This, Is Getting Over You

The tears kept streaming down quietly. I would wipe them away, but the salt had seeped in and when I wiped them with my shirt, my cheeks would sting.

He's using me. I just kept telling myself that.

He just thought about himself, about how his pride; his selfish fucking pride. I just wished he knew how much that hurt me, how much it would kill me.
The scene just kept playing over and over in my head like a broken record, each time it would bring more tears. It became hard to keep quiet, it had just gotten to the point were my throat would bring the tears back up like hiccups.

From then on, the scene began to bore me. So, from then on, all the bad parts of my forgettable life would spring up in my mind, making the pain already cemented inside my body; unbearable.

"Okay, just don't say anything, I'll do the talking," I told her as she walked beside me. Her mind is not even on this planet. "Okay?"

"Yes."

"What do you have to do?" I stopped her from walking.

"Um... What?" I sighed as she looked into my eyes. She wasn't there. Where was she?

"Just don't say anything... What do you have to do?" I made sure that I said it clearly.

"Don't say anything."

"What do you have to do?"

"Don't say anything."

"'What do you have to do?"

"Don't say anything."

"Good," I took a deep breath in and blew it out. My nerves had over taken my regret.

We began to walk to the big steel gates. My heart thumping holes inside my lungs.
We were going to an interview with the school principal because I was caught smoking in school uniform. They had asked her to come along with me, I tried explaining my situation, but they knew me as the liar. How wrong they would be.

Before we stepped into the view of the students having their lunch, I stopped and looked at her.

"What do you have to do?" her eyes twinkled with confusion.

"Okay." Frustration just over took my body. I hated this, more than anything in the world. I just fucking hated it.

"Just don't say anything." She nodded enthusiastically. I doubted myself, she probably didn't even know where she was. "And please, don't yell." She had a habit of speaking too loud, which would scare people.

I closed my eyes tightly and took another breath in. I started to walk into the gates, with her following behind. I kept my head down; I wasn't ashamed of her, just of myself. We started to walk across the bus bay... People started to stare at me, as she would try to keep up with my fast pace.

"Hey Del!" I turned to the voice that called for me. It was Josh, who was running towards me. "Long time no school fag face." I couldn't help but grin.

"Yeah," I saw his eyes look at her, she was closely stuck by me, looking at all the kids staring at her.

"You got the interview today?" he asked, sweetly smiling.

"Yea-"

"-Hey! Look at the fucking retard!" I was cut off. All of the sudden, all of the eyes started shooting daggers at me. My blood was almost boiling. I kept my head down as a bunch of guys started to laugh hard at the comment one of them made. "The freak has a retard!"

"Don't worry 'bout them Del, they are fuck faces." Josh said, trying to let me forget that they were there, laughing at me.

"Retards like that should fucking die. They ruin the country, especially ones attached to freak fucks," I heard them say, laughter drowning me inside, drowning me so much that it was flooding and caused tears to creep to my eyes. My eyes looked up to Josh, I could barely see him from all the tears covering them. But, what I did see from Josh, wasn't a smile. He was almost grinding his teeth. I looked back down and saw his fist, his knuckles turning white from clenching them.

"Excuse me for a sec," I quickly looked up at him as he turned around, I could feel the heat of rage coming from him.

"Josh no! They aren't fucking worth it!" I pleaded, knowing what he was thinking.

"They aren't, but you are." I watched as walked over to them, he pushed through them and to the guy who we knew said the last thing. "You really fucking think that?" I heard him say. I could feel that he was staring death through his eyes. I turned around, not wanting to see them, or let them see my tears that I tried so hard to cover.

"Please, don't cry." She said to me. I weakly smiled and quickly wiped the burning tears away.

"I'm not." I took a deep, brave breath in and turned around. "Stay here, don't move." I was finally starting to feel my own anger.

Watch, the blood run down her face
Please, don't take notice.
Watch, the blood run down her arms.
Please, don't take notice.

She wants you to hear her pain.

I walked over slowly, just before I heard "Yeah, I really fucking think that. What are you going to do? Turn me into a goth?" My teeth were almost breaking from pushing against each other. I pushed my way to where Josh was and stared at the guy, his name was Seb. I hated him with a fucking passion.

"You have something against 'retards'?" I asked, glaring at him. Stepping right up to his face I said, "I'll turn you into more than a goth... I turn you into broken bones and a pool of blood mother fucker." I looked at Josh, who grinned in satisfaction.

