The Beauty in Filth

“Before you turn those cameras on, I would like to make something quite clear.”

“Of course, Aoi-san.”

“If a question is too personal, I won’t answer it. Some demons…I choose to leave them in the past. Some things…I would prefer not to divulge them to the public. Many things are better left unknown by the masses. Do you understand me, sir?”

“Of course.”

“Go ahead, then.”

“First question?”

“Sure, why not.”

“How do you feel about the success of your new album?”

“Fine, I suppose. There’s really not much to say about it. I’m not new to the music business, so I have had enough success to make me as happy as money can make a man.”

“And your band? Do you believe that there is, or was, a…fatigue…of producing corporate tracks over and over again?”

“Our songs are not corporate tracks. Those songs…Ruki put much of his heart into those words, and the rest of the music came from our hearts. Uruha, Kai, Reita, and myself…well, we are no less important than Ruki.”

“Which songs do you think had the most emotion behind them?”

“Most likely Reila, Taion, Cassis, and Guren- in that order. I remember the heartbreak Ruki experienced when his girlfriend killed herself. It ate him apart for so long after that, and we were all surprised when a song came of it. Taion, however, came from something far before our time. Did you ever hear the story of Junko Furuta?”

“No, Aoi-san, I’m afraid I have not.”

“I must admit my surprise, sir.”

“I failed history in high school, Aoi-san.”

“I see. Well, she was brutally murdered twenty years ago. We were all very young if we’d been born yet at all. None of us knew the girl, but it was such a part of Japan’s history that we wrote a song about it. I don’t remember Kai crying so much during recording sessions than the ones we spent putting Taion together.”

“What is the story behind Guren? If you don’t mind me asking, of course.”

“I cannot tell you that.”

“Why?”

“It is not my story to tell. Simple as that.”

“Would you like a cigarette?”

“Sure.”

“Here you go.”

“Arigatou.”

“Do you miss them, Aoi-san?”

“Miss who?”

“Them. Your-“

“My band mates.”

“Yes.”

“Of course I miss them. Wouldn’t you, if one day you got on a plane, the plane went down, and you got to watch the fires try to swallow up your friends? Wouldn’t you, if you personally dragged each of them from the flames, even after they’d gone unconscious?”

“You don’t have to-“

“Only Ruki and I are left, and a comatose man doesn’t do much singing, so we can’t exactly produce an album, you know?”

“Which of them do you miss most? That is, if you can-“

“Uruha.”

“Why him?”

“I loved him. That is why. He was more than just a band mate. He was the man I wanted to give my heart to forever, and then he ended up being the first one to suffocate…Such a thing makes me wish I had not survived.”

“And yet you still smoke.”

“Yes. I still smoke.”

“Was that a smile?”

“I don’t care if I get cancer. I just want to be with them again. Ruki cannot provide much conversation while in a coma, and the other three lie beneath headstones. They were my everything, you know? And now I have nothing. Would you want to live after something like that?”

“No.”

“That is what I thought.”

“What about that ring there, on the necklace?”

“That I will not talk about.”

“Why not?”

“Uruha gave that to me. I would rather keep one good memory to myself.”

“My apologies, Aoi-san.”

“It is fine…Next question.”

“What will you do now?”

“Now that they are gone?”

“Hai.”

“I suppose I will attempt to move on. I’ll try meeting new people and try to at least temporarily fill the hole in my life that has been torn away from me. I’ll visit Ruki as much as possible, and I’ll try to find someone that can love me almost as well as Uruha did.”

“What would Uruha have done if had been you that had died and he had been left here, where you are now, without someone to love him?”

“I suppose he would move on as quickly as he could. You see, some people can handle large amounts of change in their lives. They embrace it, even. But Uruha and I…we banished change. We could not handle change. He would deal with the change by finding someone else, but I doubt he would expect me to do the same.”

“How would he feel if he looked down on you and saw that you had moved on? Would he be offended? Would he think that you did not love him?”

“No. He would be surprised. He knows…knew…how poorly I adapt to things, and if he saw that I was with someone new, trying to fill up the hole that he’d left, no matter how unwillingly, I’d like to believe that he’d be happy for me. He has only ever wanted the best for me, and he would want me to find someone.”

“Even if it is a woman?”

“I don’t care about gender. Uruha was the warmest lover I had ever had, and he was the most sensitive. If it is a man that fills his place, or at least tries to, that’s just great. If it is a woman, then so be it. I wouldn’t mind not being alone, no matter who I am with, even though it cannot be him.”

“So you are alone, then. Even with the horde of fans that are there to support you?”

“Many of them do not support me. They support…supported, I should say…the idea of me. They support the idea of The GazettE. I am not sure they would know who I am if I walked around in public alone. Even though I will be doing much of that with my closest friends gone.”

“What of Ruki? Is there no hope for him?”

“Could you give me an ashtray? This cigarette isn’t quite doing what it should.”

“Certainly. Here.”

“Arigatou.”

“Would you like a new question?”

“No, I’ll answer this one. Ruki is…well, he was in terrible shape when I visited him last week. They say he is still borderline critical condition, with many burns on his face and a few remaining fractures, but they believe that this coma of his will only last as long as the injuries do.”

