How to Make a Human

"Hey, Olive?" Shane sighed tiredly.

"Yes?"

“What’s wrong with your lip?”

My hand flew to my mouth and brushed against my split lip, courtesy of Ron. “Ah, yeah. That’s from Ron. He attacked me today.”

“Woah,” he popped his knuckles. “Hey, Olive?”

"You know why we're such great friends?"

"Because I'm willing to sit here and watch your stupid ass while Demetri finds his car," I deadpanned.

"Noooooooo!" Shane screeched, now laying on his back on the grassy field, his head resting on my lap. "Guess again!"

"Because you were the first to befriend me," I shrugged. Shane smiled brightly.

"I was! I was, indeed! But that's not why we're such good fucking friends!" he sang, "Guess again!"

"Uh… Because we balance each other out."

"Nope!"

"Jesus, Shane, I don't know. Just tell me."

"Okay."

"Okay what?"

"I'll tell you."

"Alright."

"If--"

"If what?"

"Ifffffffff…"Shane continued for about thirty seconds before he ran out of breath.

'"If what, Shane? Just tell me."

"If you tell me what you think about communism."

"I don't really care about it. It works well for some countries, but for others it's a bust."

"Tell that to Mao!"

"… He'd be one of the people communism works well for. Is this conversation going anywhere?"

"Want to know why we're such good friends?"

"Will you ever tell me?"

"It's because--"

Shane was cut off by Demetri pulling the car into the parking lot nearby and honking his horn loudly.

"Get in, loser!" Ben shouted from the passenger seat, excited for some unknown reason.

"Get up, Shane," I told him, pushing his head off my lap.

"I don't feeeeeeel like it! What do you take me for?" he cried.

"Shane. Come on," I replied sternly, dusting off my skirt.

"But Mom--!"

"No excuses. Now."

Wow. I really was like a mother.

Shane heaved himself off the ground and staggered a bit, trying to regain his footing and see straight.

I rolled my eyes, but held out my hand, "Here, let me help you out."

But apparently in Shane Land, "let me help you" means "throw all your weight on me and stop moving your feet."

"Damn it, Shane!" I squeaked as I practically threw us both against Demetri's car for support. Ben and Demetri were having a grand, old time not helping and laughing while I struggled pitifully. What tools. I guess it was kind of funny though. Once you got past the annoying part and the fear for Shane’s life.

I leaned Shane against the car and moved to open the back door, but as soon as I let go of him he slumped down and fell asleep.

"Are you kidding me?" I shouted angrily, poking him in the ribs, "SHANE! Move your butt!"

Shane's eyes snapped open and he jumped up enthusiastically, saluting me. "Aye-aye, captain! What do you want me to do?"

"Get your ass in the car!" I sighed exasperatedly. He bounced into the car, tripping over his own feet in his excitement.

I crawled after him while he bounced in the seat excitedly. "Buckle up!" I snapped a bit harsher than necessary, glancing at my watch. It was 3:46 and we still hadn't picked up Mae. She was going to be so pissed.

"We have to pick up Mae now. You know… like we were going to do twenty minutes ago before Druggie Dave over here went and screwed things up."

"My names Shane!" Shane argued, nuzzling my shoulder. I couldn't tell if I was just being overdramatic, or if this really was a pain in the ass. But I suppose I'm too much of a sulky teen to care in the long run anyway.

"Can't she walk home on her own?" Demetri shrugged.

"Well…. I guess. I mean, with the time we save not picking her up I'll have just enough time to KILL MYSELF."

"Fine, then we'll pick her up," Demetri rolled her eyes. "Jesus. It was just an idea. You don't have to be such a frigid bitch."

"You know nothing of the perils of living with German elders," I spat/scolded.

Ben laughed from the front seat and shook his head in agreement. "Dude, she's so right."

Demetri nodded his head like he all of a sudden knew about old people because apparently Ben's word means an exponential amount more than mine does.

Shane, being surprisingly keen, even when mashed in the head, nuzzled my shoulder affectionately like some drunk puppy, cooing, "you're still my faaaaavorite."

I shrugged his head off of my shoulder, and thumped my head against the cold window and watched the trees fly by. Shane unbuckled his seatbelt and threw himself against the window opposite from mine.

