It's All in the Past

The thick maple door loomed over my 5”4’ frame. After three sharp knocks on the door, I waited on an answer.

As if on cue, my heart sped up, my hands began to sweat, and my head began to swim. Before anything could affect me too much, the door opened to reveal the comforting smile of my brother.

Upon seeing his face, all my previous fears drained away, “Ryland,” I breathed, slinging my arms around his neck.

His face lit up as he set his sights on me. “April!” he exclaimed, wrapping his arms around me.

“I’m sorry it’s been so long…” I whispered, my sentence trailing off.

It had been four years since I’d seen my brother.

“Its fine, I’m just so glad to have you back,” he smiled as he pulled me into his apartment.

He had no idea why I’d left, no one did. No one except me.

I sat down on his couch, as the sun’s rays illuminated everything in sight, covering it in a soft golden glow. We sat in a comfortable silence just happy to be in each other’s company.

The silence was interrupted by that all too familiar voice, “Ry? You in here?”

And there he was. His dark brown hair falling delicately over his face, his olive skin giving off
a slight glow in light, right then I knew it was mistake to come back.

With no warning, I grabbed my bag and ran out of the door. The two men both called my name, but it was pointless, I had to leave. Being in there was too much.

I walked along the streets which over time had become alien to me. Turning left, turning right, I hadn’t a clue where I was going. I meandered onto a quiet street, no sounds to be heard except the hollow step of my cork wedges.

After a few minutes, a strange feeling set in. The feeling that you know someone’s following you, the feeling you get before you even need to turn around. A second set of footsteps fell into a forced rhythm with my own. As I slowed, so did they, as I quickened their pace once again matched my own.

My feet carried me as fast as they could; my mind was running in overdrive. Suddenly, I realised there was no one else around.

The jade wedges that adorned my feet were slowing me down. Pounding down the uneven sidewalk, I tried to keep calm. I tried to think of happy things, my friends, my family, anything that could take my mind off of what my current situation was.

Then it happened. That stray rock. I stumbled, I lost my balance and tumbled to the dirty ground. I looked up, frightened, I noticed I was in a side street. A tall, built man with dirty blonde hair charged towards me.

The only thing that was running through my mind was, this is it, I’m going to die. I thought I was going to spend my last minutes being violated in a dingy alley.

The man caught up with me, and then his hands were everywhere. I immediately felt violated, like any innocence that was still bottled up inside me had vanished. Unclean, horrible, used, disgusting, were all words that came to mind. His sharp gruff moans imprinted in my mind.

I wished for it to end, pleading with God. I was never religious, but at that time I wanted to believe.

It all happened so quickly, I saw a flash and then my attacker groaned in pain.

Alex stood above me, his knuckles bleeding slightly. He looked at me as I lay on the ground, my lower half completely bare. His eyes conveyed a mix of pity and anger.

His shoes made no sound as he crouched down beside me, to put me out of my shame; he pulled my summer dress back down. I would have done it myself, but I felt paralysed, my limbs not wanting to act on the persistent commands of my brain.

He held out his hand to me to help me off the ground, but thought better of it. He placed an arm under my neck and another under my knees and picked me up. Sorrow resided in his eyes as he looked at me once more, “April…” he whispered.

We left my attacker unconscious and bleeding, not caring whether he lived or died. At that point, he could rot in hell for all I cared.

I leaned my head against his shoulder, taking in his scent. It took me back to happier times, four years prior to be exact.

It was a perfect summer’s day in New York City, I sat in Central Park with my boyfriend Alex. We passed the time by looking at each other, just staring deep into each other’s eyes.

“I love you, April,” he smiled dreamily at me.

At that moment, my heart broke into two. I loved him with all of my being, but I hadn’t told him I was leaving. I couldn’t. I didn’t have the heart to hurt him like that.

So what did I do? I left, without any warning. I packed my things and left for the other side of the country. I didn’t tell anyone, not even my family.

As I lay in his arms, the thumping pain in the back of my head overwhelmed me. It took over and I slipped in to a world of unconsciousness.

My mind was thick with haze as my eyelids fluttered open. They then snapped shut again, I hissed at the overpowering fluorescent light.

From the sound of a steady, rhythmic beat I knew I was in hospital. I looked around the room and saw Alex slumped in a chair, snores periodically escaping his lips. He looked adorable; I saw the familiar way his lips were permanently curled up into a smile as he slept. It was a trait of his that I always loved.

I wriggled in my bed, aiming to get up, but my bruised ribs stopped me, and caused me to cry out in pain.

“April?” he questioned quietly as he stood up and stretched. Quickly, he walked over to my bedside, “how’re you feeling?”

I tried to speak and it felt like someone was dragging rusty nails up and down the inside of my throat. Unable to speak, I motioned toward the jug of water on the bedside table, which was bare bar the aforementioned water.

The cool liquid soothed my throat, and I was able to croak, “I’m okay, just a little sore.” I smiled up at him.

A period of silence ensued, it was very uncomfortable. The many unspoken things between us were piled up and ready to spill out.

My gaze fell upon his figure; he had his head in his hand, “Why did you come after me?”

His brown eyes lifted up and looked straight at me, his stare penetrating my eyes. “When you took off like that last night, I needed to know why…” he paused, before letting a huge sigh out. “After what happened before, it was like a replay, and this time I wasn’t going to let you slip away.”

