How to Make a Human

Upon waking up the next day, I realized that I barely understood the concept of a “party.” I didn’t know if I was supposed to eat beforehand, I didn’t know what to wear, I didn’t know if it would be normal to bring a fruitcake, and I didn’t know how much to drink and how to behave.

I went to Mae Beth for these answers, because asking Ben would be too embarrassing. Mae answered with don’t eat too much if you want to get drunk faster, wear those skinny jeans and some top that’s not too fancy, hell no, and a lot.

At 7:00PM, Ben got a text from Bear saying she’d pick us up in about an hour. I rushed to Mae Beth and practically forced her to dress me. She dressed me in my skinny jeans as she suggested, a pair of grey boots, and a green flowy shirt that made me look like I had some boobs. But the idea of having boobs for the first time since I tried to stuff my bra with tissue in the sixth grade was a terrifying prospect, so I instead I wore a plain green tank top and a v-neck, loose, quarter-length sleeved white shirt over it.

“You basically look like an overworked mom at the grocery store,” Mae deadpanned, not pleased with my wardrobe change, “At least put on some makeup.”

I added some mascara but didn’t try to get any fancier than that because I might be drunk and crying and that would end terribly. Mae was unhappy that I dragged her ass into my room to help me and left with a huff.

“At least I’m still wearing the jeans and the boots!” I called out after her. I transfered my weight from foot to foot, reflecting on how uncomfortable the shoes were.

“Whatever.” I heard her door close from down the hall and I shrugged. I dragged my feet to Ben’s room and let myself in. Ben had his laptop out and was checking his facebook. He glanced up at me and looked back to the computer.

“You look like a stay at home mom.”

“Do I really?” I asked, pulling at the hem of my shirt.

“Well, like a hot one, at least. Like some kind of artsy-fartsy kindergarten teacher that everybody digs,” Ben clarified.

“Do I need to change?”

Ben pulled his phone out of his pocket, “Nah, we got to go. Bear is waiting.”

“Shit, Ben. Do I need to change? Do I look like an ass?”

Ben stood up and shut his laptop, straightening his plain grey t-shirt with his hands. “Bobbie, I’m fucking with you, you look fine.”

“Are you sure? Because Mae also said I looked like a mom.”

“Do you want to change?”

“Do I need to?”

“God. Hold on,” he started fishing through his clothes, “Go put on some comfortable shoes.”

I did as I was told and returned in a pair of old sneakers.

“Just wear the tank top, not the mom-gear,” he demanded as he pulled a brown leatherjacket out of his drawer.

“That looks like vintage pilot gear,” I pointed out, taking off the top shirt and leaving it on the floor.

“Yeah, it might be. I got it from a thrift store in Germany for my girlfriend, but she kind of dumped my ass, so I guess you can have it.”

“That’s waaay too cool for me!” I waved my hands in front of me as though warding it off.

“I beg to differ. You deserve it.”

“Oh, Ben--”

“Don’t even worry about it. Not like I’m ever going to fit in it, he tossed it to me and I put it on. It was old and worn, so the leather was soft and flexible as opposed to sticky and stiff. It was loose, but not overwhelmingly so, it fit comfortably like a sweatshirt.

“How do I look?”

“Casually cool. It’s a classic,” Ben complimented, grabbing my shoulders and leading me to the mirror on the back of his door. He was right, I looked casually cool. With the addition of the jacket, the tank top and jeans became more of a statement. More of, “I didn’t even give a shit about this outfit, I just look this good.” The jacket was magic.

“Ben-- this jacket is so-- I’m never taking it off!” I turned around and hugged him. Maybe it was weird that I was so worked up, but this was now my magic jacket. I could be as lazy as I wanted, dress as terribly as I always did, but when I added the jacket I had a look. The magic jacket gave me a signature style.

“This looks pretty damn good. What luck, eh?” Ben smiled and then ruffled my hair like I was twelve. “Well, shall we?”

I smiled and nodded. Ready to experience my first party.

-

Bear picked up Demetri on the way there and the four of us were off to our party extravaganza. The drive was an uneventful forty-five minutes, involving stupid conversations and dirt roads.

“Jesus, it’s way the hell out here, isn’t it? Derek wasn’t joking,” I mumbled after Bear turned off to another dirt road.

