It Seems I'm Too Far Gone

“Adie… Adie it’s time to wake up… Adie!” Missy yelled from Adrienne’s doorway.

Adrienne’s eyes fluttered open, heavy and dry.

“Mmm…” she mumbled into her pillow, turning over.

“Adie your alarm went off like ten minutes ago. You need to get up,” she said, turning around to head back to the kitchen to check on breakfast.

Adie had only been asleep for maybe an hour. Even so, it was the most restless hour of sleep she’d ever had. Even if she hadn’t known, the dried, puffy feeling her eyes were giving her told her she’d been crying mere hours before. She debated on staying home, faking a stomach ache, and sleeping off the day- if it were possible. She didn’t like to miss school though. The feeling of being behind drove her crazy. Also, Missy was an expert on Adie’s emotions- she would know something was wrong immediately- something that wasn’t in her stomach.

So, she reluctantly dragged herself out of bed and into the shower. The walls around her blurred together as her eyelashes clung to each other. She didn’t even have the energy to rub them. Instead, she closed her eyes and maneuvered herself around the bathroom and into the shower from memory. She smirked to herself, sadly- this was a new low.

After she got dressed and went downstairs to stare at a plate of breakfast, she pulled her oldest pair of chucks on and went to the closet to grab her backpack. Missy walked out of the laundry room.

“Wow Adie. Not trying to impress today, huh?” she asked, laughing.

“Huh?” Adrienne asked her. She looked down at her ensemble. She hadn’t been paying much attention to what she was wearing. She’d grabbed her most torn up pair of jeans out of comfort, no doubt, as they were pliable and worn soft. To top it she grabbed the nearest t-shirt her hands could find. This happened to be the Empire State Building one that had fallen off a hanger in her closet. She’d noticed that it was riddled with wrinkles but didn’t want to take the time or effort to switch it for another. She could tell by the dripping on her neck that her hair was still very wet, after only a short towel-drying, and she hadn’t even bothered to run a brush through it. Her mind was elsewhere and she was letting it show. And, again, she didn’t feel like fixing it.

“Oh… yeah, I’m just tired,” she said, slinging her backpack over her shoulder and heading towards the door.

“Uh huh…” Missy started. “Late night?” she asked with one eyebrow raised.

Adrienne hesitated for a second with her hand on the doorknob. It surprised her at first to hear this from her, but then again, it didn’t at all. Missy was the only one who kept up with the lies she fed her parents about going to see Billie Joe. It made sense that she’d found out- who knows how long ago- that Adie had been sneaking out at night.

Still, her reflexes and logical reactions had taken the day off. Without turning around, she said, simply, “Stop checking in on me, Miss,” and walked out.

It might have been in her subconscious the entire time, but as soon as Adie started walking to school, she’d decided to skip. The whole act of getting ready was a charade, whether she knew about it or not. While she still hated the idea of getting behind, she hated the idea of sitting in classes, lifeless and not paying attention, dreading the thought of another day, even more.

The only problem was, she didn’t know where to go. The whole point of leaving was to get Missy off her back, so she knew that going back wasn’t an option. She could wander around Rodeo and Pinole for awhile, but that always left open the prospect of being seen by someone she knew- like Billie Joe. This was also not an option.

While she was thinking about what to do next, she decided she needed to call herself in first. She didn’t want her parents to find out she’d skipped, so the only thing she could do was call in as her mother. This was easily done, as there were payphones everywhere and Adie sounded remarkably like her mother on the phone.

But even after that was done, Adie still didn’t know where to go. So, she pulled out her bus pass and hopped a bus to San Francisco.

The bus ride was busy at first, with people boarding and leaving, trying to make it to work on time. Eventually, though, it calmed down. Adie took a seat in the back, by the window. She’d only been to San Francisco once, and that was with her parents. Adie hated car rides with her parents so she usually listened to music or slept. So, Adie didn’t recall much of that trip. Now, however, even though she was sleep deprived and lethargic, she looked wide awake. She watched everything go by, letting her mind wander to what it was avoiding.

Billie Joe.

Even with all of the turmoil and anger involved in the night before, she couldn’t deny how it made her feel as a whole- good. If there was anyone she could lose her virginity to, she was sincerely glad it was Billie Joe. It was the factors that surrounded the situation now that scared her out of her mind. She had no idea what was going on.

Finally, after repeated traffic jams, the bus made it over the Bay Bridge, and the city surrounded her. While she didn’t want to admit it to herself, she knew the whole time where she would get off at. It was the same place she went last time, with her parents. Still, she waited patiently, silently pretending she might choose not to get off there. As if she just wanted to ride a bus for the sake of it.

But as soon as the bus pulled up the University of San Francisco, Adie stood up and got off.

She looked up at the same towers that were there when she came with her mother and father. She’d remembered this place clearly, perhaps even clearer now, as she’d just dreamt about it the night before.

Before Adrienne decided on attending the University of Minnesota, this was her first choice. Naturally, with the close proximity to Billie Joe, her mother was furious about it. Her father knew what was fueling Adie’s determination to go here, and he disagreed with it entirely. In a way, he was right. Adie’s major was dentistry and this school didn’t even have a school of medicine. Minnesota was the college that Adie truly fell in love with- it had a school of dentistry. Everything about that college was perfect for her and she dreamed about the life she’d lead once she got there. On the other hand, San Francisco was a bus ride away from Billie Joe. Frighteningly enough, it took a lot of drive and discipline to turn her head away from San Francisco. While she knew the whole time the college was all wrong for her, she almost did it for Billie Joe. He would have felt guilty about it if he ever knew, so she never told him. Not even when she was almost 100% sure she was going there. And this was precisely why- so he never got his hopes up. But still, looking at this place now, for reasons she didn’t quite understand, made her wonder if she had made the right choice. She could, after all, change her mind. There was still time. But was it worth it?

