Secrets
I
I wake to the sweet singing of little finches chirping right out my window and the bright gleaming sun shimmering through. I slip out of bed and immediately walk towards the window where the not light but defiantly not heavy breeze pushes my thin black see through curtains with silver stars on them into my room.
You would think that looking out this window seeing this gorgeous scenery of green grass and beautiful trees everyday since I was seven would make my life a...happy life. One of those perfect lives that everyone dreams of. Yeah well at about that age, seven, my life did seem like that in fact it was like that. But nothing good ever lasts. Then at around the age of ten everything went wrong everything fell apart.
I never really understood what happened and I don’t ever ask about it because my mom doesn’t like to talk about it. The first time I tried to figure everything out and ask her what happened I saw the pain in her eyes. She cried herself to sleep that night. I never wanted to see that happen again so I decided not to ever bring it up again.
I was ten at the time and it was about three months after my brother, Jeremy’s, fifteenth birthday, he came home complaining that he wasn’t feel well at all. My father felt his temperature and quickly scrambled to call my mother. The look on his face was unforgettable. I looked at him and he stared back and for the first time he was scared, his face was filled with fear. After seeing that I ran up stairs to see if my brother was ok but my dad cut me off, closed the door and locked me out. Once my mother came home she made me leave to spend the night at my friend Amanda’s house. All I wanted was to go home and find out what was happening, so naturally that sleep over lasted forever.
When my mother finally picked me up all she told me was that my father and brother were leaving us and would never return. I asked and begged to know why and where they were going and why we weren’t going, but she refused to tell me. That never happened, my mom was my best friend more of a friend than a mom, we told each other everything. I swore to never talk to her again if she didn’t tell me, but still nothing. Of course I didn’t stop talking to her, I wouldn’t have been able to do that. By time we got home they were gone. My brothers room was empty, just his furniture was left and all of my fathers clothes were gone. All that was left was a note on my pillow.
The envelope read…
My dearest Jezebel
I carefully opened it terrified to read what was written…
My darling daughter,
Someday you will understand why Jeremy and I had to leave. In a way it was for your own good. I don’t think we’ll ever be able to return home to live with you and your mother again. I’m not sure if keeping in touch will be possible either. Just trust me someday you’ll understand all of this, I just hope you don’t have to go through this again, you may but the chances are slim. I truly hope that you’ll never forget your brother and me. He himself would’ve written you a letter as well, if he was only well enough. Stay safe and keep your mother safe, she needs you. I will tell you that we aren’t leaving because of anything you or your mother did. I love you both dearly, you can’t understand or feel the pain I’m enduring while writing this to you. Having to leave you like this is heartbreaking. You’re my baby girl and you’ll always be my baby girl. If you ever miss your brother and me too much, inside the envelope is a chain with a wolf on it , your brother wanted me to get you one like his so you’d never forget him. Soon my love you’ll understand, I promise you that…soon. Take care of your mother please. Your brother and I love you with all of our heart. We’ll love you always and forever, don’t forget that or doubt that. This really is for your own good. I am terribly sorry that this is the way I must say goodbye, I wish I could’ve been holding you in my arms while saying our goodbyes. Give your mother a hug and kiss for me and tell her I love her.
Your loving father,
James
And your loveable big brother,
Jeremy
P.S. I would really love it if you wrote in a diary or journal everyday. That way if one day we are together again I can read of everything I missed. I love you my dearest Jezebel.
Ever since that day I’ve been wearing that chain, not once have I taken it off. I still have that note, I keep it in a box with a bunch of pictures of my brother and father. I thought of framing it but I figured it would just hurt my mother and I couldn’t bear to see that happen.
So here I am, now fifteen almost sixteen, I close my eyes and let the breeze whoosh through my honey brownish blond hair. Then I look down at my scarred wrists, ashamed of what I’ve done to myself. It’s been about four months since I’ve cut myself. That’s only because I don’t want any fresh cuts showing when my family comes over for my birthday in a couple of months.
