Status: On hiatus. When it will be back, I don't know. If it will ever bet back, I don't know. For now, it's on a hiatus and in the back of my mind. Sorry. It has to be this way.
So Young and Desperate for Attention
Chapter 18
I saw Brendon walk back on the bus with victory written on his face.
“What did you do?” I asked feeling a bit better now but still not perfect.
“I punched Jon because he hurt you and because he blamed you for the kiss when clearly his lips met yours, not the other way around. You didn't 'seduce' no one and that pissed me off.” he said before sitting down.
“You did what?!” I yelled. Dallon and Ian were sitting on the couch and they looked at us then.
“I punched Jon in the nose” Brendon said. I sat down and put my head in my hands. Why Brendon, why!?
“You're a dumb a-” Ryan walked onto the bus. His words stung. After he left I stood up and walked outside to go breathe. Dallon followed me.
“Ignore him” he said.
“I don't know how....I mean...I just...and....he's always been....” I couldn't finish my words. I had to go back on the bus for a while. I couldn't believe it...I was risking something so good and yet I was risking my friendship and I wasn't doing that over Jon. I ran into the bathroom and threw up. I was so disgusted with myself for kissing him. Two days later my phone rang while I was laying in my bed. I didn't answer it, I refused to. I got a voice mail though.
“Hey Spencer...it's Ryan. I have something really important to tell you along with a big apology so call me when yo-” I closed the phone and let out a sigh as the tears fell again. I didn't want to be like this anymore. I'm done with this drama. Their our friends and if they love each other then good for them. I swallowed my tears and got out of my bunk. I took a hot shower and then I hung out with the guys for the rest of the day. I decided to call Ryan right before I went to sleep at 8:30PM. I was exhausted.
“Hey” he said sounding tired too
“Hey, is this a bad time?” I ask.
“No” he said sounding a bit shocked.
“You OK?” I ask
“Yeah, you're just happy sounding” he said
“Yeah, I'm in a great mood. The show went well, kicked the guys ass at mario kart...no actually Ian beat our asses...but still” I say. He laughed a little.
“That's great Spin.” He said.
“Are you okay?” I ask.
“No, me and Jon aren't getting along. It worries me...I don't want to lose him and you probably don't want to hear about this” he said
“No, you're fine. You are my best friend after all. You won't lose him, I'm sure you guys will work it out” I say still in a happy tone but less happier then a moment ago.
“See, it faltered! You still love him” Ryan said
“I might love him Ryan but I love you more and he's yours” I say
“R-really?” he stammered
“Yes, Ry, really” I say
“Thanks Spencer...I love you too” he said.
“Well I'm tired so I'm going to get to bed. I'll talk to you later, maybe text you a bit tomorrow?” I say
“Sure, night” he said
“Night” I say before hanging up. I laid in bed and fell asleep hoping that tomorrow would still be alright even though I just broke my own heart for Ryan's happiness. I woke up to the phone ringing.
“Who the hell is this?” I ask even though I saw a name on the caller I.D. I ignored it though.
“It's Jon, Ryan's really happy today. What did you tell him?” he said into the phone.
“That's he's my best friend and like a brother to me.” I say
“There had to be more. Spill Spencer” he said
“Nope, you woke me up and I'm hungry. I'll talk to you later” I say before hanging up on him calling me a jackass. I laughed a little then sighed. Today wasn't going to be easier. I ate fucked up oat meal, got dressed, and got through the bathroom. I sat at the table and watched the miles role by.
“Are you really okay?” Dallon asked as he sat across from me.
“No but Ryan is my best friend and I'm sick of making him upset. Plus I'm sick of the drama. The reality of me not being able to have Jon has finally sunk in and I refuse to risk my friendship over Jon. Ryan is like a brother to me and Panic! Is the only family he's ever known. I refuse to ruin that for him and Brendon needs to do the same. He needs to realize that Ryan isn't going to be his ever again. Jon and Ryan do belong together because they make each other happy. Sure, their personalities clash at times but they don't care about that and that's what makes them have a strong relationship.” I say.
“Wow. Do you realize though that you're lying not only to yourself but Ryan too?” he asked. Why did he have to say that?