"WE'RE GOING SO FAST! SLOW THE HELL DOWN, MOTORHEAD!" he bellowed. This was where the mood went from "Oh, haha, stupid Shane, but this is kind of funny" to "Ohmigod, he is too messed up to function, will he be okay?"

"Shane, I'm going twenty-five. Don't worry about it," Demetri answered, though I felt the car slow down a bit.

"OH, I'M WORRIED ABOUT IT!" Shane screeched, before burping and falling back onto my lap, mumbling dejectedly, "Dude, I am so fucked up right now."

"Yes. Yes you are," I answered.

"I'm gonna fuckin' puke my fuckin uterus out." Shane's previous dopiness was gone, and was now replaced with a sickly green face and a sweaty forehead.

"You don't have a uterus."

"I'm gonna grow one and puke it out. Seriously, Demetri, slow the hell down."

"I can't, I'm already going fifteen in a thirty-five zone, any slower and I'll get a ticket," Demetri answered, throwing a sympathetic look over his shoulder. I pushed Shane’s sweaty hair off of his forehead and rubbed his cheek with my thumb.

"You can't get a ticket for going slower then the speed limit! Tell him, Olive!" Shane groaned turning over on his stomach and hugging my knees.

"I'm sorry Shane… but he's actually (Demetri snorted at the word 'actually') right," I told Shane, stroking his head. Demetri turned into Mae's school, where Mae sat on a bench with her arms crossed, clearly disgruntled.

"Shane, let go of my knees real quick, I'll be right back," I told him as gently as I could while pushing him off.

"I can feel my bones," he mumbled, letting go and curling into a ball. Next to Mae Beth was a teacher assigned to crosswalk duty. I guess all of the other students had already left, and the teacher was just waiting for Mae to be picked up safely. I stumbled out of the car and waved to Mae, who grumbled something to the teacher and came to greet me. The teacher followed closely behind Mae, and stopped me before I could grab Mae's hand and get the hell out of there.

"You must be Mae's sister, Bobbie!" she said. She had curly grey hair that came to her chin and a plump figure. She looked like Mrs. Clause… if Mrs. Clause was bankrupt and hated her job.

"Yeah… hi, I'm Bobbie," I said awkwardly, fidgeting nervously and grabbing Mae's hand.

"Well, I'm Ms. Burgess and--"

"Oh, nice to meet you," I responded, nodding my head. I would have shook her hand, but one hand was picking nervously at my shirt (which had grass stains streaking my boobs from my fall earlier. I'm so classy) and the other one was clenching Mae's hand a bit too tightly.

"Anyway, as teachers we're not allowed to leave until we are certain that all kids have been picked up by a bus, guardian, or have already begun walking home with a group of students. You understand of course, don't you?"

"Oh, of course. Avoid the creepers at all costs." I shook my head fervently.

"That's one way to put it, I guess. Anyway, today you were quite late in retrieving Mae and--"

I could feel Mae Beth rolling her eyes. Hell, she'd be safer without me. She protects me. The pathetic truth is revealed! I checked my watch. 4:03PM. Damn.

"I know, I know," I interrupted, "And I am so, so sorry. My friend just--"

As if on cue for a terrible prank show, Shane began thumping on the window of the car, covering his mouth. From where we stood we could hear Demetri shouting, "Not in the car, not in the car, not in the car!" and Ben yelping, "Shit, shit, shit, not on me!" while pressing himself against the glove department.

The door flung open and Shane collapsed on the grass and began puking heavily. Ms. Burgess raised an eyebrow like she was judging my sistering abilities (which she very well should) and opened her mouth to say something.

"Yeah… I'm sorry about this, my friend had some horrible, I mean terrible… food poisoning. From shushi. I mean shrimp. Shrimp sushi. You know, it gets you right in the small intestine," I said with a cheesy laugh, poking my stomach as if to prove a point.

"Yes, well--"

"I know, ma'am, I know, and once again I'm terribly sorry for being this late, and I can guarantee it won't happen again."

