This, Is Getting Over You

"But it's not raining," I heard him say.

I didn't bother to turn around and explain myself.
As I striped down I turned the water on; there not being much water coming out, I decided that I would quickly jump in and get out as fast as I could, without thinking about...him.

As the cold water rushed down my already cold skin, I thought about how lucky we were to have a shower on the bus, most of the tour buses for the tour had nothing and showering meant you had to get a hose and go under it in public. But, I guess since I was a girl they gave a bus with a shower; a shitty one at that.

I quickly got out of the shower and wrapped the almost clean towel around me, the cotton wiped away the drop of water on my skin and it somewhat made me feel worse; it was like I wanted to stay wet. Somehow thinking that made think about what had just happened, how even though I was clouded by dark water and had no idea what was around me in that water, his arms wrapped around me made me lose all fear of the creepy things that could have been around me. All of the sudden I had the strong urge to write something, just write whatever I was thinking and feeling, I thought that maybe I could make some sense of things. So, I got dressed in an old pair of track pants and a black singlet and walked out.

A cool breeze hit me as I stepped out of the bathroom. 3 pairs of eyes stared at me and I stared back.

"What?" I asked.

"Nothing," all three said in harmony.

"Seriously, what? what's with the staring and judging?"

"We're not judging!" Vinnie shot back.

"But staring, yeah?"

"Yeah, what's wrong with staring?" Josh added.

"Nothing. I just know you guys are thinking about something when you stare at me like that," I stated as I sat down at the tiny table. I started to search for my little pad of paper I normally threw somewhere around the table; just in case I needed to write something, because that's how the lyrics I write turn up.

"Here," suddenly I saw the note pad slap onto the table top. I looked at in confusion; as it had looked like it had been read.

"Did you read this?" I looked up at the person who put it in front of me. And, it was Josh. His eyes pleaded for me to want an answer. "You know I don't like people reading my thoughts...Hey, you can read the lyrics I write, but these aren't lyrics..."

"I know, but-"

"-Did all of you read it?" I looked at the other two guys, they shook their heads and waiting for Josh and I to blow up into a huge fight.

"Look Del, I was only reading it to see if you were feeling okay," he explained.

"Well why not ask me instead of reading stuff that I don't want you to read?" I said as I stood up, taking the note pad and the near by pen with me I walked passed him.

"Are you feeling okay Del?" I stopped just as I started to walk down the stairs of the bus. I didn't want to look back to them.

"Yeah..."

"My point exactly," I heard him say, winning the argument.

I walked off the bus and into the breeze. He knows not to read it, its like a girls diary; no one is aloud to read, and that means no one.

I began to walk in the direction away from the bus. But, I was stopped in my tracks.

"Del!" I turned around and saw Josh jogging towards me.

"Yeah?" I said as I kept walking.

"I'm sorry for reading it, but I seriously don't know what's going on with you these day," he said as he caught up. "I mean, I don't know if you are really okay when you say you are."

"I know," I stopped making him stop. "But you know I get embarrassed when people read this shit."

"It's not shit, most of that stuff turns into really kick arse lyrics," his eyes burned into me through the late night.

"Thanks. I'm gonna go and chill, I'll see ya later," I had the thought that I was running away from him, unlike before where I would hang out with Josh just for a bit of inspiration.

"Um, okay..."

I looked back as I was walking away from him, I felt guilty. He looked like a little boy watching his Mother walk away from him. But, I needed to think without anyone elses' thoughts mixing into mine. I didn't look back...

I found my way back to the lake. For some reason it didn't feel as vibrant and magical as it did when he was with me. I looked out to the lake and then to the bridge. There, there was a person standing on it. I looked at the somewhat familiar silhouette and felt the vibrant magic I felt before, with him. Maybe being with someone here made it feel that way. But, as I come to realize, it was Gerard standing on the bridge.

I felt the urge just to run over to him and hold his hand; that feeling with his fingers entwined with mine just like silky lace was a feeling I loved above all others. I found myself almost running to him, thinking that he would come running towards me. But, he didn't.

