So Young and Desperate for Attention

I let out a soft sigh before knocking gently on the door. I had called in before requesting for their room number. They thought I was some crazed fan who was going to stalk them… Until I told them my name and my association with the band of course. I pushed my hands into my pockets looking down. I only looked back up when I heard the latches coming undone. The door opened and there stood a surprised Spencer.

“J-Jon?” he asked… Well, squeaked. His voice was so high pitched at squeaky. He looked so hurt. Oh man, what have I done? I’ve hurt him.

“Hey Spencer,” I murmured looking down. “C-can I come in?”

“If you want to,” he said in barely a whisper walking away. I walked into the hotel room gently closing the door behind me. Spencer was sitting in the middle of the bed sifting through some papers. I sat on the edge of the bed noticing they were lyrics.

“You and Brendon write those together?” I asked softly. He looked up at me shaking his head.

“No. Some are songs written by Ryan when he was a teenager and others were written by Brendon. I can’t write songs. I don’t have that talent. I let Brendon take control of that. Brendon’s lyrics are nothing like Ryan’s though. I don’t know why I do this,” he said ending with a sign.

“Do what?” I asked confused. He held up two papers.

“Look at Ryan’s and Brendon’s writing side by side and realize we’ll never be the same. Ryan made the band with his lyrics. Brendon is good but he’s not nearly as good as Ryan. And me, well I’m totally useless to Brendon.” I couldn’t let him talk about himself like this. He was such an amazing drummer and if he gave himself a chance, he could write lyrics. He helped with Pretty. Odd.. He was a big help. He knew he was a big help, or at least I thought he did.

“Stop talking about yourself like that. You’re an amazing drummer, you’ve got talent. If you gave it a try, you could write lyrics with him. You helped on Pretty. Odd. so I know you can do it,” I assured him. I swear I saw a very small smile but maybe I was just dreaming. He didn’t seem like he wanted to smile right now. I couldn’t blame him for not wanting to either.

“You’re wrong Jon.”

“Where did the confident Spencer I knew go? What happened?”

“You happened,” he said in barely a whisper. I felt a smack of pain. He was like this because of me? I really must have hurt him.

“Spencer, I want to make things better with you.”

“How so?”

“We broke up because Ryan wanted Brendon and he knew I wanted you. He knew it was best to do.”

“But did you want to break up? I already knew Ryan is madly in love with Brendon, that one is obvious. But I want to know if you wanted to and if you really want to be with me or if you’re just doing this to replace Ryan.”

“I do. I really do. Spencer, I’ve always had feelings for you. I’ve always cared deeply for you but I never thought you could ever love me so I kept everything to myself. I didn’t want things to get awkward between us if you didn’t feel the same for me. I was just watching out for you. And then Ryan and Brendon broke up and I had a crush on Ryan at the time. But that’s all it was. Was a crush and a way to get rid of my feelings for you…”

“So you used my best friend?” Spencer asked seeming appalled.

“He used me too!”

“How so?!”

“We both used each other. For Christ’s sake Spencer, he fucked me the night before he broke up with me and admitted to using me. He admitted to having just done all of that using me as a replacement for Brendon. To make himself feel better. We both used each--” I stopped and grabbed his hands in mine, “is real. I love you. I know I do. I can’t resist you. I can’t resist your charm. I love you Spencer James Smith,” I said. I waited for his reaction. But it wasn’t one I wanted. Spencer pulled away from me bursting into tears.

“You’re such a fucking liar,” he cried inching away from me. I laid a hand on his shoulder but he jerked his body away from me. “Stop playing with my heart!”

“I’m not playing with your heart. I do love you and I do want to be with you,” I defended. It didn’t make Spencer stop crying.

“Get the fuck out Jonathan!” he yelled.

“W-what?” I stuttered out.

“Just…. Just get out,” he stammered. He was shaking by this point. I wanted to make him feel better, not worse. I didn’t want to make him cry.

“Alright,” I said in barely a whisper. I got off the bed walking away from a hysterical Spencer. If I left now, maybe my changes of forgiveness would get better.

“I’ll call later,” I told him before leaving the hotel room.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“Hello,” Brendon chirped into the receiver. I was in no mood for it. I had called Spencer four times and each time he had sent me to voicemail. I knew he was clicking end because each time I called, it rang for a different amount of time.

“Don’t hello me,” I snapped.

“Jon… Have you been crying?”

“No.”

“You’re a horrible liar and what’s wrong?” Damn it. Brendon is like a superhero with knowing when one of his friends was upset.

“Spencer is ignoring me and Ryan’s locked himself in the bathroom. He hasn’t come out for two days and I think he’s dead. I’ve tried talking to him…. He doesn’t respond,” I said. Not only have we had to cancel at least one show due to Ryan being locked away from me but I think something is wrong with him.

“Where are you guys?” Was he seriously thinking about coming to help Ryan? I knew he had something to do with Ryan’s sadness.

“We’re in Arizona in a hotel.”

“We’re in Arizona too. What part are you in?” Oh joy. He is coming.

“South side of Phoenix.”

“We’ll be there… And Jon…”

“Yeah?”

“I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to upset or irritate you. I was hurt and now I’ve hurt Ryan… This is all my fault, I’m sorry,” he apologized.

“I know… I’m sorry too. I’m sorry for being blind and not thinking straight.”

“Jon… If you really want Spencer then you’re going to have to work hard for him.”

“How hard?” I asked cautiously.

“As in crawl over broken glass hard. Don’t literally do it… Oh god no,” Brendon said with worry. I laughed sorry. If that is what I had to do for Spencer, I would do it.

I won’t… But that’s going to be hard to do… I’ll work hard though.”