I know cutting is wrong and I shouldn’t do it. That’s just how I take out my anger, sadness, and pain. I’m not really all that great at expressing my feelings to others, I like to keep to myself. My mom has enough of her own problems so I’d rather not bother her with any of mine.
I jumped, as there was a light knock on my door which was slightly cracked open.
"Jez? Honey are you awake? You'll be late for school" I heard my mom whisper into my dimly light room.
"Eh yeh mom I'm up I'll be down in a minute." I answered back.
I rushed to find something even a tad bit descent for school, my purple shirt that ended right above my bellybutton piercing and black jeans with my black and white studded belt would do. Then I hurried to the bathroom to wash away my morning breath and apply my eye liner. My hair was pretty hopeless I must say. I brushed it back into a pony tail and let my raspberry colored side bangs hang half in my face covering one of my crystal blue eyes.
"Is school really all that necessary?" I asked as I slumped down the stairs.
"If you mean is an education necessary? Then yes, it's very necessary. I want my daughter to have a future."
"Yeah yeah, future this future that, who cares? Not me!"
All she did was stare at me with her, "that’s not funny" look on her face.
"Besides to have a future I kind of need a talent, which I don't have. So in my case I have no future."
"That's not true, you were a fantastic dancer dear, I think you're meant to be a performer."
I used to dance, that is until my brother and father left. I told my mom I wanted to quit because I was bored with it and didn't like it that much anymore. Truth was, I loved to dance, it was my passion and maybe just maybe even my calling. I just wasn't inspired to dance any longer without my dad or brother here.
"Mommmmmm!" I groaned
"I know I know, dancing wasn't your 'thing'."
Before I could return her comment with one of my famous “what ever” looks, the door bell rang.
"Oh goody, that must be Joseph, you know that nice boy that lives a few houses down, the one that always waves when I go on my jogs? He's here to take you to school sweetie."
"I'm pretty sure he goes by Joey, mom, and he only waves because he doesn't want to look rude staring at you boobs bounce in your sports bra. And what? I thought you were taking me to school, I don't even know the kid."
"Hon I'm supposed to be at work at 7:00 meaning i have to leave before your lazy ass is even out of bed, so Joseph will be taking you to and from school." She said this with a little smirk on her face.
"It's Joey! and ughhhhh, you must hate me."
As a ran to slip on my black and white polka dotted flats she scurried to answer the door. After getting my shoes on I grabbed my jacket off of the kitchen counter, I knew my mom would make a comment on my shirt if I didn’t have my jacket. If that happened I'd get totally embarrassed because freakin Joey is here.
"Why hello there Joseph, please come in." I could here my mother from the kitchen. I could tell she was smiling just by the tone in her voice.
"Hello, you can call me Joey and thank you Ms...uh..."
"Mrs. Hillmen, but you can call me Susanne, Susie, or Sue. Anything you'd like dear."
I bolted in making sure to get there before my mom could find anything embarrassing to say. Poor kid, i scared him half to death. I nearly ran into him but my mom caught me in time.
"Er...hi there.." He said a tad startled.
"Oh…hi I..." I started but was quickly interrupted.
"And this is my strange but lovely daughter, Jezebel."
"It's nice to finally meet you, Jezebel." As he spoke he smiled, his teeth were perfect and unbelievably white. His smile was literally stunning, I was unable to talk right after that.
I felt my mothers hand on my back slightly pushing me out the door. "Lets go you two, you don't want to be late for your first day of school do you?."
"I suppose you're right Mrs. Hillmen...I uh mean Ms. Susie. Shall we?" He asked, motioning his arms and hands to lead out and towards his car.
I took a quick glance at my mom who of course had a big dorky smile on her face. She gave me a big super noticeable wink, and I knew Joey saw because I heard him snicker. Can you say total humiliation? I can!
