Metus

I watched as my friends rushed Kiro and Ashley, who were sharing a frosty beverage of some sort. I smiled fakely, glad I was too far away for anyone to see its invalidity. My chest quivered with each breath, and I couldn't figure out why. My hands shook aswell, making it impossible to stop twitching. The shaking seemed so violent I waited for someone to ask me if I was having a seizure. And yet no one came.

A feeling of hopelessness had been progressively numbing my limbs ever since I'd gotten out of the hospital, and it was now to the point where I had started walking away. I heard the distant laughter of my friends, careless and oblivious to what I was about to do. My movements were robotic as I exited the mall and I absently wondered how long it'd be until my friends knew what was happening. The thought made me smile.

My lifeless eyes scanned the parking lot for Tom's car. I couldn't find it. I suppose, even if I did, I wouldn't be able to start it without the keys. I should have thought of that. Ah well. I thought and walked slowly, methodically towards my house. It didn't matter if my home was across town, I only had to walk about a mile. Just a little farther than the bridge....

The large oak door was locked since my mom and brother had gone to work and my dad had gone home. No matter, though, since the key was under the mat. Such a waste. Everyone always put the key under the mat, there was no point in locking the door if someone could just find the spare key.

I was greeted by my kitten, rushing out the door, and, seeing that I wasn't following her, continued up a tree. My other two cats were nowhere to be seen. Good. I thought. I didn't think I could say goodbye to either of them.

Carefully, trying to make as little noise as possible, I walked into the bathroom and opened the cupboard. I scanned the little orange bottles full of pills and took the lithium perscribed to me. Conveniently, the next item on my list was in the next droor: a razor blade. I smiled. Convenient.

Before I knew it, I had packed myself a little picknick and had walked down to the riverbank. Mist from the murky water clouded the air, making it impossible to see if anyone was near. Humming to myself, I popped open the pill bottle and dumped the contents into my mouth, swallowing them dry. Then, dissasembaling the razor, I began to make little cuts on my wrist.

"He loves me..." cut

"He loves me not...." cut

"He loves me..." cut

"He loves me n...." I trailed off.

My eyes were swimming. This is it. I thought and lowered myself into the swiftly rushing watters of the river. My feet went cold within seconds, replacing the numbness. A rasping laugh escaped my marred, blue lips. At least I've felt something real... My eyes went dark, and what replaced the image of my little town, my little Hickville, was a memory.

Ashley, Angie and I were sitting in my living room in our PJ's, surrounded by pillows and blankets. We were just about to start 8th grade, which means my memory was only last year. We were laughing and asking eachother girly questions. I suppose we were having fun.

"My turn!" Ashley said. "Lor, how do you want to die?"

"Hmmm..." I said, thinking. "I know! Hopefully, I'll die an old woman in my bed, but if not, I want to make it impossible to survive. Like an overdose, coupled with bloodloss or something. And then, to make sure no one found me, I'd jump into a river."

"You freak me out sometimes Lor." Angie said jokingly.

"Lor? Lor are you here?"It was Bill's voice. I thought they'd left?

I smiled to myself, eyes still closed. At least I could hear his voice one last time.

"Wir mussen nur noch 1000 meere weit...." I answered.

And I let go.