This, Is Getting Over You

“Let me try again.” He nudged me back out of the way against the wall so that he could get to the lock, tugging at it with both of his pale hands clasped tightly around it.

“You're not making it any better!” The words escaped my mouth before I could stop them, my voice annoyed and frustrated.

“You're not helping Rogers!” Was the next sentence to fill the cubicle and echo off the bathroom walls as Gerard tugged furiously at the lock.

“It's not my fault we're locked in this fucking cubicle Gerard,” I breathed, biting back the anger that had now begun to bubble inside my gut.

“So it's mine then?” He turned around to face me, abandoning the lock, our gaze meeting one another.

“I never said that!” But it might as well be.

“Well you fucking implied it!” His voice was raised, his eyes shooting daggers into my own. Tension was building in the enclosed space both our bodies were trapped in as the others searched outside. How could we go from perfectly fine, to perfectly pissed off in a matter of seconds?

“No I didn't!” I returned his shouting, the familiar anger I felt around him was pumping through my veins like adrenaline. “Tell me when I stood here and said 'It's all your fault Gerard, that the fucking lock is stuck.'” I wanted to slap him, straight across the face with all the hatred I held for him.

He didn't respond, instead he stared at me with those amazing hazel eyes. It made me angrier; I wanted to scream at him, He was so irritating. Why the fuck did I even care about him in the first place? Because he’s perfect.

“What!? What the fuck are you staring at?” I couldn't control it, the anger burst through my body in the form of words.

He stared at me, I stared straight back. Slap him. No. Do it. How I wanted to.

“Say something!” The frustration of being locked in a truck stop cubicle with someone who was becoming the most irritating man I had ever met was getting to me.

Before I could respond, he'd lunged forwards. Our lips furiously colliding with one another, the tension of the situation adding to the hunger of the kiss. I wanted him, he knew I wanted him. The most irritating man in the world, but yet the most desirable.

His hands trailed their way up the sides of my waist and underneath my shirt, helping it to find its way off my body and onto the dirty floor below. Our annoyance and frustration with one another turning into an angry passion, as our breathing intensified in the small space.

I wanted him; he knew I did as he moved me around the enclosed space, slamming my back up against the flimsy wood of the cubicle door. There was a bang, followed by the release of the lock and the door swung open from the force as our bodies hit the filthy floors below us.

The moment was ruined, my heart pounding inside my chest as Gerard moved from where he'd fallen on top of me. Footsteps echoed outside, followed by a knock on the bathroom door and the slow turning of its bronze knob.

“Del?” Busted. Mikey's concerned face hesitantly came through the door, a cup of coffee gripped in his free hand. The concern on his slender face turned into confusion as he was greeted with the scene in front of him and my face grew hot with embarrassment. “Oh, there you are Gee.” An awkward smirk etched itself onto his face as I watched Gerard's turn crimson, before he turned to leave. The open door letting the chilly breeze from outside hit my barely covered chest, reminding me of the absence of my shirt, before closing shut.

I scrambled over to where my shirt lay abandoned on the floor and pulled it over my head just as the bathroom door opened again and another curious person peered inside. Oh shit. I felt my pride sink a little further in my chest as Josh’s confused face examined the scene in front of him as Gerard and I quickly jumped to our feet. Perhaps we were trying to make the scene less suspicious, it didn’t matter anyway. The look on Josh’s face said it all as his mouth curled in disgust, shooting a deathly glare in my direction then quickly leaving the bathroom.
I stood there in the ghostly silence between Gerard and I. Josh knew. He was catching on to everything faster than I could control my raging emotions. Stop him! My mind was screaming at me to go after him, I had to. He was my best friend, and the look in his eyes said it all.

“Josh, wait!” I was screaming, my feet acting on my brains behalf and fleeing from the bathroom, away from him. Somewhere deep down inside my damaged pride and fucked up mind I knew what was happening, what I was doing. Throwing everything I wanted away for a man who- I don’t even know. When he’s around me, I can’t control myself.

