How to Make a Human

When I entered the science class, I immediately zipped to Mr. Gert's desk. Mr. Gert peered over the papers he was grading with a bored expression.

"Yes, Bobbie?" Gray locks of hair fell over his tired eyes and brushed against his wire glasses.

"Uh… hi," I said uncomfortably, shuffling from foot to foot.

"Yes?" he repeated dully.

"Um… hi." I was so painfully suave.

"Yes, hello. Now what do you want?" he snapped.

"Uh… I don't want to sit by Ron anymore," I answered bluntly. Mr. Gert pursed his lips and gave me a calculative look. He leaned back in his chair and clicked his pen against the desk, still maintaining his judgmental expression.

"Eh, what the hell? You can switch places with Monica," he shrugged, "You're lucky Demetri also wanted his seat changed, otherwise you'd be stuck with Ron."

"Awesome! Thank you so much!" I squealed oddly, before bouncing off to take my new seat. I made myself comfortable in Monica's seat, setting out my journals and pens to my liking before Demetri slouched in lazily, hands in his pockets, as per usual. I eyed him skeptically as he took his seat next to me.

"What, no hug?" I asked sarcastically, passively mocking his earlier break of character.

"Why are you sitting there?" he drawled.

"This is where Mr. Gert told me to sit."

"Uh, Mr. Gert?" Demetri asked uncertainly.

"Shouldn't Bobbie and I just switch places?"

"Why? So you could sit next to Ron? I'm sure that would go over splendidly," Mr. Gert rolled his eyes. "Demetri, you bring out the jackass in Ron. If you sat next to him he would probably bomb my class. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a coffee cup that needs filling."

Mr. Gert held up his "Science Rules!" coffee cup and shuffled out the door, probably to the closest coffee machine. "Damn," Demetri mumbled, taking his seat next to me.

"Now we sit next to each other in two classes… which is awesome since you like me and everything."

"This wasn't what was meant to happen," he mumbled bitterly. "God damn it."

I shrunk back in my chair slightly and decided to stop teasing him. I would not be the moron to dump fuel on his fire. Well, I would be that moron, but I was trying not to be. I put my head on the desk and tried to get a few minutes of sleep before class started, but my desk shaking slightly woke me up. I looked up to see Ron, in all his fat, ginger kid glory, holding on to the edges of my desk.

"You switched desks?" he growled through clenched teeth. Demetri glanced at the scene through the corner of his before deciding that his 1980's TMNT video game was more amusing.

"Yes." I gave a curt nod to make it look like he didn't intimidate me.

He blinked once, twice, three times. He tightened his jaw, making his red, pudgy cheeks bulge and his fat chin wobble slightly. I glanced at Demetri to confirm that, no, I wasn't crazy, and yes, Ron was nuts. Demetri was trying to make it look like he was playing his game, but he was keeping a weary eye on Ron.

“What did I do wrong?” Ron asked quietly, actually making me feel bad.

“You didn’t do anything, I just wanted to sit next to Demetri,” I lied.

I should have seen it coming. I should have switched out of this class he moment I was assigned to sit next to him. His sausage link fingers clenched around my desk and he let out a shaky breath. There was a moment where I recognized "the calm before the storm" and flinched at the idea of him attacking me, but those fears were washed away when he tore his hands away from my desk and stormed off.

I let out a sigh of relief, but was taken aback when Ron turned around, glared at me harshly, and flipped my desk over.

"Holy shit!" I cried, jumping on my chair as if there was a mouse on the ground. Ron let loose an awkward war cry that made his voice crack and lunged at me, kicking and punching.

Demetri reacted as quickly as I did ("Holy motherfuck, Ron!"), standing up so quickly that his chair fell backwards. Demetri scrambled past the broken desk and began trying to pull Ron the hell off of me while I began to push and kick with my scrawny, chicken limbs.

"HE'S A FAT FUCKING FATTY!" I bellowed angrily at Demetri and the other few students who were in the class room, cowering in a corner and watching. "GET HIM THE HELL OFF OF ME!"

There was a loud crack, the weight fell off of me, and then there was silence. I opened my eyes to see Demetri panting slightly and rubbing his fist. Ron was on the floor, a shocked look on his face and a bent nose oozing blood. My eyes widened and my hands flew to my nose, just to make sure the same thing hadn't happened to me. I sighed in relief when I realized my nose wasn't bleeding. Ron gingerly touched his nose and felt the blood.

"You dick," he said in a distant voice, looking at the blood on his fingers. My eyes were wide and I was shaking, and when Demetri's hand touched my shoulder I jumped.

"Holy shit, that was scary," I said in a frantic whisper so that only he could hear me.

"I know," he soothed, even though he didn't seem scared at all. "Can one of you go get Mr. Gert?" he asked the students in the corner. A small bushy haired girl nodded her head and ran out of the room.

"No, seriously, I think I peed a little bit," I said stupidly. I should make a "Look Like a Dumb Ass in Ten Easy Steps!" book. It felt like Ron had attacked for hours on end, but the truth was I wasn't even hurt and the whole scene probably lasted about thirty seconds at most. It was still passing period, so the classroom was still relatively empty.

"I don't think you did," Demetri responded absentmindedly, shooting a look to Ron who was still staring at the blood on his fingers. Demetri grabbed one of the paper towels off of the lab table next to us and held it to my lower lip, using his other hand to take a hold of my chin and tilt my head back.

"Did you do that to his nose?"

Demetri glanced over his shoulder to look at Ron, "I believe so…"

"Wow. Didn't that hurt your fist?"

"Not too badly."

"Oh."

There was more silence and I was running out of stupid questions.

"What are you doing?" I finally asked.

Demetri dabbed at my lip, "You split your lip."

"Holy shit!" I cried, my hands flying to my face. The cut on my lip stung as my fingers brushed against it and I immediately pulled my hands away, only to see blood.

"I'm bleeding! My lip is bleeding!"

"No shit," Demetri grumbled, grabbing my chin again and dabbing the cut with the towel. Mr. Gert jogged slowly into the room, holding a hand over his coffee cup, so he wouldn't spill. He immediately set down the coffee cup when he saw the situation.

"Damn it, Jenny!" he sighed, irritated, and turned to the small bushy haired girl who got him. "Why the hell didn't you tell me it was this serious?"

"Um, I--" she squeaked nervously.

"Never mind, just go get Mrs. Leasten from next door," he commanded, grabbing a couple of paper towels and squatting next to Ron.

"Shit… broken nose," he mumbled to himself. "Ron, stem the bleeding and clean yourself up, you're going to the nurse's office."

Ron sniffed, but crawled off the floor.

"What is it?" Mrs. Leasten, the teacher from next door, snapped. "Christ! What happened here?"

"A fight. Can you watch my class for about fifteen minutes?" Mr. Gert asked, barely waiting for a response before he lightly pushed Demetri and I out the door after Ron.

"You guys go to the principal's office, Ron and I will join you in a moment," Mr. Gert told Demetri and I as he rushed Ron to the nurse's office.

"The real principal's office?" I asked Demetri nervously.

"Yeah… the real one," he shrugged.