This, Is Getting Over You

We reached the doors of the black bus. I had only been inside once, and that one time had become a hurtful memory.

Frank walked into the bus ahead of me, I went to follow but suddenly froze, just staring at the steps in front of me. He would in there, and I hadn’t faced him since the unpleasant meeting inside this very bus last night.

“Frank to Del! Frank to Del!” The American accent caught my attention and I snapped out of yet another one of my staring and thinking moments. Frank was standing at the top of the stairs with his hands placed firmly on his hips like a small child who wouldn’t stop until they got their own way.

“I never knew our stairs were so interesting.” He laughed, my face turned a hot pink. The last thing I wanted, was for Frank to know who I had been thinking of. Who I couldn’t stop thinking of, it was like he was purposely staying in my mind, mocking me and making me regret all the bad run-in’s we’d had and how stubborn I’d been. It was just mud. The voice in my mind informer me. But you can’t let him get the better or you. It added, fighting against itself.

“Sorry…” I mumbled, pushing out the argument going on inside my head and climbed up the stairs after him and into the dark décor of their bus to see Ray and Bob playing their playstation, each of them yelling and screaming at the screen. Photo’s and posters were scattered across the darkly paint walls and the lack of light made it seem mysterious.

Mikey wandered out from the area of the bunks, his hair a mess as he clung to his stomach.

“You look like shit.” I told him, remembering my own hangover which was slowly disappearing, and how drunk he was last night. Mikey moaned with a nod and walked over to the fridge to grab a bottle of water before returning to the bunks.

“Ok. You only get food when we leave.” Frank mused happily as he walked over to the fridge and leant against the white door, as if he was guarding it.

“That’s not fair.” I was hungry, I wanted food, I needed food. He replied with a mischievous grin, leaving me hopeless. Normally, I’d be over there in a flash fighting to get past him and into the fridge, but I was tired and wasn’t up to the challenge so, giving up I threw myself down onto the soft couches where Ray and Bob were now fighting over who would get to be player one.

Amused by their argument as I sunk my body into the soft cushions, I closed my eyes. Drowning out my surroundings as every muscle in my body began to relax.

“Ok. We’re leaving now.” That annoying voice filled the air. Gerard… In my few relaxing moments I’d completely forgotten that he would be coming. Snapping my head up and opening my eyes he was looking straight at me. Standing, frozen at the top of the stairs as if he’d seen a ghost as his hazel eyes drilled into me.

“What the fu-“

“-Del is travelling with us.” Frank said quickly, cutting off whatever Gerard was about to stay and abandoning his place in front of the fridge to run towards Gerard in case he would need some form of restraining. Next to me both Ray and Bob took a brief glance away from their game to stare back and forth between Gerard and I, sensing the tension which was rapidly filling the air like poisonous gas.

I have to try… I thought to myself, flashing him a small smile in which he responded with an annoyed grunt and turned away to the direction of the bunks.

“What’s your problem?” I piped up, completely turning on the promise I’d just made to myself. He stopped mid-stride and turned to glare at me.

“What the fuck do you mean?” He grunted angrily. I stood up and walked over to him.

“Why do you have to be so fucking rude?” I spat, stirring the pot with my words. It was like I wanted to see how he’d respond.

“Why do you have to be such a fucking bitch?” He replied harshly. My heart ached at his words, and the feeling of hot tears was quickly returning to my eyes. I wanted to cry, I wanted to show him I wasn’t such a harsh bitch. I was stubborn. That’s all. And I wasn’t going to give up everything I had worked for just to be treated like shit by someone who I regarded as my hero.

“Why do you have to be such a jerk?” My voice was becoming louder, more powerful as anger boiled beneath my skin.

“…..Whatever.” He did it again, gave up and walked away, causing a sudden pang of guilt come alight inside my heart.

“What’s wrong with him?” I asked, looking at Frank who seemed surprised by Gerard’s response while Ray and Bob had stopped playing their game to watch our argument.

“No idea.” Shrugging he turned to the fridge and began to pull out it’s contents. “He kind of disappeared last night and he’s been weird all morning.” His comment shook me, do you think, maybe- No. No, he wouldn’t of felt guilty about the words he said. They had been so hate filled, so hurtful.

