All I Ever Wanted

Alex stops his rambling about marriage and just looks at me, mouth half open. There’s silence for a good 30 seconds and then he laughs nervously.

“What? Alexis-”

“During the orientation.”

“That was like… 2 weeks ago-”

“I wanted to tell you so bad, but I wasn’t sure how or even what to make of it…”

“You…you did? But…why? And with who?”

I stand up from the bed and take a few steps back. I shake my head and close my eyes and once I feel the wall at my back, I slowly sink down to the floor.

“I don’t… I don’t know why, exactly. And it was with Ryder.”

“Ryder? Are you fucking – I don’t… how the fuck did I not see this…”

“I’m sorry,” I manage to say, and he just shakes his head.

“But why did you do it?”

“I don’t…know.”

“I think… I think I know. Just say it, Alexis.”

I look up at him. His eyes are watering and he looks like he’s biting the inside of his mouth to keep from saying something he doesn’t want to.

“All of this talk about marriage and our future… it scares the crap out of me, Alex! I shouldn’t be thinking about this stuff at 18!”

“Wait…So… you’re leaving me?”

The look on his face kills me and I have to look away. I don’t know what I want anymore. I don’t know who I am, or what I’m supposed to be doing right now. All I know is that I’m going to be in New York City in one week, hundreds of miles away from him.

“I think…maybe we should take a break.”

I let the word hang there, waiting for a response from him. It takes a few seconds, but finally, he slowly nods.

“A break,” he repeats, testing the word. I don’t like it, and I can tell that he doesn’t either.

“I think it’ll be good for us. I’m going to college…I need to discover who I am, be free to do things… When I come back for the first break, we’ll see how it’s going.”

“I guess… I guess so… Are you sure?”

He looks helpless and all I want to do is pull him close and never let go, but I know that I can’t. A break will be good for us. It will…

“I’m so sorry, Alex. I don’t know how this happened to us… It’s my fault. I’m freaking out and I just need to be by myself for a little bit.”

“It’s not just your fault…I obviously scared you away… made you freak…”

“No… it’s not you. But I have to go…”

I can’t stay here anymore. Looking at him hurts and being near him is almost unbearable. But, this will be good for me, I think, and if we’re meant to be then we’ll end up together come Thanksgiving when I get home…

It’s the classic ‘walk of shame’ to the front door – the guys know that something’s up just because it’s only 8:30 and I’m leaving. I don’t usually leave till after 11.

“Alexis?” I hear Jack call after me, but at that point I’m closing the door behind me.

*

“Was it a bad breakup?”

“Surprisingly no. There was no screaming, or fighting.”

My mother nods and takes a sip of her coffee. I didn’t expect to see her when I came down from my room at 3am. I couldn’t sleep, and apparently neither could she. When she asked me what was wrong I didn’t think twice about telling her – everything.

Twenty minutes later I’m drinking a juice box that I’m guessing were bought mainly for Daniel and my mom is drinking her second cup of coffee. She probably doesn’t plan on sleeping tonight.

“Oh… he didn’t get upset that you…cheated?”

“No, he was upset… Especially because it was with Ryder… I feel awful.”

“I don’t want to make you feel any worse but… you sort of should. But, it’s over and done with. You’re on a break, and you shouldn’t worry about it right now.”

She stands and brings her coffee mug to the sink. After she rinses it out, she turns and leans against the counter. She’s giving me a sympathetic smile. I’ve never talked to my mom this much about anything related to my life.

“I think I’m going to head back upstairs…” I say, throwing my empty juice box in the garbage can. She nods and goes over to the refrigerator.

“I think I’ll clean out this refrigerator… It’s pretty disgusting.”

“Okay…night, mom.”

“Goodnight sweetie. Don’t think about it so much, okay?”

“Yeah…I’ll try.”

She smiles again and turns to the cabinet under the sink to find paper towels and Windex while I make me way slowly upstairs. Breaking up is draining. That conversation took basically everything I had in me. And I feel awful. Alex probably feels ten times worse.

I wonder if he told the other guys… they probably hate me now. If somebody cheated on Luke I’d be pissed… but that’s different, I guess, because he’s dating my brother… I can’t exactly hate Max…

This break can go one of two ways – good, or disastrous.

**

“Are you sure you have everything?” Max asks me, slamming the back door of his truck. I nod and stand there in my driveway. We’re just waiting on Luke now. Ryder is standing about 5 feet from texting someone on his cell phone.

“Hold on, I’ll call Luke.”

Max walks to the end of the driveway and looks down the street while pulling out his phone. Ryder takes advantage of the fact that I’m alone and walks closer to me.

“Hey. You excited?” is his question.

“Yeah… are you?”

“Definitely. I can’t wait to get out of here…”

I nod, slightly in agreement. It will be nice to get away for a while. I can’t stand Maryland any more, especially since I don’t have Alex. It’s my fault, I know, and I shouldn’t complain. It just sucks.

I look over at Max. He’s still on the phone. I lean against the car and fold my arms over my chest in an attempt to keep myself warm. It’s 3:30 in the morning and there’s a slight chill, which I wasn’t expecting, so I didn’t wear anything over my tank top. Ryder grins and leans next to me.

“This is gonna be fun Lex.”

He puts his arm around me, but I immediately push it off.

“Please refrain from touching me.”

He shrugs and frowns, as if he was expecting to just automatically become my boyfriend. Yeah, that’s not happening right now, thanks.

“Alright, Luke’s on his way,” Max says, interrupting Ryder’s pouting session. We both stop leaning on the car and go around to opposite sides of the car. Luke, of course, will sit up front with Max, which means I have to sit next to Ryder. Fun times ahead, obviously.

I look back at my house and smile. I already said goodbye to the rest of my family. My mother burst into tears at the mention of the amount of miles away I will be, and my dad handed me an American Express credit card. ‘Just in case’, he said. I don’t know if I’m really going to need it, though.

The last thing Kasey said to me before I left the house was ‘You’re going to have so much fun! College will be the best years of your life, Lex. Don’t waste it, ok? Don’t study all the time.’ I’m pretty sure I won’t have any trouble taking her advice. Jake, however, said something a little bit more important to me right now.

“Don’t think about Alex all the time, okay? Have fun and do what makes you happy. Not anybody else.”

I smile to myself as I get into Max’s car, ignoring Ryder completely. I look out the window just as Luke’s mom’s car pulls up. I watch as he says goodbye to her – probably for the 20th time this morning.

When she finally pulls away, Luke is throwing his stuff into the back of our car. After making sure everything is in, both him and Max get in. Luke looks back at me and smiles.

“Are you ready?” he asks, looking at Ryder once and then back at me.

“Never been more ready,” is Ryder’s answer. I just nod.