“Josh!” He was boarding the bus, he didn’t stop. “Josh, will you fucking wait?” My heavy feet were thrashing along the ground as I ran to catch up with him, guilt terrorizing my body. I couldn’t leave it like this, letting him make his own mind up about what he’d seen. I had to explain.

“Why should I, Del?” He stopped on the first step, turning to look at me. He looked... disappointed.

“Because, it’s not what you think.” The lie spilled from my lips, it was exactly what he thought. The disappointment in his eyes gave it all away, he knew now I’d been sneaking around, lying, throwing everything away just to be hurt again. But I couldn’t stop, Gerard was my addiction, my Novocaine, I needed him. Josh would just have to understand.

“I have nothing to say to you.”

“Please,” I pleaded, I needed him to listen to me. I needed him to tell me that what I was doing was okay. It’s not okay Del.
He shook his head slowly, then disappeared up the stairs leaving me in the dark, with only the dim glow of dying lights to guide my feet. Why was I continually finding myself at this point, caught and in trouble. Everything I knew was falling apart in my hands over one man, but I couldn’t stop. I don’t know if I could ever stop. Why me? Because you’re fucked up. I know that. You don’t know anything. I don’t even know who I am anymore.

“Del! We’re leaving.” Frankie’s voice called from the bus door, he was smiling. No, he was smirking. Mikey had probably told him what he’d seen, and Josh was probably telling Vinnie and his brother right now. Telling them that, Del, their friend, the singer of their band, was screwing up everything because of Gerard- the man she was fucking behind all their backs, then crying when he turned her away.

I followed Frank’s voice, my feet leading the rest of me towards the bus and inside it where blank faces stared back at me, word spreads fast in a tour bus.
“So Del, where’s Gerard?” A snarl came from behind me. I turned to see John, sitting comfortably between Josh and Vinnie. Each one of them staring at me, they hated me.
“Fuck you. I’m going to sit with the driver.” I returned their glare, fuck them. Fuck them all. I wasn’t going to sit in that bus and let the treat me like that. They have no idea what Gerard and I had, they had no reason to be angry. What do you and Gerard have? I thought about it as I made my way to the front of the bus to occupy the empty seat next to the driver. To be honest, I don’t know what we had. All we had was confusion. One minute we were all over each other, the next fighting. At the same time I was destroying my band, and my friendships because of him.
The bus driver was tucking into what looked like a large burrito as I hoisted myself up into the seat next to him, the stale aroma of B.O hitting my senses making me want to gag. I quickly rolled down the window, letting the outside breeze in. Like hell was I going to sit in the back of the bus.

“Uh-“ The driver was looking at me, a mouth full of food.

“-I’m riding up front,” I spoke sternly, pulling my trusty pack of cancer sticks from my jean pocket and putting one between my lips and lighting. My lungs were craving nicotine after all this chaos, it always soothed me.
“Yeah, okay.” He’d seemed to have finish what was in his mouth, scrunching the last of the burrito in its packet and wiping his hands on his dirty old shirt. I got that horrible sensation to gag once more, this bus driver was revolting. But he was better than sitting in the back with a bunch of moody musicians who hated your guts.
I forced my eyes shut, inhaling the fumes from the cigarette into my pleading lungs and exhaling them back into the small confinement. I wanted to forget it all, everything. I wanted to forget about Josh, about the band, and most of all; about him. Every time I promised myself I’d forget about fucking Gerard fucking Way, he’d come along and switch on his charm and I’d find myself under his spell once more. I inhaled the cancer again, forcing everything from my brain.

“So, what brings you up ‘ere eh?” Someone was speaking, the bus driver. My eyes snapped open and for the first time I picked up on his thick Texan drawl. Why the fuck does a band from New Jersey have a Texan bus driver? Not to mention, one who smelt like he hadn’t showered in years.