These thoughts began to bug me. Where had Gerard disappeared to after our argument last night? Did he feel guilty about what he said? I tried to block the thoughts out of my mind as Frank issued me to follow him to the table where he dumped an assortment of sweet food and potato chips, but suddenly, I wasn’t as hungry as I had been. I couldn’t understand why he irritated me so much and why I couldn’t let up with these taunting thoughts and feelings.

We sat down at the table and began to eat, the food filling my stomach and proving that I was actually a lot hungrier then my mind had led me to believe as we both spoke about ourselves. Frank was so sweet and full of energy, he was exactly how I had imagined him to be and I could see that this tour was going to be a blast with him on it, that was only if things would get better between Gerard and I so I could stop thinking about him. I never let anybody trouble me, that was how we had got this far, I couldn’t, I wouldn’t let him get in my way.

Eating my fill I settled back into the soft seats which surrounded either side of the table and looked at the American scenery flash by my eyes through the dark tinted windows. That feeling of astonishment returned to my body as I thought about everything which had brought me here, to this point of my life, as I closed my eyes.

2:59pm

“Come on. Change already.” I mumbled under my breath, watching the grey clock above the door ticking slowly. The more I watched it, the slower it went. I just wanted to leave.

The teacher’s tiring voice droned through the classroom filled with restless fifteen year olds who all possessed the same desire to escape another day of school and be rid of math.

I glanced out the window, the beautiful high blue sky seemed to call out to me, to go and bask in it’s beauty rather then be hiding at the back of the classroom. John and Vinnie’s familiar faces appeared in one of the windows as they began to press their pink cheeks against its pure glass, distorting their faces and leaving marks when they pulled away, they must of got out early. Sitting in front of me two blonde girls complained to each other about their stupidity, even though the teacher did not seem to notice.

A loud buzz suddenly filled the classroom telling us the day had ended and we were free from the clutches of algebra for another day. Sitting up from my place hunched over the table and pulling my dark hair out of my eyes, I grabbed my black shoulder bag and followed the others out of the room. Uncomfortably pulling down the navy blue tartened school skirt, which sat loosely on my hips, ending just before my knees where those horrible navy stockings then travelled down the length of my legs until they reached the black polished shoes we were forced to wear as the school uniform. Stupid schools and their stupid uniform rules. Uniforms suck.

Exiting the building, Josh was waiting at the door with his long arms cross around his white polo shirt with the school symbol as he leant on a nearby poll, a cheeky grin on his face.

“What’s that face for?” I asked him, stopping in my place, suspecting something was up and refusing to come closer until I knew what it was.

“Well…” He said quietly, walking away from the poll and over to me. “I’m finally getting that guitar. And…” That smiled across his face became more suspicious. “Vinnie, John and I all play instruments. And you Del…”

I what? I what? Say it before I have to hurt you.

“…you can sing.” I blushed and started to walk away, I knew exactly where he was leading this conversation.

“Del. That band we’ve always talked about?” I felt something grip my wrist and pull me around to face him. That band had always been a joke, something suggested in a passing conversation.

“I want to do this.” His intentions all too clear.

Something hit the side of my face, its rough surface grazing my skin. I snapped my eyes open to see a scrunched up piece of paper roll away across the surface of the table while Mikey and Frank sat across from me laughing hysterically. I couldn’t help but laugh at them as I sat my self up straight from the uncomfortable position I found myself in.

“We are here.” Mikey pronounced, looking a lot better than he had earlier and pointed out the window where, parked next to us was my own band’s metallic painted bus.

I couldn’t believe I had slept through the whole trip and completely avoided him…except, of course, for the argument at the start. My heart pounded rapidly in my chest and all I wanted to do was get out of there and back into the safety of my own bus. I jumped out of the seat and walked towards the steps, Mikey and Frank following my trail.

Fan girls had surrounded the bus, causing shock to mix with the other emotions in my chest. They were all screaming for My Chem to come to them. Never in my wildest dreams had I ever imagined what being in a mob of screaming fan girls would feel like, even though I’d spent my teen years being one of them.
All the members of My Chem had now exited the bus and were being swarmed by their fans, even Gerard, too busy to notice me disappear around the side of the bus and head to my own fanless bus.

