All I Ever Wanted

“Alex, how tall are you?” is the first thing that Jake asks after he pushes my bedroom door open. He’s breathing hard and leaning against the doorframe.

“Uh, 6’1, but-”

“You’re in my wedding now.”

“Excuse me?”

I just sit there on my bed, attempting to return my breathing back to normal. Just seconds before Jake started running up the steps, Alex and I were in the middle of a pretty heated moment and we were lucky to even look slightly innocent when Jake came in. But when I hear what Jake says, I give up on breathing normally.

“My friend Justin is being an asshole and dropped out. He’s only an inch taller than you and I’m asking you if you would take his place.”

“Jake, I d-”

“Alex please? I would owe you for life.”

“Uh, okay. Yeah fine, I’ll do it.”

Jake doesn’t even respond, he just runs back downstairs, probably to tell Kasey that he found his replacement.

“Um… I guess I’m in the wedding…?” Alex muses, and looks over at me.

“Obviously.”

*

“Stand still.”

“I’m not moving!”

“You moved.”

“I did not! I have been standing still for literally 20 minutes while you shove pins into my pants, dangerously close to my ankles.”

“Do you want to trip while you’re walking down the aisle? That would be extremely embarrassing. In front of our whole family – a family that you might one day be a part of. Do you want that Alex?”

“No…”

“Okay, then do not move or complain.”

I contain my laughter the best I can, but Alex still glares at me from his spot in the middle of the room. Kasey is marking the spot that the tailor needs to sew so that his pants aren’t too long.

“If you make me late for band practice, Kasey, I will have to kill you. Then there won’t even be a wedding.”

“Chill out. You’ll be done in 5 minutes. You said your practice was at 6. You have 20 minutes to get there.”

I see Alex’s lips moving but I don’t hear anything. He’s probably cursing at her under his breath.

I don’t exactly know why all of this has to be done right now. The wedding is in 2 months. August 4th. She could have done this tomorrow or something. But whatever, it’s her wedding.

“Alexis, I need you to give me the box of pins that’s on the counter.”

“More pins? Are you crazy?!”

“Shut up, Alex.”

I walk over to the counter slowly and pick up the box to bring to her, but a piece of paper caught my eye. At the top it reads ‘NYU Housing Application’. It’s already halfway filled out.

“Alexis, the pins?”

I pull the paper off the counter and bring the pins to Kasey. Then I start to leave to walk up to my room.

“Where are you going?” I hear Alex ask.

“Meet me upstairs.”

I don’t wait for his answer but I think it was along the lines of ‘if you hear me crying it’s because of Kasey’.

The application is for my dorm at NYU. I recognize my mom’s handwriting instantly. The first question, ‘Would you like to have a dorm in our Honors Building’, was already checked off with a ‘yes’. Why would she fill this out for me?

I go through the entire form, crossing out everything she wrote down. My favorite was ‘How would you describe yourself?’ She wrote ‘neat, efficient.’ Yeah, right.

“Lex, let’s get out of here,” I hear Alex request from the other side of my door about 10 minutes later. I nod to myself and stand up. I stick the paper under my mattress so she won’t find it and then slip my flip flops on to leave.

“My mom tried to fill out my housing application for me,” I say while Alex drives down Main Street. He gets a confused look on his face.

“What’s that mean?”

“It’s where I tell NYU what kind of roommate I want and if I’d want to dorm with all honors kids, which I don’t. And my mom actually had half of the form filled out. I just… she’s always going to try to control what I do even when I move hundreds of miles away.”

I shift uncomfortably, my legs sticking to the seat. It’s almost 95 degrees out. Almost unbearable.

“Maybe she just thinks she knows what’s best for you, Lex. Maybe she’s just worried because you’re going so far away. None of your brothers went as far as you’re going.”

“No. She’s just being controlling. So how long is practice?”

“An hour, as it usually is. Why?”

“Can we go to a movie after?”

“Yeah. Sure. What movie?”

“I don’t care. I just want to see a movie with you. It’s been awhile since we hung out alone.”

“Yeah… that’s true. You’ve been with Luke and Ryder a lot.”

“Sorry…”

“Don’t apologize; you’re hanging out with your friends.”

