All I Ever Wanted

“Hi,” Luke says to me when I sit down in my seat in physics 5th period.
“Hey, what’s up?” I ask, taking out my physics textbook and notebook. Physics is the subject I have the most trouble with. I go to extra help and do extra credit just to show that I’m trying and my teacher gives me an A-. Fine by me.
“Nothing. How was meeting Alex’s friends last night?”
For some reason, the fact that he is actually asking about it, let alone remembers it, throws me. He could be the nicest guy I’ve ever met at this school. He’s definitely the only one who pays attention to girls when they speak, that’s for sure.
“Oh, it was good. I actually had a lot of fun with them.”
“I told you it’d be okay.”
“I was kind of nervous, at first, but it turned out totally fine.”
“Good.”
He sits down in the seat next to me, which is usually taken up by Jimmy.
“Can I like, talk to you? Like, there’s this thing, and I need some advice but I don’t know if you’re exactly comfortable with um… me being gay and everything.”
“What? No, of course you can talk to me, I’m not like… uncomfortable with anything,” I assure him and lower my voice so nobody else hears. It’s not like anybody’s really listening, but you know, just in case?
“Okay, so there’s this guy and I’ve known him for like, 3 weeks maybe, and I really like him but-”
“Get out of my seat, fag.”
Jimmy appears on Luke’s other side and knocks his books off the desk and to the floor. Okay, way to be a jackass.
Luke gathers up his stuff just as the bell rings and hurries to his seat before he gets yelled at. I ignore Jimmy when he sits down and stares at me.
“Lexy, why the cold shoulder?” He asks quietly as Mr. Ward takes attendance.
“You just called my friend a fag.”
“Your friend? Luke? Well, he is a fag, in case you haven’t been told yet,” he laughs and I can’t believe he thinks he’s funny.
“Well, I don’t care, Jimmy. And don’t call me Lexy, by the way.”
“Wow, I thought you were nice because you’re so quiet. But you’re actually a total bitch.”
I’ve never been called a bitch before. This is new. But seriously, how could he possibly accuse me of being a bitch when he ditched his best friend a year ago because he’s gay?! This kid is messed up.
I manage to ignore Jimmy the rest of class and, actually, the entire day. He’s in a few of my classes and sits near me, but I just pretended to do homework every time he wanted to talk. The only real problem came during history. Jessica was ignoring me, as I expected so that wasn’t the problem. There was only 5 more minutes left in the class and we were allowed to talk until the bell rang. Just my luck, Daniel Allen decides he wants to start a conversation.
This is how it went:
“Hey Alexis.”
“Hi.”
“How’ve you been?”
“Great.”
“Oh. Yeah, me too. So listen, about what happened, it’s no big deal, right? You’re not still mad are you?”
“No.”
“Oh, good. I was worried that you were, because I didn’t mean for everything to happen that way. It was just bad timing and shit, you know? I am really sorry about it though.”

After I realized what I had said, I kept my mouth shut. He looked at me like I was crazy once I stopped answering, but I couldn’t afford to say anything else. Had I really told him I wasn’t still mad at him? That it was okay? That using someone for sex is okay?

And now, I’m in my room, it’s 1:30 in the morning and I can’t sleep. Danny’s face just keeps popping up in my head and it sucks. I thought I was done with him and feeling bad for myself, but once he speaks to me it’s as if he was never gone in the first place. As if I’ve kept him with me these past 3 months. And I haven’t. At least, I’ve tried my best to not think about him and ignore him in the halls. It wasn’t like he was trying to talk to me, but still. It hurt, what he did, and I think I had every right to mourn our ‘relationship’ after it was over.
Right? I mean, it’s not so easy to just get over a guy you dated for like, a little over a year. A guy who changed you and acted like it was no big deal. Made you think that studying wasn’t as important as you made it out to be, and caused your grades to drop for an entire marking period, providing a reason to panic when you fill out your college applications.
No, not so easy, but it could be done. And I did. I got over HIM. But not what he did.