"Ooooh, goth girl scares me!"

"You're scared? You're really fucking scared? I'll show how to be scared." Josh grunted, then, his fist connected with Seb's nose, leaving him on the floor; with a bloody nose. All of sudden, I was pushed back... I watched as three guys pushed Josh to the ground, I could see them as they started to punch him. I heard a teacher scream as she came running, but then... I heard a car horn beep, and my selfish mind her, she was left there alone. I turned around and saw her standing in the middle of the bus bay, with a car coming towards her.

"Mum!" I screamed at the top of my lungs and sprinted to her. I quickly grabbed her arm and her mindless body and pulled her to the side walk. "What the fuck are you doing?!" I screamed at her, letting the fear and guilt of leaving her alone be put onto her shoulders.

My eyes closed as tight as they could, I the guilt engulfed my body so much that I couldn't even breath. I was struggling to catch my breath, there was no oxygen getting my brain. I quickly got out of the bunk and rushed into the bathroom, I slammed the door shut and slid to the floor, I was chocking on tears and a stuck breath. I finally struggled to breath. I was shaking and rocking back and forth, my mind was a mess. I couldn't think straight.

"Every thing's fine, every thing's fine, every thing's fine, every thing's fine." I rocked back and forth, trying to convince myself that it had never happened, none of it ever happened.

"Del?" I shot out of it in panic and looked at the door. I didn't say anything, my tears had just stopped anything from coming out of my mouth. "Shit! Del!" I heard as the door opened. I looked up and saw Josh who was shocked. He quickly bent down in front of me. "What's wrong?" I tried to talk, but I couldn't. "Del, calm down! Tell me, what's wrong..." He whispered, hugging me as I kept rocking.

"It's all my fault, it's all my fucking fault."

"'What is?" Del, tell me!" I felt his heart beat with worry.

"I'm fucked up and I can't stop it, I can't stop... It just keeps eating me... I have nothing left, I'm broken." His hug got tighter.

"What keeps eating you? What happened?"

"I left her alone Josh! Just like that day at school! She can't be taken care of without me!" I cried into his shoulder, feeling his shirt wet already.

"She's fine Del, she has the nurses taking care of her... It's not your fault."

"I'm the only one who knows how to take care of her! I've done it for fifteen fucking years! How the hell would they know how to do it?! It's all my fucking fault, I'm a disgusting fucking selfish fuck!" I cried, feeling my stomach tear in two just like my heart had.

"It isn't. You have to live your life. You can’t just stay behind and take care of her for the rest of your life... You have dreams to fucking live out. I know that sounds gay, but it's true." His words somewhat brought my breathing back. "She's fine, we all know it. You just have to believe it." My breathing was back after a few minutes when he said that. He was there when I had break downs. Whenever mind my couldn't take it anymore, he was there.

Will you be the Saviour of the broken, the beaten and the damned?

"What brought this on?" he asked, knowing that whenever I had a break down, it would always be caused by someone, or something.

"Gerard..." I said, into his shoulder. He pulled me away from his tighten gripped and looked at me.

"You know perfectly well never to let anyone get to you," his eyes glimmed into mine. "This has always been true... You can't let them get to you, because of who you are. You have stay up like a brick wall and don't let knock you down,"

"But he keeps knocking me down."

"Well, bring yourself fucking back up again," a smiled finally came to my lips.

"And if I don't?"

"I'll make you," I little laugh came from my lips. I hugged him again, knowing exactly why he was my best friend.

I closed my eyes as I rested my head on his chest, listening the steady beat of his heart. It was somewhat comforting.

“Del, you’ve never been one to wear your heart on your sleeve.” He whispered so quietly into my ear. “So why is this any different?”

“I dunno Josh…” I said with a sigh, still clinging to my best friend as if I would never let go. “…I think I left a part of me behind.” Small tears escaped my closed eyes as I thought about the part I had left behind, the part that didn’t let people get to me. My strongest asset, I had built for myself to keep the rest of the world out.

”Right, ready Del?” John asked from across the room where he was beating his drumsticks on the brick wall.

My heart was thumping madly in my chest and I felt like I was about to bring up everything I had eaten that day. We shouldn’t of got those burgers on the way into the city. I looked at my trembling hands as the butterflies in my stomach were becoming worse.

