How to Make a Human

"The difference between this rollercoaster and other rollercoasters is the twists. Really, this one is more speed and spins, while most are speed and high drops. You know how most are all whoosh!" Shane lifted his arms up and then brought them down quickly fore emphasis. "Yeah, well this one is more like wah-woah-wee-woah!" This time he spun his arms around wildly.

"That sounds awesome, I guess," I answered, glancing at my watch absentmindedly. We had been in line for about fifteen minutes, and in that time Shane had given me every explanation he could think of for why this rollercoaster was the best for beginners and Demetri had occasionally snorted, rolled his, and/or glared at me. Things were not going well.

And then I didn't feel bad about snapping at Demetri. I felt proud. If he was going to continue to act snide and bitchy, then I would too. I am Bobbie, hear me roar! Granted, my roar is more of a raspy, frightened whimper, but that's better then staying silent. The line moved forward and I figured one or two more rides and we would be next.

Behind us in line was a nervous looking little boy, probably about nine or ten.

"You scared of rollercoasters too?" I asked, smiling. I was trying to sound comforting, but even to me I sounded constipated and frightened. My words were strangled by the bubbling sensation of pants-shitting fear.

"Yeah," he responded, his eyes trained on the cart whizzing past us. "Are you?"

Absolutely terrified. "Not scared exactly," I hedged.

"Hey, Bodello!" I turned around to see a tall, buff teen walking towards us, his light brown hair perfectly windblown by some nonexistent breeze. I recognized him from school. Derek Banderton. He was in my third period health class, he was funny, he was attractive, he was on the football team, he was smug, and he was cool, and that's all I've been able to gather about him. Demetri turned around, responding to his last name with an air of casualness.

"Derek, hey," he responded, giving a nod.

"Shane," Derek greeted, giving the awkward wave that you give when you know someone just enough to ask them what the homework was.

"Hey there, Derek. Nice polo shirt. You know, I may have owned that when I was seven." Shane chirped. Shane was so… Shane. There was no ill-intention behind anything he said, and yet here he was accidentally telling a muscular football player that he dressed like he was seven years old… Or maybe it was purposeful. Shane is Shane.

"Right, thanks, I guess," he answered. He looked to me and smiled, "Betty right?"

Bobbie, you dumb bastard. "Uh, well, actually it's Bobbie." I smiled brightly. I was getting seriously sick of people getting my name wrong. It's only two syllables! How hard can it be?

"Oh, my bad. Didn't Mrs. Beakon call you the wrong name, like, ten times or something like that?"

"Uh, something like that… are you in that class?"

"No, I heard from Bear," Derek shrugged. "She says you're funny."

"Oh… thanks," I said uncertainly. How in the world do you respond to things like that? Gee thanks, pass it on. By now Demetri was absentmindedly playing Tetris on his phone and Shane was once again focused on the ride. I envied Demetri. Ass hole he may be, he seemed to be friends with everyone. Not like he was incredibly popular or anything, he just knew people. And everyone he knew was just a close acquaintance (except for Shane, of course) who wanted to hang out with him more but didn't, the ones who said, "we've got to hang out sometime. Call me," and then Demetri wouldn't call them, because he doesn't have to jump on those opportunities like I do.

Of course it's expected that he knows everyone and everyone knows him. It's a small school. If you're ever envious of being part of a private school because "Holy cow, those uniforms are so cool!" think again. The uniforms are uncomfortable, the school is small with tight-knit groups, and you don't get free periods, so you have to take dumb classes (like health, for example) for more than a year. Yeah, not cool.

"Derek, I don't want to ride this," the little boy muttered to Derek.

"Come on, Drew, it'll be fun," Derek replied. "Guys, this is my brother, Drew. He was just saving us a spot."

"For a stupid ride that I don't even want to go on," Drew huffed, crossing his arms and glaring at the asphalt.

"C'mon, Drew. I know you. You'll hate it up until you do it, and then you'll want to go like twelve more times."

Drew huffed again. I swear, this kid and I are twins or something. The line moved up and it was our turn to get in the cart, which fit two to a seat.

"You ready for this, Bobbie?" Demetri asked, crawling in immediately after Shane scurried into the cart.

"Aw, Demetri! I wanted to sit next to Olive!" Shane whined while the worker strapped them in. I wanted to whine too. I wanted to sit next to Shane! Now who the hell was going to comfort me?

"Shit," Derek mumbled from beside me, looking at his phone. Derek turned to me, "Hey, Bobbie, I know this is kinda weird, but I have to take care of something. Do you think you could sit next to my brother on the ride and maybe… I dunno, comfort him?"

Demetri laughed loudly from his seat and my head snapped around so that I could properly glare at him. Demetri chuckled and shrugged. "I just thought of something funny," he fibbed. Liar.

I turned around to Derek, "Yeah, not a problem. Let's do this, Drew!"

"Alright, Drew, you can sit next to Betty, I gotta go get mom. Thanks Betty!" Derek called, already speed walking away to some unknown destination. That's not even my name.

I was determined to have fun, even if I didn't get to sit next to my friend, even if I didn't get to sit next to someone I knew. When I was seated next to the small kid, maybe even more scared than me, I tried to smile reassuringly, even though I myself thought I would die.

"You like roller coasters?" I asked brightly, attempting at looking cheerful. He glanced fearfully at me.

"Not at all," he squeaked, clenching the shoulder pads the worker had locked us in with. Oh, of course he didn't like them. We had just covered that about two whole minutes ago. I'm a moron.

"Oh, we'll have fun!" I smiled as the cart started to move. Oh, shit, shit, shit, shit. As the cart began to move and the rhythmic ticking of the tracks began, full-fledged panic set in. The cart inched it's way to the top of the hill and I squeezed my eyes shut at the sight of the ant sized people below us.

