All I Ever Wanted

My hands are holding tight to Luke’s as he guides me down the long NYU hallway away from Ryder’s dorm room. I called him only 5 minutes ago and he got there as fast as he could. Ryder’s pissed that I left, and I really don’t care at the moment. I cheated on my boyfriend – my boyfriend who I love – and I feel like shit.

“Calm down, stop crying,” Luke tells me without looking back. I didn’t even know I was crying.

“I’m sorry… I’m-”

“Do not speak until we get to your dorm.”

I nod and keep my head down, avoiding the looks from everyone in the halls. I feel like such a whore, and I have every reason to feel this way.

“Okay,” Luke says when we reach my room. Number 438 E. I hope my roommate’s not in there. “Listen, I’m going to see if your roommate would mind leaving for a bit… if she’s even in here. Everybody’s sort of just going wherever they want tonight, apparently. Stay here, don’t move.”

I wait outside my room for 2 minutes before Luke comes back saying that it’s empty. I guess my roommate isn’t here yet or is staying in another room…. Whatever.

“Sit.” Luke points to my bed and I follow his instructions. I sit down and stare at the floor.

“What happened?”

“I don’t… know… I didn’t sleep with him, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

“You might as well have.”

“Yeah… it came close… Fuck, Luke, what am I going to do?”

“Are you going to tell Alex?”

“I have no idea what I’m going to do. Telling him would obviously be the right thing to do but… it would completely ruin us.”

“Do you like Ryder?”

“I like him. He’s a nice guy. I love Alex.”

I lie back on the bed and stare up at the ceiling. I have 2 days to figure out what to do before I see Alex.

“You should tell him. Tell him you weren’t thinking clearly… He’ll forgive you, I bet.”

“I don’t know. I wouldn’t forgive me.”

“There’s the difference between you and Alex.”

***2days later

“Ryder I don’t think we should-”

“Alexis, cut the bullshit. It happened, okay?”

“I’m not denying…”

He rolls his eyes and looks around to the other side of the car to see if Luke is coming back from wherever he just ran off to.

“He doesn’t have to know.”

“But I know.”

“I know you like me, Lex,” He says, taking an extra step closer to me. “We’re going to college….Do you really think you and Alex are going to last until then? And even if you do, the chance you’ll make it through college is almost none.”

I stare at his face, stalling a bit. He’s sort of right… I am only 18…

“You’re 18. Why would you want to be in such a committed relationship? You know I’m right…”

I shake my head and open the passenger door. I slide in and just sit there, waiting for Luke to come back. I hear Ryder sigh in frustration and pull open his door. The fact that he’s sort of right is killing me. I am really young and who knows what’s going to happen in college, who I’m going to meet. I don’t want to believe him, but I sort of have to. College is supposed to be when you’re finally free of everything. Would I still be with Alex halfway through? Probably not, as much as I hate to admit it…

“Okay. Let’s get out of here.”

Luke pulls open the driver side door and hops in, handing me a bagel.

“Oh, thanks. You didn’t have to get me anything.”

“You said you were hungry. I didn’t get you anything, Ryder.”

“Oh, thanks, man.”

“No prob. If we leave now, I’m thinking we’ll be home by 4 or 5, if we’re lucky and hit no traffic.”

If there’s traffic, I might jump out of the car. I just want to go home and get away from Ryder for a while… I need to see Alex, too. Whether I tell him or not, I still need to see him. It’s been over a week, during which I have cheated on him, and I need him desperately.

*

My reunion with Alex the night I got back wasn’t exactly what I thought it would be. I was hoping for a quiet night in, but instead I got a chaotic one. Jack met a girl, apparently, and she was coming over for dinner, but Jack had no idea how to even turn on the stove. Rian and Cat were out, so guess who got stuck helping Jack? Yeah, me. I taught him how to make pasta. I couldn’t get over the fact that he didn’t know how, but he learned quickly and managed to prepare a halfway decent meal for this girl Shannon that he met at – of all places Jack Barakat would be – a book store.

Shannon was nice. Why Jack was so obsessed with her, I had no idea. She was the total opposite of him: sweet, caring… you get the point.

So I really only got to seriously be with Alex after Shannon left – at 11. We literally lay on his bed for 2 hours without speaking, just being near each other. I didn’t even bother going home; I stayed with him the whole night.

Now, however, I am sitting in a chair in front of the mirror in Kasey’s room with some lady moving around me trying to get my hair to stay perfect. I tried to tell her that my hair is naturally straight and there is no way in hell that she is going to get it to stay in curls. They’ll probably fall before we even get to the church. But she’s not having it.

“Alexis, how’s it coming?” my mom asks me from across the room. She’s getting her makeup done.

“Um, it’s coming, I guess.”

“Done!” the lady finally announces, spinning me around to see myself in the mirror, and I have to say – she did a damn good job.

Today is Kasey’s wedding, if you haven’t already figured that out. It’s bright and sunny out and actually a fairly bearable temperature – 87 degrees – especially for August. The humidity is low and basically, it’s the perfect day to get married. Alex told us this morning when he stopped by that there is only a 15% chance of rain. He almost made Kasey self destruct right there.

I stand up from the chair and check my phone for any new messages. Of course there’s one from Ryder. He’s been all but stalking me since we got back. I’ve kept minimal contact. Luke has been flat out ignoring him, which I don’t really get, but whatever. I type the shortest response possible to his ‘hey what’s up’ and then go check Alex’s message.

‘I cant wait 2 c u later’ is what it says, and I smile to myself. He’s adorable. And I don’t deserve him.

*

“Don’t you look gorgeous.”

I can’t help but blush. Alex takes my hand and I squeeze his tight.

“You don’t look so bad yourself – for a last minute fill in, that is.”

He laughs and looks down at the floor, then back up at me. He has a big smile on his face and he looks excited.

“I’ve never been in a wedding before,” he admits. “It’s kind of exciting.”

“It’s not that exciting, really. All you do is walk down a long aisle with everyone looking at you and then you stand up there with everyone still looking at you. Well, mostly they’ll be looking at Kasey, I guess, but occasionally you,” I tell him, giving him my honest opinion. I’m not looking forward to being up on the altar for any amount of time.

“It’s practice.”

“Practice?”

He leans in a kisses right by my ear. Then he whispers “For our future wedding, possibly? You never know…”

I laugh nervously and nod. Wedding? What? Why would I be talking or thinking about my wedding at 18? Fuck, he’s obviously way ahead of me.