I shrugged a response; “I dunno. Felt like it.”

“Y’all from Australia, yeah?” I sighed, I wasn’t in the mood to talk to a bus driver about home. I’d rather be home. Just shut up already.

“Yeah, that’s right,” I replied flatly, hoping that if I sounded uninterested enough he’d give up speaking to me.

“I want ter go there one day, y’know? Be nice it would.” He started the engine of the bus, pulling out of park and into first gear. This was going to be a long trip.

“It’s okay.” My cigarette was nearing its end, I threw it out through the open window as the wind poured through and whipped at my hair. I was craving a glass of whisky, wanting to ease the pain of sitting by this bus driver for a whole...however many hours I had to sit here.

“I’ve heard ‘bout you.”

“Excuse me?” I turned to him, he had my attention. What did he mean? He’s heard about me?

“Yeah. You’re that one that’s been sneaking ‘round with Gerald,” he spoke coolly to the window screen. The sudden urge to slap this guy rushed through my body. If I hadn’t have a bad enough night already, the last thing I wanted was my private life- my secret private life- to be revealed to me by a tour bus driver who smelt like he’d just walked out of two years in solitary confinement.

“You mean Gerard?” I bit back my anger, watching him tentatively.

“Yeah, whatever he calls himself.” My eyes rolled back in my head. The guy didn’t even know the names of the band members he’d been driving around for weeks, months even. I looked away, examining the filthy floor underneath me covered in newspapers and food wrappers. The man was a pig.

“You two an item then?” I ignored him as a glint of silver caught my eyes. Shuffling the old news articles and wrappers around with my feet, I leaned forwards for a closer look.

“Well?” His voice was beginning to aggravate me. Mind your own business.

“No,” I replied flatly as my eyes attempted to make out the object. I suddenly realized what it was, sitting back quickly and looking at him. “Why is there a gun on the floor?”

“What?”

“A gun. Why is it on your floor?” Panic was in my voice, I’d never seen a gun physically lying around before; gun laws were tight back home. What idiot would just leave a gun lying on the floor of their vehicle?

“Oh that,” his voice remained cool, like it was the norm for him to just have an armed weapon on the floor of his bus. “I drive at night, it’s for protection,” he spoke with a chuckle, I suddenly felt uncomfortable with the knowledge of a weapon at my feet.

“It won’t bite ya’,” he chuckled again. I maneuvered the newspapers back over it with my feet, closing my eyes and sinking into the seats leather, wanting to forget it was there.

“I’m tired,” I muttered. Sleep seemed like such an escape right now.

“Yeah, you get ya’ sleep,” I heard the driver mumble as sleep sunk in and my eyelids grew heavier.

“Del, wake up!” I was cold, freezing even as the loud voice brought me back to reality. I opened my eyes, my neck stiff from sleeping in a seat. Emma was standing on the other side of the door, the window was still open- no wonder my skin was covered in goose bumps. “Come on, I don’t have all day,” she spat after only seconds, stress pouring through her voice.

She opened the door before I even had a chance to unbuckle myself, and pulled me from the seat. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes, surprised that I’d sleep through that entire trip in that uncomfortable sitting position... a weapon of murder at my feet.

“Here,” shoving a key into my hand I looked back up at her in confusion. Why had Emma given me a key? “Your bus is not fixed, you’re in a hotel tonight.” I could have sworn that woman had psychic abilities as well as band managing abilities.

“Okay, what time is-”

“-Time to go on stage. Quick, the others are waiting for you.” Without even giving me a chance to wake up properly, she was pushing me away from My Chem’s tour bus and in the direction of the stage I was meant to be performing on.

Josh’s eyes met with mine as I got to the stage doors, the blue orbs that had once always lit up when they saw me were now clouded with disappointment. He held my gaze briefly before turning away, playing with his guitar. Guilt and confusion rushed through my body as memories of the night before dawned on me, and I remembered why I’d sat with the bus driver.