“Yeah, his parents have a shit ton of property out here,” Bear agreed, shaking her head and accelerating past a reasonable speed. We sped past an open fence and in the distance I could see a house. Within the next five minutes, Bear parked the car next to over a dozen others and kicked the door open, taking a deep breath of the pine-scented air. Demetri, Ben, and I followed in suit and looked around. We could hear the music pumping through the trees and smell cigarettes and weed.

“Shall we?” Bear motioned towards a small trail leading through the trees and to Derek’s house. Bear tossed the keys at Ben and winked, “Looks like it’s all up to you, champ.”

Ben smiled, “I can’t wait to see you guys hammered.”

We trekked through the trees and felt our way around in the dark. When we arrived at the house there was a jeep parked in front with all the doors opened and music pouring out of the car’s speakers. There were several groups of people mingling, nursing beers, and smoking.

Bear sauntered to the front door and, without knocking, let herself in. Rap music floated through the air and there was a group of people dancing, but more people were chatting, shouting over the music to make themselves heard. Derek stumbled through an archway that I assumed led to the kitchen.

“Guuuys!” he shouted, leaning back, a beer in hand and a dopey grin on his face. He swaggered towards us, and grasped Ben and Demetri in a massive hug. “I am legit so happy you guys are here! We’ve got all kinds of shit in the kitchen, get fucked UP!”

He turned towards Bear patted her cheeks, “Oh hey there tit-face!”

“Penis breath, looks like you did it again!” she smiled and poked him in the stomach. Ben and Demetri just smiled awkwardly, so I assumed it was some inside joke, and from the way they kept speaking cryptically to each other and laughing over unfunny things, they must have had a lot of them.

Derek turned towards me. I thought it would be uncomfortable because we weren’t really friends and we couldn’t bond over having wieners or being cool. Instead Derek enveloped me in a massive hug and ruffled my hair, as everyone is so keen to do. “You’re not even going to believe how nice I am!”

“I’m not?” I already felt uncomfortable. The room reeked of alcohol and different body sprays.

“Fuck no, come here!” he grabbed my hand and turned to Bear and Ben, “You guys go have fun, I have something for Bobbie.”

Ben looked uncomfortable, but Bear was tugging on his pants pocket, trying to pull him into the depths of the party. Ben smiled and said, “Give me a sec.”

Bear nodded, waved at some friends, and skipped off to join them. Ben grabbed Demetri’s shoulder and whispered something in his ear, then he grabbed my shoulder and mumbled, “Stick with Demetri tonight, alright?”

I nodded but before I could reply, Derek (who had been waving at other people) tugged at my hand and yelled over the music and laughter, “You’re welcome in advance!”

Demetri followed us to the kitchen, where we pushed our way past drunken idiots and sober assholes to the fridge.

“Lookie here!” He opened the fridge and pulled out two bottles of UV Pink. “These are both yours, share as you please!”

“What is this?”

“It’s vodka, like you asked for! Only it’s UV Pink! It’s pink lemonade flavored. It’s like fucking candy! You can mix it with anything! OH! And speaking of--” he began digging through the fridge again, “Sprite Zero! Just like you asked! I remembered! Aren’t I the nicest?”

“Oh, Derek! Thank you! This is so nice!” I beamed, giving him a huge hug despite myself.

Derek waved his hand, “Nah, it’s no problem. I figured you wouldn’t be too much of a drinker, so I got you this! So, shall we?”

“Shall we what?”

“It’s shot time,” Demetri shrugged, grabbing the shot glasses on the counter and setting three up. He poured some 151, whatever the fuck that was, in two of the shot glasses, and poured the UV Pink into one for me.

Demetri leaned over me and mumbled, “Get that Sprite ready. You’ll need a chaser.”

“A what?”

But there was no answer, Demetri and Derek held their shots in the air and shouted “One. Two. Three. SHOOT!”

And even though I didn’t know what to do, I knocked the shot back. Yes, the alcohol was fruity, but I grabbed the Sprite and took several sips to wash away the taste of chemicals.

“This is the tasty stuff?” I asked, smacking my lips and wincing.

“It will get better the more you drink!”

