This, Is Getting Over You

I looked at the glass next to me. The light from inside the bus reflected on it. The way the colour bounced back at me made me wonder how light was able to do anything but light up the way to show me where to turn. If this really was the end of this unbelievable dream I've been living, then I would've told the bus driver to stop, then I'd get off and walk away with no regrets. But I sat, staring at the glass thinking of the times where being in a band was the air I was breathing. This band was my heart and the blood it was pumping was the music. This band was a love affair I didn't want to break away from. Not now. Not ever. They don't understand that. Why don't they understand that they are my life and I hate them for saying what they did? It was me, but them as well. Why should I put all the blame on me?

If you don't know me by now
You will never, never, never, know me

The silence inside the bus was torcher. Is there a way to take back everything I have ever done? I don't want to take everything I've done. I've fucked up everything so many times, why do they want to throw stones at me now? They know that I'm far from perfect. I don't ever want to be perfect; but it seems like now I have to be.

Knives were sticking out of my back; trying to take them out was not possible. I wanted them to stay there and scar me. Why couldn't they understand me? I looked over to Josh; he quickly looked away. Yet another knife pierced me.

All the things that we've been through
You should understand me like I understand you

Not long ago, they knew ever inch of me.

"Can't you just smell the beach?" I said, taking a deep breathe of the sweet salt in the wind.

"I can also smell how close we are to bogans," John said, placing the snare drum into the trailer. I laughed and looked up to the cute baby blue of the sky.

"I've got the front seat, I hope ya know, John," I stated, looking over to him. He looked back at me. Silence fell over us. I knew what he was thinking and he knew what I was thinking. Looking at each other turned into glaring at each other; waiting for any slight movements. I saw his foot slowly take a step back. "Oh no you fucking don't!" I yelled, quickly rushing into action and pushing him back. But, he had my arm.

"That seat is mine!" We began pushing, I grinned.

"We can switch when we stop for petrol!" I struggled, finally getting in front of him and getting to the door. I had my hand gripped onto the door handle, thinking I was going to be the victor. But, suddenly I felt his hands grip onto it, too.

"I know you! We'll stop but you won't get out!" We began laughing but kept up the fight for the freedom of the front seat.

"I promise I will!" I lied, grinning at him.

During the battle, we both looked inside the small van; Vinnie came into view. He crawled from the back seat into the front. He buckled his seatbelt and look back at us; a cheesy smirk smeared across his face.

I looked passed the glass and to the trees we were passing; a slight smile appeared.

I couldn't take it anymore. I can't just sit there with my lips glued together; thinking of the things we've done and the things I could have said.

I know the difference between right and wrong
I ain't gonna do nothing to break up our happy home

"Look," I said. It was hard to break the ice that froze over us all. "I'm sorry," I added, they all looked at me. Their eyes darted, knowing that I couldn't just sit there and not explain my blunt actions. I began to write down what I was going to say in my mind with thick marks made by an even more blunt pencil. "But you've gotta understand that I can't be full of energy everyday...You can't all blame me for something when you all know that we've been touring nonstop for three years now; we're all tired."

"That's more of an excuse, than a reason, Del," John stated. I wanted to burst.

"So you're telling me that you're not tired of this? That you don't want to have a day where we don't have to worry about making people love us? John, we're start touring three years ago. We haven't slept in our own beds for three years."

"But that's what we wanted to do!" Josh cut in.

"Yes, I admit that we wanted to do that...And yes, the first year we start was one of the best years of my life...But fuck! For the past two years we've been playing the same songs almost every fucking day! None of us have even tried to write something new! At first it was about playing the music and now it's just about making people like us! What the fuck happened?! How are we gonna bring out something new if that's all we care about?!"

"How dare you turn this on us!" Josh yelled, standing up. I could see the total rage burst out through the veins popping from his forehead. I couldn't take it...He was acting like he hated me. Acting as if we haven't been through anything.

"How dare you turn every-fucking-thing on me!" I wanted to slap him right across his cheek. "You have no fucking idea how hard to it to make people love us when I'm sick of this! I'm sick of the fucking stupid lyrics I wrote! I'm sick of thinking the crowd will tear me apart if I don't sing a line well! I'm sick of having to make everyone fucking happy when I'm not!" I screamed in front of him and the band members I thought were my brothers. "I'm sick of putting myself through pain just to sing! If you were so fucking upset about my performance why the fuck didn't you help me out?! Why didn't you go up and make the crowd scream through the whole show!"

"That's your job!" John boomed.

