Out for Blood: A Billie Joe Story

I wake up in a white room with an IV hooked to my arm. I don't remember anything. I close my eyes again until I hear footsteps in the room a few minutes later. It's my father. Everything rushes back to me. My breath catches in my throat and I hear a heart monitor start beeping erratically. My father rushes over to me as a doctor and a few nurses run in. The doctor watches me for a second as my breathing slows down and goes back to normal. He sighs.

"Just a panic attack," he says relievingly. "Let me know if it happens again." They leave and my father sits on the side of the bed.

"You saw me," he murmurs. I look at him questioningly. "You saw me walk in, that's what triggered your panic attack. And you realized that I planned everything, which gave you an asthma attack." I stay silent. He stares at me until I look down. "El, say something." I swallow.

"What am I supposed to say," I whisper hoarsely, still not looking at him.

"Say you forgive me," he replies quietly. My eyes flash up to meet his cautious gaze.

"You killed my mother and two brothers," I hiss. "You killed my only to be saved from this nightmare, and you expect me to forgive you?" He doesn't say anything. It's silent as my words hang in the air and his mind slowly processes what I mean. My father moves to the chair and sits in the same position for an hour straight. The doctor walks in and notices the tense atmosphere.

"How are you feeling, Ellie," he asks, looking at the print out of my vitals.

"Fine," I murmur, looking down and feeling my father's glare on me.

"No more panic attacks?" I shake my head. The doctor writes something in my folder and looks at me. I return his curious stare. "If you feel all right, then I can discharge you. Get dressed and you can go home." I nod. He leaves and my father stands up.

"I'll wait in the hall," he mutters. He walks out and shuts the door. I sigh and slowly put my clothes on, thankful that I don't have to wear the stupid hospital gown anymore. I walk out into the hall and see my father leaning against the wall. We walk to the front desk and sign out after the doctor telling us about something he's going to prescribe me. We leave and go straight home. I look at the clock as soon as I walk in. 7:46pm. My father walks up behind me and places his hand on my shoulder.

"El, can we talk for a second?" I look up at him in fear, but he leads me to the couch. I sit down and he sits next to me. "I really am sorry for what I did, but I was scared that I was going to go to jail and then I would never see you again." I felt a sudden flicker of anger.

"Then I guess you should've never killed them. Or, for that matter, you should've never raped me over and over for the hell of it." I get up and run to my room, slamming the door shut. I stand against the wall and slide down to the floor. I cry for what feels like forever, but is only actually an hour. When I can't cry anymore, I lie down in my bed under the covers and drift right to sleep.

***2:01am***

I hear footsteps in my room, but I keep my eyes closed. The floor creaks, and I feel a hand creep into the covers and rest on my leg. I stay frozen as the hand drifts up until it is abruptly pulled away. My eyes shoot open and I look right the person the hand belongs to: My father. He watches me for a few seconds until he stands and leaves, shutting my door behind him. I lay in silence for about five minutes until my exhaustion overwhelms me and I sink into unconsciousness.

***9:57am***

I wake up to someone knocking on my door.

"El, you gotta wake up. We have to see Susan in an hour, come on," he yells. I sigh into the pillow and stand up. I walk into the bathroom and take a quick shower. I put the Anberlin shirt on that I grabbed and the pair of black skinny jeans. I grab my Gir jacket and walk downstairs. My father sees me and gets his keys and leather jacket. We walk out of the house and get in the car in silence. We get to Susan's office and walk in. A few minutes after we sit down in the waiting room, she walks out of the hall that leads to the back room.

"Hi, El," she smiles. "Hi, Billie Joe. You're going to be first today." My father stands up after one last stare and goes to the back room with Susan.