This, Is Getting Over You

Chapter 8: Some Bad Romance Movie

My feet were picking up speed, rebounding off the damp pavement below me with small thuds. All common sense had left my mind, and now I was just running. Running somewhere, anywhere. I had no idea where I was going, just away from it all, and away from him.

I heard his voice call my name from behind me, telling me to stop. I just ran faster. I can’t take it anymore, I don’t want the emotions, the problems, the heartache. I just don’t want to be me. Not Del, anyone but Del. I just want to escape.

The rain began to fall harder from the night sky. Each raindrop heavier than the last stinging my skin as my feet thrashed through the puddles of dirty water. The sky was crying. It was almost as if it was crying for me, so then I wouldn’t have to. My skirt was soaked and lapping around my knees like an invisible wind as my legs led me in an unknown direction, back in the direction we had come in the van. Where am I going?

The pavement suddenly turned into grass and my mind returned to my body as I found myself back in the wet and muddy venue grounds, the buses parked along the horizon. My feet had carried me for a long time as my body had taken control and my heart now pounded rapidly in my chest, and I gasped desperately for air. I felt no pain, not even in my legs which had been carrying me for god knows how long. I was numb.

I glanced down at my soaked body, my clothes clung desperately to my body as the cold atmosphere from the rain had caused goosebumps to explode over my skin, even through my clothing. My jet black hair was plastered to my skull, the fine strands of hair clumping together over my eyes. I didn’t care.

Taking control again, my body began running towards the metallic gathering of buses ahead of me. There was no sign of life as the wet weather had clouded the sky with its misery.
As my feet thrashed themselves along the muddy grass, Hella’s now all too familiar bus came into view. Isn’t it funny how human intuition takes over and leads you back to the place where you want to be the most. The bus was the closest thing I had to home.

My legs were working hard as I reached the bus parked away from the others and parked next to it, the home of a person I’d rather avoid.
The palms of my hands collided with the icy metal surface, propelling the rest of my body forward and pressing itself against the bus. Trying to catch my breath as I rested the side of my head against the metal, my pale cheeks pressed against its icy cold surface as I closed my eyes and small tears escaped from them as emotion began to flood my body.

I scrambled through the dark and over to the bus door, trying to figure out how to open it with my wet hands. it was no use, it had been locked and wouldn’t be open until they returned from the restaurant.

“Fuck you!” I screamed, kicking the door and sending shock wave vibrations through my legs from the impact. Anger. The first emotion.

“Open dammit!” I screamed again, now clenching my fists and thrashing them against the hard door and sending shockwaves through my arms. Why did it have to be locked! I just wanted to scream and kick it down, I wanted to be inside….but If I was inside, I’d probably find myself on that bathroom floor once again.

“Open…..!” I moaned with one last effort, and bashing my fist against the door before falling into it, the anger being replaced by a new emotion. Pain
“Please…” I whispered weakly to the door, as if it had the power to open itself, tears escaping my eyes and mixing with the raindrops on my pale skin as I slid to the muddy ground below.

The water soaked further into my clothes as I sat like a ragdoll on the ground, the water running down my face from the heavy rain. My body was bursting with emotion, but too confused for each emotion to be defined. I was angry, depressed, sad, hurt and confused all at once. My heart denied me to feel any joy or happiness as my mind remained clouded. He was all I could think about. One man did this; Gerard. Gerard fucking Way.

There is so much I don't know about you, but you are always making me want to know everything about who you are. His last words rung clearly in my mind, making me mad. Why did he always change his mind! First off, he hates my guts, then he kisses me, then he ignores me, then he almost kisses me- but backs away, now he wants to know everything about me? I ran through the list in my mind, my tears becoming heavier, matching the fall of the rain as sobs began to escape my chest.

I couldn’t stand him, but he was all I wanted. Why was my heart doing this to me!? Playing with my emotions, making me even more fucked up then I already am.

“Haven’t you put me through enough!” I opened my eyes and screamed fiercely into the dark sky above, drops of rains falling directly into my face stingy my eyes and probably furthering the paths of black mascara down my cheeks. My skin began to itch and I started restlessly clawing at my clothing, paranoid of being in my own skin. Angry at myself for falling for him. Despising my life. How could I have been so blind? I didn't even know who I was anymore, or even where I was. I just can't stand it, he is always in my mind, just pouring acid all over it.