After Adie walked around a bit and bought some lunch, she decided she’d killed enough time before she needed to get back. She caught the bus again and napped all the way back to Rodeo, worn out from simply thinking and living. The timing was perfect and when she walked back through her front door, it was so close to the normal time she got home from school that Missy didn’t suspect a thing.

Adrienne went straight to her room without a word and didn’t come out all night. People were just too much for her right now. She wouldn’t even speak to them if they didn’t ask her questions. When they asked her what she was doing, she just said she had a lot of homework. And when supper was ready, she just had a stomach ache. The entire time, however, she was in bed with the lights off, staring at the ceiling. She couldn’t understand why she felt this way. There was something about her stomach that felt like it was going to fall out of her and land on her feet. Breathing made tears form in her eyes and every time she shut her eyes images flashed so rapidly that she was content to just hold them open.

And then she realized. It was heartbreak. But why?

And as if the answer was crystal clear, her unlocked window opened and in the darkness, Billie Joe stumbled over the windowsill.

“80. What’s wrong? I mean, why…. I have to talk to you,” he said just slightly above a whisper. He sounded nervous.

Adrienne sat up in bed and hesitated before she walked over to her light switch and flipped it on. When Billie Joe could finally see Adie, it wasn’t the unkempt hair or the disheveled clothes that made his mouth open. It was the red, sore, tear-stained eyes that stared back at him.

“Oh, Adie,” he said, walking over to her and hugging her. Normally, this would have driven her to more tears, but they seemed to be dried up. He pulled away from her and looked at her.

“What’s wrong?”

She looked down, begging for something to take her attention. Something besides his piercing green eyes.

“I just… I don’t… feel right,” was all she could say.

“Adie…,” he started. “I’m sorry. Last night it… we… It wasn’t how it should have happened.”

“It shouldn’t have happened at all,” she said, surprising herself and drawing a hurt look from Billie Joe.

“Oh… I mean-“

“I can’t believe you would do it,” she said, looking up at him, scowling.

“What? Me?” he asked, shocked and becoming defensive. “Adie… it was both of us.”

“It meant so fucking much to me,” she started, and then the tears appeared. “I can’t believe you would… taint it like that.”

“Hold up, Adie. You never once said stop,” Billie fired back.

“I didn’t want to at the time.”

“And that’s my fault?” he asked, pointing at his chest.

“It’s your fault for… for… everything!” Adie said, turning around to face the wall. She sounded hysterical and Billie Joe was completely lost.

“What? What did I do? What the fuck are you talking about?!”

Adie hesitated for a second, trying to catch her breath and collect herself. Finally she turned around slowly.

“You would use something so big… so important to me to mock me, or what? I mean,” she added, shaking her head, “I don’t understand. Was it like a big finale? The last hurrah before the… the… goodbye?”

Billie stared at her for what felt like an eternity for both of them.

“Adrienne… what goodbye? What are you talking about?”

“You don’t plan on continuing this, so why not just do it now? I’m not letting you get away with just last night. I want to hear you say it,” she said through gritted teeth, obviously feeling pain from just speaking the words.

Realization hit Billie Joe and his stomach dropped. He had to take a deep breath before he started talking. He grabbed Adie’s hands and held them.

“You thought that was a “goodbye?” You thought I was going to break up with you after that?” he asked sincerely.

Adie could only nod.

“Adrienne… I would never do that. Why would I break up with you? I never said-“

“But you did,” she cut him off. Hope had started to form in her heart, but it was still met with a lot of confusion and skepticism. “At the park. You said we couldn’t continue this after I left. That it would only hurt us.”

Billie looked at his shoes. She was right, he had said that. And even now, he didn’t immediately refute the statement. He still believed in what he said- that it would hurt them a lot and that it might not be worth it. But that was the difference now- might. There was that small chance that it would be worth it. He thought back to last summer, his summer without Adie when he had invited Baily on the tour almost a year ago. It seemed so long ago, and yet the feelings it gave him were clear as day. It brought on this empty pit in his stomach- in his heart. It was a void he learned only Adie could fill and he didn’t want to feel it emptied again. He couldn’t.

“80, I’m so sorry you thought that. And I’ll admit- I did say that. And I meant it. But,” he added when her face fell. “I don’t want to lose you. I can’t lose you. I don’t care where you go or… or what you do. I just want to be with you. Always,” he said, bringing her hands to his mouth and kissing them.

For the first time all day Adrienne felt happy and at peace- and stupid. But her stupidity didn’t matter now. Nothing mattered now. It felt so foolish to have cared so much already. To have been so heartbroken over something she didn’t even fully understand. But she didn’t care.

They kissed, slowly and lovingly, enjoying the feeling of each other for several seconds. Finally, Adie broke away.

“Billie I… I realized today that I can’t lose you either. That… well… I love you,” she said, looking straight into his eyes. The same eyes that were piercing before that were now nothing short of beautiful.

“80, I’ve loved you for longer than you could possibly imagine.”

Adrienne smiled.

“I’m sure I could imagine.”