How to Make a Human

"What are you getting?" Shane asked, drumming his fingers against the leather seats. For some reason, Shane had opted to sit with me in the back seat. Of course Demetri was fine with this, happy to be alone in the front seat.

"From Subway? Probably a sandwich," Demetri snorted from the front seat.

"Oh, Demetri, you're too funny!" Shane mocked, unbuckling his seatbelt and sticking his head towards Demetri in the driver's seat. Though it wasn't safe at all, I bit my tongue. I would not be the wet party blanket.

"Guess what I'm getting?" he sang, fluttering his eyelashes.

"I don't care," Demetri snapped, clearly bored.

"Five. Five. Five dollar foot loooong!" Shane sang, motioning with his hands. "What about you, Olive?"

"Olive?" I asked, scratching my nose and looking out the window absentmindedly.

"Yeah. I think it suits you. It's better then 'Bob' anyway," Shane shrugged, returning to his seat next to mine.

"It doesn't make any sense," I mumbled.

"Whatever, Olive. I like it," he huffed. I saw Demetri crack a small smile in the rearview mirror.

"I love Subway!" Shane screeched. I picked at my nails to avoid answering him. Shane was fun, but he was such a strong personality I felt meek trying to respond. It was like a mouse versus a lion.

"Olive!" Shane sang, "What are you going to get at Subway?"

"I actually packed my lunch," I shrugged.

"What the hell, Olive!" Shane cried dramatically, slapping his forehead.

"What?"

"Why didn't you tell us you packed your lunch?"

"I could take a guess why," Demetri snorted. Was his guess that I didn't want to eat alone at lunch again? Huh, funny. That was my guess too.

"I, uh, forgot, I guess," I mumbled. Demetri laughed slightly and Shane shot him a glare.

"I'm sure," Demetri drawled. I twiddled my thumbs and looked out the window awkwardly.

"Sure what?" Shane asked, sticking his head towards the front seat. Demetri pulled up to the Subway parking lot and put the car in park.

"Don't worry about it," Demetri said, unbuckling his seatbelt, opening the car door, and slamming it behind him. Shane followed in suit and began hassling Demetri while I struggled with my seatbelt. I tugged at my seatbelt harshly, but it refused to budge. My car door swung open and Demetri ripped the seatbelt off me casually, all the while scolding Shane about how dumb he was.

"You can be such an ass sometimes," Shane moaned, slouching to the entrance of Subway. I shifted through my backpack, grabbed my sack lunch, closed the car door, and hurried after the two boys. They were both in line by the time I had caught up with them.

"I'm just saying, dude, that's all," Demetri shrugged, pointing to the vegetables he wanted on his sandwich.

"I'm not getting you," Shane said, crossing his arms. "Oh, um everything on my sandwich, please," he reminded the bored looking Subway worker.

"Seriously, dude, it's not a big deal," Demetri enforced, handing some cash over to the Subway worker.

"But it is!" Shane whined childishly. I waited in line with them rolling up the top of my lunch bag and then unrolling it, making the crumpled paper feel fabric soft. Shane and Demetri continued to squabble, even after we had settled down at a table and began eating. I ate my PB&J sandwich quietly, listening to their pathetic quarrel.

"You're being immature, Shane."

"I'm being immature? Dude, have you looked in the mirror lately?"

"I have. And unfortunately I don't have one of those hip, modern mirrors that tells me if I'm mature or not. My darn mirror only shows me what I look like."

"Oh, you are so funny!"

"It's a gift."

"Damn it, Demetri! Stop acting so damn cool! Say something stupid!"

"Something stupid."

"Gah! You're- you're… you're less cool than an ice cube!"

"Dude, no. That doesn't make sense. Don't be an idiot."

"I'm not an idiot!"

"Alright, fine. You're not an idiot."

"I'm not!"

"Okay, sure."

"Seriously, I'm not!"

It was remarkable how easy it was for Demetri to get under Shane's skin. He wasn't even really involved in the argument, he was barely paying attention, but he was still able to retort so easily. It’s not like what he was saying was extra creative or anything. I suppose it was his cool monotonous tone that irritated Shane. I know that's what irritated me. It was irksome how it was so easy for him to respond so quickly and so smoothly without so much as a thought. What made it worse was how he showed no sign of emotion, he didn't care. No hint of smugness, no tinge of self-satisfaction. Just boredom.

"I swear to Zeus, Demetri, I will kick you in the face!"

"Pfft. You're not that flexible," Demetri snorted. Shane glared and crossed his arms moodily, leaning back in his chair to sulk. I felt bad for Shane, I really did. In a lot of ways Demetri was like my sister, Mae Beth. They were both quick-witted, silently arrogant, bored with the people around them, and rarely riled up.

Shane moodily bit into his sandwich and Demetri rolled his eyes. I offered a weak smile to Shane and a petty glare to Demetri.

I was irritated. I felt bad for Shane. Demetri should at least try to, oh, I don't know! Act stupid or something! I clenched my fist and spat out the first thing that came to mind at Demetri.

Have you ever said something so cruel, so quick-witted, so harsh, that even the boldest of people recoil slightly? Something that stained your lips on the way out of your mouth? Something that your brain repeatedly kicked itself over?

Me neither. But I tried.

