We All Roll Along

Everything was set into place. Zack was with Jack, Alex and Rian; Jac and Juliette in front of me with their bouquets of daisies in their sweaty and nervous hands. I wasn’t nervous though; this was the day I’d always dreamed of. I had it playing on repeat in my head, like a movie, how it was going to happen - flawless. My dress tumbled down around my legs, like waves of white sea foam. The sweetheart neckline framed my chest; my collarbones looked like they could cut glass. My dark hair was swooped up into a messy French twist, obviously Breakfast At Tiffany’s inspired. My make up was simple - my face was evened out in a porcelain-ivory and cheeks dusted a light rose. My lips stayed nude except for the inner part, which was stained red. My eyes had nothing but a thick stoke of liquid liner and a sheer white shadow on the inner creases of my eyes.

I could hear people shuffling about in the room next to us and my head started to spin. Okay, maybe I was a little nervous. But it was good nerves. Butterflies were my friends, I recalled - just like my grade school drama teacher had taught me.

“I’ll be right back,” I whispered to Jac and Juliette as I grabbed my stomach and hurried into the single room bathroom. My dress barely fit in the room, but I was determined not to ask for help.

I closed my eyes and rested my hands on the sink, leaning my full weight on it. A deep sigh escaped my lips, even the air feeling shaky.

“Okay, okay,” I told myself, standing up right again and giving my arms a waking shake, “you can do this.” It felt like I was convincing myself to do this. But I shouldn’t need convincing.

My mind kept on in this back and forth battle for minutes. Every time I closed my eyes a memory flashed. Out on the beach. Noah. With Noah. My Noah, Noah, Noah. I love him so much. But my memories began to get less and less vivid. First it was a little blurred, then I could only see Zack’s body, until I couldn’t even tell if it was Zack or not. Next thing I knew I was underwater, still in my dress. I swam easily, smiling. I was still under the water, but I could see Zack through it, his face moving from the waves in the water. I was still swimming. I couldn’t get to the top, but I wasn’t drowning. I was comfortable. Then a hand reached down, right in front of me. I took it, gasped a breath as I got to the surface, unaware of how badly I needed that air, even though I had felt snug.

I opened my eyes and stared at myself in the bathroom mirror, totally confused. I gulped and turned to the door, ready to leave, when I saw the knob turn and Pat walk in. I knew he’d be here; all my other friends from Arizona were, and it felt rude to dis include him. Besides, there were so many people here, I didn’t think I’d actually see him. But I’m glad I did.

I didn’t even miss a beat; my heart fluttered a little at the sight of his face, still set off with babyish features. Pat walked in and stood just a little too close, but I let him. I let him run his hands all over my body. I let him unzip the back of my dress; his warm hands on my cold chest. His lips touched mine - I let it happen. I pulled my arms around his shoulders, holding him close. And I kissed him back. They weren’t little kisses either - Pat’s tongue and mine played a rough game, back and forth. My lips got sore and my mouth dry. Sweat dampened on my shoulder blades; it was a rush of emotions I’d unknowingly repressed. I felt his hands fondle with my breasts, rubbing in circular motions around the centre. I got a sudden rush of confidence and my hands glided down to his pants, where I undid his belt. I ran my hands around the skin of his waist, under his shirt.

Blood was rushing to my head and I started to feel dizzy. I had no idea why I was going along with this or why it felt so good. Towards the end of me and Pat’s relationship we seldom had sex; when we did, it did nothing for me - I was just thinking about Pat. But at this moment, Zack was far from my mind - this felt too damn good.

I tugged his pants and boxer-briefs down around his knees, slipping my hands around his cock. I used both my hands I rubbed up and down quickly and rough. My head was light and the world around me buzzed as I fell into a lucid daze. I could feel Pat’s hands on the back of my head, pushing me to do what I was already going to. My lips brushed against his cock and I opened my mouth, and touched the tip with my tongue.

Then everything fell into perspective.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” I quickly apologized as I got to my feet again and pulled my beast of a dress up around me.

“Why are you apologizing?” Pat asked me, putting his soft hands on my shoulders. I could smell his cologne; it was a scent I hadn’t realized I missed. A wave of nostalgia hit me and I could feel my heart being ripped out of my chest. I could feel my lower lip shake, and my chin wobble in that unattractive way you wish it wouldn’t but it always does. I closed my eyes and lets my tears fall, staining my white dress as Pat held onto me, my arms violently shaking between his chest and arms.

“Shhh,” he cooed to me, stroking my hair, doing his best to calm me.

“I fucked it up, Pat. I fucked it all up,” I mumbled.

“You messed what up?” He put a finger under my chin and lifted up my face so our eyes met. He moved his hand away, but I didn’t let my face drop against his chest again. Instead I looked intently at him.

“My life,” I replied as Pat brushed tears off my face. “I made a family with a person I shouldn’t be with and a life in a place I shouldn’t be.”

“You want to come back to Arizona?”

I put my head back on his chest and closed my eyes. This wasn’t a small decision. I had rashly turned my back on Arizona and hadn’t looked back for many years; even more, I had never questioned my decision until now. Until my wedding day, of all times.

“Deidee?” Pat asked when I didn’t reply.

“No, fuck.” I squished my eyebrows together, “Pat, you can’t just come rushing back into my life! It isn’t that simple. Goddamn it, we aren’t eighteen anymore. I have a child. I am about to get married to the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with. I can’t just pick up everything and leave! I have responsibilities. I realise that you may not understand that, but please - if not for me but yourself - try. Give it a fucking try.”

Pat just stared at me aghast. I was kind of upset that he actually thought I’d just rush back to him. Sure, when times were good they were really good. But our entire relationship was one goddamned roller coaster ride. It soared to the highest highs, and lowest lows in a matter of seconds - with too many turns and spins in between. Then when you get off you feel queezy, but in hindsight in was fun. But once you step back on that roller coaster, it’s just as painful as the first time.

“Shit, I’m sorry Dei,” Pat responded only half heartedly.

“It’s alright,” doing my best to sound sincere in accepting this pitiful apology, “you didn’t mean any harm.” I turned my shoulder and ran past Pat, holding up my dress with one hand, fixing my hair with the other. I returned back to Juliette behind the doors to the church, waiting anxiously for the music to play.

“What happened to you?” Juliette asked, hurriedly tidied up my make up.

“I’ll explain later.”

“Well, um - do it now. Zack isn’t at the alter. That’s why the music hasn’t started yet,” continuing to fuss with my make up.

My eyes widened. My heart thumped against my rib cage. My palms grew sweaty. This was my worst nightmare grew reality. I swatted Juliette’s hand away from my face and picked up my dress, again, and ran mindlessly around - checking every room that I could for Zack.

“Zack! Zack!” I shouted, my voice cracking more and more each time I called for time; I didn’t want my wort nightmares to transform to reality. “Where is Jac?” I said, barely able to speak at this point.

Now Juliette knew what I was thinking. “No, no - that’s impossible. She left to freshen up.”

“Juli, I didn’t see her in the washroom.”

Juliette merely opened her mouth, no words coming out, while I crumbled into tears, pulling myself along the wall; using the door frames to support myself.

I was in the stairwell.

I was up the stairs.

I could vaguely hear Juliette calling me from the bottom of the stairs, but everything in front of me was vivid.

There she was. There he was.