“And what do you think?”

“I am just happy that he did not die with them, even though I wish I could have.”

“Do you think he will survive?”

“I hope that he does. You have no idea how much I wish that he will survive this.”

“And if he doesn’t survive?”

“I will have nothing tying me to this world. If Ruki goes, then I will go too.”

“But you are only thirty, Aoi-san. Are you so hopeless?”

“No, I am not hopeless. I have plenty of hope right now, except I do not have the gratitude to match it. I am not grateful that my lover died holding onto my hand and I could not go with him. I am not grateful that the best musicians in Japan passed on without a fighting chance without me to go with them. I am not grateful that Ruki’s family has had to watch him in a coma for five months. His burns have almost healed and most of the broken bones have repaired themselves, but still he sleeps, as though nothing can waken him. I am grateful for none of that. I am never grateful for pain...I didn’t even get to kiss Uruha goodbye, you know?”

“Do you want me to publish that?”

“It is your choice. And you do not have to speak so softly to me. I am no child. I came to terms with their deaths long ago.”

“My apologies.”

“Will there be any remarks about my tears if I remove my sunglasses?”

“Of course not, and I will not mention that you were crying, if you so wish it.”

“Go ahead and say that I cried. The idea does not shame me. I just don’t want to be ridiculed for my tears… that is all.”

“You have such hopeless eyes, Aoi-san.”

“…next question, please.”

“Which of your band’s songs is most difficult for you to listen to?”

“Cassis.”

“And why is that?”

“It reminds me of him…it reminds me so much of him…I mean, for God’s sake, his solo broke my heart when he was alive…and now, now that he isn’t…the idea of hearing that song is much too much for me to bear.”

“What about that ring on your finger, Aoi-san?”

“He gave me that as well…a year and a half ago. Kai, Ruki, and Reita were the only attendants.”

“So he was your-“

“He was my husband, yes. And I was his. I told you that I loved him, so it should not surprise you to hear that he loved me.”

“How much, would you say, did he love you?”

“That I will not answer with your cameras on. That, friend, is too personal.”

“Of course. Cameras off, guys.”

“Thank you.”

“Alright. Cameras are off. I won’t record your answer if you don’t want me to. Do you still want to answer the question?”

“Yes, and you may publish it if you wish. The love between Uruha and I…it was so great…I’m sorry, I-“

“You don’t have to answer if it makes you cry like this, Aoi-san.”

“No, I- He loved me so much that, for our anniversary, a month before the crash that claimed him...good God…he went out and purchased a beautiful music box that played ‘Cassis’. When I opened it, I found a note inside. On the…on the note, he’d written…he’d written ‘even if….even if your feelings grow distant tomorrow, surely my…surely my love will remain unchanged’. Without the breaks, because of course, a man does not cry with his writing.”

“I don’t remember those words from any of the lyrics.”

“He translated them into English so that they would be more meaningful.”

“Do you still have the box?”

“No, because it was lost in that fire, but I have always kept the note. Right here, in my wallet. Here. You can look at it if you like. Just please be careful with it.”

“Of course. Wow…such love and devotion.”

“A dead man’s love does not die with him, my friend. A dead man’s love stays behind to be with those that he loved while he was alive. A dead man does not let those he loves suffer. That is why I keep the note with me. I like to be reminded of it, even if I myself doubt it.”

“And you still love him.”

“Unconditionally and without a doubt, yes, I do still love him very much.”

“Here, you can have it back; I don’t want to tear it or anything.”

“Arigatou.”

“Well it seems that I really have no more to ask you, Aoi-san. Would you have anything to say, you know, for the cameras to be turned back on? Anything for friends, family, fans? I mean, your eyes are awfully bloodshot, but…”

“No. Turn your cameras back on. I do have something to say to them.”

“Back on, boys…okay, they’re back on. You okay?”

“Yes, I will be fine. Do you have tissue? Oh thank you. Yes, I should be better now.”

“You said while our cameras were off that you wanted to tell the good people that may be watching this something important.”

“Yes. I did.”

“And what would that be?”

“Keep moving forward. If I can keep fighting onward, so can the people of Japan, and I lost the man I loved. Yes…that is my message. The people should stay strong, and if they could keep my closest friend, Ruki, in their thoughts, then perhaps he will recover more rapidly.”

“Is that all?”

“Yes.”

“Thank you for your time, and thank you for sharing with us...for offering your thoughts, for opening up your emotions.”

“Of course...and thank you for listening.”

“Always, Aoi-san. Alright, boys, cut it…oh, you don’t have to bow to me, Aoi-san. I should have to bow to you.”

“You will do no such thing. Here, allow me to show you and your crew to the door.”

“Arigatou, Aoi-san. Arigatou gazaimusu. I do hope that Ruki recovers. It would be a terrible loss for you and for Japan if he were to pass on, too.”

“Thank you. Good day to you, sir.”

“And to you, Aoi-san. I wish you luck, and I do hope Ruki awakens soon.”

“Arigatou. Goodnight.”