"I don't fucking see you getting up from behind the drums and making it easier for me either, John...So don't you fucking start!" I glared, throwing knives at him in my mind.

"Just fucking shut up!" Vinnie screamed. We all looked at him, his eyes growing red. What the fuck have I done? I wanted to say so much, but I wanted to take it back after it was said. I slowly took a step back.

"I can't believe you guys anymore..." I said, looking at both John and Josh. "All the fucking things I've done for you both..." I felt a tear beginning to rip at the corner of my eye. "I've given you all I can offer but it's just not enough."

A boom of silence exploded yet again. What more was there to say? We've had so many fights before, but this seemed as though it could change us forever. Whether it be good change or bad, we were still yet to know. One thing I did know for sure is that I regretted it. It felt like I was burning the deepest darkest part of hell.

Don't get so excited when I come home a little late at night
'Cause we only act like children when we argue, fuss and fight

Through our madness, an unexpected sudden halt to the bus occurred. A rather huge bump in the road shocked us all.

"What the fuck was that?" John asked. We all rushed over to the window. I could feel the bus tilting. We all stared out the window exactly like we had down when we first arrived in America. The bus started to get slower and slower, bumping along the way until it finally stopped.

"Someone go ask what's going on," Vinnie instructed.

"No, you," Josh said to John.

"No, fuck you, you go," John said to me.

"No!"

"I'm not going," Vinnie said plainly.

"Neither!" John and Josh cooed. I sighed and rolled my eyes.

"I'll go then, but if witches catch me along the way, I'm coming back to haunt you fuckers," I said; Josh hid a smile, but I didn't even smile. Although, I did smile once I began to make my way to the front of the bus.

As I was walking I thought about why the numb pain that was gripping me before was no longer there. Maybe it was because arguing with them was what I needed to feel human again. Siblings fight all the time, but the love always stays there even after, because family love each unconditionally.

"What happened?" I asked the bus driver; who I had not gotten to know due to lack of ability to be human rather than a mindless blank piece of paper.

"I'm not sure," his American accent catching my attention. "I have to check it out," he said, search for something underneath the seat. I brought himself up, holding a flashlight. I followed him outside and stuck closely behind him. Through the darkness a flash of light flamed out onto the bus. As he looked, I lifted my chin and saw the sky. Bullet shots of memories of the previous night hit me. I was so blindly drunk that I could barely remember everything. Of course, I remember everything of the harsh conversation with Way. "The tire's flat..." I quickly turned my head to the bus driver.

"What?" I asked, hoping he didn't say what I thought he said.

"We must have driven over something sharp because it popped the tire," he explained.

"You've got to be kidding me!" I boomed in shock.

"Nope, and it's almost impossible for me to put a new one on so we'll have to call AAA."

I sighed in annoyance and tried to hold it in.

"What happened?" I turned my head to John; whose head was coming out from the door.

"Flat tire..."

"Fucking hell!" He went back into the bus.

As if I wasn't annoyed enough, the sound of another bus was driving down the road we just came down. I looked ahead and saw a replica of our bus; My Chem's bus.

Was someone up in the sky looking down on me and forcing bad things to happen? I wanted to throw myself in front of their bus as they drove passed. I heard the sounds of their bus slowing down. I actually thought about throwing myself in front of the bus. I actually imagined it happening. I began to think this was the start of another spiral down.

"How embarrassing," Josh said after coming out from our broken down hell whole of a bus. I watched as Vinnie followed him and then John followed after.

The night was playing out to be the same as the night before. I was frustrated to even think straight. I hated this. I hated standing in the cold night on the deserted road. I could have been anywhere else but here. But I wasn't. We all stood in silence as the bus driver checked out the tire. I heard the sounds of people walking on gravel come closer and closer until I saw Mikey's head appear from the corner of the bus.

"Yo," he said, finally walking out from the corner. "Glad it's you guys, we were all scared someone was killing you guys," he explained. I couldn't help but smile.

"Just a bit paranoid," Josh said, we all laughed. It surprised me, but made me gently smile in the darkness.

"Heeeeey! What happened to your bus? Doesn't seem like it's moving," Frankie suddenly appeared from behind Mikey.

"Well, obviously," Ray cut in after walking into the tragedy.

"The tire popped-" I stopped my explanation as soon as we all heard the sounds of an on coming car. Please be AAA, please be AAA.

"It's Emma, everyone take cover!" Mikey explained. I laughed yet again, but in disappointment.

