How to Make a Human

Friday night at dinner was awkward. After all our talk about the week there was nothing left to say, but no one could leave the table because we still had large portions of meatloaf on our plates. Opa obliterated his plate and sat at the table with his customary glass of scotch, Oma barely ate, and Mae Beth, Ben, and I were avoiding eating meatloaf because it’s meatloaf and that’s a crime against nature.

“So,” I said picking at my meatloaf, “I think I’m spending the night at Bear’s house tomorrow.”

“Bear?” Oma asked.

“Shane’s sister. Well, step-sister, I guess. She’s really cool and we’re friends and stuff. She has great hair,” I babbled because I took Oma’s question as a sign of her seeing my lie.

“Really?” Ben asked, putting down his fork, “Are you seriously spending the night at Bear’s house?”

I opened and closed my mouth a couple of times, looking for something to say. Was he calling me out?

“Yes?” I finally answered uncertainly.

“That’s nuts! I’m spending the night with Shane tomorrow! We can carpool!” Ben exclaimed giving my a high five. I was going to respond but I recognized my inability to lie so I just smiled and shook my head. Mae took a small bite of her meatloaf and examined us closely.

“Shane?” Oma asked.

“Yeah, we were going to go to the movies, but his parents want to keep an eye on him after the whole… incident,” Ben responded smoothly.

Oma still looked weary. “Oma, Shane’s a cool guy. He just made a little mistake. It was one little mistake that lead to even more poor judgment. He’s a good guy though,” I defended.

“I suppose so,” Oma nodded. “Rolland what do you think of this?”

“Let the kids have fun. They’re in a new town. Go make friends,” Opa shrugged. “Mae Beth, do you have any plans?”

“Anna just got a puppy and I kind of wanted to spend the night too,” she said, prodding the meatloaf with a fork.

“That’s great!” Oma said cheerfully. “We’ll set it up tonight!”

Opa turned to my Oma, “we’ll have the house to ourselves! What will we do with ourselves?”

I looked down at my meatloaf because when I looked at Oma and Opa I just imagined old people sex. Unfortunately, my meatloaf was almost less appealing because it also looked like old people sex. The phrase “we’ll have the house to ourselves” just sent my mind to dirty places. Ben too, apparently, because he choked on his water and started laughing so hard you could only hear him wheezing.

After dinner, Ben and I went up to his room and called Bear from his cell phone.

“Uh huh. Yeah, Bobbie said she was spending the night with you and I just sort of worked off that and told them I was spending the night with Shane.”

“What did she tell her parents?” I whispered. We were speaking quietly because we were both a little on edge about lying to older and wiser people.

Shane pulled his mouth away from the phone, “She said she’s staying hanging out with you, numb nuts.” He looked back to the phone, so you’ll pick us up while your parents are at dinner, you guys can get ready there or whatever, and then we’ll pick up Demetri and roll out? Yeah, yeah, that sounds good. We’ll see you tomorrow. Haha, alright. See ya.”

He hung up the phone and looked at me, “Looks like we’re all set.”

“What’s the plan?” I asked eagerly.

“Did you seriously not hear any of what I just said on the phone?”

“Well, yeah, just specify.”

Ben rolled his eyes but smiled and responded, “So Bear told her parents she’s spending the night here, then she’s going to pick us up, and we’ll go back there because Bear wants to get ready with you or something ridiculous, and then we leave, pick up Demetri, and presto! We party.”

“Where are her parents going to be?”

“I guess Shane is harassing them into taking him to Tony’s Pizza or something like that, so we’ll have like an hour.”

“Nice.”

“Looks like we have a pretty solid plan on our hands!” Ben gave me a high five, but then decided that wasn’t enough and he grabbed my neck and gave me a noogie. I pushed my hands against his stomach to get away but Ben is part hulk so I couldn’t really get away, I could only succeed in popping my neck.

“This is cute.”

Ben let go of me and we looked at the door to see Mae Beth standing with her arms folded.

“Oh, hey, Mae,” Ben greeted.

“You guys are going to a party?”

“Well--” Ben began.

“Don’t tell Oma!” I interrupted.

“I won’t, I’m not an idiot,” she scoffed. “You’ve never been to a party, right.”

It wasn’t a question because Mae Beth knew the answer.

“Well, not like this,” I mumbled.

“Be safe. Make good choices. All that jazz,” Mae Beth turned to leave, but stopped, “Oh, and pace yourself. A shot can take up to thirty minutes to kick in.”

“How do you know that?” I asked, shocked that she knew this.

“Jersey Shore.”

“You shouldn’t watch that,” Ben scolded.

“You probably shouldn’t lie to Oma and Opa so you can drink illegally, but hey, it happens,” she shrugged. “Have fun, though.”

“Mae?” I asked. She stopped her exit again.

“What?”

“Does it suck to be way too smart for your age?”

She shrugged and walked out of the room to go play violin.

“Mae’s kind of weird,” Ben muttered.

“Yeah, but I think it must kind of suck to be eight years old and cynical. That shouldn’t happen. She should be oblivious and retarded.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Ben shrugged. “So, you seriously have never been to a party?”

“Are you surprised?”

“I guess not,” Ben scratched his head, “But Mae is right, you don’t have a tolerance built up for alcohol. Pace yourself..”

“I will, I will. Sheesh. You act like I’ve never seen a movie before.”

“It’s different, trust me.”

“I will drink responsibly,” I replied standing up and stretching. “Oh, what’s DD, by the way?”

“Designated driver.”

“Oh, okay, great! If I am all wasted, you’ll be sober and you can clean up my mistakes!” I grinned. I was partially serious.

“That’s not exactly how it works. I’ll drive you. And make sure you don’t get raped or something, but I won’t be there to watch you the entire time.”

“That’s fine! Hell, I’m fine! I’m going to bed!”

“Bobbie, it’s like eight.”

“I’ll need extra energy for tomorrow, hoo-ha!” I pumped my fist in the air and strutted to my room, secretly bummed that Ben wouldn’t be able to baby-sit me tomorrow.