I came to the bridge, I hid my note pad and slowly walked to him. I swear I could see his eyes through the darkness. He looked away from me, he was standing there with his arms rested along the ledge. I put my head down, not wanting to see the moonlight hit from the ripples on the water and onto his face; it would be like toucher. Foolishly I stood next to him, hoping that he would look at me, even for a second. I felt nerves rush up my spin and into my chest, making it hard for me to breathe.

"So, did Frankie say anything?" I found myself asking to the back of his head.

"Nope."

"Well, did you say something to Frankie?" I turned and asked the water below me.

"Nope..." I stood there, knowing the answer to the question I was going to ask.

"You ignoring me now?" no answer. The nerves were worsened because I was frustrated. "So what? You're ashamed of me or something? To be honest, I don't think anyone cares if we hated each other before," I watched his head turn, he looked at me. "Why aren't we aloud to let our friends know? Aren't we meant to kept it from the public? I mean, Josh, Vinnie and Josh wouldn't even care that we ar-"

"-That we are what? Dating? going out? girlfriend and boyfriend?" he cut me off. My head tilted sideways in confusion "Quiet frankly, I don't know what we are or what we are doing, neither do you."

"So you're using me?" my eyes were glued to him as he started to walk away, he turned to me and said:

"As I said before, we both don't know what we are doing," I watched him as he turned away and I couldn't bare the thoughts he was leaving me behind with. So, I turned away to look out to the ripples of light in the water.

"Fuck you," I muttered to myself, feeling the reason why I hated him in the first place.

Back to square one, again.

I looked up to the stars and it felt like I was almost home. Away from all of the clouds here. I sat down with my back against the ledge and I began to write in the dark.

When I was under the water with his arms wrapped around me I could breath. But, on top of the water I couldn't breathe before, while and after he was kissing me.

Who could breathe underwater?

I scribbled the words over the page, squinting to try and read the words as the light from the moon above shone over the page, illuminating the words so that they were just readable.

After re-reading the paragraph over and over, I closed the note pad and rested my head back against the cold brick of the bridge. A deep sigh escaping my breath as I closed my eyes and his face appeared in my mind. ”We both don't know what we are doing.” The aggression that had shone in his eyes burnt its way through my soul.

What are we doing? What are you doing Del? I opened my eyes to face the gentle glow of the moon above me, my eyes fixated on it’s silvery glow as if it would give me the answer to my thoughts. Of course, it gave no reply to my pleading eyes as I lowered my head to look down at the notebook clutched tightly between my hands.

“I don’t even know anymore.” My whispered voice answered, and to be honest, it was right. I had no idea what I was doing. No body had ever made me so confused before. I was always so determined and in control, but then he came along and is picking my sanity apart thread by thread. My mind wouldn’t allow the words he’d said sink in, as if it was pretending he’d never said it. He’s destroying you.

“No. He’s not.” Then what is he doing?

“I-“ I stuttered, trying to figure out what he was doing to me. “I don’t know.”

One minute he hates you, then next, he’s all over you. My mind argued back, but it was right. One minute, he was holding me under the water, the next he wouldn’t even look at me as the ghostly remainders of his touch lingered on the surface of my body, craving for his touch.

Trying desperately to push him from my mind, I looked down at the notebook once more opening it to a blank page.

I don’t even know who I am anymore.

Another deep sigh escaped from the depths of my chest as I closed the book and pulled my legs up to my chest. For a few moments, I stared at my knees, bony under the rough black surface of my jeans. Not only was I confused, I was dwindling away into nothing. Eating had not been apart of my thoughts since we’d arrived. He was killing me.

A wave of nausea swept over my body as I rested my head back against the bricks of the bridge railings. Closing my eyes as sleep crept into my system, blocking out all my thoughts and bringing much needed peace.

- - -

The sounds of birds singing awoke me from my slumber, as if I had fallen into a fairytale over night where soon a handsome Prince would come along and swoop me out of my nightmare and into the blissful sunset where we could live Happily ever After.

But this fantasy was quickly shattered as a stiffened pain shot itself through my spin and I forced my heavy eyelids awake to find myself in the same place I had been last night. Sitting, on the bridge in the worst sleeping position which ever existed. The sky was scattered with colour as the sun was beginning to rise, marking the start of a new day.

I pulled myself from the ground and stood up as my bones ached with a stiffened pain, which suffocated all other feeling.

