Sick, Tired, and Done

im sick and tired of always being the one that gets left behind. i never know what my supposed "friends" are talking about. and i get ditched for people who weren't even really our "friends" to begin with. i dont care if they hang out with us. and i dont really care that you hang out with her. just dont lie about it. that makes it so much worse. you leave me out of conversations. our...sorry your lunch table is so fucking noisy its hard to hear. and then you get mad when i ask you to say something again. you want to know what goes on at home, but you never really care. and if you do, to me it looks like you dont. how can i fix what wrong im doing, if i dont even know what im doing is wrong? how can i fix it if all you do is yell at me and then dont talk to me. you ditch me for her and ignore me. you never tell me what goes on. and when i try to talk, you never listen. now if im acting like a bitch, please say so, but dont ever - EVER - think that i will snap over something like that. sure ill get a little upset and wonder what im doing wrong. but if i choose not to tell you, well then, thats my problem, but dont get pissed because i wont tell you. sometimes its just not your business. i sit there and listen to you talk and laugh. i try to follow the conversation, but you are so confusing, that sometimes it hurts. you accuse me of backstabbing and talking about you behind your back. but think about the source. if they know, isn't it likely that they were saying something as well? and if you never consider the fact, that maybe i just didnt know you as well, then consider the fact that im big enough to apoligise for it. consider the fact that im not the first person to talk about their friends, and that everyone makes mistakes sometimes. just consider that and you'll find that you're not really mad at me. your just upset because you never wanted to know that a supposed "friend" talks about you. but how do you think it makes me feel when you guys talk about me on the bus and whenever im not at school and at our..sorry your lunch table?if your talking about me with the person who told you i was talking about them, shouldn't you worry that they talk about you with me, as well?? ive lost my friends, ive lost my boyfriend..i told you i was getting counseling but did you remember? no. i remember everything from the passed 2 weeks..why cant you remember anything i said yesterday? especially something that's a little more important than "i hate my sister/brother".just explain to me the reasoning in your logic and tell me what i did wrong. if you can give me another chance, just say so. but dont think im the only one of us who ever talks about another person. dont think that i dont have feelings. and dont think that i dont know that you talk about me with her. yeah, i dont like her. but you do and im willing to accept that. so why do you lie about liking her? and are you replacing me with her? or is she there because she reminds you of me? if you dont know that answer, just think about it. whatever the answer may be, i dont care. i just want you to think about it. i realise i was stupid for talking about you like that, especially when i barely knew you. but i know you better and am sorry for the things i said. ive always been a little wary of making new friends for the simple fact that most people dont like me. i dont know why, but they dont. im very untrusting at first, but the more i talk to you, the more i get to know you. ive been hurt so many times its not even funny. just know that you and i have been in the same place and are probably headed down different roads, but we are exactly alike, you and i. deny it all you want, but you know deep down its true.