I think it started at the end of our sophomore year. 10th grade was a good year; nothing really mattered too much. We weren’t freshmen, who were losers by default, and we weren’t juniors who were worrying about college and the SATs. And best of all, we weren’t seniors. Seniors had to worry about actually deciding on a college, paying for it, and leaving all of their friends behind. Sophomores have it made.
I met Danny at a party on the last day of school. I had never met him, but I knew of him. He was sort of quiet, like me. Definitely not one of the popular guys, but still well-liked by most.
He came up to me while I was sitting with Jessica. We were sitting with a large group of girls, but only really talking to each other. That’s how it always was; we weren’t the outgoing type.
“So, how come you’re over here, and not dancing with me over there?” Danny had asked me, putting an arm around my shoulder.
I still to this day have no idea what I said to him, but somehow I ended up in the middle of a crowd of hyped up 9th 10th and (some)11th graders (no seniors, because really, why would they be at a party with freshman and sophomores?), dancing with Daniel Allen. He ended up driving me home, and as much as I hate to admit it, he gave me the best summer I could have asked for as a 16 year old. We spent the whole summer together, occasionally joined by Jessica and her boyfriend of the week, but mostly just the two of us. I was stared down by so many girls that summer. Danny just screams ‘bad boy’ and ‘model’ at the same time. I once thought that was impossible, but it’s not. Believe me; he did it during the summer. He had black hair that he grew out within the first few weeks of freedom, and wore all of the name brand clothes that I really couldn’t afford. He was tall, well built, olive skin, and really, to be honest, all around perfect. Or so you would think just by looking at him.
He’s a slacker. I’m not. But at the beginning of our relationship, it didn’t matter. There was no work to do in the summer, so I didn’t worry about getting things done. Once school hit, however, that obviously changed. I wanted to concentrate on schoolwork, especially since junior year is the most important. Or so I heard. And that meant not going out as much on weekends, studying for the SAT, taking SAT courses and doing projects early so I could focus on my other work. Danny hated that. Despised it. I started getting nervous about him leaving me if I didn’t start hanging out with him more so I stopped doing so much work, stopped caring. My grades dropped significantly. And then he started pressuring me for sex. He claimed ‘we love each other, so why can’t we have sex?’, but I still stuck with him. He wasn’t hurting me so why should I leave because of one thing? But everything went downhill at the end of 11th grade. And it officially ended in July, 13 months after we started, in his bedroom. I gave in, slept with him, and then he told me to leave. That he was done.
Three months was enough time to get over him, back on my feet, and meet a guy who I think could be different. Yet, one conversation could ruin any hope of fully trusting Alex in the near future.

It’s almost as if Alex knows when I’m thinking about him, because at 1:47 I get a text message from him.
“U r prob sleeping but i just wanted u 2 kno that i miss u :(” is what it says, and I smile to myself. Then I wonder why he’s awake.
'why are you awake’ is what I type out and press send, waiting for a text back. It’s not like I’ll be sleeping anytime soon. I look around my room, waiting for a response. It’s dark, and I can barely see my hand in front of my face.

A minute later he calls.
“Why on earth are you awake right now?” he asks when I pick up.
“I could ask you the same thing.”
“That has a long explanation.”
“I’m not sleeping anytime soon.”
“I have a mild case of agoraphobia.”
I sit up.
“What is that?”
“An anxiety disorder.”
“Oh. It sounded like some kind of STD or something.”
He erupts into laughter, and I have to do the same. His laughter is contagious.
“No, agoraphobia sometimes can cause insomnia. I get panic attacks and they cause agoraphobia. It’s a big ball of confusion. It sucks. But I’m on medication and stuff that’s supposed to help.”
“But… why do you get them?”
“I get them usually when I’m in a new place or something. It’s weird. I’ve been having less and less since I started taking anti-depressants.”
“Oh… I seriously thought you were telling me you had some ridiculous disease.”
“I would have told you that already.”
“When did you start getting them?”
“I was … 15 when I had my first panic attack. Me and Jack snuck out of our houses to go to this concert that was like, 2 hours away. Things like that set me off, make me really nervous. I get nervous in new places. And especially when I’m not around someone who I know. Like, as long as Jack or Rian or Zack is with me I know I’m ok, cause they know what to do.”
“What do they do?”
“Well, I don’t really know, cause I’m not exactly with it when it happens, you know?”
“Oh…”
“Did I just totally scare you away?”
“Nope.”
If anything, he made me want to be even closer to him.
“Now tell me this, why are you awake?”
“I can’t sleep. I’ve been lying in bed for like 3 hours.”
“What’s the matter?” he asks in a soft voice. I can’t tell him.
“I don’t know. Just stressing.”
“Don’t stress. It’s not healthy. Besides, what could you be stressing about? College? Because I know you’re going to get into FIT. You said you have great grades, so don’t worry about it.”
“I know, you’re right.” I can’t believe I’m lying to him already!
“Um… so, I have a question.”
“Okay.”
“Rian asked me if you’re my girlfriend… and um… What should I tell him?”
“I don’t know… It’s not like you’ve asked me or anything.” I say with a smile. I’m pretty sure I know where this is going.
“Yeah I know… That’s the problem.”
“It is a problem isn’t it?”
“So will you be?”
“Your girlfriend?”
“No, my landscaper, Alexis. Of course I mean my girlfriend.”
“I know, I’m only kidding. I’ll be your girlfriend if you be my boyfriend.”
“That’s pushing it.”