“Okay, you guys are on in ten.” Emma pushed past me, a brown clipboard now attached to her arm. “Don’t screw this show up.” Her gaze fell on me, the comment clicked. The last show...

“Do good this time, yeah Del?” Vinnie’s calm and collected voice coed beside me, I knew he was mad at me like Josh, but had chosen not to show it. He didn’t want to screw the show up, but I knew I would do it for him- again.

“Maybe we need Gerard on stage with her.” I looked in the direction of where the uncalled remark had come from. John was resting against the wall, a smug smile plastered on his face. I felt the sudden urge to hit him.

“Shut the fuck up John,” I spat, turning away from him.
Fear and panic in the air,
I want to be free, from desolation and despair.
“Why should I, Del? It’s obvious that he’s all you care about now.” I turned back, glaring at him and resisting the urge to slap right across that smug face of his.

“That’s not true!” Anger was flooding my voice and any ability to think properly.

“It’s not? Because I tend to agree.” Josh had now sided with his brother; he was looking straight at me as I felt this becoming a one-sided argument.

“What are you trying to say?”

“You’ve changed Del,” his eyes held my gaze, staring me down as he spoke in his slow tone. I’d heard this reason before. “You don’t seem to care anymore, about us, about...” he waved his arms to gesture towards the stage door. “...about this.”

“I’ve told you before, I do!” I was getting angrier, the anger beginning to pump its way through my veins like venom from a snake. “I just have other things on my mind.”

“Like what, Gerard fucking Way?” John was standing directly beside his brother, like a wall blocking my direct path.

And I feel like everything I saw,
Is being swept away when I refused to let you go.

“Whatever happened to us? Because we’re falling apart all because of you,” spite flowed through his voice, I wanted to hit them both more than ever. They had no idea, they couldn’t blame this on me. It wasn’t my fault. Yes, it was. No, it’s not. I’m not going to believe it.

I can’t get it right.

“You’ve changed...” Vinnie spoke from behind me, his voice soft. I turned to look at him, my expression clearly shocked from what was happening. Were they ganging up on me?

“Del, we can’t do this anymore.” I turned back to Josh who had taken a step closer towards me, reaching his hand out towards me in an attempt of comfort.

“No!” I suddenly exploded. “You’re not going to blame this on me.” Josh jumped back in shock, before finding his own strength and raising his voice back at me.

“Of course not! It’s never you’re fault Del, it’s everyone else.” He issued towards John who was standing beside him, and Vinnie behind me. John had crossed his arms, nodding in agreement to his brothers words.

“You have to choose Del.” I turned back to look at Vinnie who was desperately trying to stay calm.

“You can’t ask me that-” I couldn’t believe what I was hearing.
Can’t get it right,
Since I met you.

“What’s it going to be?” John was speaking. “A man who fucks you up, or us... your friends? Because you’re sure as hell, fucking up any chances of us making it in this fucking business!” I was on the verge of losing any restraint I had on myself.

“ Friends don’t ask you to choose.” Tears were stinging at my eyes, begging to escape as my body trembled with anger. How could they ask that, they were out of line, they had no right.

“Del-” Josh took a step towards me again, I stepped back in shock. I didn’t want him to touch me, they weren’t my friends. He had no right to ask me to choose. I didn’t even know what he meant. It’s not fair. It’s not.

“Don’t touch me!” I screamed, stepping back again as he tried to come closer.

“What’s it going to be Del!?” John was beside his brother again, his expression turning from stern to anger. “Gerard, or us?”

“Fuck you!” Losing my battle against my will power, I lunged towards him, slamming his back against the stage door and turning around, dodging Vinnie who had reached forward to grab my arm. “Perform without me!” I yelled behind me as my feet thrashed against the hard ground and further away from my friends, from my future, from everything I had.

I was running away, no idea where I was going or what I was doing.

I can’t get it right,
Get it right,
Since I met you.

I had nothing left, only him.