Stopping to turn only briefly and look at Gerard sign an autograph for a swooning red haired teenie. He looked up in my direction, catching my eye and making me nervous, his face showed no anger, it was almost emotionless, and caused Goosebumps to break out on the surface of my skin. I broke the eye contact and walked away and back to the people who knew me.

“Oh oh! Type my name.” I heard John’s voice yell excitedly from my own bus as I ventured closer. Their accents made me feel closer to home.

Wandering inside I saw the three guys surrounded around Josh and his silver laptop at the table, each of them pointing and laughing at something on the screen.

“What are you doing?” I asked, wandering over to them to look at the screen where Josh had the google homepage opened.

“Do Del.” Vinnie yelled quickly, not finding the time to answer my question. Josh laughed and began typing.

Del Rogers

And proceeded to press the; I’m feeling lucky button. Now I knew what they’d spent the trip doing and I couldn't help but break a laugh even though the mood I had created for myself.

The screen started to load. "Come on guys, you know nothing is going to tur-" I paused when I saw a picture of myself pop up on the screen. I was amazed...
I could remember googling my name a thousand times in high school; just in case someone had been stalking me. But, only to found information on people I didn't know.

"Del Rogers, born 19 of September 1982 in Melbourne, Australia. Lead singer of rising band Hella," Josh read out. I looked up at Vinnie, who was grinning at me like an idiot.

"This is fucking insane!" I squeaked. They all laughed at me; at how shocked I was.

"Type in Vinnie's name!" As they continued on with that, I walked to the back of the bus, having this stupid grin on my face.
I opened the bathroom door and stepped in. The smell of man sweat and aftershave went into my senses, almost making me sick.
I looked in the mirror; there she was again. The girl in the woman's body, wanting to break free and just fall to the floor. She was tired of being herself...

The grin that was smeared across my face was no longer there, it was replaced with confusion, angst and fear.

Just don't think of him. My mind ached from all the thoughts of him being forced into every aspect of my brain.

I was sick of it, sick to death. What does he want me to be?! Does he want me to give in and say that all of this is my fault, all of it was caused by me, the bitch, the person he had no idea about?! My mind screamed at me, making me feel weak. My hands were forced to rub my tired eyes. I bent down into the basin and turned the cold water on, splashing my face with the ice cold water. Force him out.

I took a cold shower, hoping that it would wake me up from this nightmare.

I heard music blare out from the wall next to me, it was a song that I was in love with because it would always take all the anger out of me.

If you marry me
Would you bury me?
Would you carry me to the end?

"So say goodbye," to the vows you take
"And say goodbye," to the life you make
"And say goodbye," to the heart you break
"And all the cyanide you drank!"

Fine, if he wants a disgusting bitch, well that's what he'll fucking get.

I had devised a plan. A plan that would make him realize that I was only a bitch to him, in other words, my plan was to be extremely two faced, just like he thought I was.
Even though I was already acting two faced. But, it was his fault, not mine. In fact, why blame this on me? He's the dumb one that couldn't even understand how annoying it is to be pushed in the mud like that.

I was yet again in only my underwear on the bus, but no one was there except Josh, who was still on the laptop.

"Where's the other guys get to?" I asked Josh as I searched through my suitcase.

"Bus, My Chem, don't ask," he said with his eyes glued to the laptop. I found a pair of black pants. Not caring, I put them on to find them loosely fitting around me.

"Fuck, baggy pants...Josh, stop looking at porn."

"I'm not looking at porn! Fuck ya!" He yelled at me, glowing bright read at the same time. I laughed and playfully rolled my eyes.

"Now all I need is a shirt..." I continued my search. Not being able to find anything appealing, I looked up in frustration and put my hands on my hips.

"Woo! Take it off!" I heard a bunch of wolf whistles. Oh God, bloody oath, please, no!
I looked to the dark tinted window and saw all of My Chemical Romance, John and Vinnie staring at me through the window from the bus next to this one.
I looked down and saw my chest and my bra, waving hello to me. I looked up again and saw Gerard, who quickly looked away when my eyes caught his.

"Fuck! I hate being a fucking girl! I swear to fucking God that I will never be shirtless again!" I screamed as loud as I could as I threw my suitcase at the window. All my clothes came falling to the ground, I saw a purple singlet on top of the pile, I quickly grabbed it and put it on.