“Fuck.” I moaned as I picked the notebook up which had fallen off my lap and onto the ground, forcing the pains in my back to hurt even more.

Rubbing my eyes I made my way back in the direction of the bus which was deathly silent upon my return. The early morning light crept through the tinted windows, cascading it’s rays over every piece of furniture in it’s path. John had left his watch was on the small table of the bus which I picked up and tried to focus on the bronze hands.

“Five Thirty.” It was way to early, no wonder the bus was dead silent.

I dragged my aching body towards the pitch black of the bunks, where the guys had drawn the curtains and John’s soft snoring echoed out into the rest of the bus. Slipping my feet out of my shoes I bent down to throw the notebook under the bed for safe keeping when a noise stirred from behind me.

“Del?” Josh’s tired moan broke the silence of the room and I turned to see his half awake figured staring at me from his bunk.

“Josh, I-“ He raised a hand up towards me and closed his eyes, informing me he didn’t want to hear a word and instead pulled back the brown blanket and shuffled his body towards the wall.

“Come here.” A smile crept its way across my face as I crawled into the bed next to him, turning around to look at my bunk across from his, as I felt my best friends arm wrap around my waist, sending a comforting warmth through my body. Josh was my best friend, I knew he cared about me- no matter how many fights we had or how ruff things had been lately.

I stab of guilt racked my body, he was my best friend, I used to be able to tell him everything. My heart ached to tell him about Gerard, but I couldn’t. Not yet. I couldn’t even figure out my own feelings or thoughts, let alone be able to tell them to my best friend.

I stayed in silence as the minutes ticked away. My focus stuck on the wall across from me where my bunk lie perfectly empty, like I had never slept in it. My mind was blank, free from all thoughts. It had been the first time since I’d arrived. The first time since we’d been in the States that I felt perfectly calm.

More time had passed until life finally began to emerge in the silence as Vinnie sat up from the bunk above my own and looked down to see me.

“Del, where did you go last night?” He mumbled sleepily, rubbing his sleep filled eyes as his words slurred together making it difficult for me to understand.

“Just to think.” I replied, my voice lowered into a barely audible whisper so as not to wake the other two.

“Well. I’m glad you’re back.” He smiled, running a hand through his bleached locks which were suffering from a bad case of bed hair. The same comforting warmth which I had felt before rushed through my veins. These small moments where it was just them and myself had shown me the guys were still here for me, no matter what had happened.

I lazily watch as Vinnie attempted to pull himself out of bed as he climbed over the side of the bunk and tried to find the ladder railings blindly with his foot, to help him get down. This attempt failed however, as he missed the railing and came crashing to the hard floor below with a loud crashing sound which startled both Josh and John awake from their sleep.

“What the fuck!” I heard John yell angrily from above as a head appeared from over the side to peer down at Vinnie lying spread out on the floor with his face scrunched up in pain.

“What happened?” Another voice stirred from behind me as everyone was waking up.

“Vinnie, floor.” I stated simply, pointing to the floor below me and trying desperately not to laugh.

“You fucktard.” John shouted, jumping effortless from above and almost landing on Vinnie, making him wince.

At about nine am after everybody had been woken by Vinnie’s circus act, Emma strode into the bus just as John and I were attempting to make pancakes with the small amount of supply’s we had. It was the first thing we’d really done together since we’d left home.

“Good morning!” She said cheerfully, rather than grumpily like she usually was.

“Um…did we do something wrong?” John asked as he poured a spoonful of the creamy mixture into the hot pan below him.

“What? Can’t I be happy?” Emma looked him up and down, as if she was offended by his statement.

“Well-“

“Don’t want to hear it!” She raised her hand in front of her face and walked over to the couch.

“What is it then?” Josh asked, looking over the screen of his laptop.

“Well all have the day off today! No shows, just some relaxation and stress free time.” This thought seemed to come as a godsend to the others as Emma slapped her knees happily and left the bus.

“What should we do then?” Vinnie asked through a mouthful of pancake and peanut butter.

“Dunno.” I muttered, walking over another pancake in front of Vinnie, which he would soon devour at the speed of light.

“Well, we could explore the town?” John suggested, flipping a pancake over, his back turned away from the rest of us.