Pulling off the boots I was wearing and tearing off my socks then throwing them away. But I wasn’t satisfied. I could so easily think of touching or kissing him, but when it came to thinking of how he made me feel, it was as if I was burning. My mind swelled with this indescribable angst and rage, it was putting me through agony, forcing me to shake and force out cries which would make every part of me sore; as if I wanted to take the acid from his god forsaken hands and pour it on myself.

“Why me?” I screamed through the pain, now turning my rage onto my body. Clawing at the innocent skin of my arms and pulling at the black strands of hair which clung to my face. I was so angry that all I could do was cry. There was no novocaine to save me.

”Promise me, don't do it again. The next time I see you, I don't want you to be in a coffin." The scared voice of Josh joined my mind, multiplying the pain. I wanted to end it all, right there, right then. But I didn’t want to hurt Josh, but I wanted to escape Gerard. I was helpless. My body had already surrendered and all I could do was sit there, as I looked up to the rain, just asking it for answers. I am so helpless, to the fact that all I can do is cry.

I wanted to tear my heart out of my chest, it confused me too much. I don’t need it, nor do I want it. Clinging restlessly at the collar of the purple top Vinnie had lent me, the thin fabric tore. Peeling away from my skin as a large tear ran its way across the front. The feelings, why won’t they just go away? Why did he have to do this to me? Eating away at my soul like an unwanted parasite, tainting my thoughts. I had no concentration on anything.

I rested back onto the metal door, softly hitting my head against its surface, speeding up after a while. Repeatedly muttering to myself. “Why? Why? Why? Why?” My mind refused to allow me to think clearly. I need an escape.

The cold started to drill into my body like daggers as my body began to shiver uncontrollably. The sudden urge to scream filled my chest. I was being tortured by my own body, wanting to escape, wanting to break free. How could I let someone get to me? He was my personal form of ecstasy. It was wrong to keep thinking about him, we barely knew much about each other…but I couldn’t stop. He was an addiction, slowing tearing away at my sanity as I found myself sitting in the rain, gasping for breaths through the sobbing and crying as anger and confusion brewed under the surface of my skin and through my blood.

An uncontrollable rage suddenly burst from my heart out of no where, and I began screaming. All the pain and anger coming out through my lungs as I pulled my knees into my chest and clutched on tight, the screaming filling out the silence, there was still no other soul around, I was alone. Shaking uncontrollably, screaming and crying, in the pouring rain.

My lungs gave up, caving in as I couldn’t scream anymore. The anger I’d felt towards myself had been released into the misty air as I released my knees and collapsed further into the soggy grass. The cold ground chilling my face as I tightly shut my eyes and cried away my soul, wishing I could be somewhere else.

“Del…” It had felt like forever has passed when the soft voice rang angelically into my ears.

Step one you say we need to talk
He walks you say sit down it's just a talk
He smiles politely back at you
You stare politely right on through.


I forced my eyes open, the wet blades of grass grazing themselves against my skin as I gently moved my head, trying to adjust my blurred vision so I could see his features.

“Del…” He whispered my name again, reaching forward and gently caressing my soaked cheeks, sending electrifying chills through my entire body. My body was so numb, and so cold I couldn’t find any effort inside my body to move or speak and push him away so I wouldn’t have to face him. “It took me so long to find you.” My drug had followed me.

Some sort of window to your right
As he goes left and you stay right
Between the lines of fear and blame
You begin to wonder why you came


My eyes came into focus as the rain continued to fall from the sky, but all I could do was look right through him, like he was some kind of ghost. Even though he was here; on his knees, in front of me, in the pouring rain. His own black hair clinging to his skull and his clothing soaked through.
Reaching one pale arm in my direction he lightly grabbed my wrist and pulled my almost lifeless body back into a sitting position. I felt numb, I really had cried away my soul on the ground and it had left me an empty shell. Our eyes met and I could see his red stained eyes. Had he cried for me?

Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend
Somewhere along in the bitterness
And I would have stayed up with you all night
Had I known how to save a life


I couldn’t find any emotion left in my doll-like body to feel sorry for him, and suddenly I found myself wrapped in the warmth of his arms. The ryhtym of his heart matching my own, beating in perfect unison like they were one, and the warmth of his body slowly breathing life back into my own.