“I don’t know if I can do this…” I replied to John, his dark black hair falling into his glimmering green eyes. He looked so calm, so confident about what we were about to do.

“You’ll be fine!” Josh encouraged from behind me. I turned to see him standing with Vinnie, both of them also looked so calm and collected as they tuned their guitars. They’d even taken time with their appearance, just like John.

I sighed a deep sigh and walked over to a small mirror hanging from the brick walls and stared into my reflection, I had just turned 18. Being the youngest out of the four this meant we could finally begin playing at clubs, instead of the garage where we’d practiced for the last 3 years.
And as I looked at the scared girl who’s jet black hair was deathly straight and icy blue eyes were enhanced by mass amounts of eyeliner, I felt like my mind had fled my body.

This would be the first time we would ever perform in front of a real audience. Hella’s debut. No more practicing in John and Josh’s parents garage.

“You guys are on in five.” A tuff looking man had opened the door of the small dressing room to tell us. We nodded and followed him to the side of the small stage where we’d be performing on in just a few minutes.

The stage seemed like it was another world, the stage lights where shining down over John’s drum kit as you could hear the small crowd talking just beyond the stage. We were the opening act, there was another band who were playing after us. A well known band around Melbourne, I didn’t even remember their name, but those people, they were there to see them. Not us. And that scared the hell out of me. What if they hate us?

“Ok. Your on.” The man told us, and the boys quickly ran out onto the stage full of energy. Josh got into his place and smiled at the audience before realising that I was still at the side of the stage, glued to the spot in fear.
He issued me to come out, I shook my head, my heart was pumping faster. Now both John and Vinnie were also waiting. The crowd was getting restless, I could hear them, waiting. Waiting for what? For me.

I forced my stiff legs to move, walking to the middle of the stage and tightly gripping the microphone standing before me. The lights shone into my eyes, making it hard to see the waiting faces of the crowd. My whole body was shaking and my knees buckling. Clinging to the microphone was the only thing that was keeping me standing up.

“Hey. I’m Del…and we are Hella.” I squeaked into the microphone, my voice completely escaping me. The audience didn’t say anything, they were waiting. Just waiting.

Beside me Josh began to play the guitar riff into our first song, followed shortly after by the white blond headed boy on base and soon the drums. Then me. Then I’d have to open my mouth and sing. I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t. If I sang, what would they think of me? Just another worthless musician who can’t even sing. Just a fucked up girl who had nothing ahead of her, and led a worthless life? What if I failed at this too?

“Let me go I can’t take this anymore,” I began to sing the words, my voice soft. The crowd began to respond. “I don’t want to live a life of bleeding on the floor..” The crowd began to move to the music as the words began to flow from my mouth. I knew them so well, I knew this song so well. Every note, every beat.

I sang the rest of the first verse, the crowd were beginning to whistle as the chorus was coming up. The butterflies were vanishing in my stomach as I kept singing.

“You’re heart is like a black hole.” I continued singing, my voice becoming louder. More confident, and then suddenly, adrenaline burst into my system, pumping through my veins as the crowd grew louder and Josh’s guitar became louder, faster. “You swallow me, You smother me.” I sang louder into the microphone. The music filling my body, changing me. “Until I can’t breath anymore.”

The music had taken over my system, blocking out all my troubles, all my nerves and everything I hated about myself. All that was left was the music and me. I felt like a different person, I wasn’t the troubled lost Del. I was brave, confident. Not a problem in the world. And as the drums continued to become faster, and the rhythm, louder I was happier. Flying on air as I poured every emotion into the microphone, coming out through the words and into the crowd in front of me which were now cheering, for me, for Hella. They loved us.

I opened my eyes and pulled away from Josh and looked into his eyes. My life had never been easy, but he’d always been there for me, To catch me when I fell.

“I don’t think I can do this.” I whispered, hot tears filling my eyes and blurring him from my vision.

"What?" His eyes just blew with confusion.

"I don't know... If I can do this anymore," he stood up and looked at me. "I keep coming back to this same state of mind, in the same place; on the bathroom floor ripping myself to shreds."

"No, no... Don't you dare even think of doing this to me again. The last time scarred me for life."

I watched as my veins started to show up in my arm. I still wasn't satisfied with them, so I tightened the strap around my arm, almost cutting off all my circulation.