"You're being a poop-head." I stated seriously, setting down my PB&J and looking Demetri square in the eyes. I wanted throw myself off a cliff. A poop-head? Was I six?

Demetri looked at me slightly surprised, whether it was because I called him a "poop-head" or because I actually said something was beyond me. Though I knew what I said was stupid (and apparently Shane did too, because he snorted into his sandwich and inhaled a piece of lettuce), I refused to awkwardly break eye contact, like I so wanted to. Even if my insult couldn't be taken seriously, I figure my "I mean business, bitch" look could.

Demetri blinked slowly before the corners of his mouth turned upwards slightly into what could be called a smile.

"Bold words for someone with out the car keys," Demetri chuckled holding up the car keys and jingling them slightly. I cowered back slightly. I couldn't miss class! I couldn't ditch! He wouldn't, would he?

Shane glanced between Demetri and I, before setting down his sandwich, cracking his knuckles, and grabbing the keys Demetri was dangling tauntingly, and shouting victoriously, "WE HAVE KEYS NOW, BITCH!"

Shane grabbed my hand and raced out of Subway, dragging me behind him. He pushed me in the front seat and hopped in the driver's seat, before peeling out of the parking lot, Demetri behind us yelling profanities the whole way.

"Shit, shit, shit," I muttered, holding tightly onto my seatbelt. Shane laughed manically, swerving through cars dangerously.

"Shit. Shit, go back, Shane! Please! This isn't legal! You just stole a car! I'm with you! I just stole a car! I'm an accomplice! Oh my god, I AM AN ACCOMPLICE! Please, just go back!"

I was pushing myself as far as possible into seat, shrinking away and praying to every god I have ever heard of to get me out of this mess. My eyes were squeezed shut while my hands were nervously wringing my seatbelt, and my nails dug into my palms.

I was going to go to jail! I was going to miss class! I was going to be arrested while missing class! Dear Lord, what if my lesson was how to make a shank and escape? Then what?! What would my Oma say?!

Shane just laughed and I cracked an eye open, he was in a turn lane and abiding the traffic laws perfectly. I opened my other eye and glanced at Shane nervously.

"Relax, Olive," Shane laughed, pulling a u-turn when he had enough space. "I was just fooling around. No worries. This is like the fourth time this week I‘ve done this."

“Seriously?”

“Yeah, Demetri acts like a dick and I steal his car. That’s how we handle things.”

I blinked and realized that I had been so scared that I was actually crying.

"Ohmigod, you butt-face," I breathed, letting go of the seatbelt and trying to relax. What kind of friends had I made? Was this normal? He pulled into the parking lot of Subway where Demetri was sitting on the curb, apparently waiting for us. When he saw we had arrived he walked towards us at a leisurely pace.

"Get out. I'm driving," he commanded, opening the door and pulling Shane out of the driver's seat. Shane laughed as he tripped out of the car, his foot getting caught in the seatbelt.

"Oh man! That is so classic! Your face was so-- oh, god, you should have seen it!" he laughed.

"It wasn't that funny, man. That's like the fourth time you've done that to me. It gets old," Demetri growled, buckling his seatbelt as I shakily unbuckled mine and got out of the car.

"It was funny!" Shane persisted, "Don't you think, Olive?"

I must have looked like hell. I was shaky and pale. In all honesty I was too much of a friggin' pansy to have to worry about going to jail or, God forbid, skipping class.

"Oh, Olive! We were just kidding around!" Shane panicked, apparently worried that I was going to burst into tears like I was some sort of fragile, little lamb. Which I probably would have, had I not already accidentally shed the tears I had. I am a loser. I am a loser. I am a loser.

"Oh, yeah! I'm fine! I know it was a joke! I'm startled, that's all! But I'm definitely fine, yeah, definitely. Just a little shaky!" I squeaked, holding up my hand to prove that I was "just a little shaky."

I got into the backseat and Shane followed, peering at me skeptically. Demetri pulled the car out of the parking lot and glanced at me in the rearview mirror, frowning slightly.

"No seriously! I'm fine! I was just being a pansy! That's all! I was surprised! That's all! That's all! Seriously!" I babbled awkwardly, trying to convince them and myself that I didn't just nearly wet myself. I wasn’t scared anymore, just embarrassed. I had vastly overreacted.

"You alright there, Bobbie?" Demetri asked, taking a turn. No, I'm not alright, you arrogant ass face. My stomach just fell out my ass. I haven't been that scared since the fire alarm was pulled at Chuck'e'Cheese's when I was six.

"What? No! I mean yeah! I'm seriously fine! Seriously!" I smiled. It's not like I was still scared shitless, I was just… slow at recovering, I guess. It still felt like I had a pile of rocks in my stomach, and I was still jumpy and shaky.

I felt so… so stupid! Would there ever be a moment where I didn't make an ass out of myself? I mean, ever?

"Bobbie," Demetri sighed from the front seat, "You know, the first time Shane did this to me I called the cops. It was awkward, because a couple minutes later they showed up and Shane had already returned my car," Demetri smiled, "I had to lie and tell them I hallucinated because of lack of water and too much heat. Fucking embarrassing as shit.”

I laughed awkwardly, partly because I thought it was funny, partly because I was happy that Demetri wasn't being an ass face, and partly because I didn't want to look like an emotional pansy.