I moved away from the window just as I heard, "Del! Get the band ready! You're on in an hour!" Emma called from outside the bus.

"Yeah, yeah..." I said as I picked up my make up bag and rushed into the bathroom.

I felt like an over exposed ghost. So, I decided to cover my face in pure white, then put massive amounts of jet black eyeliner around my eyes.

As soon as I finished and exited the bathroom people started yelling at me.

"Hurry the fuck up! We have to start the fucking show off because on of the bands are late!" John screamed at me as he searched for his drums sticks. My mind went into panic mode.

"What the fuck?!" I yelled.

"Don't worry, we only have to play one song for the opener," Josh told me, he was as calm as still water. He was tuning up his guitar.

"What song do we play?!" I asked in panic.

"I was thinking Revelations; Iron Maiden. We haven't played that live before," Vinnie suggested. I deeply sighed and grunted.

"Okay, okay," I began to get strung out on confusion and nervousness because we haven't played that song since year 11.

We were then rushed out into the venue and into the back stage area.

"We have some bad news," we all stood back stage looking out onto the stage as a guy began to explain the situation. "Fall Out Boy are having trouble getting here, so we have-" the crowd started to Boo. "-Hey! Shut the fuck up! I'm trying to talk!" The guy yelled. I couldn't help but laugh nervously.

"Ew, we playin' for Fall Out Boy?" John asked.

"The band covering for them is Hella! So give a warm welcome to the Aussies!" My stomach began to twist itself into knots. The crowd were Booing even louder than before. John and Vinnie ran out onto the stage, I just stood there like a cement statue.

"Del? Come on!" Josh called as he was running out. But I couldn't move, I just fucking couldn't.

As a moment went by, my band mates began calling for me. The crowd kept getting angrier and angrier.

Come on Del, please. You know you can do it. "No I can't," Yes you can. Do it to show everyone who you really are...Do it to show Gerard.

My mind shot out of it and all of the sudden I was running out onto the stage. I stood still with my hands on my hips, I stared at the booing crowd and raised my eyebrow. I grabbed the mic off the stand and held it up to my lips. I stood there, still with that -don't fuck with me- look.

"Are you fucking nuts?! Fall Out Boy can kiss my arse!" All of the sudden, the crowd started to scream. "You want to hear some real fucking punk rock?! Or do you want to hear some fucking bunch of fags play as Pete Wentz dances around like a fucking pansy?!" They started to cheer even louder.

Josh started to play the riff and they were almost screaming the roof off the place. I held a smirk on my face as I brought the mic up to my lips, yet again.

O God of earth and altar
Bow down and hear our cry
Our earthly rulers falter
Our people drift and die
The walls of gold entombed us
The swords of scorn divide
Take not thy thunder from us
But take away our pride

A wave of hands began to show without instruction, I joined in.

With a 'see ya', we left the stage and the crowd screaming out Hella over and over again. I can't explain the feeling my body had, but it was as if I was floating on air, walking on water. As if I would never have to explain who I am, ever again.

"Holy fucking mother fucking roo fucking shit!" John yelled out as he began to jump around with his Brother. I laughed and then took a peak out to the still screaming crowd.

"I'm hungry," I turned around and death stared Vinnie, who had said that.

"We have screaming crowd calling for us, and all you can think about is fucking peanuts?" I spat.

"Shut up fuck face," he said, sticking his 'rude' fingers up at me as he began to walk away.

"I hope the fucking peanuts gives you herpes!" I yelled out.

"Fuck faces, we still have a show in 45 minutes...So I'm gonna go check out some chicks and come back," John said with his eyes caught on some girl that just walked past. I rolled my eyes and looked at Josh.

"Are you going anywhere?" I asked, he looked at me a grinned.

"I must go back to the laptop..." I sighed deeply and started to walk into the hallway with the dressing rooms. "I'm not looking at porn!" I heard him call. I laugh without a response.

I found myself inside the white hall way, it was filled with people rushing from one dressing room to the next. But, I could barely notice anyone was there. The adrenaline was still rushing through my veins, it was like a drug. So I had decided to celebrate my happy mood by enhancing my flowing drugs with a cigarette.

"Thanks for calling me a pansy," I heard someone say as I walked past them.