I'm just trying to find my happiness. I kept telling myself, just convincing and persuading myself that this was the right thing to do. I knew exactly why I was trying.

Because I didn't know how to handle things, how to over come stress, pain and anxiety. I was growing up too fast, I had my life stripped from me. I had become a grown up before my time, I had never had the chance to feel what it was like to be a kid without any cares in the world. The dreams I had made up for myself were quickly dissolving in the fast world as I hit the ground running, too quick for my own good. This ignorance I had placed myself in was an addiction: something I could not break free from.

I heard the bath tap running with icy water, waiting for it to fill the bath tub up.

It's never going to happen, I'm just too fucking stupid to get myself out into reality. No one had the dream I had: to get out of here, to play music for the rest of my life, and, to never worry about anything ever again. He's right... We're just a shit band who won't get anywhere. I told myself again and again. But we have to try. That's what I told him. I need a break from this... I need to be someone else.

I held the needle up in front of my eyes. Filled with pleasure and morphine, I pressed it and watched the bubbles disappear as a bit liquidated the fact that I would be mixing it with my own blood.

Anxiety had over come my entire body, it was too over whelming. I should stop it all; otherwise it'll keep going on and on.

I did it. I slid the point of the needle into my vein, but before I pushed it in further.

"Del? Are you in there? We have band prac in ten. You told me to come pick you up, remember?" Please Josh, just leave. I didn't know what to tell him, I didn't know if I would ever be coming out of this bathroom again.

"I'll be a minute, ah... Just wait." Lying to him was harder than doing this; however, never getting to see his face again was the hardest part of all.

"Okay, don't take long though... I'll wait right here, to remind you to hurry the fuck up," I heard him say with a little laugh. Not even a joke could make me put a fake smile on, it was as if I had sold my soul and couldn't feel anymore.

I pushed it in and I felt a cold rush run up my arm, it hit my head at the speed of light. "No need, just wait out side." My voice squeaked. My legs began to buckle as my eyes began to get heavy. My back hit the locked door and I found my self sliding to the floor.

"Del?" The door knocked. "Are you alright in there?" I slowly loose control of all my senses as my body went into slow motion.

"Fucking fine, just go and wait in the car!" I yelled. I don't know if he didn't answer or I couldn't hear him.

My body was begging for more, just begging for an extra slow down and shut of my system.

I saw the other needle laying on the counter top. Do it, quickly. I got up and stumbled over to it. My head was spinning and spinning, I spat laughter as I picked the needle up.

"Whirly whirly..." I sang to myself with a stupid grin. The needle was placed firmly in the palm of my hand as I looked into the mirror. Faceless, gutless wonder. "Stop fucking staring at me! I wish you were fucking dead!" I histed at my own reflection. "You're fucking gutless."

I found myself pushing the steel point of the needle into my innocent vein; grazing it, making a bruise appear immediately. Although I knew my vein would be destroyed, I still pump my venom into my no longer warm blood.

I can't stay on your life support, there's a
shortage in the switch,
I can't stay on your morphine, cause its making me itch.

My body had taken a lethal bullet, causing me to collapse and hit the edge of the bath. I fell into the ice inside the bath, it made me feel warm, as if I belonged there. I couldn't bring myself up, I was gasping for air under water. My eyes rolled back into my head and I shook and left my body.

Run just as fast as I can
To the middle of nowhere
To the middle of my frustrated fears
And I swear you're just like a pill
Stead of makin' me better, you keep makin' me ill
__

"Del! Please! Please! Just fucking wake up!" It's time to wake up. You have a life to live. My body was being shook, my eyes had unrolled themselves. I felt my chest drowning in water as I opened them. "Oh fucking thank God!" I looked up at Josh, who was cradling me. All of a sudden, I started to choke on the water drowning me from the inside. "Just cough it up!" He screamed at me in panic. I saw his stained eyes filled tears as he hit my back repeatedly, until had coughed up all of the deadly water.

I haven't moved from the spot where you left me
This must be a bad trip
All of the other pills, they were different
Maybe I should get some help...

"You have no idea how hard it was for me seeing you like that, that day." He said as he turned around, but just before he did, I saw his eyes go red. "I was so scared when I called for you and you didn't answer... I was so scared that I just started to kick the door in, you saw how torn down it was!"