"Not so bad, huh?" I asked, trying to be comforting. Anyone else would have known I was lying and that I was terrified, but I got the luck of the draw with a kid who didn't know poop from apple sauce.

"You're not scared?" he peeped quietly.

"Nah. Nothing to be afraid of!" Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. We're dead. We're dead! We hit the top of the climb and I braced myself for the worst. And then it happened, the cart dropped along with my stomach, and I swear to god, if my muscles weren't so tight they would have fallen straight out my butt. I gripped the shoulder pads holding me in tightly and glanced at the boy beside me. He looked just as frightened as I did.

"Come on! It's fun!" I shouted over the rush of the wind and the click of the tracks. His knuckles turned white as he braced the shoulder pads. I threw him a fake smile and tossed my hands in the air to show him how "fun" it was. The wind caught my arm and threw it back, successfully causing me to slap the boy in the face. I heard Shane laugh from behind me.

I hate this.

"I'm so sorry!" I cried over the wind, but Drew's eyes were watering and I couldn't tell if it was because of the wind or the fact that I hit him in the face.

"I HATE THIS!" he bawled over the wind.

"Me too," I whimpered, pushing myself as far back into the seat as possible and shutting my eyes. Even with my eyes shut, I felt the drops, I felt my stomach wobbling like jelly, I felt the wind blowing my hair over my clamped lips.

And then, angels singing softly in the background, the ride slowed down and came to a stop.

"That. Was. AWESOME!" Shane bellowed from behind me, kicking my seat and shaking his straps enthusiastically. I opened my eyes and wiped the tears that had come from closing my eyes so inhumanly tight.

"I'm so glad that's over," I breathed before looking over at Drew, who sat next to me totally paralyzed.

"I'm sorry for hitting you in the face," I apologized awkwardly. The shoulder restrictions flew up and Drew bolted from the seat, crying loudly. Derek stood by the gate and caught Drew who barreled towards him and hit him continuously (with no actual intention of harm), crying "Why? Why would you make me do that! I hate you! That was terrifying! That girl slapped me!"

I rushed after Drew, my legs still wobbly from the newfound sense of gravity. "Drew, I am so sorry! I didn't mean to! The wind-- my hand! It just took my hand! I would never hit a child! I would never hit a person! I wouldn't hit an animal! I wouldn't hit anything! I swear! It was an accident!"

Derek began laughing, "Haha! Jesus, if I knew you were a child-hater I wouldn't have let him ride with you!"

"No, I'm so sorry! I swear it was an accident!" At this point Shane and Demetri were trying (and failing miserably) to conceal their laughter.

"Betty, don't worry about it. Drew's just being a drama queen. Aren't you Drew? It didn't even hurt, did it?" I let the fact that he called me the wrong name slide, what with me hitting his brother in the face and all I think it's fair.

Drew looked away and crossed his arms, "No, not really."

"Anyway, thanks for that. I'll see you guys on Monday," Derek bid farewell and walked away with his brother on his heels ("Fine, fine. I was wrong. You'll never have to go on a another rollercoaster.")

"So, how was your first rollercoaster experience?" Shane asked enthusiastically. I looked away from the retreating figures and gave Shane an exasperated look.

"I think you saw how well it went," I deadpanned.

"Haha, classic. I need to put that on my blog." We began walking.

"You blog?" I asked curiously.

"Well, no. But I need to start. My blog would be so popular. I'd be like Gossip Girl."

"Dude," Demetri sighed. "Why would you admit to knowing that show?"

"What? You mean like you just did?" Shane retorted. Demetri was silent before mumbling a defeated, "Damn it."

"So, Bobbie-wobbie-boo?"

"Hm?"

"What do you think of our resident man meat?" Shane wiggled his eyebrows.

"Buh?"

"The fly pimp daddy?"

"Wha-?"

"Derek? Have you fallen for him? When you hear his name do you swoon?" Shane put his hand on his forehead and sighed dreamily.

"Uh, no?" I answered uncertainly. Shane had steered us to the snack bar and sat us down at a sticky, round table.

"Huh. Weird."

"Why?" I asked quickly. Why was I weird? What did I do wrong?

"It's just weird. I expected you to be like 'ohmigosh, I'll pretend not to like him but in my head I'm making up our own personal fairy tail.'"

"Why would I do that?" I scoffed. No, I'm way too cool for that. I only fantasize about fictional characters… like Fred Weasley and Danny Phantom. Demetri rolled his eyes. He so knew what I was thinking.

"I dunno, because he's smokin' hot or whatever," Shane shrugged.

"Shane-" I began before I was interrupted.

"Just because I'm a guy, doesn't mean I don't recognize a hot male. I'm straight, not blind."

"Okay, yeah, but--"

"I know loads of hot guys. Like Demetri. If I were straight I'd pounce him," Shane said with a shrug.

"Dude, what?" Demetri blanched from beside me.

"Just saying," Shane said defensively, holding his hands in the air.

"Don't just say. It makes me feel weird."

"You know, Oprah says that everyone is actually a little gay," Shane began.

"Okay, that's fine and I'm all for gay pride, but that doesn't mean--"

"Don't worry about it. You're attractive. That's all. You have that indie, sexy, 'I don't care how I look, but I look good anyway' vibe. It's totally in style right now."

I hate to admit how much I agree with Shane right now.

"What--?" Demetri was completely lost.

"I was reading some of Bear's magazines," Shane shrugged like it answered everything. "Did you know that women completely stop their periods when they get pregnant? Just stop. Like, no more. No more vagina blood."

Like I said, Shane was Shane.