"We shall." I answered and returned his smile as we walked out into the crisp morning atmosphere.
You would think that looking out this window seeing this gorgeous scenery of green grass and beautiful trees everyday since I was seven would make my life a...happy life. One of those perfect lives that everyone dreams of. Yeah well at about that age, seven, my life did seem like that in fact it was like that. But nothing good ever lasts. Then at around the age of ten everything went wrong everything fell apart.
I never really understood what happened and I don’t ever ask about it because my mom doesn’t like to talk about it. The first time I tried to figure everything out and ask her what happened I saw the pain in her eyes. She cried herself to sleep that night. I never wanted to see that happen again so I decided not to ever bring it up again.
I was ten at the time and it was about three months after my brother, Jeremy’s, fifteenth birthday, he came home complaining that he wasn’t feel well at all. My father felt his temperature and quickly scrambled to call my mother. The look on his face was unforgettable. I looked at him and he stared back and for the first time he was scared, his face was filled with fear. After seeing that I ran up stairs to see if my brother was ok but my dad cut me off, closed the door and locked me out. Once my mother came home she made me leave to spend the night at my friend Amanda’s house. All I wanted was to go home and find out what was happening, so naturally that sleep over lasted forever.
When my mother finally picked me up all she told me was that my father and brother were leaving us and would never return. I asked and begged to know why and where they were going and why we weren’t going, but she refused to tell me. That never happened, my mom was my best friend more of a friend than a mom, we told each other everything. I swore to never talk to her again if she didn’t tell me, but still nothing. Of course I didn’t stop talking to her, I wouldn’t have been able to do that. By time we got home they were gone. My brothers room was empty, just his furniture was left and all of my fathers clothes were gone. All that was left was a note on my pillow.
The envelope read…
My dearest Jezebel
I carefully opened it terrified to read what was written…
My darling daughter,
Someday you will understand why Jeremy and I had to leave. In a way it was for your own good. I don’t think we’ll ever be able to return home to live with you and your mother again. I’m not sure if keeping in touch will be possible either. Just trust me someday you’ll understand all of this, I just hope you don’t have to go through this again, you may but the chances are slim. I truly hope that you’ll never forget your brother and me. He himself would’ve written you a letter as well, if he was only well enough. Stay safe and keep your mother safe, she needs you. I will tell you that we aren’t leaving because of anything you or your mother did. I love you both dearly, you can’t understand or feel the pain I’m enduring while writing this to you. Having to leave you like this is heartbreaking. You’re my baby girl and you’ll always be my baby girl. If you ever miss your brother and me too much, inside the envelope is a chain with a wolf on it , your brother wanted me to get you one like his so you’d never forget him. Soon my love you’ll understand, I promise you that…soon. Take care of your mother please. Your brother and I love you with all of our heart. We’ll love you always and forever, don’t forget that or doubt that. This really is for your own good. I am terribly sorry that this is the way I must say goodbye, I wish I could’ve been holding you in my arms while saying our goodbyes. Give your mother a hug and kiss for me and tell her I love her.
Your loving father,
James
And your loveable big brother,
Jeremy
P.S. I would really love it if you wrote in a diary or journal everyday. That way if one day we are together again I can read of everything I missed. I love you my dearest Jezebel.
Ever since that day I’ve been wearing that chain, not once have I taken it off. I still have that note, I keep it in a box with a bunch of pictures of my brother and father. I thought of framing it but I figured it would just hurt my mother and I couldn’t bear to see that happen.
So here I am, now fifteen almost sixteen, I close my eyes and let the breeze whoosh through my honey brownish blond hair. Then I look down at my scarred wrists, ashamed of what I’ve done to myself. It’s been about four months since I’ve cut myself. That’s only because I don’t want any fresh cuts showing when my family comes over for my birthday in a couple of months.