“I haven’t really seen much of America and we’ve been here what-“ Josh counted on his fingers. “Three weeks, a month?” Everyone nodded enthusiastically.

So it was decided, we’d spend the day exploring the town- wherever the fuck we were. As I was putting on my shoes, I realised that the whole time I’d been in America, I’d never taken notice of the towns of places we’d been through. The only place I could remember was New Jersey where I first met him when we arrived. Since then, I seemed to lose track of where we were going, preoccupied by the thoughts in my head.

“Del! We’re leaving.” Josh’s voice floated up from the other end of the bus as he walked down the stairs and into the daytime light outside.

“Coming.” I mumbled half heartedly with the knowledge that I have to confront him once again. It wasn’t something I wanted to do, and I tried to convince the guys that just us four should go explore the town, but then John pointed out that My Chem would know where we are and what we should see. I was stuck.

Wandering outside into the daylight, John, Josh and Vinnie were gathered in a small group with My Chem. I began to walk towards them, but hesitated when my eyes fell on Gerard. Briefly, our eyes caught sight of one another before he turned his head away, ignoring me still. If he wants to ignore me, then I’ll ignore him.
“Where’s Frank?” I questioned Ray as I joined the small circle of people.

“He’s sick, ate some bad Tofu probably.” Mikey giggled at his own joke. I couldn’t help but feel bad for Frank. While we were all going to spend the day off outside, he’d but stuck inside on his own with no one to keep him company except the television.

“Aw, poor Frank, I um…” All eyes were focused on me, making me nervous. “I think I’ll stay behind and keep him company.” I quickly forced the words from my mouth, then hurried off towards the entrance of the My Chem bus. At least I didn’t have to spend the day with Gerard, it would be awkward enough and no doubt Josh will pick up on the tension and start asking questions like he always did.

“Suit yourself Del. We’re off.” Josh’s voice called from outside followed by the shuffling of feet and muffled talk as I walked up the metal steps of the bus.

“Who’s there?” A voice croaked from inside as I came to floor level and saw Frank lying on the couch, his face was pale and eyes glazed over. He smiled weakly as I walked towards the couch and sat down besides him.

“Bad tofu…” Mikey’s bad joke repeated itself my mind making me giggle. Frank turned to look at me. His eyes full of confusion and his brow raised.

“It’s just a cold.”

“Ew.” I scrunched up my face and shuffled over towards the other side of the couch. “I don’t want to get sick, I have a reputation you know?” A small ragged laugh escaped his chest.

"Reputation, ey?" he cooed.

"Yup. Besides, I'm too cool to get sick," I teased. I looked at him, his eyes growing red and his nose the same color.

"I'm cooler than you, that's fo' sho'," I kept my eye on him, laughing inside my head I began to speak.

"I highly doubt that."

"You do? Don't be mistaken, I am rather cool," he was insulting me!

"You wanna bet? I'm way cooler than you...You're...lame," I raised my nose at him, in a very snooty way of course.

"I am not lame!" he spat in sarcasm.

"We'll have to sort this out," I began to think. I looked around the bus as he laid back holding his head. I saw a board game tucked away in a shelf. I stood up, walked over to the shelf and grabbed the board game. Battle ship, I read. "You guys play Battle Ship? How verylame."

"Oh, shut up," he laughed. "It gets boring on the bus."

"Wanna play?" I held up the box. "Whoever wins is the coolest, whoever loses is obviously very lame."

"Okay, you're on!" he said, trying to get up. "Maybe it will make me forget about how lame you are. Oh, sorry...I meant how sick I am," I laughed and set the game up on the floor.

"Funny, very funny."

As I was setting up the game, I noticed that Frankie wasn't looking too good. He started to bend in pain and wince. "Are you okay?" I asked leaving the game and going to sit next to him.

"Yeah. Just my stomach being an ass," I laughed.

"Maybe you should get some sleep?"

"Must...play...game...and...win...I...am...too...cool," I laughed and picked up the game. And, a long story short- I won.

After jumping around yelling: I won! I won! I am cooler then you and I am the coolest! Frankie had almost fallen asleep gracefully. I looked at him.

"I'm cold."

