Sick, Tired, and Done

i understand that you think that all i do is talk about myself. and i can see where you're coming from. i AM sorry that i said those things, but you will never believe me. personally, i dont give a god damn fuck anymore. you can say that you've been hurt more times than me...but how would you really know? and yeah..sometimes i know how i sound. the only reason that i got pissed the first time you told me that i was bitch, was because you needed people behind you to do it. and..if you're mad because i talked about you behind your back...you know what...i tried to talk to you the other night. but all you said was that you didn't wanna talk because you had a headache. but im sorry, if i dont force you to talk to me about what the fuck your problem is with me, then we never get around to talking. and i dont always change to subject to something completely different. if you notice, i walked up and tried to listen and make sense of everything, and when i asked what you were talking about you completely got pissed and wouldn't tell me. and i understand that everything your saying is true. but think about. we feel the exact same way, but we are so stubborn that we dont realise that its the same. we think the other person is wrong, but we're both right. and don't gimme that bullshit about not knowing. cuz yeah, i know that i dont know everything fucking thing there is to know. and when did you ever try to get to know me better?? bitch? i can deal with that. annoying? uhm..hello - im almost exactly like you guys and you call me annoying? but the whole poser shit? dont ever call me a poser. you say that i didnt try to get to know you. well maybe i didnt try hard enough and im sorry for that, but if i didnt try to get to know you hard enough...can the same be said for reverse? you cant tell me that i dont have a fucking clue and that you've probably been let down more times than i have. if you're going to argue about something. at least do it about something that you know. i know my feelings and i know how i looked to you and i know how you looked to me. but dont argue about something that you can only guess at. its retarded. yeah, i said it. and i know im a fucking retard as well. now don't sit there and say that im saying you cant call yourself a retard. i know you can. ive seen you do it. but dont sit there and tell me that you know what im thinking, either. and what you call my eyes glazing over in boredom...yeah, not boredom honey..im usually thinking about what people are saying and wondering if they actually mean it or not. but you didnt know that. and when i asked you if i had changed at all, i was thinking about how id been acting. i didnt yell at you, i didnt tell you that you were wrong. i just asked for some examples so that i could see myself in a different light. i was thinking about how i could make myself a better person. but you never gave me that chance to change. you automatically thought the worst of me because i was trying to fix myself...unlike you. i can see that you dont give a fuck about people. i can see how you like people to know about your brothers because you miss them. i dont care about your forgiveness. honestly. cuz im done trying to explain my feelings to you. i may mention something every now and then. but im on the mend and you...you will never see that because to you im always going to be the demented little fucked up poser girl. but im not. not really. yeah, im still demented and retarded and weird but that's what makes me, me. but....im fixing, im healing....im getting help, rather than sitting there waiting for the next time that this happens. i dont enjoy being reactive in life. in fact..i never actually knew that i was reactive until a few days ago. which kinda sucks. we will never be friends again. i can already see that. you have set the bar and i have drawn the line. im not going to compete for your attention. your not so special to me anymore. and dont fucking think that you werent because you cant fucking read my mind. we are fighting on different sides of the war, but we fight for the same thing, the same reason. and....another thing. i dont know if you know. but, um, i used to write before you ever met me. so if you think that i was writing because of you and because of what i am, get it out of your head. who knows, maybe you weren't thinking it. and yet maybe you were. but only you can know that. if you had waited a few more days...you'd see that im better. im a better person, a better friend. im more focused on school and dance and writing than i am on making up with people ive already let go and who have already let me go. these next words that i put on here, will finalize everything. once i type there's no going back. i refuse to let myself go back. im done. i dont need friends like you; friends who judge everything i do and think im a freak because i do the exact same things as them but just dont notice. im done with people who trade their friends out as soon as one is too bitchy. im done. i will no longer think of you as my friends, but as people. i will judge you in my mind, but never say it aloud. unless i think a decision you have made is stupid, but if you want me to say it to your face, fine i will. and dont get mad that i say it to your face, just get mad because i said it at all. im not denying your oportunity to get mad, by all means, i can stomache your anger better than anything. because everytime you get mad at me, its just another thing that makes me think 'do i really want to hang out with them?' maybe you should ask yourself that. oh..about the whole talking about you behind your back. you need to get a fucking clue because i wasnt the only one who was doing it. think on that when your source says that i was talking about you. cuz more than likely..your source was talking as well. do you remember, 7th grade english quotes? 'hindsight is 20/20 better'...i like that quote. maybe you should think about how we are fighting for the same things, rather than who's saying what when and how they act and say it. i actually feel a sense of....release now that i can say that i dont care anymore. im very hesitant about people, and you're the reason why. oh, and you say that all the girls you've been friends with have hurt you. 6th-now is the only time in my entire life when ive had girl friends...they've all been guys for me so dont tell me i have no fucking clue the relationship your in. ive been away from my friends longer than you have..and i am a bit farther from them than you are, so dont say i have no fucking clue. and if you're so damn tired of hearing me talk...why are you reading this?