"No problem," I said, continuing my walk to the end of the hallway with a smirk on my already grinning lips.
As I walked I noticed a paper sign on one of the dressing room doors. Hella it read. I couldn't possibly smile anymore. I opened the door and looked in, I saw a small light brown couch right in front of me. I turned my head and saw someone staring at themselves in the mirror applying make up. "And what in Gods name are you doing here?"

"Seeing as though our dressing room is full and no one is in here, I thought I might use it," I could see his smirk in the reflection of the mirror.

"Why don't you use the bathroom in your bus?" I asked, not to pleased to see him. He threw down the eyeliner that was in his hands and turned to me, he didn't look happy.

"I'm not really in a great mood today, so keep the fucking smart ass comments to yourself."

"Ha!" I spat. I saw a packet of smokes on the table behind him, I walked over and grabbed it, taking a smoke and lighting it up with the lighter. "You seem to only consider yourself," I said, blowing the smoke in his face.

"Y'know, those are mine," he said, watching my lips. "Asking would be nice."

"Oh really? I don't seem to remember you asking to use this room, which, I might add, isn't yours," he rolled his eyes and turned back to the mirror, picking up his eyeliner.

"This is childish," he said as I slumped down into the soft couch, which was before me.

"I know," I couldn't help but agree before the silence, which would fill the entire room with awkwardness.

"Y'know," he began. "The cover you guys just did was pretty awesome," Did he just complement me? I looked at him, he gave me a weak smile and I gave him a -what the fuck- look. His smile wiped from his lips, "but, you could of sang it better and the guitars were out of tune."

"You're fucking unbelievable, you know that?" I spat as I got up.

"How could I be believable with you?" I had enough. I stormed out of the room after slamming the door.

You want a good song, you'll fucking get it. I ran off to find my band.

"Guys, we're covering F.O.D," I stated, not wanting to hear any what's.

"Ah, Del, I think we need to talk," Josh took me aside from Vinnie and John. "Why are you doing this?" He asked me.

"What do ya mean?"

"Del, I think it's pretty clear that you want us to cover this song to piss Gerard off," he said, not to pleased at all. I rolled my eyes.

"No I'm not!"

"Yes, you are. It's not half fucking obvious! It's a fuck you song and we all heard you and Gerard basically ripping each other apart back there!"

"Okay, okay! It's to say fuck you to Gerard, but, the fans won't know!" I tried to persuade him.

"Del, I know you too well. As soon as I start strumming you be all like 'This song is a big fuck you to Gerard!' " He jarred me there.

"Fine! I won't say his name!" I surrendered.

"You better not be lying to me. I swear Del, none of use know who you are anymore."

"And what's that supposed to mean?!" I spat. I can't believe he is saying this to me. Josh, my best friend, the person who knows me inside out.

"It means that; ever since you saw Gerard, you've completely changed. You barely even talk, you're more aggressive and you're always off in your own world..." There was a deadly silence. Please, don't say it. Don't tell me you are thinking you know it. "You like him, don't you?"

"What?! No fucking way!" I argued.

"Whatever...Just, just don't ruin the relationship between us and My Chem, otherwise we'll all turn on you," he walked away back to Vinnie and John. I felt my eyes begin to sting.

What if I wanted to break?
Laugh it all off in your face.

I looked at them as they spoke amongst each other, looking at me once in awhile. I must of looked like a lost puppy. We'll all turn on you.

"You know what?" I said to them from down the hall. "You can all fucking turn on me any mother fucking time of the day, I'll see you guys on stage."

What would you do?

What if I fell to the floor?
Couldn't take this anymore.

Come, break me down.
Bury me, bury me.
I am finished with you.

I stood in front of the screaming crowd, my body feeling numb as the sweat dripped down my hot skin. My eyes wandered over to Josh, he saw me looking at me, but he looked back to the crowd.

Look in my eyes, you're killing me, killing me.

I had never felt this way before, I'd never felt more broken down in my life. I had never let my emotions come onto the stage and to the crowd. But because of this feeling, it ripped into me and into every part of my life.
I started to scream out the lyrics I had written for this song. My mind not even in the place my body was in, I began to remember the day I wrote it.