"Gaaaaah, it's cold, scary, and we need help...Not yelling," I said. I felt the urge to smoke, the nervousness and frustration was eating me. I put my hand in my pocket and pulled out a smoke. Once I had lit t up, Emma was rushing down to us in a panic. We all shut up months and mentally hide in fear of her blowing up.

"What the hell fucking happened?!" She yelled. "The tire! What the fuck happened to the tire!?" She continued to yell.

"It's flat, anyone got a cell? We have to call AAA," the bus driver said.

"How on Earth did a bus tire go flat, Larry?!" Emma yelled at the bus driver; whose name was Larry, apparently. She started pacing and cursing like a sailor after he tried to explain. I hated the sound of her screaming voice, it was like the sounds were scrapping against your ear drums. I couldn't bare the sight of her screaming besides the sound. I turned away from her and went a bit further down the road, not to far from the bus. I finally stopped where My Chem's bus was. I knew exactly why I walked there, but I didn't want o admit it. Maybe he'll come out. I sighed after staring at the tinted windows, thinking he was looking back at me. There were no chances of that.

"Why do I want him to look back anyways?" I said, turning around and taking a big drag of the smoke dwelling around. Maybe because you need him to. "No I don't," I argued. I swore if anyone heard me talking to myself, they would think I was crazy. Through my thoughts I realized that I was staring blankly into the forest that was not to far from the road. My heart jumped with fear and my imagination starting running away with me. Witches don't live in forests... I kept imagining some ugly women appearing from the dim trees. Okay, okay...Slowly walk back to the bus. I told myself. I started to casually walk back, but I kept thinking there was someone behind me...I felt someone there. Before I knew it, I dropped my smoke and start jogging back to the bus, then I heard something and starting running. Don't scream. Don't scream. I know something's gonna grab me... I turned my head back not too far in front of the bus, nothing was there. But then I looked the other way; where My Chem's bus was...Then I stopped running, slowed down and stopped moving. At that moment, I also stopped thinking.

I saw him. He was standing near the My Chem Bus door. He was staring at me. I could see the gleam in his almost dying eyes. I could see the shimmer of light bounce away from his jet black hair. I could his lips, perfectly placed. I could feel the shivers slither down my breaking spine. I wanted so much to run over to him and hide behind his perfection. I wanted so much to run over and push him up against the bus and scream at him. I wanted him so much that it was too bad for me.

I had spent the entire day thinking about how much I hated his guts, but when I saw him, it almost faded away completely.

"Del! Get back here!" Emma yelled, ripping away from his glance. Before I could tear away from his sight, he turned and went back inside the bus. My heart sank further inside and I walked back. Not caring if anything grabbed me, took me away, and slaughtered me. "We're in too much of a rush to wait for someone to help us, so you guys will have to go with My Chem to get to the venue." I heard Emma explain. I closed my eyes and rolled them to the back of my head. This is more than hell. I whined to myself. Once I had opened my weary eyes, I saw Frankie grinning at me.

"Finally! New company!" Frankie explained rushing over to me, he swung his arm over my shoulder, directing me to their bus. "This will be fun!" I highly doubted it would be. A whole few hours in awkward silence, trying not to think or look at him whilst trying not to come off as there being something wrong with my band mates.

"Ladies first," Frankie said, waiting for me to go in. My heart began to pound harder and harder. I don't want to go in there, I'd rather stay out here with the witches.

"Nah, you can go first," I said, trying not to stutter my voice. I turned around and saw the other guys coming.

"Okay, I'll be the lady if you really want," Frankie said, walking up the stairs and into the bus. "We have company!" I heard him say.

I waited for the other guys to get in before I did. I couldn't bare this. Anything but this, please. "After you," I repeated after them all. When they had all gotten in, I stood there. I was racking my brain out for a plan to get me out of this. Maybe I could stay behind with Larry. "That would be freaky, though," I said to myself.

"Del, hurry the hell up!" Josh called for me. Come on, come on. Think! There was nothing I could do but go in there and take the pain. Take is like a man. I held my breathe and walked up the stairs. Step by step my heart pounded and pounded. Why is this so God damn hard? I just imagined him sitting there, smug. His pale face not even looking at me, not even caring. He would swallow me whole and I had to endure the pain of it all. When I finally got inside the bus, an overwhelming stench filled my senses.

"Wow, how do you guys breathe in here with this stench?" I asked, looking at anything but the people in front of me; who were staring at me.

"I describe it as a man aroma rather than a stench," I heard Bob say underneath his covers.

