Full Moon

Love is like war. Easy to start but so hard to end.

Once a month, I look up to the sky and see a very mesmerizing silver-ish plate looking, up in the sky. As I look at it, I always thought that Full Moon means nothing but bad luck. I remembered my Dad leaving us for another woman and letting my Mom sob endlessly as I gaze up at the sky focusing to the light that the Full Moon gives us to avoid the tears forming in my eyes.

And now as I sat here on one of the benches here at the park with the wild lights that the streetlamps effortlessly blinding me, I accidentally looked at the sky and noticed that it’s the Eve of the Full Moon. I sighed as I remembered that this stupid silver-ish is the symbol of rejection, anxiety and depression of my life.

“Hey.”

My body electrified as I heard a voice coming from my back. I was surprised, scared, yet relieved by hearing the familiar voice. Maybe because I knew who owns that majestically, soft and calm voice was.

It was Him.

I looked at his turquoise mellow eyes that’s eating me up inside. I feel wonder, passion, happiness…

Love.

“What are you doing here?” I asked him, not moving an inch and my eyes glued to his.

“I’ve been looking for you.” he replied, softly.

He sat next to me and noticed that he doesn’t want to ruin my moment. He tried not to touch me or even feel me up but I feel the exact opposite. I want him to touch me, caress me and take a hold of me. So I reached his hand and entwined our hands together. I noticed that he looked at it for a while and pulled away.

What’s wrong? What have I done this time? What is the problem? I have so many questions to ask but I have this certain feeling that I’m not going to like what would his response will turn out to be. So instead, I just kept my mouth shut and stared back at the moon in awe.

“We need to talk.”

The moment I heard those 4 stupid words, I felt like my heart was shattered into a million pieces. I already know what that meant and what he wants to happen.

I tried to remain focus. Calm and collected. Just like him.

“When I was little, I used to be afraid of Full Moons.” I told him.

“I’ve been thinking about…About what happened last night…” I heard him stuttering. I could tell that he is nervous and scared.

But I don’t want to hear what he will say next so I proceeded with my little agenda.

“Don’t you want to know why I was afraid?”

I thought he’s not going to respond and instead, get mad at me for ignoring him but I was surprised as he pulled out an anxious sigh.

“I know why. Because you think that bad things happen on a full moon. That everyone would suffer and receive pain and that the vampire lore, the werewolf stuff—that it’s based on documented truth.” He replied frustrated.

“That’s right. There could be monsters in this park right now. Just because we don’t see them doesn’t mean they’re not here. At least that’s what they say. Good thing you gave me that necklace remember?” I told him, weakly.

“Of course.” He told me flatly. I could tell that he’s annoyed.

“You told me that the Rune is the key to eternal life, that it would protect me even when you weren’t around to do it yourself. I never take it off.” I told him sadly as I looked deeply in his eyes.

That perfect face…I would never ever forget.

I pulled out the necklace and showed it to him.

The Rune is the perfect thing ever in my life. It is the most important and magnificent thing that I ever owned.

But instead of looking at it, he glanced away looking kind of distracted.

“Look, about last night…I—we—it was a mistake.”

He looked deeply into my eyes, full of remorse.

I felt like my world’s going to explode. But I have to remember, be calm. Maybe you can get away with this even just for the night.

“Personally, I think there’s something to it. The werewolves and vampire theory, I mean.” I said, trying to smile.

“ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME?” he practically screamed with mad expression on his face.

Now I’m 100% sure that this is going to be the last time I can actually talk and let him feel that I’m crazy in love with him. But even though my mind says a lot of things, I cannot speak; I feel a lump on my throat. And I practically got tongue tied. So instead, I remained silent for a while and stared at the necklace.

“It never should have happened. And it can never happen again.” He continued chewing his lip ring looking like a God fallen into the Earth.

He stood up and walked away, without even looking or saying Goodbye.

I tried to hold back my tears like what I’ve been trying to do from the past years of my life. When my Dad left us, I suddenly felt that kind of pain again only much more painful. It felt like a thunderstorm grabbed my heart and arched it with an arrow. For the second time, a guy would leave me again.