"Josh-"

"-Let me finish!" He hissed, trying to stay as quiet as possible even though he was angry. So angry, that he was crying. "When I finally got through the fucking door... I saw those needle lying on the floor... The water from the bath was flooding, and I walked over... And saw you in it, not breathing. You were so pale that you were almost the same colour as the water. It was like those fucking movies! Del, it scared the shit out of me..." I didn't know what to say.
"My best friend, the only person to accept me for who I was... drowning... And no matter what I do, that site of you like that, will always be in my head."

What have I done? Why do I have to be so selfish?

"I did it because I was drowning inside... I didn't know what to do," I told him, hoping and praying that he would understand. But, I don't think he did by the tears he showed. I couldn't help but yelp while covering my mouth as my own tears escaped.
He turned around and caught me in a hug.

"Promise me, don't do it again. The next time I see you, I don't want you to be in a coffin." He whispered.

"I don't know if I can do that." His hug got tighter before he let me go.

"I tried to get you help, I tried to help you... But you don't want it, so now, I'm gonna get everyone to watch you at every minute of the day and night." He said to me, looking stern and straightened up.

"Oh no, no,no,no! I don't want anyone knowing about this shit!"

"I can't do this on my own if you need to be looked after!" He hissed.

"I don't need to be lo-"

"You're really being selfish here, you're just, becoming... Insane." He hesitated to say.
I didn't know what to say back. "You're just thinking of your pain again. How would you feel if I killed myself?" As if I needed to go with you. I wanted to say, but couldn't.

It had been decided, Josh was going to tell Emma, and Emma was going to tell everyone that I spent most of my time with. And that included Frankie, who no doubt, would be instructed to tell the rest of My Chem -especially Gerard- They would treat me with extra care... As if I was in a mental institution.

I hadn't slept that night, I just laid in my bunk, looking at the wall in front of my eyes. I couldn't think; there wasn't any reason for me too.

As soon as the sun rose and the bus had park into the parking lot of the new venue, I rushed into the bathroom and had a warm shower. But, Josh was at the door, talking to me every five seconds asking me what I was doing.
I dressed myself, and I had to tell him. I was brushing my hair, and I had to tell him. I was putting my make up on, and I had to tell him.

I see no changes. I walk up in the morning and I ask myself;
Is life worth living? Should I blast myself?

I sat at the table, staring into outer space, waiting for the time to go by until our show. I was craving the on stage me; the feeling of freedom.

The sounds of the active bus didn't faze me at all. Why should I even bother? I asked myself as I heard the laughter of John and Vinnie. Vinnie had started to play this bass line which snapped me out of everything, I had never heard it before. It gave me a shiver and an inspiration to write something down. But my mind refused to let go of the grip it had me in.

I looked out the window and saw Josh, talking to Emma.

I felt pathetic, utterly pathetic.

Then, after a few minutes, I saw all of My Chem, standing in front of Emma as she spoke to them with Josh by her side. Worried expression spread across their faces. Give me a break. I couldn't help but think of how stupid it was. They had to tell them about how fucked up I am... Being fucked up is stupid enough in itself.

My eyes were lazily staring at them all through the tinted window. I saw his eyes looking at me for a second, then quickly turning away. Can't even look me in the eye.

My eyes didn't even realize they had all left when they did. I kept my eyes glued to the same spot for the next hour or too. I just kept trying to figure out what was wrong with me, why I was this way and why I couldn't snap out of it. Does Gerard really affect me this bad? I asked myself. Did he start the fire or just put gas on it?

"Um, guys?" My head slowly turned to Emma's entering voice. "Bad news... The shows been cancelled, they are having electrical problems with the entire venue." Ha, great... My freedom for today -my anti drug- taken away.

"What?!" John shot out. "What the fuck?! Fuckin' hell! We've been waiting for hours to play!"

"Aw man, this fucking sucks," Vinnie added.

"I know, I know. But, at least you guys can have the day off... Actually, Mikey suggested that we all go out for dinner somewhere tonight, and I think that would be nice," she said, sweetly smiling at me. I weakly smiled back and went back to my site of the window in my blank mind.

"Yeah, that sounds like a good idea." Josh agreed, probably looking at me.

"Okay, so it's settled... I'll go tell My Chem."

Fucking hell. How typically American. I always hated sitting down at the table and eating dinner with other people.

"Gah, how gay," John whined as he threw a drumstick at the wall.

"I think it'll be pretty cool... We haven't eaten at an American restaurant before," I heard Vinnie's positive side speak.