"Come over here, Del. I saved you a spot next to me," Mikey called. He helled out his hand and I took it. He led me over. Where is he? I asked myself, wondering where his devilish charm would be lingering. Mikey led me over to the table. My eyes were staring at how dirty the top was. From the table top, to the seat my eyes wandered...Then they wander further up, where I saw the devil disguised as Gerard Way. He was looking back at me, again. This time, the gleam in his eyes seemed like shattered glass. My eyes slowly wandered back to Mikey, who was waiting for me to slide across and sit in the seat across from the hidden devil. Oh no. No, no, no, no, no! I pleaded. I took a deep breath in and sat down, sliding across and in front of Gerard. I shyly looked up at him, but he was blankly staring out the window.

As the bus full of smelly band members starting driving down the dark road, everyone had settled into their places; except me. Mikey was sitting next to me; Frankie was sitting next to Gerard; Josh was sitting on the floor, sleeping; Vinnie was lying on the floor, trying to sleep; Ray had hit the hay; Bob had done the same; John was sleeping in Mikey's bunk and I, I was sitting across from Gerard. This couldn't make me feel any worse.

About a half hour later, the silence seemed as though it was cemented there. I could only hear the faint sounds of Mikey's breath. He seemed calm when I looked at him, he had his chin rested on his hand. His eyes were closed behind his glasses; which fell from the top of his nose, to the bottom. Frankie sat there with his arms folded, he looked up to the ceiling. He was probably thinking about new guitar sounds. I slowly and regretfully looked over to Gerard, he hadn't moved within the whole time. He just sat there still, looking out the window. Instead of looking directly to him, I looked at the reflection his perfected face made in the tinted window.

"Well, this wasn't as fun as I first thought," Frankie finally spoke.

"I think we're all just a bit tired, is all," I said.

"Yeah, touring does that, sucks really...You think it'd be endless fun," Mikey joined.

"Wish it was, but then again I wish I could just go home for a few days," Frankie explained with a deep sigh.

"That would be the best. I can just imagine myself sleeping in my bed...Just sleeping," I said, thinking of how soft my pillow was.

"I wouldn't mind my own bed, too." I looked over to Gerard. Did he just say something? "It's like we don't sleep for days." He did say it. "Guys, I need to stop. I'm going crazy," he added. His eyes exploded with weary.

"I'll go and tell Jack to stop at the next station," Mikey said, getting up and leaving us.

I was kind of enjoying this moment. It was a moment when someone actually agreed with me. It was a moment where Gerard agreed with me.

"Jack says he'll pull over at the next station in the next town, which is like...two minutes away," Mikey explained upon his return. He resumed sitting.

Once we had stopped, I quickly shot up and almost sprinted outside. How did I last that? iI questioned myself. I needed to be alone. I needed to understand what I was feeling. Confusion always took the best of me. The light from the petrol station almost blinded my sight since we hadn't been in such bright lights for hours on end. I began my search for the ladies room. I just hoped no one was in there once I had found it.

"Ladies," I said looking at the door of the ladies bathroom; which was behind the station. I pushed the door open and looked around the place. It was old and dirty. The walls looked like they were once painted white, but turned to gray. I guessed that it must have turned gray because a lot of women came in here to scream out all their thoughts of men they hated. I would just be another one of those women. I walked over to the mirror in front of the water basin. It had finger prints and lip stick marks all over it. Through the thousands of marks was my poor reflection. Seeing myself hit me like a bomb. I was wreck; my face was colourless, the circles around my eyes were almost black and my hair was nothing but fading black knots. I was empty, there was nothing left I could give. How can I go on like this?

In the lonely bathroom, I began to feel like someone was there. I remember how I thought someone was behind me when I ran back to the bus, earlier. But, it was only Gerard. Stop thinking about him! I looked in the mirror and to the bathroom stale wall. No one was behind me. Just stop thinking about him! I put my hands on the basin and hung my head. "How hard could it be?"

"As hard as you want it to be." My heart exploded with fear. I looked into the mirror and I thought it was my last time I would ever be able to think. I quickly turned around and push whoever was behind me up against the cubical stall wall. I was pleading, hoping I wouldn't killed. But, when I looked up to see who it was...

"Gerard!?" I hissed. "Don't fucking scare me like that!" I hissed again. My body was pushed so close to his. My hands were shaking, my heart continued to pound and I felt like bursting into tears from fright. Looking at him, a smirk appeared on his lips.

"Miss me?" he asked, still grasping that devilish charm I was finding hard to resist.