I nod and close my eyes and rest my head against the headrest. I feel bad that I haven’t really hung out with Alex this past month. I mean, I’ve seen him every day, but only for about an hour each time. I went to a water park with Luke and Ryder three times last week. I invited Alex once but he said I should hang out with my friends more often.

It’s not like either of them are a threat to our relationship, really. Luke is gay and Ryder is strictly a friend. I even told him that he’s only my friend and will always be just a friend. He agreed. So really, there’s nothing wrong with me hanging out with a really hot guy like Ryder when it’s understood that nothing will ever happen between us because I’m perfectly happy in the relationship that I’m in. Right?

**

“When is that overnight NYU trip?”

“Two weeks from tomorrow. Luke, Ryder and I are driving up there. It’s only for 3 days.”

“Oh. Well that’ll be fun. You meet your roommate, right?”

“Yeah, and I get to go to a few of my classes and whatever. It’ll be cool.”

Max nods and continues to shovel food into his mouth. Boys are disgusting, and will probably never learn that the food will be there tomorrow so you don’t have to eat all of it right this second.

“Does Alex approve of how much time you spend with Ryder?”

“Yes… He knows. I’m with Luke, too, though.”

“I know. But Ryder’s not gay or in a relationship with someone.”

“No, Alex is fine with it. He told me I need to hang out with my friends.”

“You’re wrong, actually.” Max stands and brings his cereal bowl to the sink. “He talked to me about it.”

This information comes as a total shock, although, it probably shouldn’t. Of course Alex would be concerned… it’s really only normal.

“He’s kind of worried. He came to me the other day when you went to the water park. I really think you should talk to him about this, Lex. He’s getting… really insecure about your relationship.”

“Oh…”

I feel like total shit right now. I’m making my boyfriend, who I love to no end, worry about our relationship. I’m an asshole.

I knock on Alex’s door at 9:30 later that night. I had to do a ton of stuff with Kasey for the wedding. She needed to double check everything.

After a minute, Rian opens the door. He smiles at me and steps aside for me to come in.

“Hey Alexis. Alex is in his room.”

“Thanks,” I say and make my way towards the stairs.

“Do you know what’s been up with him lately?” Rian asks before I take the first step, and I just shake my head, even though I know exactly what’s wrong.

“Sorry, I don’t know. I’ll talk to him, though.”

I see Rian nod before I take the steps two at a time and when I get to Alex’s door, I hesitate.

There’s loud music coming from inside – it’s one of their demo CDs. If I knock I don’t think he would hear me anyway… So I just slowly turn the handle and push the door open. I see Alex lying on his bed. His eyes are closed and his chest is rising and falling slowly. He looks really peaceful, but I know I have to wake him up.

“Alex…” I whisper, gently moving his arm. He doesn’t wake up. “Alex. It’s me. Wake up.”

He lets out something that sounds like ‘mpphh’, and rolls onto his side facing the wall. I sigh dramatically and push his arm harder.

“Quit pushin’ me…” he mumbles and I start laughing. That’s when he sits up and rubs his eyes.

“Alexis? What are you doing here? I thought you had to do stuff with Kasey?”

I nod and kick off my shoes. Then I cross my legs and sit beside him.

“I finished and decided to come see you.”

“Oh, okay. How’d your day go?”

“Good. Max told me something.”

“Oh…” He knows what I’m about to say before I’ve even said it and he blushes. “ Don’t… I was being ridiculous when I talked to him…”

“You weren’t though. You’re right. It must be weird seeing me hang out with another guy a lot. A guy who’s not Luke. It’s just… Alex you have to understand that he’s strictly a friend.”

“The thing is… In my experiences, guys can usually never be ‘just friends’ with a girl,” he admits, and I’m kind of insulted.

“So, are you saying that you think I’m going to cheat on you with Ryder? That I have no self control and-”

“Well, not exactly, it’s just that-”

“Not exactly?”

“I’m just saying that I don’t believe that girls can be just friends with guys. That’s all.”

“Wow. Okay Alex.”

I get up and put my flip flops back on. I’m not staying here if he’s just going to tell me I’m going to cheat on him. Fuck that.

“Fine, go. Go hang out with Ryder or something.”

“I think I will, actually. Don’t call me; I’ll call you when I’m not mad at you.”