I'm just sick.

“Brendon?” I heard Ryan say. I looked at him.

“What now? Are you finally ready rip my heart out?” I say

“No, Spencer wants you. Not me, you. I don't know what I di-” I cut him off

“Open your eyes and smell the roses Ryan, I love you and he loves Jon. People we can never have because they just don't see how much their hurting us” I say before drying the tears off of my face. I walked over to him and kissed him on the lips one last time. It felt just like I'd wanted it to, a goodbye kiss. Then I walked back inside and into Spencers room.

We had to post pone a few shows but in about a week Spencer seemed like the old Spencer, the one that actually smiled and meant it. Me, I was just a big mess. I'd lay in my bunk and bawl my eyes out silently pretty much all day. I would pull it together for shows. That was it. Finally we decided that maybe it was time to end the tour so that's exactly what we did. I was sitting at home again and I was alone. The last time I came home I wasn't alone. I have my four best friends around me.

My phone rang and rang. I didn't answer it. I checked my messages one day. I decided it was time to move on. Or at least try to again.

“Hey Brendon, it's Spencer. I have something to tell you, give me a call” I wrote down Call mr.big news

“Hi..this is Ryan. I've heard that you aren't really answering your phone. If you uh get the chance, call me” I deleted that messaged and moved on.

“Hola, you still haven't called me. I'm your band mate, call me damn it” I laughed at that one. I finally picked up the phone and called Spencer.

“You're alive” he said. Why was he so happy?

“Yep. What's the amazing news?” I ask

“Jon kissed me” he said. I choaked on my coffee

“Isn't he with Ryan?” he asked

“Yeah...I feel so horrible and wonderful all at the same time” I say

“Spencer James Smith.” I say

“I said I feel horrible. And I'm going to tell Ryan.” he said

“But if they break up..then what?” I ask

“You get Ryan and I get Jon. Plus, Jon kissed me, I didn't kiss him” I say

“Why the hell would he do that?” I ask

“No idea” he said

“Spencer, you need to tell him soon” I say

“When we go on tour again tomorrow, their going on tour and they're going to be in the same bus lot. I'll tell him then” he said

“Good..” I say. So tomorrow we packed up again and I dragged my ass into my car and drove over to the bus lots after picking up Spencer. I park and ended up having to wake up Spencer. I got out of the car when he did. We saw that Dallon and Ian were already here. We saw Jon and Ryan though and I decided to let Spencer do this on his own. I mean, come one. He's a grown man. I walked onto the bus after saying 'Hey' to the other two. I was sitting on the couch when I saw Spencer run onto the bus crying. I stood up and walked over to him.

“What happened?” I ask

“He...denied...the kiss” he said.

“That son of a bitch” I say. I walked off the bus and over to Jon before punching him hard. I saw blood come out of his nose. He was holding his nose in pain.

“What the hell!?” Ryan said

“If you do that to him ever again Walker worse will be done to you” I say before turning around and walking back onto the bus.

I'm stronger then they think, just give me a chance to show you who I can really be.