I won't believe
I would never deceive who,
I can hardly see
What the hell happened
to you and me?
I could only hurt
and still I can't,
I want you to see,
You deserve only me.

"Whose that about?" I looked up from my paper and to Josh's eyes.

"You."

My eyes got the best of as I felt salty tears run down my cheeks. I looked out and saw the crowd waving their hands in the air again. It was like an electrical shot, giving me the strength to hold on and not fall to my knees in pain.

I screamed out the last line and everyone was screaming, calling out and trying to touch my hand as I reached out for them.

The music stopped dramatically and I stood there. I smiled then slowly began to grin.

"This next song is dedicated to a certain member of MCR, who, think they know every fucking aspect of who I am, well...This song goes out to them, it's called Fuck Off And Die."

I walked alone back the bus after the show, my band mates, who I consider friends, avoided me.
I walked up the steps of the empty bus, I looked at it and felt empty as well. I saw a bottle of whiskey; sitting alone on the table. "Want some company?" I asked as if it would talk back. I sat down and unscrewed the lid and took 5 or more shots of it, it burnt my throat as if I was eating fire.

"Del?!" I looked up and saw Emma's head pop up. I quickly hid the bottle under the table.
Her body fully appeared, but someone was attached to her...Gerard "Sit." She said sternly to him, he did what she said. Her American accent wasn't too happy. "I have no fucking idea what is going between you two!" She was screaming at the top of her lungs.

"I-"

"Shut the fuck up Gerard!" She screamed. We both looked at each other, we knew we were in shit. I found it funny, it was like getting in trouble at school. "What the hell do you both think you are fucking doing?! Dedicating fuck you songs to each other?!"

"You dedicated one to me?" I asked, looking at Gerard, a smile came to my face. I guessed the whiskey was quickly getting to me.

"To The End," he smirked. Emma slammed her hand down on the table.

"I can't believe you two!" She screamed, her veins on her neck almost exploding. "Your relationship with each other is effecting both fucking bands! Soon, the fucking fans will find out and you won't want to fucking know the consequence of that!" We both didn't say anything, I think we were getting the hint that this was serious. "We have all given you the chance to sort this shit out, and it didn't work! So, both are you are going to stay in the My Chem bus while we go to the next venue, and, you better have fucking sorted this shit. If not, you will have to suffer the shit the fans will give you both, alone."

"What?!" We both yelled out in unison.

"Yup, you are both going to be stuck in the same bus, alone, until it has been sorted out."

"You're fucking kidding me?!" Gerard spat as he stood up.

"Bloody oath, I can't fucking believe this," I said into my hands.

_____

The bus driver slammed the door on us both. I looked around the bus, empty. I can't even accept Gerard to even be a human being that filled a space.

I was given a chance to grab stuff that I needed in one single bag. I grabbed a few items of clothing and the whiskey bottle, I knew I wouldn't be able to take this sober. I sat down on the couch as I stared out the window. The Hella bus was beginning to drive. And just as it did, I looked through the window. I saw Frankie, Mikey and Vinnie with their faces pressed up against the window, they were grinning at me. I couldn't help but smile and laugh.

"What's so funny?" I watched Frankie bend down and come back up when Gerard asked that.
Frankie slammed a piece of paper up against the window. NICE FRIENDS, NO FRIENDS. I burst out into laughter just as the Hella bus drove off in front of us.

"Nothing," I said, getting the bottle of whiskey from my bad. I stood up and stumbled a bit, but found my feet and went to grab a glass. Once I had, I turn around and saw Gerard sitting on the couch were I was just sitting. I rolled my eyes and slammed the cup down on the table. I filled the cup up with whiskey, right up to the rim. I started to drink it quickly, the pain felt nice. It felt as if it was taking away all my emotional pain.

"Y'know, drinking isn't a good thing," I glared at him.

"And why would you care if I wasn't doing the 'good thing'?" I spat, taking another shot.

"I don't know what to do," I heard him say to himself.

"How about this? You stay on that side of the bus, and I'll stay on this fucking side!" I spat, yet again.

"Fine, whatever," he said, closing his eyes and resting his head on his hands. To be honest, he gave me a shiver that electrocuted itself down my intoxicated system.

"That's the way I love Gerard, asleep...Or at least, dead."

"I love how you say Gerard, you're too Australian for my own good."