"Me too. What do ya think Del?" My head turned to Josh as he asked me.

"Yeah, cool."

I had no idea what I had done all day, but I did something to make the time go by. To be honest, I don't know where my brain is. Did it just jump out of body and run off back home?

"Del! We're leaving in a fucking half hour! So dress up and come outside!" I heard Josh yell from outside of the bus.
I sighed in frustration and grunted as I threw clothes from my suitcase and to the floor.

"Hey..." I looked up and saw Vinnie standing like a six year old.

"Hi," I smiled weakly at him. I really can't remember the last time Vinnie and I had spoken alone.

"How are you?" He asked, looking at me.

"I'm okay, you know, the usual. You?"

"This conversation is as if we just met..."

"I realized that too." I actually smiled. "I really don't know what to wear, I've probably wore everything in here about 3 times."

"Why don't you wear this?" He asked, picking up a black overall skirt thing.

"I haven't worn this in a year," I said, taking it. I smelt it and scanned it. "It's probably the only clean thing I have..." I watched as Vinnie turned away. He went to his own suitcase and took out something. He came back to me and held out the purple shirt I had been jealous of.

"Wear this under it." I took it and smiled.

"Thanks." I said gratefully, still with the first smile in hours.

"No problem, now get dressed and hurry up."

I stepped off the bus, the cold wind hitting the bare skin on my legs. The skirt thing only went just below my knees, then my long socks just below that.
I looked at my worn out army boots as I started to walk over to the talking group of people before me. I crossed my arms tightly and let the wind blow at me. The sky grew darker than normal because of the gray clouds covering the sunset, they seemed to be pink, but purple at the same time.

"Yay! We can go!" Mikey yelled as they all turned around and looked at me. I yet again weakly smiled. From the place I was standing at; looking at the group felt strange, as if I didn't belong.

"Emma's gone to get the van," I was informed by Ray, who was smiling at me.

Why am I the odd one out?

At the corner of my eye, I saw a familiar figure running out from the My Chem bus. With that, I felt a hit of a feeling of home.

"Finally! What the fuck took you so long Gerard?" Frankie asked. My eye caught his for the second time today as I stood a distance away from the group; who probably wondered why I wasn't standing with them. Why am I? I began to walk over to where Josh was standing. He smiled at me as I rested my tired head on his shoulder. He was having a conversation with Ray about what guitar he uses. I closed my eyes and felt Josh's arm wrap around my shoulder. I was just too weak to act as if everything was normal, because clearly everything wasn't.

"She's cutie pie, isn't she?" I couldn't help but concentrate my hearing in the direction of Frank and Gerard.

"Yeah, she is." What? His voice and words swelled inside my already swirling mind; causing me to feel a tingle in the pit of my stomach, as if butterflies had exploded from a supernova.

"Finally! She's here!" My head lifted up and I saw a van coming towards us.

____

I watched as they all began to take their seats at the large table in front of me. Do I dare sit down? I guess I did. Josh was sat next to me and Ray was sat on the other side, so they could continue their forever going conversation. I looked straight ahead, and watched Gerard sit down in the seat opposite to me. I couldn't help but feel happy, but extremely angry at the same time. He turned to talk to Mikey who was two seats down from him. I stared at his pale and fragile face. He reminded me of porcelain doll; pretty, but if you break the rules and touch. You will pay for it.

I just wanted to put a warning sticker on him. DO NOT TOUCH. MAY BREAK AND CUT YOU WHILE YOU PICK UP THE PIECES. or DO NOT TOUCH UNLESS YOU WANT YOUR HEART TO MELT AND BREAK IN HALF.

I watched as everyone were in conversation, I didn't dare begin one; the topic of why the fuck are you so fucked up in the head? would come up. So, I just faded to white and watched.
Soon, the Italian food was being sat down before us in gold rimmed plates.

"Josh," I nudged at Josh's side.

"What?" He turned his attention to me. I opened my mouth to say what I had to say, but my eye caught Gerard's, so I turned to Josh's ear.

"You know I hate eating dinner with people...I feel so fucking nervous... And this being a fancy Italian restaurant isn't helping me to calm them," I whispered.

"Don't worry, it's just like having dinner with family." He said, carelessly. I sighed deeply, hoping that it would push down my frustration at his comment. I've never had a fucking family to eat dinner with. I found myself wanted to scream out at the top of my lungs.

