It Seems I'm Too Far Gone

Sobs shook Adrienne’s entire body almost in rhythm with the thunder overhead. As soon as Billie Joe put his arms around her, she felt her body go limp. All of the stress, the anger, and the sadness inside of her seemed to be billowing out in huge waves that came out as bone rattling sobs. She didn’t even care that seconds before she was angrier at this boy than she ever had been. Just the fact that he was there for her, with his arms protecting her, was enough.

“C’mon,” he said. “It’s cold. Let’s get you inside,” he told her, pulling away from her but keeping his hands on her shoulders. He offered her a weak smile, to which the only thing she could do was wipe her eyes enough to where she could see. She smiled a little back at him.

Billie Joe put his arm around her and walked her all the way back to his house. By the time they arrived, they were drenched head to toe and shivering.

When they got to the driveway, Adrienne noticed that Billie’s mom’s car wasn’t parked. She thought maybe her car was in the shop, until Billie took her through the front door. It wasn’t that Billie Joe’s mom didn’t like having Adrienne around; on the contrary- she adored Adrienne. Usually, however, when it was late they used the back door. The front door
creaked loudly and woke Ollie up.

“Where’s your mom?” Adrienne asked, her voice shaky and scratchy from all of the crying.
Billie had immediately headed down the hallway to get some towels out of the bathroom closet.

“My aunt’s going through a nasty divorce,” he called back to her. “My mom’s staying with her for a few days,” he said, rounding the corner to walk back to the front door, where Adie still stood, dripping and hugging herself. He set three towels on the couch and took one to Adie, and draped it around her shoulders.

“Here. Lemme get you some dry clothes. You can sit on the furniture- it really doesn’t matter,” he said before he left. Adie smiled in spite of her overwhelming emotions. He liked to make small, playful jokes like this from time to time, sort of mocking her daintiness and manners. Nevertheless, Adrienne stood, knowing whatever she sat on would soak up all the water from her shorts immediately.

She glanced at the clock, wondering what time it was. It read 11:17, which was actually quite relieving for Adie. When she would sneak out like this, she was always apprehensive until about 10:30. That was when her parents always went to bed- it was like clockwork. So, if policemen weren’t banging on Billie’s door by now, they’d obviously gone to bed assuming she had done the same.

“Here,” Billie said, coming back from the hallway holding some of his pajama pants and what might have been the only t-shirt he ever owned from Pinole Valley High School.

“Thanks,” she said, and took them to his room without even looking at his eyes. For some reason, she didn’t want to, and she blamed the anger that was still brewing inside of her. The sadness had left her, and the rest of the turmoil inside of her was threatening to escape.

Adie quickly peeled off her wet clothes and shoes and threw on the shirt and pants Billie had given her. She walked down the basement stairs to the washer and dryer and threw her tank top and shorts in the dryer. When she came back upstairs, Billie Joe was in the kitchen, standing by the stove, waiting for the kettle to whistle that it was boiling.

“Want some hot chocolate?” he asked, again with a weak smile.

“Sure,” she said, and turned around to walk back to his bedroom. She grabbed an old newspaper page- the comics- that he had thrown down on the floor. She sat cross legged on his bed and read the old black and white panels, waiting silently for Billie Joe.

She heard the kettle whistle for a moment, and then was silenced. Not too soon after, Billie Joe came into his room carefully, carrying two steaming mugs of hot chocolate. He handed Adie hers, which she sipped carefully, continuing to read the comic strips as if he wasn’t even in the room. Billie Joe sat across from her, on the other end of the bed, fidgeting and burning his tongue repeatedly. The tension in the room was thick and Billie Joe could only stand it for so long.

“So are you not going to talk to me now, or what?”

Adrienne looked up at him for a second.

“Isn’t it awful when people won’t tell you how they feel?” she said, and looked back down to her comics.

“Oh come on, Adie. I did tell you. I blew up out there- and so did you. Can’t we put all of that behind us now?”

“What, until I pick up and move? Until the next time we both hold so much in that we scream at each other until we hurt each other’s feelings? Yeah, that sounds real healthy.”

“Well that’s what you’re doing now!” Billie Joe shouted defensively.

“I don’t think you’ve told me everything yet,” Adie said so quietly Billie Joe almost didn’t catch it. She was nervous about saying it because she knew it would send him over the edge again and also because she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear just what he wanted to say.

“Oh, dammit Adie. I told you how I feel. You know I- No, you know what,” he said, setting his mug down on the floor. “Wanna know how I feel? This is how I feel,” he said, and then he lurched forward, putting his hand behind her neck and cramming his lips onto hers. He kissed her fiercely and passionately, harder than she expected. In fact, she hadn’t expected any kiss at all. And, because of the situation at hand, she pulled away before she got too caught up in it.

“What the hell, Billie Joe!” she said, almost scowling at him. “How is that supposed to fix everything?” she asked, defensive and confused. And angry all over again.

“Wha- It’s not!” he yelled, throwing his hands up. He sat back on the other end of the bed. “It’s supposed to mean something. It’s supposed to show you that I-“ and he was cut off by the same fierce, ravenous kiss he’d planted onto her a moment before. Only this time,
it was Adrienne’s turn.

Though his heart didn’t want to, he too pulled away.

“What the fuck?” he asked, genuinely confused.

“There,” Adie said, sitting back down on her end. “How does it feel?” she asked. She was annoyed with him and his immaturity- at least that’s how she saw it. She wanted to be angry with him because of how things ended in the park earlier. She knew that they couldn’t just “put all of that behind them.” There was more to discuss and yet here he was, kissing her, making her toes curl and leaving her speechless. Her pleasure in the situation just fueled her rage more. But if he kissed her again she wasn’t so sure how she’d…

“It feels…” he started, looking her in the eyes. “It feels fucking great,” he said, cutting anything she could have said as a reply off as he crashed back into her, kissing her the hardest he had yet. And she returned it, wrapping her arms around his neck, begging him for more. In all of the movement, Adie’s mug of cocoa that was perched in between her legs toppled over onto her ankles. The hot liquid scorched her skin immediately.

“Shit,” she muttered onto Billie’s lips. As a temporary solution, Billie Joe pulled her over to the foot of the bed, not breaking their kiss. He rolled them over so he was now on top of her.

Adrienne’s mind was swirling. She still had so much anger in her. She wanted to slap Billie Joe, so why was she kissing him? Why did she give in to him so easily? She couldn’t help it. While she was so confused as to what to think next, she knew that she wanted to kiss him and touch him, even if she wanted to kill him. The only way to channel her anger was to kiss him more… touch him more.

Before she knew it, his hands were quickly stripping off the pants he’d given her to put on mere minutes before. With them, also went the shirt. And instead of stopping any of it, Adie only sought revenge- a shirt for a shirt, pants for pants. Their clothes fell to the floor and the feeling of each other’s skin was the only thing either of them could register.

And so things went further and further until there was no turning back. The anger and confusion never went away, but were merely replaced by the moment’s pleasure. Animosity took over for where the sensitivity should have been. Everything was fueled by things it shouldn’t have been fueled by. But neither of them was in the right mind to stop and think about anything. It was as if they had no better solution than sex. And that was what they were standing by.

It was a bit past three in the morning when Adie woke up. Billie Joe’s arm was strewn across her chest, but moving it didn’t make him stir one bit. She got up, walked nakedly downstairs to where her clothes were still tumbling in the dryer and pulled them on. Without even waking Billie Joe up, she walked out the front door and walked home.