My skin began to crawl with cold shivers. Where did I go wrong? Why was I acting like this? I asked myself, forgetting why I was crying, and all because of his arms wrapping around me.

"You can't be out here in the rain," he told me in a whisper. Resist all temptation.

"I don't care, it's where I belong," my teeth began to chatter as his grip of me got tighter. I know now why i am this way; because I'm fucked up, over him.

"I don't care where you think you belong," he started. I felt my body being lifted, "you don't have a clue where you belong," he finished. He almost had me over his shoulder as he lifted me up. My body went into alarm. Don't let him push you around.

"Get you're fucking hands off me!" I screamed, trying to push him away. But, it was useless, he had me. He had me alright.

"Don't bother," he said as he struggled to move me, but I wanted to stay strong and not let him get the best of me. He knows how fragile I am, so why let him take advantage?

"Fucking hell! You don't own me! If I want to drown in the fucking rain, let me!" I screamed at the top of my lung; as if I were a child screaming for a doll I claimed I needed.

He had gotten the best of me. No matter how hard I tried, my body just gave into weakness time and time again as he lifted me up and put me over his shoulders. "This is some fucking movie! Put me down!" I kicked and screamed. I could tell each hit would sting him, but, he didn't complain. Why do you have to be this fucking way?!

My eyes were closed as I gave up, the only way I could tell that we were out of the rain and into the warmth, was that I couldn't feel the clouds' tears anymore. I was happy that he did; but I couldn't show him that I was. It had become a disgusting habit; telling him things I didn't want to tell.
With each step he took, I could hear his own own tears. Had he finally realized what he had done? If he hasn't, I'll mix my tears with his and show him on a silver plater, just for him.

My eyes had opened when he laid me down on the soft couch. I had realized that we were in the My Chem bus, unable to break each others gaze. But, he did. He quickly turned away, wiped his eyes and got a blanket from one of the bunks. Did I realize what I had done?

I watched him through my crying eyes as he forcibly wrapped it around me. It was funny how I had to watch his every move, but not knowing why.

I snapped my gaze away from him and to my hands; which were pale and almost to the point of having frost bite. There was a silence I knew all to well as I scanned myself. Tears dropped onto my skin; some what, making me feel warm.

"Why?" I looked up at him, he broke the ice so confidently, he knew the silence could kill us both. He was looking right into my eyes, questioning every aspect of me.

"Why what?" I began. "Why am I so fucked up? Why do I act like a five your old kid? Why is the sky blue?" I almost spat. He sighed and retreated to the seat at the table across from me.

"Why do we have to be this way towards each other?" His eyes told me he wasn't going to kick me to the ground anymore. I took my eyes from him and to another place, just trying to act as if I was fine.

"It's you," I slowly looked at him. And, I couldn't believe the look on his face. The look of -what have I done?- There was more silence as I watched him gather up his thoughts. I just hoped he was just as hurt and confused as I was.

"I'm not a jerk, y'know."

"Do I take you seriously, or do I laugh?" I asked as my eyes felt like burning him. How could you say that? Look at me, you being the jerk you are, ruined me.

"You take me seriously." Why does he have to say the right thing at the worst time? He stood up and looked out the window, away from me. "Every person I come across thinks I'm perfect. This one time, these girls came up to me saying how proud they were of me, because I had gotten through all this shit and came out the other side and on top of the world. And, in all honesty, I felt as if it was true... But then I met you," my mind was crashing. Just end it there. "The day I pushed you in the mud, I felt like an idiot. All I could think about after it was: why the hell do I have to fuck up like that? Why can't I live up to the standard of what people put me as?[/ii] The next day, I told myself to go to you and plead for you to say it's okay, it was just an accident, but when I saw you... I couldn't," I finally saw his eyes, they were glistening as the light bounced from them into mine. For some reason, my anger and pain were replaced with wondering how I could tell him what I wanted to say.

"I don't believe you. I don't believe a single word you say," I stood up and told him. He looked back at me and opened his mouth.

"I've been through hell and back, don't ever think for one second that what I say isn't true, because I know how it feels to be lied to." It was becoming redundant, I don't want his words to seep into me and make me believe that all of this as true for one second.

"You've been through hell and back, but I fucking live there," I could see what he was feeling change.