Small, salty tears streaked down my face from the sheer pain that was conveyed through his voice. It was agony to hear. “Thank you,” I whispered at a barely audible volume. “How did you find me?”

“I ran out of the apartment after you, but you were too quick. I searched for you for about half an hour before I heard your cries coming from the alley. Then I heard that…monster. My anger just took over and I punched him, harder than I’ve ever punched anyone in my life.” I watched as his hands trembled as he relayed the previous night’s events to me.

“Alex, I can’t tell you this enough, but thank you so much. I probably wouldn’t be here without you.” I said, tears still streaming down my face.

“Don’t talk like that, love.” He said adamantly back, before he realised what he called me.
‘Love’ was what he always called me when we were together, it was strangely comforting to hear it again, and I couldn’t help but let a smile creep onto my face.

“How long have you been here?” I questioned him, noting that he was still wearing the same clothes as the day before.

“I haven’t left since they brought you in. Ryland was here until about two hours ago, he was terrible. I sent him home with Marie to get some sleep.”

My mouth contorted into a look of sadness at the mention of my brother’s distress. At least he had his girlfriend to help him. Even so, I wanted to see him.

“Could you ask him to come down here please?” I asked, feeling infantile because I had to rely on others to do the simplest of things for me as I couldn’t do them myself.

Alex nodded his head, causing his dishevelled brown hair to mirror this action. He left the room, the door making a quiet click as he left.

Twenty long minutes passed before Ryland burst into the room, followed by the meek form which was his girlfriend.

His strong arms wrapped around me as he rested his head on top of my own. I pulled him close, my brother had always been the dominant male figure in my life and I relied on him. A content sigh found its way from my mouth, I heard sniffs from above. Matched with uneasy breathing I could tell Ryland was crying.

I pulled away from him and wiped the tears that fell from the corners of his eyes. The pads of my thumbs grazed over his skin. “Don’t cry…I’m fine.”

“April, I’m so glad you’re okay,” he breathed with an obvious sense of relief. His face suddenly turned and anger flooded his usually happy features. “I hope that bastard gets what he deserves,” he hissed, a side of him I’d never seen being unleashed.

Marie stood in the corner, shuffling, shifting her weight from foot to foot. She looked clearly uncomfortable; she was a shy girl but a lovely person. I didn’t feel offended, that was just how she was.

“Why don’t you take Marie home?” I suggested and motioned over in her direction. Ryland nodded calmly and hugged me once more before taking his girlfriend by the hand and leading her from the room.

Just as they left, Alex re-entered the room, passing Ryland and Marie. He came and sat down on my bed, and without any words, he wrapped me in a hug. I felt safe, and at ease after the previous night’s events it was a welcome change. I don’t know how long we stayed like that for, but in time a small blonde haired nurse who I knew as ‘Annie’ interrupted us.

She smoothed down her purple scrubs, “sorry to interrupt, but visiting hours are over.” She smiled sadly before leaving the room without a sound.

Alex looked down at me, and kissed my forehead. He turned around on the balls of his feet, grabbed his coat and walked out of the door.

I sat on the bed, suddenly feeling completely alone. Loneliness – the feeling I feared the most. And all too quickly, the dislike for this feeling doubled, or probably tripled. The countless number of things that could happen to a single person whilst they were alone never ceased to scare me.

I tried anything and everything to take my mind off of that fact I was alone, and nothing worked. My last resort was to try and get some sleep, and that’s exactly what I did. I tried.

Two and a half hours later and nothing but failed attempts to slip into semi-consciousness, I gave up and turned on the TV. I hoped the background noise would ease my anxieties.

I mindlessly flicked through the channels, cursing it for being so late at night which meant that only re-runs and infomercials were playing.

“Miss?” the same blonde nurse from earlier entered the room. “I’m sorry, but it’s too late for you to have the TV on.” She smiled regretfully at me prior to leaving the room.

“Damn it,” I muttered under my breath as I pressed the circular red button at the top of the battered black remote.

Leaning into the softness of the plump white pillows, I closed my eyes. I heard the distinct click of the door being opened, without opening my eyes, I said “Yes Annie?”

“Well, I know I’m dressed like a doctor, but I didn’t think I looked that different.” His cheery voice spoke.

My eyes snapped open, and a grin immediately made its way onto my face. “Alex? What are you doing here?”

“Well, I know how much you hate being alone – especially at night,” I couldn’t help but love his consideration, and memory! “So, hey presto! This Halloween costume came in handy.”

He grinned at me.

“How did no one notice you don’t actually work here?” I questioned.

“Half the people on duty are asleep, and the other half succumbed to my irresistible Spanish charm.” He laughed, while I did the same.

“Even the guys?” my eyebrows raising of their own accord.

He nodded in confirmation. “Even the guys.”

As he walked over, a purposeful edge to him, I subconsciously moved over on the bed, leaving enough space for him to lie down next to me. He wrapped an arm around my shoulders, and out of habit, I rested my head in the crook of his neck.

We sat in a comfortable silence, watching the moonlight pour into the room and cover everything in its path in a silver glow.

What could’ve been hours or minutes later, I felt him press a kiss to the top of my head.

“I never stopped loving you…” he whispered into my hair at a barely audible level.

Those few words meant so much to me and without saying anything; I tilted my head up and pushed my lips to his own.

“Neither did I honey, neither did I…”