How to Make a Human

Mae and I arrived home after taking our sweet time and explaining in thorough detail our second day of school. Mae's day included her orchestra teacher complimenting her form, getting an A on some pop quiz, hanging out with Lida, Tom, and Jake, her new "group," and seeing a squirrel get run over. My day consisted of being taken to lunch, stealing a car, returning said car, laughing awkwardly, showing up late to class, receiving detention, painting my soul, making a friend, watching two friends fight, showing up to detention, getting out of detention, revealing the mystery of the Bear's and Shane's disdain, and confirming a friend's coolness.

Who's day was cooler? Definitely mine.

When we arrived at our house my Opa was out front admiring our new flowerbeds. The walkway leading to our house had an array of purple, yellow, and white flowers. There was a freshly planted tree, a birdbath, and a birdfeeder on one side of the walkway, and on the other side there was a large, black plastic pond, placed in the ground, surrounded by grass, but empty of water.

"When did this happen?" I asked, walking across the lawn to my Opa's side. Mae joined me, looking thoroughly bored.

"Just this morning!" he boasted proudly. "I called the gardener and told him to make my house lovely and he did an extraordinary job of it! Look at these!"

He gestured wildly to the flowers, "Do you know how low maintenance they are? Water them once a day and that's it! Your Oma loves 'em!"

"And that?" I pointed to the sad looking pond.

"Well, we'll need to fill that… but it should look great!" he cheered.

"This will be a nice place to practice," Mae commented. I could already imagine her sitting in the sun by a glimmering pond, playing the violin beautifully, surrounded by a whole flurry of cute woodland creatures.

"It's great, Opa," I confirmed. Our house looked less like the rape house from CSI, and that was definitely a plus. Opa grabbed the hose and threw it in the pond, shouting something about how he would work on the pond and how we should go live our youth before we get old and easily excited by gardening.

"Hi Oma!" I called when I entered the house. Mae silently went to her room.

"I'm in the kitchen!" she shouted in response, "And don't yell!"

Damn hypocrite. I entered the kitchen to see my Oma leaning over the counter, her ear pressed tightly to the phone as she spoke in German, shuffling from side to side and twirling the phone chord in her finger.

"Ja, ja. Sehr gut. Wann wird er hier sein? Am Freitag? Wir sind Glück wir haben ein Extrazimmer![1]"

She waved at me to sit down and I did, grabbing an apple from the counter and biting off a huge chunk. She continued to speak in German before she finally hung up the phone and turned to me. Her face shifted to one of disgust.

"What cow sized bites! Nibble food! Don't inhale it!" she lectured.

"Sowwy," I apologized through a mouth full of apple, coughing a chunk that had yet to be chewed into my hand.

"Uh, there is no hope for you," she rolled her eyes. "How was your day?"

I chewed and swallowed before smiling, "Great."

Oma smiled too and patted my hand, "I'm glad to hear that."

She retracted her hand and stood up, beginning to bustle around the kitchen, "Anyway, you know your cousin Ben?"

"Yeah… isn't he living in Germany with his parents right now?"

"Well… for a couple of months he has been, yes, but we've been tossing around the idea of him coming to stay with us for a while. He doesn't speak German very well, just barely enough to get by. In Germany he'd have to go to a private English school, and you know how pricey that would be," she explained. Yes Oma, of course I know how pricey a private English school would be. When I get bored I simply look up the prices of these things, just in case it comes into play in casual conversation.

"And since it would be such a hassle for him to transfer, he'll probably just finish out his senior year with us at your school."

"Oh, neat!" I said enthusiastically. I liked my cousin Ben. He was like my cooler half. When I was younger Ben was like my older brother. He would always hang out with me, even if he had better plans. Just by hanging out with him I was automatically cooler. He even had the amazing ability to up my self-confidence and make me believe that I really was cool, in my own quirky way.

…And then he left and blah blah blah, I'm a nerd.

"I think he'll be staying in the computer room. Lord knows we won't use it. Why we have a computer is beyond me."

"Where will the computer go?" I asked, opening our freshly stocked refrigerator and looking around.

"We'll put it in the garage or something," she shrugged.

"Uhg. Seriously? That sounds like a pain," I mumbled.

"Oh, why do you care?" Oma scoffed, "You barely use it anyway."

"I use it for homework and stuff! Now when I have an assignment I'll have to do it in the freezing cold garage!" I whined.

"Would you prefer it if Ben slept in the Garage?" Oma snapped.

"…No."

"Good. Then stop whining. Go do your homework."

I sighed and slouched off to my room, straightening slightly when I heard Oma shout "for god's sake, Bobbie! Posture! Posture!"

I spread my homework out on my bed and sat in front of it, leaning into the mountain of pillows I had created. God, homework. I rarely ever ignore my homework, but oh, how tempting it was. I stared blankly at my ceiling.

Ben was coming into town. Was it a bad thing that I was sort of… bummed about him living with us? Ben was so cool! What if he was abducted into a popular crowd, leaving me behind in the dust? What if the only two (and a half, thank you, Demetri) friends I had left me for him when they realized how lame I was? What if… Ben realized that I have barely changed since he left?

Suddenly I found myself not wanting Ben to come home. I felt bad. I was being selfish. I was floating around in an ocean of self-pity and jealousy.

"So, Ben's coming to live with us, eh?" Mae asked, leaning against my doorway. I jumped when I heard her voice.

"Yeah, I guess," I answered, opening a random page in my math book to make it look like I was doing something productive.

"That's neat," she stated.

"Yeah, it'll be fun," I lied. Mae eyed me skeptically.

"You don't look so happy," she said bluntly.

"What? No! I'm seriously stoked!"

"Uh-huh." She took a seat next to me on my bed.

"I really love Ben," I sighed.

"I know."

"It's just-- gah. Nevermind. It's dumb."

"You won't lose any of your friends."

I was silent. She is so remarkably keen. Damn eight-year-olds.

"Seriously," she confirmed, pushing herself off of my bed and walking towards the door. She stopped at the doorway and turned to face me.

"I'm not joking. Your friends won't leave you. If they befriended you, then Ben definitely won't be the kind of friend they're after."

Though Mae pretty much told me that Ben was too cool for my friends and me, I wasn't offended. I was comforted.

If they actually wanted to be friends with me, then they clearly weren't looking for some miniature Brad Pitt.

Thank you Mae, my personal guru.

[1] Yes, yes. Very good. When will he be here? On Friday? We're lucky we have an extra room!