Out for Blood: A Billie Joe Story

I feel my heart pounding so hard I think it's going to explode. It's been an hour, so Susan will be back with Ellie. Sweet, wondeful, gorgeous Ellie. Wait! What the fuck is wrong with you, Billie? Hasn't this taught you anything? God, I need help. I hear the door open and my eyes flash to Ellie and Susan who are both standing there. Ellie sits in the chair across from me and Susan motions for me to stand up.

"It's your turn, Billie Joe," she says warmly. I stand and follow her to the room I was in before after closing the waiting room door behind me. I sit in the chair I was sitting in before, and Susan sits with her back to her desk so she is facing me.

"Was Ellie cooperative? She usually doesn't talk and-," I start babbling, but Susan holds her hand up, telling me to stop.

"She was fine, Billie. I'm more worried about you though." I swallow. My mind is racing at two hundred miles per hour and I don't know what to say. I nod. "Do you know why?"

"I guess," I say softly, my voice shaking.

"I told this to Ellie before, so I'll tell you. These walls and that door are soundproof, so you can say whatever you want at whatever volume you want to say it."

"Okay," I answer, still staying quiet.

"And there's no reason to be nervous. What you say in this room doesn't leave this room."

"I know."

"So why do you think I'm more worried about you?"

"Because of everything I've done."

"What have you done?" I swallow and look down.

"I hurt Ellie."

"Why is that such a big deal to you?" I shake my head slowly, feeling tears start to well up in my eyes.

"She's my baby, she's all I have left. I can't lose her."

"What do you mean she's your baby?"

"She means everything to me."

"Then why do you hurt her?"

"I don't know," I say as the tears roll down my cheeks. I wipe them away and look at Susan. "She's just... amazing."

"If you thought she was amazing, you wouldn't hurt her."

"I didn't mean it like that."

"Then what did you mean?" I wipe another tear away.

"She's the most amazingly gorgeous girl I have ever seen in my life. I had to have her."

"So you raping her was basically you marking your territory?" She says it more as a statement, but I know she means it to sound like a question.

"I guess," I whisper. She writes something down in her manila folder, then looks back up at me.

"How did you feel afterwards?"

"Guilty, satisfied, bad, powerful."

"Why do you think so?"

"I'm satisfied because... well, it's sex. Sex feels good. Bad because I know I've hurt her, and powerful because I feel like I can make her do whatever I want. I only feel guilty sometimes."

"Like when?"

"When she screams." She doesn't seem surprised by my answer.

"Why does that make you feel guilty?"

"I don't know. One time, I told her to scream my name. I thought she'd say 'Billie', but she didn't."

"What'd she say instead?"

"She screamed 'Daddy' at the top of her lungs."

"Why did you want her to scream?"

"So I knew it was hurting her."

"So you knew the whole time what this was doing to her?"

"I guess, but at the same time, I didn't." The timer beeps, indicating it's been an hour. "It's over already?" She nods.

"Yes, it is," she says. "I have a feeling this is going to work, Billie Joe."