"Yes--"

"I apologize again, but we have to get going. Don’t want our grandparents worrying!" I shouted a goodbye while dragging Mae away from scary Ms. Burgess who was writing God-knows-what on a small notepad. Shane was done puking and Demetri was emptying Shane's backpack of it's contents so that the bag could be used as a barf bag if need be.

"What the hell is going on?" Mae muttered to me as I ushered her into the car.

"Uh, nothing just--"

"PLEASE don't make me sit by the window!" Shane literally cried, tears streaking his face. "This is terrible! I'm so sorry! I'll never do this again, ever, ever, ever, ever! It's just that I can feel my bones and the earth is moving slowly and if I move my hand fast it looks like I have fins! I'm freaking the hell out!"

"Shane, just shut up, we won't make you sit by the window," I told him, shoving his head in the car and waving cheerfully to Ms. Burgess who was glaring suspiciously.

I rushed around to the other side of the car and eased in next to Shane who immediately put his head on my shoulder.

"Bobbie, I hate this, I hate this so much. I'm out of food to throw up but my body keeps trying and dry heaving hurts and I have fins and my earlobes feel long!" If Shane wasn't so pathetic and the tension wasn't so thick, this would all be hilarious.

"Shh, Shane, I know, I know," I consoled, putting my arm around his shoulder and rubbing his arm to comfort him. Irritation was gone and was now replaced with pity. I leaned over to Mae who was staring at Shane like he was an ape with a mermaid tail. "Please, don't tell Oma or Opa."

"I won't." Her response was immediate, making me want to give her a great big bear hug.

"What's the plan?" I asked to anyone who was listening.

"Well, Jesus fucking Christ, Bobbie, why don't you tell me?" Demetri snapped. "We can't very well take him home now, can we? His parents will slaughter him."

"Okay… so then what?" I completely ignored his aggression, chalking it up to worry for his best friend.

Demetri took a deep breath in and rubbed his temples, "We need to get some food in his stomach."

Ben groaned, "We don't have time to take him anywhere… we have to get home otherwise Oma will blow a tampon."

We were all silent for a moment, contemplating what to do and how badly Shane had screwed us over.

"Well," Mae piped after a minute, "We could take him home."

"Mae--"

"No, just listen. If we just settle down in the living room and watch a movie, Shane will probably fall asleep… At home he can get some food and some rest. Plus if we all pile into the living room then Shane will barely be noticeable with three other teens plus me."

The car was silent.

"Works for me," I said, smiling at Mae, who for once in her life, returned the smile.

"I guess that's the best we got," Ben shrugged, "This has been an interesting first day of school."

Demetri sighed but took the turn to get to my house anyway. Demetri parked and Mae and I bolted out of the car so that we could steady Shane as he stumbled out.

We all nervously walked to the front door and entered the front room with no problems. We were even able to settle into the living room before things went wrong.

Oma entered the living room, glanced at us, muttered, "Mein Gott! So late.", and, as predicted, carried on her merry way, completely ignoring Shane… that is, until he stood up, saluted her and boldly said, "Hello Miss, I'm glad I got to know your daughter.. Or, uh granddaughter… I still don't get it.”

“Shane, let’s just watch a movie,” I responded, tugging on his sleeve.

“No, shush, Boobie, I’m fine,” he continued talking to my Oma, “She's very nice and she kind of reminds me of a sheep. This is my friend Demetri-- (I tried to get Shane to sit down again with a meek "they already met" but it was no use)-- he actually really likes Bobbie, but he acts like Helga G. Pataki and is mean to hide his feeeeeelings. I know this because we're best friends. He tells me everything… except the Helga thing, I pieced that one together on my own. I'll probably be the best man at their wedding. He didn't tell me that either, but I read between the lines. He specifically said, 'she's not that bad… I don't get why she was talking to Derek like that…' and for Demetri that means he's jealous."

I gave Demetri an astonished look, but I couldn't see his face, as he had his head squashed in a pillow to avoid looking at me, I did however, see his red ears, and that was enough. Demetri nutted up and looked at me and mumbled “That’s not exactly what I said and that’s not what I meant.”

"I also enjoy Ben. I don't enjoy how he flirts with my sister though. It makes me uncomfortable. And I'm so fucked up that I can barely stand right now."

And then he passed out.