"But not cool," I said through laughter.

"Yeah, yeah..." I saw the corner of his lips curl up.

"You want a blanket?" I offered after seeing him shake. He opened his eyes and pleaded with them: Oh please, oh please? Would you? I turned around and took a blanket from one of the empty bunks. After I had lifted up the blanket I smelt Gerard. It must be his. I thought. I put the blanket around Frankie and let him to sleep. I laid on the floor looking up to the almost silver ceiling. Thinking about Gerard; wondering about what I was going to do...what I was going to about Gerard. He had left my mind, I was more worried now than what I was before. I was worrying about myself and how he was using me. How do I know if he is using me? Maybe because every time we were alone he overtook my senses and flooded them with a strange feeling. Then when things weren't going his way he left me behind, again and again.

You're selfish, I told myself. Very, very selfish.I stood up and went over to Frankie. I moved his feet, sat down and put his legs on top of my thighs. I looked over to him and saw beds of sweat on his forehead, but he was slightly shaking. Just a cold my arse. I got up and knelt down in front of him, feeling his forehead I knew he needed to get out into fresh air to cool him down; to make him feel better. I looked up and out the window. I had been thinking for hours because it was close to sunset.

"Frankie? Wake up," I gently patted his shoulder but failing to wake him up. "Frankie!"

"What?!" he shot up and looked at me.

"You need some fresh air, come on. Outside," I instructed.

"But I'm fucking cold!"

"I know, but your body his hot!"

"Why thank you."

"Shut the fuck up, Frankie. Get up, you can sit outside and bring down your heat," I watched as he closed his eyes; obviously getting the strength to pull himself up.

Once we were outside we sat down on the grass. He was lying down and I was sitting up looking out to the sky which was turning a light shade of purple in the horizon. The same thoughts as before came into my mind and it was as if I had drifted off into another world, Frankie knew what I was thinking about when I looked at him through the silents.

"So, you and Gerard?"

"More like Gerard and sometimes me," why wasn't I caring about talking about this?

"His a strange guy, I've know him for a long time and still can't figure him out."

"Maybe it's me," Frankie looked up at me and weakly smiled. "Maybe I'm just too fucked up. I mean, I can't even bring myself to think about him in public..." I heard Frankie's chuckle and looked at him again.

"There's nothing wrong with, I can assure you."

"It's me. Why do I even care? Y'know, I shouldn't care...I'm not the caring type. Do you think I should just forget about him? I hate thinking about men, I'm not a lesbian...but men are just...blah, just not worth my time."

"You think?" I looked once again at him, his eyes were questioning me. A look you had to think about. No, no I don't.

"I'm too cool for men anyway," I smiled cheekily as I looked away.

"Oh really?" I saw him get up in the corner of my eye.

"Yup, too cool."

"Oh yeah...and you're too cool to get sick, too! I might have to do something about this..." I slowly looked over to him, he was coming closer, sticking his tongue out.

"Don't you even think about it!"

"Too late!"

All of the sudden I was trying to get Frankie off of me, he was trying to lick my face. "Get you're filthy germs away from me!" I spat with laughter spilling out. He was trying to pin my hands so he could get to lick my cheek.

"Stay still! It will all be over in a minute!" he was laughing just as much as I was.
I finally found my feet a struggled to get up and away from him, but I dragged him along.

"Frankie!" I screamed as he kept a hold of my hands, I could barely breathe from the laughter.

"We'll see how cool you are now!"

And all of a sudden his was face to face with me, licking my cheeks as I tried to escape. "Stop!" I yelled, giggling out my heart. Suddenly, he had stopped. He was looking behind me, but just as I was turning m head to see what it was he stopped me and knocked the wind out of me. He was replacing the wind that was blown away from my body; he was kissing me. His lips were firmly pressed against mine with his hands on my cheeks. I was enjoying it for a second, but common sense ruled over my pleasure. What was I doing?

The spark? Where is the spark?

He pulled away quickly and I took a deep breath in, I had no idea what just happened or how it happened. I looked into his big brown eyes, they were telling me something I didn't understand. He looked behind me once again, I quickly turned my head and the world went into slow motion.

There's the spark.

It was walking away with Gerard who was almost right behind me.