I watched as everyone ate, their conversation making me feel like breaking down. I was invisible. I wanted to be, but then I didn't want to be.

I hate this, I hate this, I hate this! Why can't they understand that this makes me uncomfortable?! Am I over reacting? No, I'm not used to eating with a 'happily ever after- family.

I could never sit down and eat with other people: I didn't know how to act, what people would be thinking and what they would think of me.

I stared down at the plate of food in front of me. There was no way in hell I was going to eat this. My knee leg started to shake uncontrollably. I looked up and he was looking at me, the gleam in his eye sparkled into my site, telling me that he knew how I was feeling and what I was thinking. And, I was thinking of just getting up, and leaving. I wanted to go to the stage and scream at the top my lungs, jump around and sing like it was the last time I would ever be standing on the stage.

"I'm going for a smoke." I finally said, standing up and walking in the direction of the front exit.

"Wait!" I turned around and saw Emma stopping me. "Um, wouldn't you like someone to go with you?" You mean, wouldn't I like someone to make sure I don't run away?

"Okay," I said, not really in any interest.

"Good. Anyone want to go and smoke with her?"

"I'm not really wanting one..."

"Me neither."

"Same."

"Okay! I'll just go and have one myself," I said, almost wanting to scream at them all. I was just annoyed at how annoyed I had become at everything.

"Wait! I'll come," I stopped in my tracks, but didn't turn around. Please, just leave me alone... I don't want to break again and have to pick it all up. I kept walking.

I stepped out onto the pavement which was wet. I looked up and saw a purple sky lined with streetlights shinning at them. Little droplets of rain hit my skin like acid, almost waking me up from my coma.

I heard the door open, so I stepped back out from the rain. I lit up a smoke and let my lung die for the sweet relaxant.

He stood next to me under the tin covering above our heads. I had always loved the sound the rain would make when it would hit tin roofs, reminded me of how well I would fall asleep when it was raining back home.

I took another deep drag of my smoke. It calmed me down, but, then again smoking didn't have the calming effect on me as much as it used to. I could almost feel the heat from his body through the chilling air, so, maybe that calmed me down.

There was a comfortable silence between us while we smoked. The smoke drifted in the air, and it mixed with his... Drawing cartoons...

"Emma told us about you today." Why was I so stupid to think that he wouldn't bring it up?

"Cool." I felt the nerves rush into my blood cells, they never end.

"I can't help but know that this is my fault," his voice was soft, as if I could sleep upon them. I looked at him, his eyes already on me. You just think you can walk into my soul anytime of the fucking day and take over it, don't you? He waited for me to say something, but he didn't know that I wasn't going to reply. "It was stupid of me to do that to you last night, I regret backing away the way I did." You don't regret coming closer to me? "I don't regret almost kissing you." Fuck you. I looked at him. A little drop of rain hit his bottom lip, gracefully.

I had to say something, anything. "Why is it that soon as you know that I can be hurt, you change the way act towards me?" he wiped the innocent little drop away from his lip and looked at me, with nothing to say. "Exactly." I almost spat as I threw the butt to the ground.

"Why is it that when I try to say sorry for being an asshole for hurting you in the way that I did, you have to go back to being the angry Del?" My eyes shot to him, I just wanted them to throw daggers at him.

"Because that's what you asked for." I glared, fear filling his eyes. "You don't know this, but I promised myself to give you what you wanted, and that was the bitch you only saw of me. I even let you see a side of me you hadn't seen before, and you ruined it and made me hurt like you wouldn't believe. You refused to have any acceptance or even some kind of tolerance for who I really am."

He looked away and took a drag of his smoke, I could see him collecting his thoughts. My own thoughts were of just breaking my promise, and give into him. He would never know how much I wanted that.

"You're stubborn."

"And I'm also not caring much. Also, I came out here to smoke, not have a conversation with the person who is meant to keep watch over me, just in case I go run in front of a car on purpose." His eyes looked as if I had just stabbed him. Why do I have to be this harsh?

Silence fell over both of us, letting me listen to the rain. I didn't look at him and he didn't look at me. I had to smoke again, so I lit another one up.

"You know what I like about you the most?" Don't look at him. "That there is so much I don't know about you, but you are always making me want to know everything about who you are." Just run, now. I started to walk away. "Del! Where are you going?!"

"Far away from the fire you started!"