I know cutting is wrong and I shouldn’t do it. That’s just how I take out my anger, sadness, and pain. I’m not really all that great at expressing my feelings to others, I like to keep to myself. My mom has enough of her own problems so I’d rather not bother her with any of mine.
I jumped, as there was a light knock on my door which was slightly cracked open.
"Jez? Honey are you awake? You'll be late for school" I heard my mom whisper into my dimly light room.
"Eh yeh mom I'm up I'll be down in a minute." I answered back.
I rushed to find something even a tad bit descent for school, my purple shirt that ended right above my bellybutton piercing and black jeans with my black and white studded belt would do. Then I hurried to the bathroom to wash away my morning breath and apply my eye liner. My hair was pretty hopeless I must say. I brushed it back into a pony tail and let my raspberry colored side bangs hang half in my face covering one of my crystal blue eyes.
"Is school really all that necessary?" I asked as I slumped down the stairs.
"If you mean is an education necessary? Then yes, it's very necessary. I want my daughter to have a future."
"Yeah yeah, future this future that, who cares? Not me!"
All she did was stare at me with her, "that’s not funny" look on her face.
"Besides to have a future I kind of need a talent, which I don't have. So in my case I have no future."
"That's not true, you were a fantastic dancer dear, I think you're meant to be a performer."
I used to dance, that is until my brother and father left. I told my mom I wanted to quit because I was bored with it and didn't like it that much anymore. Truth was, I loved to dance, it was my passion and maybe just maybe even my calling. I just wasn't inspired to dance any longer without my dad or brother here.
"Mommmmmm!" I groaned
"I know I know, dancing wasn't your 'thing'."
Before I could return her comment with one of my famous “what ever” looks, the door bell rang.
"Oh goody, that must be Joseph, you know that nice boy that lives a few houses down, the one that always waves when I go on my jogs? He's here to take you to school sweetie."
"I'm pretty sure he goes by Joey, mom, and he only waves because he doesn't want to look rude staring at you boobs bounce in your sports bra. And what? I thought you were taking me to school, I don't even know the kid."
"Hon I'm supposed to be at work at 7:00 meaning i have to leave before your lazy ass is even out of bed, so Joseph will be taking you to and from school." She said this with a little smirk on her face.
"It's Joey! and ughhhhh, you must hate me."
As a ran to slip on my black and white polka dotted flats she scurried to answer the door. After getting my shoes on I grabbed my jacket off of the kitchen counter, I knew my mom would make a comment on my shirt if I didn’t have my jacket. If that happened I'd get totally embarrassed because freakin Joey is here.
"Why hello there Joseph, please come in." I could here my mother from the kitchen. I could tell she was smiling just by the tone in her voice.
"Hello, you can call me Joey and thank you Ms...uh..."
"Mrs. Hillmen, but you can call me Susanne, Susie, or Sue. Anything you'd like dear."
I bolted in making sure to get there before my mom could find anything embarrassing to say. Poor kid, i scared him half to death. I nearly ran into him but my mom caught me in time.
"Er...hi there.." He said a tad startled.
"Oh…hi I..." I started but was quickly interrupted.
"And this is my strange but lovely daughter, Jezebel."
"It's nice to finally meet you, Jezebel." As he spoke he smiled, his teeth were perfect and unbelievably white. His smile was literally stunning, I was unable to talk right after that.
I felt my mothers hand on my back slightly pushing me out the door. "Lets go you two, you don't want to be late for your first day of school do you?."
"I suppose you're right Mrs. Hillmen...I uh mean Ms. Susie. Shall we?" He asked, motioning his arms and hands to lead out and towards his car.
I took a quick glance at my mom who of course had a big dorky smile on her face. She gave me a big super noticeable wink, and I knew Joey saw because I heard him snicker. Can you say total humiliation? I can!
"We shall." I answered and returned his smile as we walked out into the crisp morning atmosphere.
♠ ♠ ♠
Uhm...comments would be nice?