"Why do you always have to fucking make it out as if you are the only one to have every felt like shit?! Why don't you just tell me the truth about how you really feel," the sarcasm spilled from his lips. I threw the blanket to the ground and took a step closer to him breathing anger right in his face.

"Coming from Mr. I'm perfect because I've been through hell...You want the truth? Well you'll fucking get it!" I spat, feeling my heart race because of the stress and confusion as to if I should really say what needs to be said. I couldn't stop, "you are just so fucking perfect that I'm jealous of you... Looking at you from the bad side as you stand perfectly on the good side, away from hell." I almost screamed at him, I hated it more than ever. I'm a completely selfish child. "And, I fucking like you! Okay?! I fucking like you! I'm attracted to you!" I screamed yet again. I couldn't look at him, the fear of wondering how he would react to my ignorance of lust and confusion to how I felt about him. I felt the weight of the world being lifted from my shoulders. I finally fucking said it!

"What?" Why couldn't I stop thinking about how much I wanted to touch him? To feel his lips pressed against mine. But why was he so confused and surprised?

"Don't you get it?! I fucking like you!" I was pleading for him to feel the same. But, he didn't say anything. "I know I was a fuck face to you, but it was the only way to act around you." He became more confused.

"I don't get it... You like me, so you had to be a fucker?" Why can't you understand it? I sighed, I couldn't be angry anymore; it was all my fault it had gotten this far, so why should I blame him? I'm the one I should be screaming at.

"I feel like giving up when I look at you. I can't adjust to what I have, and what I've been through... It's just, I hate you for being perfect and making me feel like I need you, too know what it feels like to be perfect." His eyes looked to the floor; almost as if he felt guilty. "But I'm scared, I know that I can never be perfect with you. Because, I'm so far from perfect, it's just not funny."

Silence the room as my nerves broke me down with each second. I was afraid of looking at him. What if he is laughing at how pathetic I am? Why bother hating him? Its myself I hate more.

You don't mean nothing at all to me.
You don't know what it takes to set me free.


My eyes couldn't help but pull away from the spot on the ground and look at him.

And there he was; the person I had just admitted all my feelings to. The worst person to say it to. I felt like I had a head without screws in it.

He watched me, emotionless expression spread across his face smoothly, making me want to say; please, just forget I ever existed.

He took a step closer, and my heart got even closer. My hands were shaking and the shock wasn't there just yet. His hand touch my cheek and there was, the shock as set in. My heart beat kept going faster and faster.

"And you're not perfect to me?" he whispered so softly and sweetly just as his lips grazed against mind, but not yet touching to the extent I wanted them to. His thumb wiped one of my tears from cheek so softly, that it could of made me instantly go insane. "Y'know why I didn't act the way I really wanted to?" He whispered, making the nerves from my stomach crack through my veins and into my lungs and out my breath.

"Why?" I squeaked. He was so close that I could feel all the energy from him, go into me. Wait... Did he just say he was acting as if he hated me?

"Because I wanted to see if you could be whoever you wanted to be around me... Other girls would have tried to kiss my ass, but you didn't. You're so different, so imperfectly perfect and so sexy that you make me nervous." The best way to kill me, is saying that. I couldn't speak, I couldn't believe or at least understand why he had said that. I was frozen, my heart was shaking. I looked down as I felt his hand slip so gently, making me look up and pray that his lips were going be with mine. He was so close that his lips just attracted to mine. Just like magnets.

"No, this isn't supposed to happen. You're meant to say that you wished I never existed," I shook his hand away from my face, shaking my head. Just because I said it, didn't mean it was true. He laughed and turned my face to him, he gently moved me closer.

"Really? I'm thinking the exact opposite." I watched him smile. Opposite magnets attract. "Please..." Closer, "just..." closer, "one..." My eyes had closed and I felt his drug pump my veins, making me crave more and more as his lips swiftly moved with mine. I need you more than any other drug. He pulled away from me, his eyes looking straight into mine, "kiss."

I looked at him, the rain began to pour down and I could hear it. I couldn't help but smile and say; "the things I do for you," as I crashed onto his lips. I felt him smile as we became inseparable. My hand traveled up his chest and to his skin and his neck. His lips making my own dry; he knew exactly what to do. I need you more than anything. I began to want more control as I turned him around towards the couch. I could barely move without him being on my lips, and that's how I wanted it. His chest was once again pushed up against mine, with his hips clinging to mine, just like his lips. His hands slid down from my cheeks and to my arms, making the water from the drops of rain turn into steam.