“I’ll take your word for it,” I smiled despite myself and my cheeks felt warm.

Demetri smiled, “Shit, well, let’s get another out of the way! Get there fast, eh?”

I smiled and nodded. I wasn’t drunk and it was too early to even be buzzing, but I was warm and I was mentally prepared to be shmammered.

Derek patted me on the back, “Find me later, UV. Have fun!”

Derek stumbled off and I turned to Demetri, grabbing the bottle and cringing at the smell, “What’s 151?”

“Don’t even think about it,” Demetri laughed. He poured himself another shot, as did I, and we shot them back like champions.

Four Shots Later

Some guy was talking to Demetri and I. I don’t know who he was, but he was chatting us right the fuck up.

“So you were the girl Ron attacked right?” he asked, nodding his head because he already knew the answer.

“Yeah, I was like ‘what the fuck’ and then Demetri just punched him the fuck out.”

Even though that was literally the worst way I could tell a story, the boy laughed and shook his head, “No way! No way. That’s craaaazy!”

Demetri started laughing, “Ron’s such a chubby fuck!”

I laughed and leaned against the oven behind me, “He IS. And his dad is a weirdy-creeper-shit.”

The guy laughed, “No waaay!”

I gave him a weird look because he’s weird. Demetri nudged me, “I like this jacket.”

“It’s from Ben. It’s from Germany. It’s also from a thrift store. How foreign and hip am I?”

“Pretty foreign and hip,” Demetri agreed.

“Germany?” the other guy asked, “No waaay!”

Six Shots Later

I was dancing with a group of people and I think I knew some of them from somewhere.

“Bobbie! You’re like nine times cooler than I thought!”

“You too!” I complimented. I didn’t know who said that, but I was polite.

We weren’t sexy dancing, we were doing weird shit like thrusting in the air and waving our hands in front of our faces. At some point Bear joined me and we were alternating hands and giving each other high fives and squatting and bouncing and cool shit like that.

“Are you drunk?” she shouted over the music and our high fives.

I paused and pursed my lips, “No. No I’m not.”

Bear began laughing uncontrollably, “You so are! You’re drunk!”

“I’m not drunk, I’m catholic!”

“No you’re not!” she laughed even harder.

“Well, I’m not, but my grandparents are!” I explained.

“You’re drunk as fuck!”

“NO. You’re drunk!” I laughed.

“Well, yeah, but I admit it!” Bear giggled, and pulled me uncomfortably close so that she could whisper in my ear. “Where’s Ben? I think he’s cute!”

“EW!” I shouted in a deep voice, pretending to be a bro or something. A girl looked at me and raised an eyebrow. I shrugged, “She farted.”

Bear opened he mouth and gasped dramatically, “I did NOT!” but then she collapsed into giggles.

“Listen, listen, listen,” she laughed but stopped herself, “OMG. YOUR BOOBS.”

“Yes?” I instinctively grabbed my boobs, because when someone shouts "YOUR BOOBS" there is a good chance they are on fire.

She grabbed my hand and dragged me to her car. Which was far easier said then done.

“I have a pushup bra! You have to wear it!”

“Why do you have it?”

“I don’t know, I change for track and I put my clothes in the trunk. I just remembered that I was thinking about your boobs, and we need to make them big and fabulous.”

“HAHA. Bear, whaaat?” I asked, switching from foot to foot. I didn’t know how she talked me into it, but I was crouched behind her car, changing my bra.

“How’s this?” I asked, placing my old bra on the roof of her car.

“You have boobies!”

We high fived each other and stumbled our way back to the house, leaving my bra on the roof of the car.

“I need to find Ben,” Bear told me when we entered the house again.

“Do it!” I cheered even though I didn’t give a shit.

Demetri was sitting on a couch that was pushed up against a wall, lazily carrying a conversation with some drunky. Wherever I was, Demetri was always within eyeshot. I stumbled towards him and joined him, squeezing myself between the arm of the couch and him.

“Eyyy, muchacho, quiero más bebidas. VAMOS.” I grabbed his hand and heaved him off the couch.

“Fuck, Bobbie, I think you’ve had plenty,” he grinned sleepily. He was the tired kind of drunk and I was the kind of drunk that… meh, did stuff. I don’t know. Drunk.