“I know...and that hurts me deeply but it's better then making them suffer” I say
“But you're making yourself suffer. You have to think about yourself in this too or you'll end up depressed again. You can't be trying to kill yourself, not over Jon. Maybe you should speak up again” He said.
“No, that will cause problems. It's a lose/lose situation here Ian. I lose Ryan if I bring up how much I'm hurting but I'll lose myself if I keep this a secret. He probably knows that I'm acting, he can read me like a damn book but he's just too selfish to do anything because he's happy.” I say
“I hope you work this out because me and Ian are worried for you guys with all the emotional things that are going on. Just don't hurt yourselves anymore” he said.
“I won't, he's not worth it. Not anymore...to be honest I'm kind of pissed off at Jon” I say.
“Why?” he asked
“Because he didn't even admit that it happened and on top of that he lied to Ryan, plus I 'seduced him' when clearly he walked up to me and randomly kissed me on the lips. I don't get it...he can die and go to hell” I say.
“Be careful what y-” I cut him off by flipping him off. I stood up and walked back into the bunk area before laying down in my bunk. I have no idea how I'm going to get through the rest of my life living a lie but if it makes Ryan happy I'm not going to worry about lying...hopefully. I just don't want to hurt him anymore...and I've already hurt Jon. I need to call Ryan again.
“Hey” He said
“Hey Ry” I say sounding down.
“What's wrong?” he asked
“Nothing, just kind of exhausted. I tossed and turned after getting to sleep at 3am” I say. Okay, another lie. Lovely.
“That's a shame” he said.
“Yeah...um, Ryan...can I tell you something without you getting mad?” I ask
“Sure” he said but not in a promising tone.
“I can't be your best friend anymore.” I say
“What!?” he asked. He sounded like he wanted to cry.
“It hurts Ryan...I can't do this. I can't let go of Jon yet I'm pissed off at him and I love you, you're the best friend anyone could ask for which is why I can't be yours because I'm a horrible selfish liar. Good luck with life, I love you Ry, don't forget that” I say before hanging up. I fell into my bunk and just started crying as hard as I could.
Slow motion, see me let go
“What did you do?” I asked feeling a bit better now but still not perfect.
“I punched Jon because he hurt you and because he blamed you for the kiss when clearly his lips met yours, not the other way around. You didn't 'seduce' no one and that pissed me off.” he said before sitting down.
“You did what?!” I yelled. Dallon and Ian were sitting on the couch and they looked at us then.
“I punched Jon in the nose” Brendon said. I sat down and put my head in my hands. Why Brendon, why!?
“You're a dumb a-” Ryan walked onto the bus. His words stung. After he left I stood up and walked outside to go breathe. Dallon followed me.
“Ignore him” he said.
“I don't know how....I mean...I just...and....he's always been....” I couldn't finish my words. I had to go back on the bus for a while. I couldn't believe it...I was risking something so good and yet I was risking my friendship and I wasn't doing that over Jon. I ran into the bathroom and threw up. I was so disgusted with myself for kissing him. Two days later my phone rang while I was laying in my bed. I didn't answer it, I refused to. I got a voice mail though.
“Hey Spencer...it's Ryan. I have something really important to tell you along with a big apology so call me when yo-” I closed the phone and let out a sigh as the tears fell again. I didn't want to be like this anymore. I'm done with this drama. Their our friends and if they love each other then good for them. I swallowed my tears and got out of my bunk. I took a hot shower and then I hung out with the guys for the rest of the day. I decided to call Ryan right before I went to sleep at 8:30PM. I was exhausted.
“Hey” he said sounding tired too
“Hey, is this a bad time?” I ask.
“No” he said sounding a bit shocked.
“You OK?” I ask
“Yeah, you're just happy sounding” he said
“Yeah, I'm in a great mood. The show went well, kicked the guys ass at mario kart...no actually Ian beat our asses...but still” I say. He laughed a little.
“That's great Spin.” He said.
“Are you okay?” I ask.