"No, but I'm guessing you missed me," I said. Maybe this is my chance, I have him in the palm of my fucking hand! A stream of hope floated through me.

"Not a bit, babe." I scoffed and stepped back.

"Y'know what?" I asked, bitting my bottom lip; not nervously.

"What?" he asked, the smirk disappearing once I realized I could take control.

"Baby, I need a smoke," I said, my tone becoming seductive as he clung to the wall behind him. I took one single step forward and made sure my precious legs were close to his. I pressed my chest up to his, making sure hot breaths were breathing down his skin. He looked down at me as I grinned. The rise and fall of his chest becoming more rapid and my hand slowly slipped down his chest, down his hips and down his tight pocket of his extremely tight pants. I slowly pulled at the packet of smokes until the packet was left in the palm of my calm and controlled hands. I took a gracious step back, keeping my eyes on his and a placed a smoke between my lips. "Got a lighter, babe?" I smirked. He slowly looked down and pulled a lighter from his other pocket. He held the lighter up to the end of the smoke. At first, it seemed as though his hands were trembling terribly. He struggled to spark the light. When he had, I took a deep breath as it burned. Sudden;y footsteps started to sound outside. He shot his head in fear. "Scared you'll get caught in the ladies, babe?" I teased.

"Shut up," he said, taking my hand and dragging me. I wondered where he was going to take me, but at least I was safe and beginning to have the light shine on my path. He almost forced me into the cubical he was pushed up against. He slammed the door shut and locked it. Yes, yes, yes, yes! I have him now.

"What's the matter, babe?" Would he realize how annoying being called babe is? I looked into his eyes as a piece of his oily hair fell upon them.

"Yeah. I haven't been able to stop thinking about you and it's all your fault!" he whispered. Now I could grip his mind in the palm of my hand and make it hurt.

"Aaaw," I cooed, bitting my bottom lip as the seductive side started to take a hold of me. I slow began to push him up against the locked door. "I'm," I started, while I lifted my hand to his cheek, "so," I continued, while dragging my fingers down the soft skin of his neck, "sorry." I finished, my hand slowly dragging down his chest; which was rapidly going up and down.

"I-" he tried, "-I."

"Lost your train of thought?" Suddenly he gently took me by my arms and gently pushed me up against the door. I kept my smirk as he pushed up against me. His eyes looked into my with such intensity it almost broke me, but I didn't let it. I could feel his breath trickle down my neck as his lips were so close to mine. Let him chase after you, damnit! While he stalled in thought, our eyes not breaking from each other, I slowly dragged my fingers to his belt, tugging at it while I kept my smirk.

"Fuck you." His lips crashed onto mine. That adored shot of morphine his lips gave me rushed into my veins. His hands slide up my arms until I felt one of his icy cold hands touch my neck. He kept pulling at my lips, making me want me. I don't want more! I argued. But I need it so fucking bad. I didn't act shy. I pulled him away and pushed him up against the door. I pushed myself up against him hard, hoping it word hurt and sting him.

"Del?!" Someone called. We quickly pulled away. What do I do?! What do I do?! I put my hand over Gerard's mouth.

"Yeah?!" I called back. It was Mikey. Of all the times!

"Have you seen Gerard? We can't find him," he asked from outside.

"Um, no I haven't!" I answered. Looking at Gerard, with worry.

"Okay. Well, don't take long, we gotta get going soon," was Mikey's last words before we heard him walk away. I looked at Gerard, who was looking at me with the same intensity in his eyes. He took my hand away from his lips and crawled back for more. I grinned and pulled away.

"Sorry, you heard him...They are looking for you. What a shame," I smirked again. With my body still pressed against his, I felt him sigh. His hands slipped away from my skin.

"I'll go out first." Why does it have to finish now? I pulled away from him and let him get to the door lock. I watched as he tired to open it. He looked at me and tried again, and again.

"What's wrong?" I asked, looking at him with worry.

"I can't..." he began, trying to unlock it again. "I can't unlock it!" he hissed.

"You're lying! Let me try," I said, pushing him back. He's not lying. I kept trying to unlock it, but it just wouldn't.

"Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck!" he hissed with panic.

"Come one, fucking open!" I tried tearing at the lock, but it was stuck. I was locked inside the cubical with him while they were looking for him. The blame was starting to creep into my mind. I turned to him as slow as I could. "It just won't open..."

Just get yourself together or we might as well say goodbye
What good is a love affair when you can't see eye to eye