He pulled away and gasped for air. "Rain maker," he grinned as his chest moved in unison with mine.

"I love that song," I grinned back and rushed straight back to his lips. My tongue couldn't help but want to taste his lip, so they did and I wasn't disappointed. All of a sudden, he pulled away, he hands moved back up my arms and to the side my neck. His eyes were shinning silver as I felt his lips slip away from my mouth and to the shiver skin on my neck. Oh shit... I was trembling and my legs almost gave in. He was softly sliding his lips with kisses upon my neck. He knows my weakness. My cheek connected with his, as I couldn't stand it, I needed him more than ever now. I pulled away and slightly pushed him back and onto the couch behind him. He sat, gasping for needed air as he looked up to me. I was shivering and I couldn't stand the waiting seconds. I quickly put one leg after the other so that his legs were in between my own, which were almost kneeling; as if I was praying to him for what I felt I needed so badly. They connected so well, making me feel the urge even more. I crashed onto his lips, letting my hands cup his face.

I felt his hands under my skirt and travel up the skin on my thighs. My lips were higher than his, but it soon changed. I could feel him change, as if he was telling me something that he hadn't said before.
I felt my body being lifted, then, he was lying right onto of me. He was still in between my weak legs. I loved the feeling of being so close to him, I just wanted to sink straight into him.
His lips slid away and started to skip across my neck. "You know that I can't resist that, don't you?" He lifted his head, his hair messier than before because I couldn't help but love the texture of it. He was grinning evilly at me.

"I could tell by the way your heart beat raced."

"You're such a tool," I grinned back, he laugh and kissed me again, but harder.

We began to get faster, and wanting to get to the point. But, what point was it?

His kisses began to become more wet, his hands kept making me spin no matter where they had placed themselves. It had gotten to the point, where we needed more.
He pulled away, I watched as he bit his bottom lip. His eyes scanning my face as I felt his chest firmly pressed against mine, his heart beat just as fast as mine. He was asking me to give in to what I knew I wanted all along. I put my hand on the back of his neck and kissed him, softly, with one touch. "Yes."

I felt him grin just before he pulled away again, teasing as it were. "I don't how else to show you, just what I've been thinking."

"Are you giving me drowning lessons? You're still a tool." I laughed as I forced him onto my lips.

The moments questions finally became the answers I had been wanting for a long time. The tension in weakness had mixed in with the heat he was giving me, even though the heat was too much for me to not back away from, he still gave me chills.

My hand had found a place I hadn't been before, and that was under his shirt, and onto the surface of his almost sweating skin; just as things began to get as far as anyone could show you their thoughts, physically; my finger tips were almost scratching his skin.

Our lips had to depart, it was getting harder and harder to breathe because it became too gripping for us to focus on each others' lips. I was breathing rapidly, just trying to catch my breath.

His lips were just touching mine, and I could feel the heat from his own breath; yet again, making me get chills.

It was uncontrollable, my hands just wanting him to get even closer to my body; even though it was impossible. So, all I could do was attach myself onto his lips and kiss him, hard. I wanted to be at every at every one part of his body. I could tell he needed to catch his breath, but he refused to leave my dry lips, he even helped them stop being dry.

Things couldn't have gotten any further from the point we had found ourselves craving.

The wait was a long one. But, going through everything, from the sweet, to the bitter; made it all worth the while.

I felt my body just explode with a describable feeling known to the entire world; but an indescribable feeling that he could only give me.

My eyes had slowly closed and my body sunk into the feeling. And, in those seconds, the world inside his mind, was handed to me; as if I knew everything he was feeling, thinking and seeing, just by the beat of his heart.

He was now gasping just like me. I opened my eyes and he pressed his forehead against mine, gently. He was heated and calm at the same time. Fast was replaced with slow, then a stop. He rolled away from me, and he was no longer on top, but at my side.

A few minutes had come to a close in the silence; filled with only our breathing, then I felt his hand slowly, softly and sweetly slide into mine, lacing my trembling fingers, with his.

I scored so hard, that I stopped her heart from beating.