We All Roll Along

I dropped my bag on the floor of my old bedroom in my parent’s house.

“Is this our new home, mommy? Do we really get to live with Gramma and Grampa now? Like, really really?” Noah asked me excitedly, bouncing up and down on my bed.

“Really really, Noah, hunny. Come over here and help mommy unpack.”

Noah scooted over to me and pulled his suitcase over to my closet and began shoving thing every which way, but I was too distracted to notice. I looked at the walls of my room and felt like I was in a time warp back to when I was sixteen. Local band posters covered my walls, most of them signed with hearts beside them. My desk was still covered with old clutter; phone messages and books I wanted to read mostly. I sifted through them, laughing to myself when I saw one that I remembered writing. Dei - call Pat. Mom one of the notes read. I half smiled to myself, thinking of how simple my life had been.

“Mummy?” I turned away from the note in my hand and looked at my son. “Where is Daddy going to sleep?”

“Well, hunny. It’s a very long and complicated story.”

“Tell me!” Noah jumped up in the air, flinging clothes everywhere in the process.

I laughed, “maybe when you’re a little older. But Daddy is living in our old house still. He’s a little confused and unhappy.”

“So when he gets happy, is he going to come here?” Noah asked, still clinging onto any hope to his once fairy-tale perfect life.

“No, sweetheart, I don’t think so.” Tears bubbled in Noah’s eyes.

“Then...when..am I going to see Daddy ever again?” wiping tears off of his cheeks, his little face turning red.

“Noah! Of course! He’s your daddy and he still loves you very very much.”

Noah wiped the last tear off of his cheek and smiled, “good! Now, who are these silly people all over the walls?”

I smiled and picked up my son, “well. When I was about twelve years older than you, this was my bedroom. And these ‘silly boys’ were my friends who had bands.”

“You mean a band like Daddy’s in?”

I sighed. Getting over Zack and moving on would be tougher than I thought. “Yes, like Daddy’s. More like the one Pat is in.”

“Ooh! Is that him there?” Noah pointed to a big poster of The Maine over my bed. It was a blowup of their first photo shoot they’d done with Pat’s older brother, Tim. They were all sitting across a couch, in a beige room. The lighting was just awful and you could barely see Garrett’s face.

“Yes,” I smiled to myself. I put Noah back down and began unpacking my things, happy to be back in Arizona. “Noah why don’t you go play with Gramma? I’m going to visit some friends.”

“Oh, ok,” Noah rushed out of the room as I started to change. I pulled off my sweaty travelling clothes and pulled on a pair of bicycle short length sheer leggings and a pair of ripped up jean shorts with a cropped white floral top and gladiators.

I stepped outside; the sun cut through my Ray Bans as though they weren’t even there. My feet guided me through streets that were all too familiar to me. Round corners and down blocks they moved. Before I knew it I was there.
“Ryan!” I called after standing on his doorstep, no one coming.

I walked into the tiny house and into the kitchen only to find him strumming on his guitar, stopping every few moments to scribble something on the paper set on the table beside him.

“Hello! Earth to Ryan,” I waved a hand in front of his face, smiling at his intense concentration.

“Dei! Hey! Oh my gosh,” Ryan nearly dropped his guitar, getting up to give me a hug. “How are you?”

“Things could be better I guess.”

“Want to talk?” Most people just left me be, what with my distaste for answering silly questions and all. Ryan wasn’t oblivious to this, he just felt it best for me if he still pried in. I mean, someone had to know what was going on.

“Oh, Ryan,” I sighed, taking a sip of the coffee he’d just sat in front of me. He held onto my hand as I told him. Beginning to start; from Pat to Zack and everything in between.

“So you’re over Zack, then right?” Ryan asked once I’d finished.

“I don’t know. I’m so confused. Zack kept going on about how he felt like I wasn’t all there. But I just don’t understand that, Ryan! I never thought about Pat once during the entire eight years Zack and I were together!”

“Is that true? Like one hundred percent you never thought about Pat at all?”

“He never even crossed my mind until this past Christmas. I had this strange dream about him; and then he sent me a Christmas present. But that’s all.”

“After Christmas - the dream and everything - did you keep thinking about him?” Typical Ryan, trying to pry and understand emotions that I didn’t even realize existed.

I took another sip of my coffee and thought hard. Had I really thought about Pat that much? “Yeh, I guess so. But, I mean, every time I had any thoughts about him I just made myself remember how awful our relationship had been.”

“Oh, but Dei,” Ryan shook his head, “that’s where you’re wrong. Why can you only remember the last few months of your relationship with Pat! You two were perfect for each other. No one could really understand why you fought so much. It’s like you fed off of each other, no matter what you did.”

“That’s what I had tried to block out, Ryan. I couldn’t’ve allowed myself to remember that or else I’d have wanted it again. But I was with Zack. And things with Zack were amazing.”

“Dei. . .just. . .why are you still sitting here, making yourself believe this bullshit?”

I just looked at Ryan in utter wonderment. “What?” was all I could muster.

“Get your ass up, off of this chair, and over to Pat’s.”

I laughed a little at Ryan’s cuteness. I had already been planning to go and see Pat. At the hospital I had said some hopeful things, and done ridiculous things with him before I was to be married. I knew that there was still a little something there, but I’d had time to think about it on that long drive from California home to Arizona. I wasn’t so sure how it would work, what with me living at my parent’s again and with Noah, to top it all off. I don’t think that Pat would want to get involved with me, once he understood how many messy strings were attached.

“I’m going,” I stood up and have Ryan’s long, messy hair a tousle and smiled. He stood up and wrapped his arms around me, placing a little kiss on my cheek.

“I’ve missed you Dei. I’m glad you’re home.”

“Me, too,” I whispered to him, “me too.”

–
I walked quickly down the sidewalk, feeling the head radiate up from the pavement and onto my bare legs. My pace accelerated more and more with each stride, my mind racing on what Pat would say. Would he take me back? Would he need time? So many different scenarios raced through my head that I didn’t look which way I was walking. I slowed down and looked at what was around me. Water. Boats. A tiny lighthouse. I was at the pier.

Not alone. A skinny body covered up with a black hoodie sat at the end of the pier, throwing a pile of stones into the water one by one.

“Pat?” I called, pretty sure that it was him.

Sure enough, he turned around with a closed mouth little smile on his face. I walked down to the end of the pier and sat myself down beside him and sunk my head into the crook of his neck.

“I’ve missed you so much and everything...this whole California and no Arizona deal and that thing with Zack it was all so horrible, Pat, I don’t know what I was thinking,” I rambled on sure that I was making no sense but just kept talking - maybe something would come out of my mouth and make some actual sense.

“Shhh,” Pat hushed me. He put his index on my lips and I stopped talking. He brushed back my hair and leaned in his head, his lips just brushing against mine. Goose bumps arose on my arms and neck and I smiled girlishly. His eyes were still closed, but I kept mine open. I wanted to remember this moment. The moment when I finally made the right decision. And the moment when everything went back to the way it was supposed to be.