“I remembered the first time I saw you. You walked into class and I just felt something…I can’t describe it. I’d never felt like that before.”

And for the first time in my life, a tear fell off my right cheek.

And then right after he heard my despair, he stopped.

“I had such a crush on you.” I whimpered.

He turned around and next thing I know, his deadly eyes are facing my wishy washy eyes again.

“Look, we both need to move on…” he started but I cut him off.

“You didn’t notice me at first. I was always trying to think of reasons to talk to you. And then one day you dropped your pencil and I remember, I remember I said…”

And now it’s his time to cut me off.

“You’re a nice girl, okay? It’s just that, well, I think we’re better off as friends.”

I stood up and crossed my arms angrily. I feel so mad, desperate knowing that he is breaking up with me. Again. And I know by this time, this will be for good.

“Are you breaking up with me again?” I shouted.

“It’s not like we were back together. We just hooked up, that’s all.” He shrugged.

HOW COULD HE?! How could he be so…Evil and such a jerk?

“There’s someone else, isn’t there?” I demanded.

Now I could feel that my heart is falling off. Literally.

“No…No.” he stumbled.

I sat back on the bench. I feel like I was defeated to a game that I mastered at. I hugged my knees and I stared at the moon trying to feel comfort but of course, I failed.

“I’ve heard rumors you know. A rumor you were seeing that cheerleader.” I said, as a matter-of-factly.

“So what if I am? Look, we had a good run. You and me. But were young you know?” he told me softly.

Silence filled our hearts and he started to walk out again.

I stood up.

“Don’t go.” I mumbled desperately.

But he continued to walk as if he didn’t hear a thing.

“I’ll die without you.” I finally confessed.

Boy, I am crazy about this boy and I’m not letting anyone or anything separate me from him.

By that, he stopped at his tracks as if he heard a massive bomb behind him. He turned around and faced me again. And for the billionth time, he looked perfect.

“Don’t talk crazy.” He finally said, shaking his head.

And that’s it. Everything turned back on me. Everyone leaving me, no one ever loved me. No one made me feel I’m worth it. I gave up. I broke down to tears. I’m sick and tired of people leaving me. People whom I thought loved me and made me believe that there is a happily ever after. Fairy tale writers suck.

I cried out loud as I felt someone sat beside me.

“You deserve someone who really cares about you.” He mumbled.

What is he talking about? He cares about me. So I deserve him. We are made for each other. We love each other. Its like, us against the world. But what was he talking about? Didn’t he loved me?

“I remember the first time we got together. You told me that I was special…that you had never felt like this about anyone before. That you loved me. Remember?” I asked frantically.

“I remember” he replied serenely.

“Was it a lie?” I snapped back. My heart skipped a beat.

“Of course not.” He defended strongly.

“When you first broke up with me I was so devastated, I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat…I couldn’t do anything. And then I thought…I’ll be okay as long as he doesn’t date anyone else. As long as he knows his heart still belongs to me. When I heard that you and that cheerleader were hanging out, I told myself that you guys were just friends. And last night, when you saw me talking to that guy, I could see the pain in your eyes and I knew you were jealous. I knew you still cared about me. And then you touched my arm. Remember? “I miss you” you said.” I collected my composure and sighed sadly.

He looked away and I caressed his arm.

“You still love me.” I told him.

“But that doesn’t change how I feel about us. I can’t…I don’t want a relationship right now.” He said, looking confused and worried.

“So we won’t call it a relationship. It’s just about what feels good. And this feels good.” I assured him, planting a triumphant smile on my face.

I cupped his cheeks and kissed him slowly and passionately. This was the best of the best kisses that we have shared. This tastes like a bittersweet romance, a fairy tale kind of type. The ultimate kiss that everyone called “The long lasting kiss.” The kiss that will last a lifetime.

Suddenly, he breaks away jumping to his feet.

I lost.

“No!” he back away.

I stood up and faced him.

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t want this…Us!” he disagreed violently.

My world is falling apart. I want to die.

“But you love me…” I tried to convince him again.

“Look, this…us, it’s not love. It’s something else” he tried to explain but nothing came out from his mouth. He dared to speak but hesitated. He knew it’ll make things more complicated.