“No, me and Jon aren't getting along. It worries me...I don't want to lose him and you probably don't want to hear about this” he said
“No, you're fine. You are my best friend after all. You won't lose him, I'm sure you guys will work it out” I say still in a happy tone but less happier then a moment ago.
“See, it faltered! You still love him” Ryan said
“I might love him Ryan but I love you more and he's yours” I say
“R-really?” he stammered
“Yes, Ry, really” I say
“Thanks Spencer...I love you too” he said.
“Well I'm tired so I'm going to get to bed. I'll talk to you later, maybe text you a bit tomorrow?” I say
“Sure, night” he said
“Night” I say before hanging up. I laid in bed and fell asleep hoping that tomorrow would still be alright even though I just broke my own heart for Ryan's happiness. I woke up to the phone ringing.
“Who the hell is this?” I ask even though I saw a name on the caller I.D. I ignored it though.
“It's Jon, Ryan's really happy today. What did you tell him?” he said into the phone.
“That's he's my best friend and like a brother to me.” I say
“There had to be more. Spill Spencer” he said
“Nope, you woke me up and I'm hungry. I'll talk to you later” I say before hanging up on him calling me a jackass. I laughed a little then sighed. Today wasn't going to be easier. I ate fucked up oat meal, got dressed, and got through the bathroom. I sat at the table and watched the miles role by.
“Are you really okay?” Dallon asked as he sat across from me.
“No but Ryan is my best friend and I'm sick of making him upset. Plus I'm sick of the drama. The reality of me not being able to have Jon has finally sunk in and I refuse to risk my friendship over Jon. Ryan is like a brother to me and Panic! Is the only family he's ever known. I refuse to ruin that for him and Brendon needs to do the same. He needs to realize that Ryan isn't going to be his ever again. Jon and Ryan do belong together because they make each other happy. Sure, their personalities clash at times but they don't care about that and that's what makes them have a strong relationship.” I say.
“Wow. Do you realize though that you're lying not only to yourself but Ryan too?” he asked. Why did he have to say that?
“I know...and that hurts me deeply but it's better then making them suffer” I say
“But you're making yourself suffer. You have to think about yourself in this too or you'll end up depressed again. You can't be trying to kill yourself, not over Jon. Maybe you should speak up again” He said.
“No, that will cause problems. It's a lose/lose situation here Ian. I lose Ryan if I bring up how much I'm hurting but I'll lose myself if I keep this a secret. He probably knows that I'm acting, he can read me like a damn book but he's just too selfish to do anything because he's happy.” I say
“I hope you work this out because me and Ian are worried for you guys with all the emotional things that are going on. Just don't hurt yourselves anymore” he said.
“I won't, he's not worth it. Not anymore...to be honest I'm kind of pissed off at Jon” I say.
“Why?” he asked
“Because he didn't even admit that it happened and on top of that he lied to Ryan, plus I 'seduced him' when clearly he walked up to me and randomly kissed me on the lips. I don't get it...he can die and go to hell” I say.
“Be careful what y-” I cut him off by flipping him off. I stood up and walked back into the bunk area before laying down in my bunk. I have no idea how I'm going to get through the rest of my life living a lie but if it makes Ryan happy I'm not going to worry about lying...hopefully. I just don't want to hurt him anymore...and I've already hurt Jon. I need to call Ryan again.
“Hey” He said
“Hey Ry” I say sounding down.
“What's wrong?” he asked
“Nothing, just kind of exhausted. I tossed and turned after getting to sleep at 3am” I say. Okay, another lie. Lovely.
“That's a shame” he said.
“Yeah...um, Ryan...can I tell you something without you getting mad?” I ask
“Sure” he said but not in a promising tone.
“I can't be your best friend anymore.” I say
“What!?” he asked. He sounded like he wanted to cry.
“It hurts Ryan...I can't do this. I can't let go of Jon yet I'm pissed off at him and I love you, you're the best friend anyone could ask for which is why I can't be yours because I'm a horrible selfish liar. Good luck with life, I love you Ry, don't forget that” I say before hanging up. I fell into my bunk and just started crying as hard as I could.
Slow motion, see me let go
♠ ♠ ♠
Drama, oh drama, you never let me down. Thanks for reading.