“You’re wrong. It’s love for me. I’ve always loved you. From that first moment I saw you.” I responded weakly.

“Don’t say that. It’s not love…” he assured me holding back his tears.

This is enough. I managed to kiss him again with all my might. I don’t care what he might think, that I’m obsessed or probably crazy. I don’t care. I was hoping he would also give in but he resisted before responding in spite of himself.

“I’m not denying that you’re hot. I’ve always thought that. But what happened last night…it’s not going to happen again. We had too much drink. The moon, the beach…we’re only human…” he explained.

“Have you slept with her?” I asked him emotionless.

“This conversation is over.” He snapped back.

“Do you…do you love her?” I asked him trying to look confident.

“No.” as he shook his head.

I sat down again and looked back at the moon. It’s really beautiful. Now I appreciate it. I never thought it’s beautiful but from what I’m seeing now, I felt like it’s the most glamorous thing. I realized that whenever there’s a bad thing that is happening to me, he is always there to look up on. He is always there to keep me from tears that start forming in my eyes. Full Moon.

“Are you going to tell her about last night?” I asked him, still glancing up the sky.

“I’m hoping I don’t have to.” He replied, coolly.

I pulled out my mobile and started dialing the cheerleader's number. Pssh. Is this my revenge? Am I the antagonist now in the story and he was the protagonist? I don’t think so.

“What are you doing?” he asked me, curiously.

“Calling her.”

“No!” he shouted offensively.

“She needs to know the truth that you and I belong to each other. Otherwise last night never would have happened.” I screamed back at him.

“We don’t belong to each other! We never did! For God’s sake, you don’t even really know me.” He screamed loudly.

If there were birds at the park they should’ve died of heart attack because of the loudness in his voice.

“I know that you’re the type of guy who says hello to people everyone else ignores. I know you’re the type of guy who never makes fun of people less fortunate than you. I know that you like blueberries on your cereal and that you wear boxers not briefs and that you have…”I shoved him all the stuffs I knew about him. I know every little thing about him because I love him and he’s my life.

“I’m the type of guy who has sex with another girl when my girlfriend is on vacation with her family.” He told me with a smirk on his face.

This caught me. My heart got stoned. My heart burnt. My heart failed. My heart died. My heart had stop beating.

“What, what are you talking about?” I stuttered, catching my breath.

“Over the Christmas break when you guys were in Australia, I hooked up with a girl I met at a party.” He told me calmly yet full of guilt and anxiety.

I cannot believe this. For all those times, HE never lied to me. Yes he does foolish things but he easily tells me the truth.

“No. you called me every night. You told me you were just staying home and watching TV.” I shook my head in disbelief wishing that this thing never happened. Like this is just a dream. A nightmare.

“I lied.”

“Who…who was she?” I trembled.

“Just some girl. A friend of a friend.” He told me not looking into my eyes.

“What happened to her?” was all I could say and ask. I am powerless.

“She went back to college and, well, you came home.” He honestly responded.

“No, I don’t believe it.” I replied weakly. Ready to collapse anytime soon.

“I could have gotten away with it. You never would have known. I’m just telling you now to, well, to make things easier for you.” He mumbled exasperatedly.

I looked back at the moon. Stared at it and hoping that it would save me again from drowning into my own tears. Everything’s fucked up. Everything’s vague. Everything’s bittersweet. Everything’s painful.

“You see? I was right. There was a monster in this park. And it was right in front of my eyes the whole time.” I whispered intently, trying to hold back the tears.

He paused a while before turning and walking back.

“Is this the beginning of our last dance?” I asked him but he’s invisible already.

Do you know the most surprising part about heartache? It doesn't actually kill you. Like a bullet to the heart, or a head-on car wreck, it should. When someone you've promised to love forever says, "I never loved you," it should kill you instantly. You shouldn't have to wake up day after day after that trying to understand how the fuck you didn't know.

Love is like war. Easy to start but so hard to end.

I took off the necklace and stared at it for the last time. I placed it on the bench and looked back at the beautiful moon that guides me. The moon saved me. It’s not a bad luck after all. It’s my protector from everything. I stood up, left the necklace and walked away.

Life’s been terrible to me, thus with the moon, I die.